Teenage Boy Struggling - Need Advice ASAP !

Lots of responses so I may be repeating...

When you are a sophomore, waiting 2 years to graduate and go to college feels like FOREVER. While I completely agree that he will probably be much more likely to find friends then, he needs something now. Good suggestions to find other activities outside school, but I imagine if there are only 300 kids in his school, most outside activities involve those same kids.

Volunteering might be the best option. Wish I had more suggestions. :(

I think he needs to find a group/activity/club or something that is focused on things he LOVES. It doesn't have to be a school related thing.
It's so hard for them at that age to realize that in 10 years, all of the jocks and cheerleaders will miraculously be "just regular people"!

Enroll in advanced classes. Some colleges offer weekend classes for non-college age students. He may find it easier to communicate with young college students all while making friends and learning. Since he seems to be stuck between adulthood and childhood. I think that older, educated teens and young adults would be good for him. Take him to your local community college and look into a weekend course of some kind for advanced high school kids. It may help.

Encourage him to join something at school, whether it's Chess Club, Spanish Club, Science Club, whatever interests him. That can be an easy way to get to know the other kids at the school who share similar interests and for them to see what a great person he is.

Outside of school, also think about activities that might be a social boost for him. Even volunteering for a local charity can put him in contact with people of all ages and help him make new friends.

Remind him, too, that life doesn't end with high school. I found life began in college, where it's so much easier to make meaningful connections. If he's a smart guy, he's really going to thrive in college.

Awww this is tough!!!

I'm soooo sorry he's going through this.

Find out if the school district has things like Chess Class or another form of activity that he enjoys...our school district has fencing, chess, classical music as well as a rock music...where kids get together and learn about that particular interest...

Have him get involved in the Youth Group at church. Those should be teens who are like minded and have the same values!

The more or harder he tries, the harder it will be for him. I know - tough situation. If he's not into sports - basketball, baseball, etc. find out if he's willing to try it - this would get him involved with the other kids as well - but not "forced"....

I will assume that you have recently moved there since the HS is small and you didn't state that he has gone through school with all of them....which makes it harder to "fit in"...I'm sooo glad that he's kept his morals and values and not gone with the druggies just to have friends - that shows such good moral character!!!

At this age - he might try an after school job at the local movie theater - he might be surprised at who he meets. if he's in to classical music - is there a music store or even a small auditorium that is looking for musically inclined students????

Does he belong to a church? Maybe get him involved with youth ministries. If he has something he is good at maybe you can find an outside class that he can participate in. You might try looking at some college classes too, see if he qualifies. Talk to him earnestly, tell him you understand and ask him what ideas he might have to help. Maybe he has already thought of some but is hesitant to bring them up.

What does he do for activities outside of school? The best way to survive adolescence if you're not a typical teen is to find like-minded kids and the best way to do that is through activities. Does he like any sports or play an instrument? Are there community service clubs or things like the newspaper or a technology club that he can join? Are you part of a church and does the church have a youth group? Are there any things he can do outside of your town...perhaps take some classes at a local college? My husband was a loner in high school and it was partially because no one helped him navigate the things that are kind of obvious to others. It took him two years to figure out why the afternoon bus had way fewer students than the morning bus, and it was because everyone else was busy with sports and activities after school, which he had no idea how to join. Even in a small school there are bound to be other kind of awkward kids, they just need to find each other and buddy up and have faith that once HS is over, life gets much easier!

Find something with him that he likes to do. You mentioned he's christian, so maybe getting involved in a church group, work as a tutor or in you local library, boys and girls club etc.
If he is mature beyond his peers he could mentor younger kids or help others with homework.
If you live in a community with many elderly people he could help them out as well: run errands, help with house/yardwork. Find something that will make him feel responsible and needed.
Good luck!

He sounds a lot like our daughter.. She has always been way more mature than her peers. She also was a great student. But she is shy and can feel uncomfortable in social situations.

Her passion was art and she loves volunteering. She adores reading, movies and young kids are drawn to her.

She took art classes, then joined the art society at school. She volunteered in all sorts of situations. She would volunteer on nights that new parents and kids were coming to check out the school. (behind the scenes with the flyers, setting up etc.).

