Good Morning Mamas,
Please bear with me as this is going to be long. So my husband and I have not had an easy road the past few years. I reluctantly agreed to move 7 hours from our home because he wanted a change of pace. I genuinely gave it my all at trying to love it here (and actually do love many aspects of our current life), but financially things are out of control.
We built a house down here and moved in immediately. The plan was for both of us to work full time and have a nanny for our son. I will be honest and say that after a few days of work, my heart just couldn't handle not being with him. I know plenty of you moms work full time and I commend you for it, because it is just not for me (at least without family around to help). My husband seemed to be fine that I wasn't going to work a traditional job, and we both agreed that I would try and find something that I could do from home or with little time outside of the house.
I know I didn't always do my best at trying to find things to do. To be honest, it is hard enough to work from home with a child running around, and if you aren't thrilled with what you are doing, it seems to be harder to get stuff done. I tried multiple times to open a small daycare, but knowing no one in the area made that difficult.
Fast forward to today. My husband lost his job last May and was out of work until mid-July. The bills continually piled up, and because we were having problems paying all of them prior to him losing his job, once he lost it it became a battle to keep up (and using our credit cards in a way we never wanted or anticipated needing to use them). I began work part-time in July just to help keep up with things, but that covered minimal costs as well because my hubby's new job was technically only part time. There were times that in a two week period, he made what he used to make in one week at his last job. This continued until January when he was finally offered a full time position. Currently, he makes about $800 less per month at this job than he did at his last one. His current job also is with a large company that would allow him to relocate up to Pennsylvania without any real issues. He also works odd, rotating hours, so I we rarely have a set schedule with him. (i.e 7-4, then 10-7, then 11-8, then 10-7, then 7-4) He also only has one weekend off a month, so that becomes an issue with me trying to find something as well.
Now to the problem. We did the first time homebuyers loan, so I know that we need to stay at our current home until April of 2012. I am okay with that, but 100% believe that we need to get out as soon as that time comes. We need to sell our house, try to work out our debt, and begin to move on with our lives. The only way we can easily do that is if we move back to Pennsylvania to have family help with baby-sitting. (They have already offered.) My husband, however, thinks I am being a jerk about the whole thing and wants to stay here because he "loves it here." To me, that is not a valid enough reason to justify staying here in crazy amounts of debt. So what do I do now? My husband literally cursed me out this morning because he is so upset about me discussing the move (he feels like he has no say in it), but I feel like he is being a selfish baby about the whole thing (although I didn't say that to him). How do I get him to understand? We go to a fabulous church, should I get the pastor involved? I'm not saying I am 100% right, but there is no valid reason to stay.
Thanks so much ladies, I really appreciate your help.
For Dawn...you did not read my whole thing. I have no intentions of selling our home prior to the 3 year mark. I know that we would take a HUGE hit if we did that.
The other thing I completely forgot to include (I am so scatterbrained this morning) is that right now our families are helping us out financially every month so we can keep the house until April of 2012 and not owe $8,000 back to the government. It's not tons, but enough that I don't feel comfortable with it. If we stayed, they would inevitably continue to help us out which I feel is not part of their duties.
Ladies, thanks so much for the help you have already given. There is so much more to the story (i.e. we are expecting again come August...oops!), so there are plenty of other "little" factors like that that pose a problem. We also have a potential job opportunity in PA that would allow us to be completely debt free within a year of working there, which also makes it difficult for me to justify staying here. I really appreciate your sincerity though. I don't necessarily want to hear it, but it is at least helping me to see his side of the story a little more. :)
I think you should give opening "a small daycare" another try! a lady down the road from me opened one and was able to pay off their house and all debts AND finance her husband opening a propane company within five years of starting. all she did for advertisement was put up a big sign in her yard (a wooden professional looking sign her highschooler made in wood shop) with her phone# on it. good luck!
You guys had a plan when you moved there and bought that house and then you re-nigged on it. I'm sure your husband is disappointed and frustrated.
If you move back to PA, he'll be unhappy and you will still be in debt.
You are fighting due to the lack of money.
