What Do I Say?

You have a lot going on in your life right now. I also hate to see people break up what seems to be a long time marriage. I have been married 14 years yesterday. This last year for my marriage has been the hardest, but we had a sit down heart to heart and really talked over the issues. I don't know more of your situation that would cause you to break it up, but I would remind you that you still have 4 kids at home. Do they need their Dad? Both my parents and in-laws went through a time in their lives that one or both were wanting to "throw in the towel". But they both had kids at home during these periods and both said to themselves that they will hold off until the kids are out of the house. They both have stuck it out and both are empty nesters and loving rekindling the marriage.
PLEASE do everything you can to make your marriage work, counseling, what ever it takes. Sit down and let him know how you are feeling. Write down everything you are feeling. At a low point of my last year, my own mother suggested that instead of writing down all my frustrations, write down everything I loved about my husband. It was really what I needed.
If it is something you really feel that needs to happen, than pray hard about it and then have a time and place that you will have to create on your own to sit and discuss your feelings with your husband. If you are both feeling it than you know it was meant to happen, if you have blown his socks off, than work together to get on the same "wave length" good or bad.

Good luck and may god be with you!

A.,

I know exactly what you are going through. Been there, done that. All I can tell you is to be honest and tell him as soon as possible. Dragging it out and letting any guilt you may feel about hurting him makes it worse for both of you.

God Bless and Good luck -
C.

I am assuming you are talking about your husband. Without knowing what the circumstances are all I can suggest is...
talk to him. You are in a marriage which is an agreement. You have told your kids that they have a mom and a dad who love them. You have a responsibility to provide a father for them. Your husband needs to understand what he is doing wrong, and maybe you have too high of expectations of him. You two made an agreement years ago that you would be partners in life. That means if one side of the partnership is hurting the other side needs to step in and fix it. You cannot expect your husband to "know" what you need if you are letting things slide. Be straight forward. Give him a chance, and seek counceling. I hate to sound mean, but perhaps you may be part at blame. If you have let him believe all these years that he was doing things just right and sow your fed up with it, well that is your fault. Having a third party look at you situation (ie. counselor or religious leader) may help you both to understand. Your kids deserve to have both parents.
Just because divorce is possible, doesn't mean it's always right.

On the other hand...
if this is a second marriage, then you probably should have taken more time to get to know the guy. By sending your kids "new dad" away you are hurting them again.
Mothers need to know that it is their job to protect those who cannot protect themselves...your kids!

I agree that honesty and kindness can go a long way. Don't be angry when discussing your feelings, just say what you are feeling. The only way you can not be talked out of it, is to go in knowing what you want and what is the right thing to do. I was married for about 4 1/2 years to a good man, but there was no more love and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. After the divorce I felt so liberated and I ended up meeting and marrying the love of my life and best friend. I am close to 11 years of marriage and 2 great boys. Good luck!

I truly hate to hear of anyone wanting to end their marriage. Have you gone to counseling at all? It must be really hard to want to tell your loved one this because you know they are going to be so hurt. There's no simple way to go about it other than sit down with him face to face and tell him how your feeling. It could be the stress of being a full time student and having spent so many years raising so many kids is what is bringing on these feelings. Possibly if you talk with him about all this, maybe together you can figure it out. Life is so short, don't waste anymore time. Take care

Simply and compassionately tell him the truth on how you feel. Then stick with your decision. Don't let him talk you out of it. It is unfair to allow him to think that this relationship is going somewhere, when you know it isn't. He may be hurt for awhile, but then he will be free to find someone who will feel towards him the way he'll feel towards her. As the song claims, "breaking up is hard to do." But it is only fair to both you and him. Good luck to you now and in the future. I hope you can find happiness.

It's always hard to face the truth yourself, let alone saying it out loud. The right time will never come, but you cannot allow yourself to suffer, and you can't allow him to be in a relationship in which you don't share the same feelings. If you aren't supposed to end up with him, you won't and you can't control that. You are incharge of your own happiness, only you hold the key. There is only one question to ask: Are you happy?

