What Could Be Going on with My Son?

I think what changed is he is 13 for one thing and for two he started a new school. I remeber the change from elementry to middle school, and even though I went with all the same kids as before, there were new ways of doing things everyone has new stresses, etc. Think back to how you felt when you went to a new school. At least he does have one friend and as long as his grades haven't slipped or he isnt causing trouble because he isn't challenged, I think maybe he is just trying to find his place in a new place.

Try to get him involved in a youth group at church or after school program. Many churches have summer programs like Vacation Bible School. checkyour local area. Drive by your local neighborhood. One is boun dto be starting this coming June.

Hi AB:
I couldn't help but wonder,after reading your request. You never mentioned your sons attitude,or frame of mind.Thats A very important point.Hes a young teen,and I'm sure the transition from one school to another has been very difficult for him.You mentioned he had several friends,and activities at his prior school.Thats because he worked at building relationships. Maybe,he is feeling depressed about leaving those friends behind. Possibly he feels as though it is senseless to begin new relationships,for fear he will lose those eventually.I think young people,dread starting all over again.It means opening up, being outgoing and starting conversations with complete strangers.Hanging out with the neighbor boy, is a convienant friendship.He is shy and quiet,and this is probably a refreshing change,as far as your son is concerned.Maybe hes a good listener,and your son needs a friend he can talk to. Maybe your son is helping this boy academically,which would only help in building up your sons self esteem.I've never believed in forcing A child to join or sign up for extra activities,but it may not hurt, for his dad or you,to mention (you miss going and watching him play sports)And ask if there are any hes interested in right now. I think, as long as he doesn't appear depressed, or with-drawn,and is communicating with you both, that hes simply taking his time to build new friendships. The best to you all.

Hi A B it sounds like your son is going through some adjustments to a new school, and if he is hangig out with a boy in the neighborhood who may be on the shy side, chances are this boy isn't in any gangs, probabbly not a trouble maker, i wouldn'y worry to much, the fact that he is a boy, dad probably meeds to get in there with some father son time, I boys had an strong interest in basket ball and then they didn't, know they are both training for the UFC not every moms dream for their sons, but it's their passion, well for my 24 year old God is his first passion then his wife, then the UFC. J.

Two different things come to my mind- this is the age when kids start to show their independence and are trying to take some of their own control- 14 is even worse. But it is his lack of interest in things that he used to find fun, that bothers me the most- make sure he is not getting into the wrong drug crowd. My son had a lot of friends in 8th grade, that totally went the drug route freshman yr of high school, these are kids I would have never guessed would have done that. One was the quarterback on the football team who had a promising career in football and it got so bad he was kicked out of school-this was one of my sons closest friends in 8th grade and someone I was excited he hung around with-any time I drove them places we talked about drugs and he said he would NEVER do them but he started hanging around a different group. Seems like 1/2 my sons friends did and 1/2 did not. I am thankful my son did not, but he was big time into sports and much more intersted in working out and eating healthy to play the best he could. He lost some friends to drugs and kept the others and he was always honest with me and would tell me who was doing what. If you don't know this other boy well, check him out if he is new to you, he could be different then what he appears to you. Are some of his old friends at this new school and he no longer wants to associate with them or is everybody new? That is tough for a 13 yr old too-is he is high school or did you move-their could be a lot of contributing factors- BUT check out this kid, did the kid come before or after the disinterest? The boys who did drugs were the nicest sweetest around- you would NEVER know!!

Hi A B,

Your son may also be very shy and having a hard time meeting friends in the new school. A 12 year old boy would be less "threatening" than someone his own age. See if you can get him involved in something after school, if not sports, maybe scouts or volunteer or something. He's got a lot of time on his hands and that could lead to trouble down the road. Also, ask him what's going on, he may give you a hint.

V.

Talk with him. Really keep up communication with a child at this age... lots going on, being on the cusp of teen-hood etc.

Always be there for him not matter what, without "judging" him... as they hit full teens, you want your child to "feel" able to come to you for anything and any problem, instead of seeking outside influences, and possibly "bad" habits and friends and activities.

It's important to keep up "talking story" to a child at this age. My Father did that, and it was invaluable, and a great support system during this "confusing" time as a teen. It helps a child to feel "centered" and that someone is always there for you, no matter what.

He seems like a bright boy, and good with his school work. See what is in his heart... let him speak about his emotions... let him feel that you are always available to him. That's important for a teen/child. Boys need this as well, talking about their feelings so they don't feel they have to be "strong" and "silent." They need to feel "accepted."

Good luck, and take care, hope this helps. This is what helped when I was a teen. It makes a world of difference.
~Susan

Talk to his teachers and see who he is with at school. I would do that soon, sounds like with all the changes you are aware of some concerns you should be having; talk with them soon. AND don't forget to talk to him. Why the lack of interest in things he used to like.... Try to get him back in sports, maybe a new sport, something to keep him out of trouble and with other 'good' kids.

Change is so hard for teens! I think you are right, one friend is better than none... Call the school and see what activities are offerred after school. Plan an activity at your home and have him invite some potential friends over (you could even rent out Pump It Up for 2 hours). Keep the group small enough that he won't be overlooked. A teacher might be able to suggest some kids with common interests.

It is really hard to give advice when I don't know all the facts. Why the change in schools and how far away from old school?

Activities in sports was that with in the school or in a community setting? If it was a community setting I would definetly get him back into it. Another thought is how about boys and girls club? Was there one at his old school or one used by both schools to help intergrate new and old friends.

The best thing we did when our 3 kids went from a montessori to public school was have them ride the bus! This way they made new friends, whom they saw every day and lived near by. That is how they actually made their current best friends. Even trying it one way, like home from school. This made setting up play dates easy too for the kids can get off at each other stops and then parents just pick up from the house. It helped us get to know the parents too!

My son was in TO little league for 6 years so he met alot of kids who didn't go to his school. But when he moved from elementary to middle school some of those old friends were there. Now in high school he sees alot more of these old friends. He is in football which started over the summer before he started high school, so that helped also with being familiar with the campus and new friends.

Just a suggestion about high school, they will have an orientation week in the summer, usually August. Make sure you sign up your son for it ASAP. Spots are limited and it is a great way for them to get familiar with the campus and meet fellow freshmen and older students too! It was huge in relieving the stress of a new campus and what to do etc.

Are you friends with the parents of his old friends? If so find out what they are into during the weekends, paintball, soccer, lecrosse, swimming, baseball, football and see if you can have him join. The key is mixing the old and the new so that he stays social and feels he has friends to choose from for activities etc.

Good Luck,

S. Chase

your son is more likley going threw pubuity oh yes the nice child you have loved will become somthing else were you find your self saying weres my son the best thing is to find a web site that explanes all about the changes he will go threw but the most importaint thing is that he understands that he is not weard that it is normal what he will go threw emotions hair growth in all places,my son freaked out when he got hair in privet intill i told him that it was normal it was like a big relef off his shoulders if you dont feel comftrable talking about it print it out let him read it and ask if he has any questions you have about 3-4 years of this just be patient and pray my son is 14 oh yea the fun we have to look foward to I to found my self saying weres my son its a whole dirfernt world moodswings maybe give him a outlet like a cummunity club for teens

I teach this age of child, and see this a lot. Kids are trying to find their own way and own independence. As long as his friend is not a trouble maker, I would allow the friendship to continue. I think one of the key things at this age is to be active in something, whether sports, church group, music, or some other organized activity. Require him to sign up for one activity of his choosing and let him choose how to spend the rest of his time, this way he has some control. Let him know if his grades begin to drop, you will look at who he is hanging out with and whether it can continue.