That's what you need to fix.
Time to buck up and figure out a way to work part time and get yourselves out of debt and not lose your home.
A good story to tell your kiddos later will be the one where mom saved the day by going back to work and saving the house. If you stick it out till 2012, so many things will have changed by then.... 365 days does that.
Get on board with hubby and execute your original plan. You guys are a team and you are opposing seems to me.
In my opinion, rather than relying on family to pay for your home or provide free child care you need to pare down your living expenses and, if you both need to work full time and place your children (I see you are expecting) in daycare or hire a nanny so be it (especially as this was the deal you brokered prior to moving). You already have the crazy amounts of debt. That isn't going to go away just because you move back to PA and I assume you are attempting to pay it off now, not waiting until April of 2012 to address your debt issues. Why not put the talking about moving on hold until you see what your situation is in mid-2012? Frankly, and I am not trying to be rude, it is time for you and your husband to stand on your own and be self-reliant.
I know you want to move back to be near your family, but you need to understand that your husband is your family now. Being with him is what matters. You agreed to move, now you're telling him you want to move back. Really not fair to him.
If you can't make ends meet right now then find another income. Maybe you need to get an evening job so your hubby will be with your child and you won't have the child-care expenses or the guilt of leaving him with a non-family member.
Bottom line is you need to disconnect from your family (not completely obviously) and connect to your husband. Your life is with him now.
Hi M.,
Although PA totally rocks (sorry, I guess I'm biased) I think you need to stay put.
You've built a home and had a layoff which is a financial setback.
BUT it takes a lot longer than a year or two to get back to where you need to be. It's not like your hubby has been sitting around on his butt unemployed for years--it was, like, 2-3 months? And you're THAT much in debt?
I think what MAY have happened is that you built more house than you can handle financially and you've had an income decrease.
Solution: earn more!
YOU get a PT job in the evenings, weekends, HE can get another (PT) job.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you need to get out the shovels and DIG OUT of this mess.
I think you revealed a lot in your third sentence: "I reluctantly agreed to move 7 hours from our home because he wanted a change of pace."
And the first sentence of your 3rd paragraph: "I know I didn't always do my best at trying to find things to do. " THAT was YOUR end of the bargain when you quit your FT job!
I think you need to give this more time. You can't run home every time something happens. It's not fair to your husband. You agreed to move, you agreed to work. Good luck!
Another vote on your husband's side, sorry.
No matter where you go, there you are.
:(
I don't mean to be harsh but you are part of the problem.
Get a job, put the baby in daycare, start paying your bills.
Your hubby has every right to be mad at you. Things are tough so now you want to run home to mommy.
Give this a chance.
We are a military family I had to move away and grow up too. I had to get a job here and there to help out. I had to put my kids in daycare. I had to make a life with my husband. That's the bottom line, you and he are a family, help him make it work.
And if I could have stayed in NC I would have, I loved it there. But hubby is here in VA, so we are too.
I think that you need to think about this differently.
Right now, it really sounds like the 2 of you feel as though if you don't get your way, you "lose" and your partner "wins." That is not a good way to view major decisions that effect the whole family. (And believe me, I understand exactly how this happens, LOL).
Also, I wonder (just taking a stab), if part of the reason that your DH wants to stay is to prove that you (and specifically he) can do it, and haven't made a poor decision.
You both need to sit down and come up with some compromises. I think that if you belong to a great church, it's time to start using that church to help you build a second "extended family" there in NC. At the very least, this will help you now over the next year. Get to know other families--offer to swap babysitting so you and DH can get some time alone to do FUN things, etc. (and FUN can be free! Do a little research in your area, and you can find all kinds of fun things to do that don't cost much or anything).
In the meantime, set aside this decision. At the very least, you can't do anything about it for the next year. Yes, you're not happy where you are, but your DH is. If you make more of an effort, you may find that you can be happy there, too. You owe it to yourself, first and foremost, to try to be happy & make friends and a new support network, and you also owe it to your family.
