Divorced and Shared Custody of CLOTHES, SHOES, and TOYS

Do you pick her up from school or does she take the bus? If you pick her up, I would talk to her teacher about her having an extra bag with her on switch off days that she can leave somewhere in the classroom that's out of the way. We always had kids who would have to bring in large items (musical instruments or hockey bags for example) and there was always space to stash the items somewhere in the coat room area. Then anything extra (sneakers, dress boots, toys) that should get passed back and forth between the houses can go in that bag.

Or you can make it a rule that on days where she starts the day in one house and ends it in another, she can wear only sneakers to school. I know that girls love their shoes, but there's no reason a kid can't wear sneakers to school 2-3 days a week.

Keep your stuff at home. She has one or two sets of cheap clothes that she wears on the days she goes to his house. Then she puts it on to wear home.

All other items stay at her home, period. Otherwise you will never see it again.

Welcome to my hell. :p

I have finally got them to the point where they consider the big picture with shoes. Okay so you want to wear this today but you are going to dads....

It works a little better except the asshat loses stuff and if he can't find the shoes at the last minute he has been known to send Genna to school in flip flops in the dead of winter then not answer his phone so the school calls M. to run shoes up to her. :(

She, you, he, may all need to learn to use an overnight bag for the things that she needs, wants, uses on a more than occasional basis.

When my son would go to his Dad's I J. packed him a bag - anything on his body, or in the bag, needed to go back to the house it came from. He had things that he left at his Dad's house, but some things J. need to travel back and forth with the kids.

It is a pain, but may prevent the shoe dilemma.

I have this same problem when my GD stays at her mother's house. The school uniforms get left and within a short time period, I have no uniforms at my house for her to wear to school. Same with shoes - J. like you said. If she wears her sneakers over there and then comes home in sandals, she doesn't have any sneakers to wear to school the next day.

My solution has been to give her an empty bag and have her put everything that needs to come home in the bag WHEN SHE TAKES IT OFF. Then put the bag in her backpack when she goes to school.

So, give Emmy an empty bag and tell her that whatever belongs at your house she should put in that bag and then put the bag in her backpack. This won't work if it's a lot of stuff like toys, etc., but it will work for the shoes. As for the toys, it looks like you'll have to make a trip to dad's house in the evening to pick it up. If that's not possible, perhaps he can bring it to your house after dropping Emmy at school.

This is a tough one.

My sks are grown now. While their mother bought most of their clothes we did have a few guidelines/rules.

1. Things that got left there didn't get fetched (at least a 2 hour trip) til the next visit. Same for the reverse. If they went to Mom's without a swimsuit, they had to make do. They saw her EOWE, holidays and summers. This was the biggest one and the one that IMO taught them to be responsible. Stinks to not have shoes to play in or a jacket you want to wear.

2. They kept some basics at both houses. A pair of shoes. Some jeans and shirts. Underwear. Even if they forgot to pack, they had something.

3. Some people do labels. Mabel's Labels has some great tags and you can put them in your stuff. You can also use different colors so the kid has the same name but knows that Mom's house is green and Dad's house is yellow. They last a LONG time. Teach her to bring back the green ones to your home.

4. When SD was little, she brought another backpack to before/after care. She was able to leave it with them or leave it in her classroom til aftercare. It wasn't always feasible so sometimes we had to leave a bag somewhere for her mom or her mom had to come by only when we were home til SD earned a house key. Talk to the teacher about being able to store a bag. Maybe the office would hold it? Have a travel bag so she has a place to put her shoes and headbands when she takes them off. You might also ask the teacher/school to reiterate what is appropriate to wear to school. SD's school sent us a note about clogs when they were popular. DD's school J. sent a notice about weather wear. You might simply quote the school handbook and say, "Ex, can you make sure Emmy has the right shoes for play? I know she loves her fancy shoes, but they're not allowed in gym class." Or "I had to talk to Emmy because the teacher said she can't wear open toed shoes at recess. Can you help reinforce that from your house?" In our case, the clogs had to become "sometimes shoes" because the school didn't like them. We hated them, too, but had allowed them because her mom got them and she loved them, but once the school said it, they were done.

5. If your ex is remotely reasonable, ask him to pack the shoes or headband or whatever so that some come back. I would not buy more. I would tell her she needs to bring them back or she doesn't get to wear them or sleep with that bear or whatever. Really young kids need help. It is in their best interest if we can all be adult about it and J. pack the stuff when the kid needs it.

