What Do to When Kids Come Home from Dad's

I experience the same things with my boys when they come home from their dads. They are clingy and dont listen at all. They fight with one another and everything. If they dont see their dad for a while they never argue and always listen. I also wonder what do to on these nights but I just try to keep a positive attitude and hope that one day it will all change.

Stick to your rules at home. It's a good learning experience for them when they move up to school and other social functions.

Your ex is going to be more inclined to baby them to make up for his lack of everyday parenting. It's not nice of him to do that but it's easier for him to deal with the kids this way. You're going to have to just adapt to the fact that they will need a day to get back into the swing of things.

We've been "sharing" a child for 8 years now, and have seen it on both ends. First, she lived with her mom (no structure) and was always misbehaving, but was almost an angel when she'd visit us. Negative attention was the only attention she would get there. Now she lives with us and is doted upon during visits ('don't know what ya got 'til it's gone' I guess), gets to sleep late, stay up late, and is encouraged toward dark teenage angst, and then we have to spend a good 2 days drawing her back out into reality. We've talked with counselors and they all say it's normal. If the acting out escalates, then it's something to be concerned about. Different environments, different rules. They didn't ask for the situation but they have to deal with it, whether they realize it or not this is their way to react to the confusion. I've found patience and positive reminders of the rules (and consequences) work better in the long run than nagging, especially those first couple of days back home. I know how frustrating it is, but when they get old enough, they WILL realize your positive influence in guiding their growth into responsible people. Hang in there.

I just want to say I know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I have his 3 year old daughter. When she returns from her mothers she acts the same way with no manners or anything.

The best thing I have learned is to do your very best to get them back into thier set schedule and patterns as soon as possible when they return. If this means a little tough love to get them to mind that first day back then so be it, but in the long run it will be easier and better on them during transitions back and forth. After a few tries and go arounds they will quickly pick up on how things are expected to be at each location and what they need to do.

Then you will see, as we do with our daughter, that more of your influences will rub off at thier fathers house than visa versa. They will begin to behave and follow the more structured household rules than the wild ones and these will become second nature.

Until then all I can suggest is stick to loving them and stick to your rules. These trasitions do take a little time to get used to by everyone especially the children.

Hi J.,
My name is W.. I was a single Mom of three little boy's 15 monts, 5, and 10 for about 3 years back from 96-99. They are now 18, 16, and almost 12. So I am completely aware of what you are going through. My boy's would act the same way when they came home from their Dad's. At the time I was still going through post-divorce counseling. My counselor suggested that when the boy's got home to let them get settled in, have some snuggle time with them, play a game with them, bathe them, you know just good ole quality time. Then before they go to bed for the night maybe during your night time routine explain to them at their level that the rules in your house are different from the rules at Daddy's house. Explain to them that when they are at home with you, that they will need to follow your rules and do the things you have taught them to do. If they don't do the things you have asked them to do then they receive a consequence. Set them on a naught spot for a time in the amount of their age. When the timer goes off explain to them why they were on the naughty spot and make them apologize for not listening, or picking up their clothes toy's etc... Be sure to follow up with a BIG hug and I love you's. This seemed to work for me. I also found a time where I could sit and have a coke with my ex in a public place and go over some of the things you expect for him to abide by while the kids are in his care. Come to an agreement that you both can follow. This sure did help cut down on the tit for tat between my ex and I.

Take care,
W.

Hi J. ~ I too have dealt with this. My son goes to his dad's but dad still lives with his parents! SO I had a Nana that would coem from another room of the house to the livign room to give my son a drink that was sitting right next to him! My son says jump she says how high! I told my son finally that he might be able to get his way at Nanas but that is not the rules here and you know the rules. Your boy is a little young to be doing that. But I did give him down time once we got home to let him getr back into the routine at our house.Best of luck! S.

In my opinion it really does not matter what goes on at Dad's house so long as the children are well care for. If you could not get your ex to do what you wanted while you were together, why waste your time dealing with him now? Most men, especially part-time Disney Dads, have no concept of how to really parent. Of course he is not going to spend his two days out of fourteen making the children pick up their clothes.

If the children have true consequences for their behavior rather than threats and lectures, then they will behave as is demanded of them. The children are old enough to face time outs, early to bed, loss of priviledges, toys, TV time, etc. They fully understand that it is two different houses and two different rules; they are just testing you, and aparently you failed. Send them directly to bed next time they won't pick up their clothes. Nip it in the bud right when they get home. After the hugs and kisses, of course.

This is a battle at my house as well. I jsut sat my kids down and told them "Hey I don't know what happens over there, but here you know the rules and they are not going to change." Tell them that there are consequesnces if they do not do what they are supposed to at home. Whether it be getting some toys taken away, time out or early bedtime no tv or whatever make it something that will matter to them. That is what I do.

Contact me if you want to talk more as I feel we will have the same issues about dad's.

S.

I'm with Brandye. You just have to be firm about the rules in your household. I do think there's an aspect of moving back and forth that lets kids feel they can just walk out and leave their chores behind them - get away with it because when it's time to go, it's time to go - and then they just sort of get that new mindset that they don't have to do stuff. I think it's a huge problem when you're talking consistency, which is the stuff of good structure and parenting.

The other problem may just be transition stress. If we had to move back and forth as often as our kids do, it would be stressful. I never knew exactly how stressful until I started living back and forth between D and my home, before we finally made it permanent. My younger daughter always had a harder time of it than her older sister - just personal differences - and it was hell for a day every time she came home.

Some of the things that worked at my house:

Gave my daughter some "down time" when she got home - quiet play and nothing at all that would up the anxiety or the wildness quotient.

Talk about the transition issues BEFORE they leave. Acknowledge that it is hard, and that everyone will be happy if we try to get back to normal faster. Discuss ways of getting there - ask for their input. Making it their problem too helped a lot in my household.

Remind them on the phone, before they come home, that everyone is going to be working as a team to have a nice "reunion." Maybe create a ritual together (some fun thing) that you all love that you can do on transition days to ease the transition. In our house, it was often an art project - good occupational therapy anyway. Maybe in your house it will be tkaing a walk, having ice cream, whatever. Something to make coming home seem like a good thing.

Anyway, good luck. This is a toughy.

Down Time!
I cannot stress this enough to all parents going through this. We went throught the same thing with my son for many years. He will turn 19 in less than a month.
These kids have to "switch gears" from one home to another. Most of them know the Rules from one to the other also. It is the transitional time that they have to have. Think about it, we all have moments that we need some down time, our children are the same way!

We encountered this when our oldest (7 at the time, nearly 11 now) went to visit her grandmother's house during the summer. She would be well-behaved before the visit but then after the visit, she would be very sassy, irritable, messy. It's like she forgot all manners and rules in the time she was gone. We know it is not from lax rules at grandma's because she is a neat freak and does not tolerate children being out of line. Still, our daughter would act as though she forgot all rules when she got back.
We ended up sitting her down and discussing how, no matter what happens at someone else's house or what their rules are, she needs to follow OUR rules when she is here. This helped a lot. We had to calmly remind her of several of the rules on occasion but she started getting much better after that talk.

my step son is older, so it is a bit different, but we have always had to super stict when he gets home from a visit with his mom so he knows that we are going to keep the rules. Be consistent with them so that as they get older they will learn what is appropriate at mom's house vs what is appropriate at dad's house (you can't change dad)