Meanwhile, lay off the discussions about moving and tell DH that you think that you both need a break from these moving discussions, so you want to leave it alone, and come back to it 6 months or a year. Put it aside, not just verbally, but in all ways (try to avoid thinking about it all the time, etc.)
When you do come back to it, focus on the whole picture, not just what "you want" and "he wants." Ask him to help you come up with solutions to the issues, both the family issues (debt) and the other issues (lack of support network and/or friends). Tell him how you feel, but don't place blame on him.
I wish you luck... It can be miserable living in a place you don't want to be, and just awful when you have all this financial weight crushing you down....
On a side note, you might check out www.cannywomen.com for some great tips on how to save/conserve; as well as The Tightwad Gazette, great book on ways to being frugal.
I really don't mean to verbally beat you up, but it doesn't sound like you held up your end of the plan. Point blank: you were suppose to work full-time. Yes, your heart wasnt in it, but lots of moms would like to stay home with the baby, but their family needs a double income, so they work. You really didn't want to move and now you want to move back home.
Your husband probably feels like you sabotaged the plan, although it probably wasn't intentional. He's working crazy hours and the burden is entirely on him, and you tell him you're ready to pull the plug. So I understand why he is angry and hurt. Living there was his dream and he's watching it collapse.
However, you've now dug yourselves into a financial hole. And with 2 small kids on the horizon, you may not be able to afford sending them both to daycare and going back to work FT (without the childcare help from family). You probably will need to move back home, but this unfortunately will impact your relationship with your spouse. You'll need to mend any resentment and frustration he feels.
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Wow-he is being very selfish and immature. Tell him that if he can find a job with the same payout as the PA job then fine-you will stay. But if not you have your family to consider and must move. You have failed in NC-no matter how lovely it is there for him.. Failed. A tough truth for him to hear but the truth none the less. End of story. When you are a grownup with a family to support you do not get the luxury of putting yourself first.
unless you can find a job that allows you to take off every time one of the kids gets sick, you will need a lot of support. or you will lose your job. and you will need Maternity leave. I dont see how getting a full time job will work for you right now. UNLESS you get a full time job inNC and HE becomes a SAHD. Is that an option? If you move near family will you work and have them help babysit? that makes sense.
Considering that you can do nothing until April of 2012, I think that you put off this discussion until then. There is plenty of time between now and then for your financial situation to get better. There is no reason that you have to make a decision RIGHT NOW about this. Lots of things can change between now and then. I don't know what the housing market is like there, but here, you would probably end up having to short sale your house and lose money ~ just doesn't seem to be the best option in my opinion.
Congratulations on the new little one!!
Is there a middle ground for both of you? Is the reason to move back for more than debt relief? Are you looking at this as a way to get out of your agreement to move far away (even subconsciously)? Right now it sounds like he's far on one side and you far on the other. What's in the middle? Could you relocate closer to home but not all the way back? Would moving impact his job? Is there something you could do from home (I work PT from home - try sites like hiremymom.com, biztant.com and odesk.com)? You say "easily" but is there a solution that might be harder but be better for your marriage?
As a marriage therapist, I have to point out that neither of you is looking at what's best for your family and your relationship. It sounds as if you originally agreed to do something you didn't want to do (made a concession) and didn't hold up your end of the bargain. You now want him to make a concession and he is resisting. Concessions lead either to a sense of betrayal (what your husband feels) or resentment (what you feel). Trying to recruit people to your point of view is not going to help the distance between you and your husband. You must find a way to be able to listen respectfully to the other's points of view. Being able to discuss moving, staying, new jobs, etc., in a calm, rational manner is the key to making good decisions you both can support. Anything less is damaging to the marriage. We all want our own way but we give that up the moment we say "I do". Marriage is for grown ups and it doesn't sound like either of you is willing to be a grown up. Sometimes things don't go the way we want and we have to find ways to accept and live with that. Wishing it were different is an immature position. Turning this into your way vs. his way is a lose-lose proposition. Identify all reasonable options and then sit down and weigh the real pros and cons of each. Recognize your emotional reactions but don't make decisions from that perspective. Good luck-your kids are counting on you both to get this right.