My cousin's mom never allowed anything to go from house to house so she had all these pristine toys she never used at her mom's. While I get that it's hard when you paid for it, most of the time we let the kids take what they wanted. It was theirs. It was their responsibility J. the same as if they took it to school or to a friend's house. Some tough lessons were learned, but they made it through. Otherwise SD would have a Wii she barely used or SS wouldn't have his alarm clock over the summer because it was an iHome I bought.

Huge problem! How many days a week are you trading off? We switch kids on Wednesdays and then on the weekend. When they were younger, I would send them to school on Wednesday in the outfit they wore over from their mom's on Saturday. If they needed different shoes I would send the sneakers in their backpack. Then on Saturday we'd do a bag transfer of clothes and toys that belonged to the other house. Pain in the butt! But the kids' mom and dad have different styles and were particular about the clothes. Now all my stepkids are older (youngest is 10) and have minds of their own about fashion, so they manage their own clothes transitions fairly well. We do save old shoes J. in case there's a day where someone needs sneakers and they are at the wrong house. Might be a little tight but they work in a pinch!

Good luck!

If you are on ok terms with your ex, I would J. explain to him the situation J. as you have explained it here. Let him know to please send back the things that she came with. See how that goes first. Then if that doesnt work I would start labeling things, 'moms house'. You cannot be expected to buy so many copies of the same item or you would go broke in a hurry.

I would make arrangements to get her overnight bag to the other parent's residence. It is not the school's or your child's responsiblity to have to remember an overnight bag espcially at her age.

Can she bring a suitcase with her back and forth? There must be a place at school she could leave it, even at the office?

For the past 6mo kiddo has been schlepping his entire wardrobe back and forth...

I actually got it written in the decree that we're to
Maintain separate wardrobes for him at each house.

That's only a week old... So we'll see how Jerkface manages to twist that into something hard on our son, as well.

You have 2 choices. One- either talk to the school and find a place that she can keep a bag or small suitcase on wheels that can have all of her items she is bringing home or back and forth stored at th school until she goes home, and hopefully she is picked up so she won't have to lug it on a bus, or two- don't send the items back and forth. I know this is a crappy answer, because you want her to be able to love her toys EVERY day and wear her clothes and headbands EVERY day, but think clearly about this.... if she is forgetting them at his home, or not being able to bring them back to your home with her, is she really getting to love, play with or wear them EVERY day?? No. She is missing out on using these items or hugging and sleeping with that special stuffed animal when she is at YOUR home, all because it got left at Dad's house. NOT right. Especially when YOU bought it for her. I am dealing with this too, to a lesser degree since my kids see their bio Dad only on very few occasions, but I ahave limited clothes that I allow to go there, and I do not allow toys, hair items, or other things I purchase to go with them to his home. He fought M. on this at first, but then gave up because he knew he would not win. (the items would not come home, or would come home boken, and the kids only went there once every few months, so they would go without the item for a long time) My doing this actually forced him to have to go and but=y them some toys to have at his home. They aren't the best toys, and he didn't get too many, but he got some. He also bought some hairbands and hair ties for our daughter, as well as toothbrushes, hairbrushes, and their shampoo and soap. I refused to pack all of that stuff. Since they don't go often, I DO pack clothes and shoes, but they all HAVE to be returned, and I have certain ones that we use for Dad visits since he doesn't take very good care of the iems. I strongly suggest that if you can't work out something with the school to arrange for her to have a bag to bring her things back and forth, you suggest that he purchase a pair or boots and sneakers for her to keep at his home, and then make sure that whatever footware she has on when she goes to his house, she wears back to school when she leaves. That way you always have sneakers athome. Your only other option would be setting up a time to meet after she has been at his home to retrieve her things yourself, and I kind of doubt that you will want to do that. I really can't stand these custody situations like this. I am not a fan of the you have the chld for 4 days and I have them for 4 days for this reason specifically. I don't know what you situation is, but anything that requires the child change houses during the school week seems way too confusing to M.. What happened to the good old fashioned weekend visits and school vacations? If Dad wants to visit his child during the week, why can't he J. come and pick them up after school and take them out for dinner and bring them back for bedtime? J. my opinion. Sorry, but I really think it's all SO confusing to the kids. I know it is to M.!

My grandson's father always returns him wearing the same clothes and shoes he wore when he picked him up no matter how long he's had him.