My husband told her it was my fault she was not invited because when the mom asked me about slumber parties, I said I would pick her up at 9 or 10 and not let her stay all night. This is true.
I told her she was limited to the number of girls she could invite from school, scouts, basketball, church, and the neighborhood. I also told her that last time she went over with three other girls, they all locked in her in an empty bedroom and the mom never even knew. When I picked her up, she told me they just let her out.
My child is "too nice" and easy to pick on so I won't let her go back because the mom obviously doesn't supervise closely.
She doesn't even want to stay all night, but it does hurt to not be invited by someone she always invites to things.
Another mom asked her why my child wasn't invited and she said it was because I would not let her stay anyway. That mom said she can't understand how her friend could exclude my child who is so helpful, caring, and accepting of everyone.
I am forcing myself to be calm and not make things worse. I told my daughter we need to take the high road and if they start rubbing it in again that she was not invited, she needs to say "That's ok. I wouldn't have been able to come anyways."
Is there something else I should say?
I see nothing wrong with telling her we don't get invited to every party. That is what I tel my 5 year old.
I have a daughter in 3rd grade. By this age, they need to start learning how to deal with people by themselves. My daughter will ask me for advice sometimes about friends and classmates, and I am willing to give suggestions, but only after I ask how she would handle the situation, listen to her and guide her through solving the problem herself.
You could help your daughter develop some strategies for dealing with typical situations, and also help her to learn to "speak up". Kids that are "easy to pick on" will get picked on. My daughter has been in karate since she was five, which is a great way to teach confidence, self-awareness, and self-defense.
By keeping your daughter from opportunities to interact with others her age, she is not learning how to deal with people. If you have a problem with the level of supervision, that is something separate for you to talk with the parent(s) about.
I also believe in teaching honesty. If others ask why or point out that she wasn't invited, she could instead say "I don't know why I wasn't invited, I would have liked to come." I believe honest and straight-forward is the "high road".
Girls can be really mean at sleepovers and at parties. Sounds like your daughter was the one to be picked on (locked her in a room?? What kind of rude little beasts are they?) and obviously the mom didn't check on them or notice that she was missing. I don't blame you for not letting her stay the night.
Those girls aren't really her friends if they allowed that to happen. Some girls just like having someone to pick on.
I would tell your daughter that those girls didn't treat her very nice and that's why you would not allow her to go.
You should plan something fun for her that night. Then when her "friends" tease her or ask her why she wasn't invited she could say "I wouldn't have been able to go because I'm doing XYZ that night." Have another friend spend the night or do family movie night.
Not being invited is part of growing up, but she is young so it's nice if you can soften the blow. You're her mom, you can be there for her and she will learn to trust you for the tough years ahead!
Here is the thing about inviting and being invited. You simply don't get invited to every party. Period. It's ok! There is nothing wrong with that.
And there is also nothing wrong with not inviting everybody...Most people have neither the space nor the money to invite 25 kids to every birthday party - it's just not feasible.
In this case, you and/or your daughter were not comfortable with a sleepover - so you don't get invited. IT'S OK!
Nothing more to say.
Wow, if that group of girls has been so mean to your daughter as to lock her up in a room and exclude her, who needs them! You really are taking the high road by coaching your daughter to respond so kindly if she is teased. I would be tempted to have her say, "I would not have wanted to go the party anyway" At this point, I would say nothing else about the party. Ask your daughter if she would like to invite one friend (kind friend, and not one of the girls going to that party) over for a special sleepover that weekend if you think she would enjoy that.
My motto is, "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child." Teach her that she will not always be invited to every party and that's okay. Always remind her of what positive things she has in life. As she grows up then it will become automatic to concentrate on the positive things when annoying people do things.
If your daughter is easily picked on, then teach her how to respond to mean girls. E.g. If someone criticizes what she is wearing, teach her how to not give them power by cowering away or acting sad. Teach her to say something back that basically agrees with them but is funny. She could say, "Yeah, I know, I guess I will not win the "best dressed" award today" with a laugh and confidence. You will probably have to practice with her until she gets it right. The right comeback will throw them off and they will not know what to do. If they laugh at her it is a sure sign that she got them so confused they didn't know how else to respond.
