Packing a Bag for "Ex" When He Has the Kids

My stepsons have always stayed with us from Friday to Sunday and in the beginning the mom packed the bag...eventually we just told her it wasn't necessary because we have things for them here, we would just wash the clothes they came over in and they would put them back on on Sunday.

Much easier for everyone! Especially the kids...I think they like it they have their own things at both houses.

~My hubby had to have a conversation with the EX about how she packed the bags...because she would just throw in a pile of dirty clothes, literally a PILE with no rhyme or reason...not even full sets of clothes and a couple of times there were even some of her dirty clothes in there. Gross!

Why do you need to respond to his comment? If you choose to pack the bag, next time, pack the bag according to the weather and ignore him. With all hopes, eventually he will find someone else and move on.

If it were me, I would not pack a bag. He is absolutely responsible for providing everything they need while they are with him.

But don't take it too far...I'll give you a quick example. My husbands daughter comes to stay on weekends and her mother sends literally the BARE MINIMUM, and by that I mean she doesn't even dress the child properly to begin with. She doesn't bring anything, which is TOTALLY fine and in fact I have requested she NOT bring anything with because we have stuff for her here...but to show up in the rattiest clothes her mother can find, socks with holes, or flip flops in the middle of winter? To me, that's the opposite of sending her with something and it irks me.

So, send him with the clothes on his back, and his father can provide a change of clothes for whatever day he is there and send him back in the clothes he wore. That's what I do...wash the outfit she comes in and send her back in it.

You are in the right, but I just wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

Ugh.. I was a child of divorce, but I was older so I packed my own bags. It still was such a nightmare, I still have bad dreams.

My sister and her husband went through this when they first divorced because the kids were young.
My sister would pack up the bags and all of these different clothing came back to her.. It lead to lots of screaming and upset the kids so much, the kids told the counselor they hated having to come and go from each house, because they knew their parents were going to be mad at each other.

The Counselor told My sister and her ex, to "suck it up" and "Grow up".
To each purchase clothing for each home and not to get mad when the clothing gets left or taken to the wrong house. She also told them to take care of clothing issues, by packing up the bag as best as they can and dealing with issues as grown ups, not being upset in front of the kids and to not call the other parent unless there was an emergency.

As the kids have gotten older, they have their own rooms with closets and dressers and they are able to decide what to leave and what to take to each home.

I know he gets on your last nerve. Just breath and be thankful at least you are not married to him, but he will always be your child's father and you will always be your child's mother and your child will love both of you equally. It hurts your childs feeling to hear either one of you speaking poorly about the other parent.

My landlord has his kids on the weekend. I know that the clothes he buys for them stays at his house and he launders them during the week when they're back with mom.

Maybe you could label 4 shirts and 2 pants/shorts and tell your son and ex that those clothes can stay at dad's house. Tell your ex that he needs to buy clothes for the kids to keep there. Plain and simple. They don't need to feel like they are 'spending a weekend away' with an overnight bag every weekend. They need to feel like they have a home at mom's and a home at dad's. How can you feel like you're at home if you don't even have a toothbrush or a dresser or some underwear or games or toys at your 'second home.'? They need all the love they can get right now. Dad needs to show them that and give them something that is theirs when they're at his house.

When my stepsons were going back and forth between their dad's house and mom's house. she always had a bag packed for them with a clean change of clothes and some extra underwear but we also made sure we had back-ups at our house too. That meant underwear, PJs, swim trunks, hats, gloves, boots, snowpants. They had their own toothbrushes at our house too, as well as clothes for church (because I took them and she didn't, so that stuff stayed at our house). Because we didn't expect her to always know what our plans might be for the weekends, but also, she was not great about checking to see what the weather might be like (not saying that you weren't either, but she NEVER seemed to be bothered to check a weather report!).

I realize that your ex acted like a complete jackass and you are understandably very angry about it, but I would seriously just blow it off. He is your ex - you need to get along with him for the sake of your kids and be civil, but I wouldn't get bent out of shape trying to "please" him. If he gets pissy about something, ignore it. There's no reason why he can't have some basic back-up items at his place anyway.