I always stay with my gut feeling/ womans intuition and am honest in a kind way. It makes me feel I did the right thing although it takes courage. Also the other person may not want to hear it but in the end the truth will allow you both to explore options and resolutions to grow and move on in your life in a positive way.

Best wishes 2 you

Hi A.,

Yours sounds a lot like my relationship. I've been together with him for 21 years, married for 11. On my wedding day, when we went to pick up my dress, I wanted to tell my mom just to keep driving. But how could I do that with all those people there? All that money spent? So I went through with it. I've basically been trying to leave for seven years. There's always a reason it doesn't happen. It's never a good time. I never wanted to get divorced. I come from divorced parents. I have one daughter. I never wanted that for her. But I've never been really happy in the relationship. It was always if this would happen or that would change, maybe it will be better.

He doesn't want the relationship to end. He's very manipulative, and has convinced me to stay and try to work it out so many times. His many excuses as to why he didn't try, but this time he's hit rock bottom and he's really going to work at it this time. Then he'll go into his raging and telling me how he'll hate me, and it will be a nightmare because we'll never be able to get along and how bad it will be for our daughter. So I always have gotten to the point where it's easier to go the easier route, which is to stay.

I have put his feelings before mine for way too long. I don't want to hurt him. Blah-blah-blah. But it's hurting our daughter to be in a relationship like this. It's a very poor example of a relationship, and unless something changes, chances are she's going to grow up and choose the same kind of relationship. And I just gotten tired of being numb to the world in order to survive.

I am finally going to be free. In just a couple months. We've had to sell some things so that I have the cash to buy my own house. So it's taken longer than I wanted, but it's almost here. And I feel so hopeful and happy, more than in a long time.

But I had to be in a different place. If you make the decision out of fear or anger, or other emotions like that, it's hard to make a definite decision and stick to it. I made the decision and told him in September. I have not once wavered during that entire time. Before, I would have been worn down into trying "one more time." Believe me, he asks every few weeks. But I am clear on my decision, and there's no chance of it not happening.

The way that I got myself to this point is I read a lot of books, and I saw some people who use EFT or emotional freedom technique. It helped to clear away the fears about leaving, the things that were holding me up, so that I could make a clear decision not based on any other emotions. It gives you amazing clarity. I had to get to a point where I don't hate him or blame him.

If you do not learn what it is you're supposed to about yourself from this relationship, you may very well end up in the same kind of relationship again and again until you do. I am confident that I have learned my lessons well and am ready to move on to a real relationship. Here is a very good explanation of soul mate vs. twin flame.
http://www.tonyasomers.com/soul.htm Hint: soul mate is what my husband is to me and probably yours is to you. My next relationship will be with my twin flame.

Some of the books that were helpful for me were "Loving What Is," by Byron Katie, "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle, "Ask and It is Given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. The lady I see who has really helped me is Shelley Hawkins-Clark in Emmett. Her website is www.cadencehealing.com

You deserve to be happy. Wake up that little voice inside of you that you have probably stopped listening to. It won't steer you wrong. Happy growing!

There's never a good time to tell someone it's not working out. Just be honest. It's always hard when you know he's going to be hurt, but recognize that it's not fair to him to keep him from experiencing a relationship where someone does want to be with him.

You look at why you married him, and work it out.
It is a carefully guarded secret that we all "fall out of love" or disenfranchise ourselves with our current marriage; looking at greener pastures (which turn out to be weed-choked patches of dir later on). Try finding one more good thing or characteristic that you admire in him each day. It works wonderfully.

A., you probably won't like my advice, but we're close to the same age and I'd like you to consider that the only difference between a commitment that works out and one that doesn't is that both people keep their promises. In this disposable world, I would challenge you to consider that people and relationships are NOT disposable and that no relationship ever died because the other person received too much from the other. Try to take your focus off of how you feel about what you are getting from this relationship and enjoy how you could feel about what you GIVE to it. If for any reason you are not SAFE in this relationship, please call an advocate in your community.

