What Do I Do? - Westbrook,ME

Hello L.,

When my husband and I were married, (10 years ago), we were the only couple in the group, so I had to decide if I was going to fight with him to be home OR understand he needed "guy" time and allow his late nights. I decided to allow the late nights, because it worked best for our marriage AND his behavior did not interfere with his work or our "us" time.

One thing I did was establish some requests, (not rules because we are both adults and I didn't want to Mommy him). I told him I wanted 1 day a week & 1 hour a day of "us/family" time. This gave me the attention I needed and allowed him the freedom he needed.

10 years later, he's home much more often and we still have the hour a day/ day a week rule.

I suggest you think about what YOU need from your husband, like do you need family dinner, help with chores, time to talk & connect. Then tell him, "I need X from you, how can we meet my needs while respecting your?" This will make him feel like you're thinking of him while getting your needs met.

Now, if his hours are interferring with his work or his connection with family, I suggest you bring that up too.

As spouses, we need to be flexible, but as an adult, he needs to set-up to his duties & be an adult.

I hope this helps.

R. Magby

I dont really have any advise for you but I want you to know your not alone. My husband started doing that every night of the week. He would leave and I literally would have no idea when I would see him again. He would show up at 5am, 8am, and a few times not till the next night. My husband was doing alot of drugs and drinking and none of his friends had any responsibilities and the few that did have kids didnt care. I left him about 3 weeks ago with 2 children and 28 weeks pregnant. I talked to my husband but he was to into his drugs to care. I hope things turn out better for you and work out better than they did for me.

How old is he?
But age does not matter.... there are some 16 year olds more responsible than a grown man.

Its called selish-ness, arrested development, egoism, passive aggressiveness, dis-respect, non-caring, tuning you out, acting like a child who won't listen, taking advantage of you, irresponsible.... self-serving.... or he is unhappy and trying to be a young guy again... or act like it. Or he is not happy at home. Some men.... also go out a lot because they are not happy at home (imagined or not).... or they can't cope with being a Dad or Husband.

I don't think you can "make" him not go out... he obviously will not listen or care to listen. It his a CHOICE he is making.... and the one's getting affected are you and the kids. (if you have kids at home).

And if he does that, he probably does not know how to act like a Husband or Dad, responsibly.... and he probably does other selfish things???
Will he go to counseling?
Will he jump into shape if you just do the same?
YOU should have a social life too... any woman/Mom deserves that.
Just mark it down on a calendar...

So sorry.... he sounds very hard to reach.

All the best,
Susan

I only feel right in asking this because I am in the exact same situation with my husband right now as well. Are you sure he is out with his "buddies"? I hate to be the one to "plant" ideas into people's heads and cause them any reason to worry but I am having to ask myself these questions as well. Chances are he is not out with his buddies at all. For awhile I decided to believe him but now it's starting to happen WAY TOO MUCH. He is out practically every night as well. Leaving me at home with our two daughter's. I can tell you that I am just about at my breaking point with this too.

Anyhow, in saying all that just be aware. I am not saying become a snoop and a nag but just be aware.

If you don't have kids with him, now might be the time to get out of the relationship.

Consider using a communication technique called Non-Violent Communication. It has made an enormous difference in my ability to connect compassionately with others, even in conflict. My husband and I use it to good effect when we disagree or when our individual "issues" arise. It takes some effort, but can start to make a difference immediately.

What's so great about NVC is that it teaches us to identify needs, which are always legitimate, in both ourselves and the "difficult" person. It helps us learn the difference between emotions, which arise naturally, and our concepts and ideas about feelings, which are learned (and often unproductive). Once I began to sort those out, I was amazed at how much easier it was to hear the other person, to feel compassion for their predicament, and to express my own underlying needs clearly.

Your husband doesn't have to learn the process in order for you to use it. You can google Non-Violent Communication to find all kinds of help; descriptions of the process, examples, tips and coaching, books and videos.

Therapy. Now. Or walk away. If you have children, it's worth it to try and fix the situation. But this will not fix itself just by your begging and his promising to change behavior. It's not just 'boys will be boys'-- he is finding an escape with his buddies; he needs to work to get to the root of this impulsive, immature behavior. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you don't get therapy to fix the underlying behavior, he may be better for a few months and then find another way to escape.

I think counseling or the next time hubby feels its ok for a married man to stay out all night long I would change the locks and treat myself to a spa hotel stay for that night and if you have children take them and have a ball at a hotel. I would leave his suitcase outside for him ....empty that is. Make sure his so called buddies is not slang for a women. My ex marred his so called buddie.

I can't speak to your situation specifically, but when my ex was out too late too often, he was up to no good. There is absolutely NO REASON a married man should be out all night with "his buddies." Bars are only open so late, and suffice it to say, his buddies probably have jobs, families, something that requires them to get sleep once in a while, so I would have my doubts about what he's doing. I am sorry to put these thoughts in your head, although I have to think that you have already thought them yourself.

I would definitely consider counseling, and some serious conversations with your husband about his behavior. It's acceptable because you are allowing it to be. An evening out with friends every so often is healthy, but it sounds like what your husband is doing is FAR from healthy.

It's not healthy for your relationship. Even if he's faithful to you, eventually the two of you will become farther apart. He should be inviting you to spend fun time with him. Once in a great while, it's fine for him to get together with the guys...but it should be to a sport game, or somewhere that there are not other mixed couples. Otherwise, he should be bringing you. If he doesn't... do "your own thing" too. Eventually you will probably be asking for a separation.
Good Luck!
S.

This is absurd behavior for a married man. It's healthy to spend some time with your friends...but not all the time and not at the expense of his family time. He should want to spend time with his family. Oh and there is no way on Earth my husband would be spending ALL night out. I could see until a little later than usual...but not an all nighter. He's not a single guy anymore!
I would sit him down and ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with you all. I would also tell him that things are going to have to change or your relationship is going to start cracking apart. Marriage is about compromise. It's not fair for him to act like a single person and abandon his family and then be a baby and refuse to even talk about it. ugh!

You have some soul searching to do L.. Where does your husband go when he is out all night? What exactly could he be doing all night?

If he won't go for some counseling with you then consider going alone to figure this out. Someone dear to me stayed married for 15 years to a man that left her home most of the time. She tried and tried until he pulled completely away emotionally, then they separated and he was married to someone else before she could turn her head. This may not be the case with you, but what you want to avoid is feeling regret. Why didn't I act? Why didn't I take care of myself. All those years are gone..

Take care of yourself. Get some counseling. Maybe you can work it out.