This is a case of "you need to love your child more than you dislike your ex"...the two of you need to somehow learn to be civil with each other...it sounds like you are at least trying to get along...now HE needs to grow up!! That being said...you can't control what he says or does...so don't wear yourself out trying to. If you are still waiting for the divorce to be final...this might be something for the attorneys to get their heads together on...it would make sense to me for your child to have things at BOTH houses so no matter what the weather, no matter what he decides to do with your child when he has him with him...that he is prepared.
The two of you are going to need to deal with each other for a long time...until your youngest child is of age...and it may not even stop then!!
It sounds to me like you are getting tired of "taking the high road"...just keep telling yourself that you are setting a great example for your children...they don't need to see their Mamma and Daddy arguing and bickering with each other. Congratulations and keep loving your children more than you hate your ex!!!

I recently went through this with my ex. i live in nj, where the weather can change drastically from day to day with the change of seasons. it got to the point where i was packing bathing suits, shorts, pants, short sleeves, long sleeves, sweat shirts, jackets, flip flops, sneakers, etc..on top of sippy cups, medicine, tooth brushes, diapers, toys, strollers, and even car seats for 2 kids. i was going out of my mind!!! the worst part was i wouldn't get back the stuff i needed for them, and he was not willing to go out of his way to return the stuff. it was FRUSTRATING and we were constantly at each others throats!

I kept asking him to get stuff for them for his house, but he wouldn't. i didn't want my kids to suffer by not sending what they needed, so i felt trapped to keep sending it. eventually i sent him an e-mail telling him i no longer wanted to keep fighting with him over stupid stuff. I made a list of things i would not be sending anymore, and it was up to him to get it. I started simple: sippy cups, diapers, wipes, toothbrushes...and gave him two weeks to stock up. the next month was strollers, etc. eventually clothes, and finally toys.

a year later i am only packing a set of clothes for them to come home in and their blanky's. i am less stressed, and we don't argue!

my advice: keep it civil, but be stern. figure out what he needs to get for your son, give him fare warning you will no longer be providing it. then give him time to get it. end of story.

If the kids are going to be regularly spending time at his house, he should have the necessaties on hand to accomodate them. They will still need to bring a bag with their "stuff" in it (toys, books, games and what not) but they should have some clothes, socks, underwear, extra pair of shoes, jacket, toothbrush, etc. at his house already. Just my opinion. I'm sorry you are going through this nasty divorce, but letting this comment bother you is probably giving him exactly what he wants. If you need to be the one who puts together the stuff the kids leave at his house, because he won't, then so be it. At least then you know that they will have what they need while staying at your ex's place, and he can't complain about not having what the child needs.

Your ex is responsible for your son's welfare when he is at his house... which includes proper clothing. I would only send him with the clothes on his back, and expect those same clothes returned to you when he comes home. maybe have one set of clothes to keep at his house, so that he always has one pair of 'your' clothes to wear home..

Honestly, though this feels like a power struggle between the two of you (and it probably is - lots of strong feelings going on), the core issue is your son and how he will experience this divorce. As a child of divorce, the more you guys can put your feelings on the back burner when it comes to the kids, the better off your child will be.

Does your son have his own bed or his own room? If yes, then Dad has the room to provide clothes for him - he's his D-A-D. Your son needs to feel at home there, even if he doesn't live there all the time. If Dad doesn't have the room for your son to have his own space, then you need to work TOGETHER to make sure your son is comfy and happy.

Whatever you can do to COOPERATE on this, please do. I know it's hard, but your son will appreciate it and learn from it, especially as he gets older.

Best of luck!

Omg this post spoke to me because i have been packing my two youngest girls bags when they go to their dad's (oldest is 13 and she does her own bag) for the past year. I haven't gotten too much negative feedback directly from ex but I haev gotten you forgot socks or pj's and daddy would get me any. Now my kids go to their dad's from friday night to sunday every other weekend and have their own rooms at his house. I think it would be easier for him to at least have back up clothes for the girls there.. Also my girls have brought toys (expensive ones like ipod) to dad's house and they are "lost" . I do not contact dad to fuss I feel like that was the child responsibilty they chose to bring the item it was lost therefore 1. you don't bring things like that to dad's anymore 2. item will not be replaced.

