My daughter gets into these hitting "moods". She'll get this gleam in her eye and I usally know it's coming. Usually it is onset by her being tired, her being jealous of someone else (another baby or even our cat). She will hit me again and again no matter how much I try to let her know that it's not ok to hit -which then she will often start hitting herself (kinda strange). After she does this I will generally pick her up and take her to a seat, get down to her level, and sternly tell her it's not ok to hit, it hurts, etc. Her reaction: she always laughs. Then she'll go right back to hitting me, her dad, or the cat. Just to clarify, she isn't an attention deprived child by any means and she is certainly not learning this from anybody. This has been going on for months and my stratagy does not seem to be working. Suggestions please!
dear L. k
i watch my mom all the time with my little brothers.what she does is she will put them in time fro 5 minutes.after that she will go over and talk to him and tell him it wasnt nice and that he needs to apologize.if he doesnt apologoze then he stays in time out until he does.hope this helps
F.
I don't mean to offend anyone, but I have to strongly disagree with Tina R. By placing your child (or grandchild) in your lap and holding her arms down--you are teaching her that your body is a place of punishment! You do not want your child to associate touching you or sitting on your lap as punishment. Your lap and your body should be a place of love, protection and support.
I would suggest figuring out what your daughter's "currency" is. Every person has something that they would be very upset to lose--whatever that is for her (maybe a toy, a stuffed animal, a video--her VERY favorite thing) you need to figure it out. Then you sit her down and talk to her BEFORE she hits and explain to her that if she hits again, she loses that thing. Then when she hits, follow through. Show her the object, put it away in a cabinet or other place, and explain to her that she lost it for hitting. Tell her she will earn it back if she doesn't hit.
A couple hours later, make a big deal about giving the item back to her. Explain to her again that if she hits, she will lose it again...and follow through! It may take a few times, but if you truly are taking something away from her that means a lot to her, then she will most likely change her behavior.
Hitting and biting at this age are very common. At 14 months, children know more words in their mind than they are able to speak. Give her the tools to put words to her feelings. Teach her phrases like "I don't like that!" or "That makes me mad!" She is hitting because she is frustrated that she can't express how she feels in a way that you will understand.
L., it was refreshing to read your post and know that it is not only my 14 mth old. He hits when he is excited, upset, tired. Usually it is when he is in our arms that he will hit us in the face. We have started putting him down immediately and telling him not to hit. Of course, he wants to be in my arms so he reaches to come back up. I then tell him that I won't hold him if he hits. I first had to do it several times in a row for him to get the picture. Now, with me, I only have to do it once or twice and he stops. He is still learning but, it seems to be working and he is getting the message. He is still a baby but consistency is key.
She's only 14 months, don't worry about it. As you can see, the bigger deal you make of it the more she wants to do it. Try ignoring it. (Except if she hits the cat with any real force, you may want to remove the cat from the room. But again, she's still a baby, this is not a real sign of serious aggression.)
I have a social daughter, and liked the drama and attention. When this came up with her, I didn't let her see me flinch: As much as possible, I would coldly take her to her play pen or room, and give her a time out (# of minutes = age).
Sometimes I would take a time out in my room (she loathed that as well).
About once a year, when she is over-tired or something, she will test "why doesn't hitting hurt mommy or get her a reaction?" (because I am not going to give you the pleasure!) and we go through the time out routine again.
When she is angry with me (but hasn't gotten physical) we will go to her room, and I try to be her calm "anger consultant" and we try different things like hitting the bed, etc.
L.,
Your daughter might be telling you that she needs some sensory input. My suggestion would be to let her know that it's not ok to hit people, but that she could satisfy the need for proprioception (input into the joints, muscles and ligaments, which some kids crave, especially when they are tired or out of sorts) by pushing something heavy, doing wheelbarrow walking, jumping on a minitrampoline, or even asking for some joint compression from Mom. It is my belief that children seek out what they need, and that it is our job as parents to help them get what they need in appropriate ways. There are no bad children. Children always want to please. Just try to redirect, in an appropriate way.
stop it in action and wait 2 months :)
Hi L.:
I have a 13 month old girl.. well.. my little monster as people have come to call her. She is a sweet girl, but she gets in those same moods that you were describing and starts to hit. We have adopted the method of preasing the good, ignoring the bad ( i think someone else suggested this also). If she is on our lap or on the couch and she's playing and being good, we play right back with her. The second she starts getting aggressive, we remind her to be nice and gentle... gentle--key word.... if she persists to hit, we simply tell her-very sternly- no hitting, put her down and play time is over until she is ready to be nice and gentle again. It does take alot of reinforcements and you and anyone else that is helping you (ie daycare/family) has to be on the same page with you. If one person tolerates it she will see inconsistencies and exploit them. I think having a talk with her right now is a bit of a reach, but keep it short and simple: "no hitting, this hurts mommy" and "be nice and gentle". This is starting to work for me. Hopefully it will also work for you. Happy holidays and best of luck!!!!