She helped with the school book sale at the elementary school and the middle school. She was great at helping the kids figure out books they might enjoy.

She volunteered at summer camps that the elementary school. They had 1 week camps for 3 weeks at the beginning of summer. She also got great babysitting opportunities through this.

Before school started, she was a volunteer that helped the office staff put together the back to school packets.

She was a person that just loved to help. Through these situations, she met new people. She found a little group that her same interest.

At one point she wanted to do something athletic, but she was always so busy with homework and volunteering, she could not really be on a team. So she decided to take up rowing. Like on a crew. This opened up even a totally different crowd of kids. He senior year she actually was on the team and won a gold medal in her first race! She traveled to a meet out of state and then helped run the event here in town. She was so excited,

The best part was when she got to college and found "her people" a campus full of people that WANTED to be there. Were smart and mature like her. She has blossomed so much.

Your son is doing a good job of not giving up, but when a school is that small, it can be hard to find kids not in groups. He can start looking for a way to volunteer in the things he is interested in. See if he can volunteer at church camp or Vacation Bible school. Maybe volunteer to help with a summer musical as set painter, selling tickets, usher.. whatever is needed.

If you know someone starting a business, see if they would like your son to help them set up the office space. There are so many opportunities. He should not give up,

Sounds like my niece who was top of her class but did not meet other kids that shared her interests until high school and college. It's so hard at that age. I think a music class, or church activities with others who share his interests and values will be the answer. Make every effort to get together with any new friends he may make at these activities. Are there any sports he's interested in? Or Laurie's suggestion about volunteering? Both tend to help with self-image.

I think the important thing to remind him is that he has a lot of years in front of him, and once he gets to college it all changes again. Most high school friends drift away from each other during/after college, so it is a great time to make new friends who have broader, shared interests.

In the meantime, can he join any extracurricular activities at school? My son's high school has art club, language clubs, math clubs, chess clubs, and on and on. Your son may be able to meet people with shared interests that way. While I get the not liking the Beiber Boy - encourage your son to begin learning about pop-culture. My parents helped us balance Mozart and Zeppelin when I was coming up and I am doing the same with my son. Increasing his knowledge about pop-culture will give him more things to talk to about other teens with. Also, talk to the guidance counselor at his school...he/she may have some other ideas about on campus activities that may work for him.

Other ideas - Youth groups at church, Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA, Big Brother/Big Sister, Police Youth Explorers, MENSA, youth leadership programs.

Have you tried volunteering? It is a great way to get out and meet people, experience new things, and help others. He could tutor younger students, visit the elderly, walk dogs at the local animal shelter.

Most importantly you must teach him that although he is smarter than his peers, he is not better than his peers. I have found that very smart teens tend to be more awkward than their peers simply because they do understand more and see the world differently. His peers may be uncomfortable with him because he is uber-intelligent and may feel intimidated by him...which makes it their problem, not his.

You need to bolster his self esteem. Being smart doesn't mean being confident.

If you think his depression is getting out of hand then please talk to his physician and consider medication. My son has taken Zoloft to counter depression problems caused by self esteem issues directly related to his father being an absent parent....it wasn't fun to admit that my boy needed more help than I could give him - but he sure is happier and once the depression lifted was able to see his emotional reactions more clearly.

Oh, and remind him to look up the "popular" kids in 20 years...many peak in high school and don't get farther than that. What is popular in high school is not popular in college, were intellect is more valued. And what is popular in college is not popular in your 40s.

Help him learn to be more adaptive, find interests outside of school, and know that this too shall pass.

Good Luck and God Bless

All three of my kids are kind of like this. They aren't your cookie-cutter kids who can fit in with the crowd. They think outside the box, like your son. I'm a single parent too, so I understand about the absent dad thing.
My oldest is 15, and very intelligent. I homeschool them, and it seems to have instilled a sense of worth in them. They haven't been constantly in with their peers, which tends to encourage comparisons. However, even in that situation I've encountered the same problems you express. It's hard to find good friends, especially as our kids grow older.
Feel free to contact me or visit my blog, which I write to encourage single parents from a Biblical perspective. You might consider home school; it does seem to minimize this type of problem. My kids are pretty confident, even though they march to a different drum beat. You can find my blog link on my profile. It is possible to homeschool as a single parent, especially with older kids who are mostly self-taught. I bet your son would love it!
God bless,
L.