When I was younger I spent weekends with my dad and I don't know if my mom packed my bag or not..I ahev to assume she did when I was 6 and somehow transfered the job to me at some point... I can't remember, I do know I didn't have clothes that stayed at my dads.

My fiance has a daughter in another state, but when he had weekend visits with her (b4 he moved for work) he told me she came in a set of clothes, she had dad's house clothes and she went home in the same clothes she came in.. so nothing was lost or mixed up.. She was young though under 6..

My kids 7 & 10 aren't quite responsible enough to pack their own bags alone, but are old enough not to want to have clothes at their dad's that they can only wear 2 times a month..

Anyway, to answer your post, I would tell him ( your ex) that you and your son will pack the bag together and if he ever finds something missing or the weather changes (because it Will happen) then to suck it up and do what is right for child and to let it go.. If he is going to be a jerk then you can just throw it right back at him, inventory your son's bag of clothes and if he comes home minus a sock or a pair of underwear let you ex know he needs to replace that item...

here's the thing with me and my ex- I prefer not to talk to him on the phone- he aggravates me, and he doesn't listen and I can tell him something regarding kids and he will say he didn't know... So now we do most of our communicating via email. that way its less personal, and i have a record of what I said and what he said...and we can keep it business like, non personal. i think you may want to consider starting to set boundries like this for yourself. Start thinking about the communications with your ex as business communications and start de-personalizing them. does that make sense? i know its hard... I hope this was helpful... Sorry for the rambling on..

I can honestly learned my lesson. I put the kids in clothes that if I never see again it would not hurt my feelings. I never packed a bag. He is responsible for buying his own supplies for the kiddos.

I don't know how old the kids are but if they want to take something with them that is a favorite toy or snuggly then dad needs to eventually buy one for them. But I would let them take it with the understanding if they forget it it's gone until they go again.

Your children should have their own things at each house so that they don't have to pack a bag (except for a binkie, blankie, etc) when they go to each parents house. He is responsible at his house, you at yours. The transition should be as smooth as possible.

Plenty of my friends have divorced. Each parent supplied clothing, toiletries, toys, etc, at their own homes. No bags needed to be exchanged. One of my friends had started out packing a bag but then noticed all the good expensive clothes she sent her boys in did NOT come back. They were returned to her with old worn out clothing. So she went so far as to establish a "hand off" set of clothing that each of the boys were to be send in and one to be returned in. Sadly people can get really nasty during divorces and usually forget about the little ones. I would simply tell your ex that it would be best if he provided for his child's needs at his home and you will do the same at yours, no bag should be necessary.

I think that you need to decide if you're going to keep packing a bag or if you can work out something else like what your child goes in he returns in and you don't send any other clothing. My stepkids generally had clothes at both homes, but we got most of the school appropriate attire because they needed it here. Some families have to be duplicative and label everything. At minimum, I think the kids should have a spare pair of shoes, a couple of outfits (including pjs), a jacket and basic toiletries at both homes. They really need little for a weekend.

What a jerk. My friend went to a ugly divorce leaving a 3 year old girl stuck in the middle. The dad gets her every other weekend. My friend was sick and tired of sending nice and new clothes for her to wear at his house because when she came home after the weekend she would be wearing old used clothes that barely fit. And the clothes that she did send never came back. So now when the daughter goes to see her dad she only takes the clothes shes wearing, which are the ones she came home in the weekend before. So I guess if I were you I would definitely tell your ex to start a wardrobe for the kids at his house. Let him worry about it.

Hey -
I read everyone's answers because I was curious about what other people would say. I agree that you need to provide and think of your child first and foremost - which may mean that you have to pack a bag full of stuff because your husband can't or won't provide anything at his house. BUT, you also mention that the decree is not finalized. In my opinion, you need to talk to your lawyer about what types of things can go into the decree. Maybe you can express your desire to not send a bag at all. OR, you can state that the clothes he wears should be washed before they are returned.