My answer would be something similar to yours. But I would follow it up with concrete action:
Host a sleep-over of your own. Invite this girl as well as the other girls your daughter is friends with. And show 'em what a good time really is. Show them what a caring but sorta hands-off-I'm-cool-and-can give-you-space mother is like. That way, you can surreptitiously watch your daughter and see how she interacts. And you can provide a better example to the other girls about how a fun slumber party should work.
Why do you care if she's not invited if you and everyone else knows you won't let her stay the night?
I think you should tell your daughter the reason she wasn't invited is because you won't let her stay. If the fact of her not being invited or not being able to attend a slumber party hurts her feelings more than whatever the girls to do her, then maybe you should reconsider your position.
Sometimes it's not helpful to protect our kids TOO much.
Why are you not allowing you daughter to go to slumber parties all night? This is a rite of passage for little girls, and you need to have a really compelling reason to keep her from enjoying it. You don't want to be labeled "that mother" who is too protective and sets arbitrary rules. I know you want what is best for her, and at this age learning to deal with other kids on her own and participating in these normal activitites. Please think hard about this for the next time. Try not to be so hard on the mom who missed the locking in the room incident. There is a fine line between letting kids have fun and hovering.
Good luck, and I hope you and your daughter will get through this without too many hurt feelings.
As a "been there, done that", I would reconsider the not staying the night. YOu could contact the mom and tell her you have rethought the situation and will let her stay.
Then you teach your daughter how to react when the girls are mean to her. If she gets locked in the room, tell her to continue knocking on the wall/floor until she gets attention. If she does not go back, they will tease her for months!! Let her learn herself if she really thinks these girls are her friends or if she wants to hang around with someone like that.
It used to start in Jr. Hi but starting earlier so you might want to let her watch Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan (some rough language but no F words). Or get the book Queen Bees and Wanna Be's.
BTW, my opinion is that 3rd grade is too early for sleepovers anyway but you do need to let her do this.
If the mom doesn't reconsider and invite her, let her have her own sleepover in a month and you supervise and show her how they can have fun w/o being mean to each other. But believe me, I was the mom that stayed up, watched the movies with them and did not know until they left that they were "shutting" a certain girl out. When my daughter told me the next day, I had no idea!!
What is with this other mom? You don't not invite a child just because they can't stay all night, I don't understand what the issue is. Would it be possible for you to talk to the mom and ask if she can come to the party for a little while and you will pick her up at 10? I don't know why that would be an issue.
At 8 and 9 kids definitely need supervision still. I can't believe that they locked her in a room and the mom didn't even know.
If you are not comfortable with her spending the whole night, then other parents should be respecting that. I do agree that you need to help your daughter stick up for herself. It sounds like she just wants everyone to like her and be friends with everyone, but unfortunately we can't be friends with everyone. It's a hard lesson to learn but better to learn early!
I had a few friends who were never allowed to sleep over, so we found other things to do and I would go over their house. Maybe you should consider having a few friend over for your daughter for a movie night or a sleep over instead. Just a thought.
I don't think it's fair of your husband to blame you either, that doesn't help the situation.
I think how you explained it to your daughter is fine. Also you may want to add if she isn't invited then she probably wouldn't want to be friend with that girl anyway because excluding people isn't what nice people do.
Hang in there, the good news is that this will pass!
This sort of thing can bother you even in adult years. Bottom line--every person is not going to be invited to every thing. Third grade is old enough to understand that. People invite who they want to invite, for their own reasons. Maybe you shouldn't run interference and let your daughter ask the girl why she wasn't invited.
I believe you child was a guest in their home when she was locked in an empty room. That is unacceptable but for the parent to not know is even worse! Could she have known and looked the other way? For her to not know was irresponsible! That family needs a class in good manners and how to treat others!
Why would anyone put their child in harms way to be entertainment for others? I would have some other children over for a slimber party to get to know the children and meet the parents.
Sorry Claire B. I believe you missed the mark! What is more compelling than your child locked in an empty room while the parents admit to being clueless?