B. H.
She isn't too young to start learning that people (or cats)do not like to be around her when she is not beeing sweet. At the first sign of hitting tell her "we don't hit" and move her to her room or somewhere that she will be by herself. At this young you may put her in her room, but stand outside the door. Give her a couple minutes by herself but do not go in until after she has been calm for a couple minutes. She will figure it out soon enough. But it does take constant repitition. Try not to react to her other than calmly moving her to her room. Once she has calmed down and is ready to be sweet give her some positive attention like cuddling a bit before releasing her back to play.
Put her on time out. Don't talk a lot, just be clam and say No hitting. Stand behind her on the time out spot so she stays, have her stay for one min then explain it to her. You went on time out because you were hitting. I don't like it when you hit because it hurts. It is not nice. If you hit again you will go back on time out.
It will be a very hard day for you, and you will spend most of it in the time out corner, but the next day will be better. She will start to understand you are not kidding, and every time she does that she will have the same thing happen- a time out. She will stop once she knows you will not cave. Don't give in, even if you spend the whole day on time out, stick to your guns!
Hi L.!
It's amazing isn't it? Most do not teach our children to hit, and they hit anyway!!!! Your daughter is not different than any other 14 month old :o)
First, try ignoring her. Or NOT giving her a reaction if you see her hit "lightly". If she's just looking for a reaction, then this should stop the behavior completely :o)
But anytime you see her hit to hurt, you need to pull out your "angry mom voice" and tell her "No Hit!". She should cry if you tell her firmly enough, then hold her while you're telling her not to hit anymore.
L., this is just the beginning for your daughter doing things to get your attention and reactions. This will be going on for quite awhile, so now is the time to "push up your sleeves" and pull out your mom tricks :o)
Good Luck!
~N. :o)
While your daughter may not be hitting to get you attention, chances are she continues hitting to see your reaction. So, I suggest you calmy tell her not to hit & then disract her by getting her involved in another activity. At 14 momths, the less you talk the better, meaning don't have a big convo about how it would feel if she were hit, that it makes people said & isn't nice. Save that for when she's closer to 3 yrs. Making her say sorry won't really have an impact yet on her, either. Our son went thru this phase closer to 2 yrs, & I just firmly said not to hit & then distracted him w/something else or completely removed him from the area. At 2 & older, he could say sorry but there were a couple of times, I removed him w/o saying anything to him & apologized to the parents instead. Try the praise-the-postive & ignore-the-negative....when she touches a baby or an animal nicely, praise her for being so sweet & kind. Also, teach her by example....not that you go aroung smacking the cat or people (!) but when you're petting the cat, talk about how nicely you're doing it & how much the cat likes that. Best of luck!
My 16 month-old boy has the same issue. When it happens, I sternly (not loudly) tell him no, that hitting hurts, then I disengage. I either walk away from him, or distract him with another activity. It is frustrating, my older son didn't hit, so it is new territory for me. Disengaging seems to work well - if he doesn't get a continued reaction, he tends to stop. Hope that helps!
My granddaughter was doing this and I would tell her no you can't hit and then I would pick her up and hold her in my lap holding her arms down while continuing to tell her you can't hit and would do this every time she started hitting, holding her for a few minutes and you are right it was when she was tired or maybe jealous about something, but it worked. It took a few different times of doing this, you know over a few days, but she stopped and doesn't do it anymore at all. I don't know maybe it is partly being a little more patient with a grandchild then with my daughter, I'm sure I handled it wrong then. but try it, but all these kids are different and react to everything differently but boy they are a joy aren't they.
our daughter sometimes stil hits. it's usually when dad or i are holding her so we tell her not to hit, that it hurts and then set her on the ground and walk away. sometimes she just walks away in the other direction (little miss independent) but usually she cries and i go about my biz in the kitchen. i will come back to her and tell her i love her and that it's not ok to hit. she has gotten the point and rarely hits now.