Good luck!
L.

It's his responsibility to have clothes for all weather, shoes for all occasions, swim suits, snow gear (probably not needed in TX), pajamas, tooth brushes, sunscreen, soap, shampoo, etc. at his house. My step-daughter used to some over with her own clothes for the weekend because that's what she preferred to do but we always, always have had back up items and seasonal gear here. Give your ex a list of what he needs to have and let him know that you will not be packing anything extra as of the end of this month. Your son may certainly bring his own favorites if he wants to, but the responsibility for making sure your child is appropriately dressed falls on which ever parent has him at the time.

How about a bag of clothes that don't leave that bag? Honestly that is what I do for my babies for just normal life. It is so much easier to just have clothes in a bag in the car, just in case. So maybe a bag with a few pairs of underwear, a couple pairs of socks, shorts, jeans, long sleeve shirt, short sleeve shirt. I mean you can always add stuff if your lil man has a certain request of something he wants to take to wear at Dad's house. But at any time you can grab the bag, no thinking required and send him off. Being in Texas you can leave a light weight jacket in there until like May! Of course in the summer you can update the bag to a couple pairs of shorts, a couple shirts, swim trunks etc. I think anytime my child wasn't with me I would do better if I knew for sure he had what he needed. I mean I send his dad off with a packed up diaper bag etc, if I am going to be off doing my own thing for any reason. It's just a mommy to want to nurture and make sure the babies have what they need. If you can let his comment go, it would be good. I mean he might have said it to make a dig, maybe it was just a man being direct and dry, maybe he just said the first thing in his head. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. But I think even though you guys are going through this hard thing, if you can try to communicate for your son's sake it would be good. If you want him to have clothes there for your son, talk about it. He might be willing to do that, but talk about it first, not because it is something unreasonable by you, but whenever the rules need to change communication is needed. I think this upset you so much bc of all the pain in the relationship. I would say right now just try and think of the most practical ways to get through this with minimal dealing with your ex and how to make this very easy on your children. Wish you the best.

He gets to choose how or if to comment. YOU get to choose how you will react. What's your choice?

Apply what I call "the 5 year rule": In 5 years, will his pissy comment matter? If yes, deal with it and respond. If not, blow it off.

Deep breath......

I would TRY to address it as being easier for both of you if there are clothes, toys, supplies at both houses. You don't have to pack, he doesn't have to stress about repacking and getting everything back to your house. Your child will just LOVE going to Daddy's to see all his special things, etc. If he won't be offended and therefore tougher on you, you could give him a list of current sizes. There are plenty of children's resale shops where another set of pants, shirts, underwear, jackets, toys, etc. can be purchased for bargain prices.

If all you are packing is the special blanket or teddy bear and any medicine, then it's less of a hassle for the child.

If your ex is the vindictive-nasty sort, then have your lawyer put it into the divorce agreement that each parent will maintain a household for the child - your ex doesn't expect you to pack a bed, a pillow, a cooler of food, and a booster seat, does he? That would not be reasonable. The divorce should say - particularly if there is shared custody - that each parent has a responsibility. Some exes get nasty about "I'm paying child support so you have to do all the work" and some are just clueless.

I agree that you cannot get all fired up about small stuff - the 5-year rule, for example. On the other hand, you don't want your child to think that going to Dad's is a huge production that requires 3 days of preparation and 2 days or recovery because something got left behind. If your child comes home wearing something that Dad purchased (and he left behind something nicer that you purchased), don't say anything - just send your child back to Dad at the next visit wearing what he came home in. It will all even out. And don't send him to Dad's in anything super nice that you absolutely need back.