God's best ~

V.

Hi A.,

Have you thought about Christian Counseling? Why would you not want to be talked out of your relationship? It seems that you both had some kind of great relationship with 8 kids. It would be a shame to throw it all away. You did not elaborate on what the problem was. Perhaps when you acquire your nursing degree, things will be different.

Best Regards,
C.

It's hard when you just don't feel it anymore. You need to do what's best for yourself. If you feel like you should stick around, try looking for his good qualities instead of dwelling on those that make you frustrated. If he's abusive at all, you should consider getting help leaving. You just have to be sure of what you want, then it won't matter what he says to try talk you out of it.

Take a look at your life. I'm almost 50. About your age, I started wondering about all that, too. It may be that your body is changing and that is why your feelings seem to have changed. You don't say how long you have been together, but if it's been awhile it may be worth saving.

Relationships are hard. I think you should get out if you are unhappy and he dosen't know bad sign. Besides how much is it going to hurt feelings like when he realizes he is with some one who dosen't feel the same. Both people lose follow your heart and talk to a person who knows you best. Friend, parent, someone who loves you!!!

why is it not working out?
I have been divorced and now am re-married to a wonderful man. The only advice I can give you is just BE SURE this is the end and not only a phase or boredom or something. have you both tried marriage counceling? Have you tried telling him how you feel? It is very important that you get these feeling out and try to work it out. When you have exhausted every other avenue and things still aren't where they should be, maybe try separating for awhile.

A.,

People considering divorce often fall for three myths:

I'll be free of my spouse.
Conflict will be over.
Now I can do what I want.

From what I've observed, this becomes less true of divorced people than of unhappily married people. With children, you will NEVER be free of your spouse or whatever conflict you want to escape. Conflict can become even worse following divorce and you can't be rid of it because you share the same children. And if you remarry...and your new spouse is divorced...then you also add to your life the conflict that comes with his unhappy marriage and divorce...as well as all the devastated children that come with it. Unhappiness can increase exponentially following divorce. I've known numerous people who feel that if they had known how much worse the conflict would be following divorce (and how much more devastating it would be for their children), they would have stayed married.

Here's a link that anyone considering divorce should look at. This speaker is also an author of a book by (I believe) the same title - "Thinking Divorce? Think again!"

http://ce.byu.edu/cw/fuf/archives/2006/lorie.d.fowlke.pdf

My advice is WRITE IT OUT. It sounds like you are the kind of compassionate person who doesn't want to hurt someone's feelings and who will sacrifice your own to make others happy. If I'm right about that, than I know how you feel--I'm the same way. And I find it really helps me to have my thoughts written down on paper. Then I can be clear about what my needs are and not be talked out of them. Be sure to give some options--if you even want to consider things working out. Like: My needs are A, B, and C. If you can do X, Y and Z, we can work this out. If not, I need to do what will make me happy. And that includes __________. Good luck!

Wow! You've got a lot going on. From your statement, it seems that you are conflicted. You don't want to hurt him, so you still have some sort of feelings for him, but you don't want him to talk you out of it either. Just know this, divorce seems so simple now, but in the long run, it is heart-wrenching and draining for everyone involved (including your kids).
I know you are ready to be done, but have you told him, in all honesty, how you feel? One thing I do know about men is that they are usually clueless unless you spell it out for them. I know you are at the end of your rope, but I would give him a chance after you tell him what's up. Sometimes they just need a kick in the pants. If you find it hard to do this alone, get a therapist. I can't tell you how many things have been said back and forth between my husband and I that should have been offensive but weren't because our therapist was a neutral party.
Remember, tell him the WHOLE truth. How can it be better unless he knows everything...even if it seems really harsh?