The discussion has to be about what's best for the child - not about the ex telling you how to be a better mom and not about you telling your ex how he's not doing enough. All the old wounds get re-opened, and the reasons for the divorce work their way into these arguments about kids. I absolutely understand where you are coming from and I've also been on the "other side" -- my stepkids always came with zero that they needed. We just sucked it up and bought some stuff that stayed with us. They had a home in both places. In the long run, taking the high road helped and the kids weren't burdened by petty things. Maybe your ex will join you in this. But talk to your lawyer, and get the 2 lawyers to agree that the point is for the kids to have a HOME with both parents.

K.,

Make a check list of what your children would need if they were going to camp or a visit to the grandparents house. (i.e. tooth brush, hair brush, PJ's, robe, slippers, jacket, warm cloths, summer cloths, etc.) Ask your children's father to make a list of what he has for the children at his home and what he needs. Granted, he should what the kids need while they visit and there should be no need for him to send home dirty cloths for you to deal with. So if you supply what isn't on his list, for him to keep and take care of that should end this particular question.

Waiting for him to "finish the decree" has nothing to do with what your children will wear or not wear when visiting their father. If you want to speed it up and have the $$ to get your attorney to look into the matter and asked for another court date, that might be a solution. If your husband is just lagging, he may well have to pay your attorney fees.

Just document everything that you do and try to be the one that takes the "high road". Trust me I know that's really hard sometime.

Blessings......

I have perm. custody of my nephew and niece, and recently we started to allow unsupervised overnight visits with the bio Dad. They are not very often, nad he lives about 2 hrs. away. It is more for us as a break than for the kids, although they do like to visit with him too. (he was coming to our house for a night or 2 to visit with them before this) At first I was packing a backpack with clothes, toys, and meds. for the kids and hoping that everything would make it's way back the next day. Now I no longer do this. I ended up going through the kids toys and telling him that he could take the "overflow" toys to his apartment to keep there so they didn't have to pack them anymore. I did this with clothes as well. It is so much easier. I do have to pack their meds still, because both kids take medications everyday, but I only give them enough for the amount of time they will be gone in case he forgets to bring it back. (they can't go without it) My doing allof this has seemed to inspire him to do some shopping for them too. He has since purchased a few beach toys, some small outside toys, and even bathing suits to keep at his house. They have sleeping bags that stay there too. It makes the whole thing MUCH easier, and my kids really only go there overnight maybe 4 times a year. (I wish it were more!) He still comes here for most of his visits. I think it's because it's easier and then all he is doing is playing and we are parenting. Oh well, whatever. I know that they are happy and safe. I will just keep looking forward to the few nights that we do get. LOL! Good luck!

I am on the other side of this issue as the step mother. This would probably be the time to address that your child needs some clothing there of his/her own and you will only be providing a change of clothing (and/or a few other items for the child). The rest of the clothing should be provided by him. Coming from the other side, I don't understand why it's so difficult for mothers to pack a change of clothing for the kids to return home in as well as basic items (e.g. a jacket, pair of pants, long sleeve shirt, etc. when it's cold). It's as though the mothers try to get back at the ex's when all you're doing is hurting the kids. The mother I'm dealing with has no common sense and unless we go out of our way to ask, the children will come here in rags and flip flops. Even when asked to provide a pair of pants/ jacket - they came with items that didn't fit or that don't match and are crazy colors (e.g. neon orange, pink, green). Ugh! We have items for the kids here but they also like to wear a few items from their main house while they are here. Even when looking through pictures, the youngest always points to her clothing she recognizes from her main house. Also, we only see the kids once a month - so they grow and we don't want to waste visitation shopping. Then, we buy items and they have out grown them by the next visit. Just a waste of money and time that could be used on the kids for going to a museum or the zoo. All because of a bitter mother. I always wash the clothes and send them home with maybe one outfit that needs laundering. Yet, the mother still sends them with the clothes on their back and we have to send the kids back that way - it's like they are a doll or something. In my experience, when a mother sends NOTHING or all mis matched / rags for clothing - it hurts the child's self esteem. If it were my child or the child were to live with us - I would provide at least a change or two of clothing that covers the bases (e.g. a pair of jeans and shorts, tee shirt and long sleeve t-shirt, and a light jacket each visit).