Are you involved in a church? You say he's a good, "Christian" boy, so I would suggest finding a church with an active youth group. That may mean that he starts going to a different church than you go to or where you are currently going, and that's okay. Many of my best friends were at church instead of school when I was in middle and high school. I also met several of the guys I dated there. Look around your area and encourage him to check some of the groups out.

Also, what about non-school extracurricular activities? Does he play an instrument? Sometimes there are organizations and clubs for people with certain interests that take all ages or are just for teens. If he's almost 16, then he could get a job somewhere that may allow him to meet some new people too.

This final suggestion is somewhat extreme, but it worked for me. I had friends in middle and high school, but I often felt like your son about some things. I HATED my school and was getting nothing from it academically. At the time there were no early admissions programs to colleges or anything, but my mother realized how miserable I was, and we started looking at different schools, out of county schools where I could go and pay a small tuition, and college. At the time, all I had to do was make above a certain score on the SAT, and I was able to go to college. If he truly is mature and miserable and doesn't feel like he has any alternatives for making friends, you may want to look at that option. I left home and began my freshman year in college at 16, and it was a great move for me. I've known a number of other people who have done that as well since then.

Have you thought about Big Brothers? He might be able to find a mentor, he might be old enough to mentor a younger boy.
Is there anyone at school he talks to, a science lab partner for instance? He could invite them over for dinner and some hang out time. If these kids get to know him they might see him as a freind. Could he talk to a teacher and see if he could tutor a classmate who is struggling, this could build a friendship. If he gets involved in an activity, chess club, science club something that he can use his intellience but hang out with his peers. He might enjoy track rather than another sport and the running could teach him something about fittness he can use forever.
Mostly he needs to get involved work on the prom committee or homecoming, work backstage for plays. The more time he spends with these kids them more they will see him as a friend.
I totally understand where he is coming from, I had few friends in school. My dad didn't allow us to have friends and visitors weren't welcome at our home. We lived 3 miles from my elementry school and over 2 miles from my high school, on purpose. Tell him this too shall pass, once he gets into college he will have a chance to make friends from a larger community.

How about an after school job? Or a class at your local community college? Or a bowling league (unrelated to the school's bowling team). Or an archery or fencing class at a local club? Music lesson, guitar piano?

Does he play any on line video games, or Xbox? My boys are pretty solitary too, 18 and 16, but they have MANY electronic friends, tehehe.

Hang in there, college will be a COMPLETELY different experience for him!

:)

you just described my oldest to a tee. keep him very active in church the larger the church the better and more than one church would be a plus. mine has noticed he only gets along with the "nerds" like him computer gurus and such and gamers. he is now in hvac school and hvac are nerds to by what he tells me. he fits in great in that trade. he hates the trouble makers and wont associate with them he has no desire to. the kids where he grew up during teenage years were all gradeschool except for one who was a bully and he couldnt stand. i have no real advice except find out what he likes ex pokeman cards and find him a pokeman tournament. or find him a gaming competition. try boy scouts also.

Maybe one of those "loser kids" isn's such a loser. Maybe one of them is really a good kid with no supervision or parental guidance.
He doesn't have to save the child from drugs and alcohol but he can have a friendship with him, without getting into the druggie scene.
Have the child over to your house and serve some good food and soda. (the way to a kid's heart)
Some of the "druggies" could also be some of the most intelligent kids.
I am not condoning the activities that these kids may have, just there may be a friend in that group.

Get him to youth group.
Have him volunteer.
Swim team, not jocks, smart kids.
Chess team, Math team, Latin club
Engineering
How far are you to Carbondale? Is there something at SIU he can do or be part of?
Is he in the orchestra?
Drama club
After school job of some kids, pizza shop, video store, movie theater, ChickFilA or Hobby Loby. THe y are both closed on SUndays.

And I wish you lived closer. He sounds much like my daughter. THere are kids out there who listen to classical music, and play it. Who think AP Stats and AP Calculus are fun and turn their noses up to simple 5 paragraph essays.

If it is possible for you to homeschool him, then I think it would be a great idea. My brother's girlfriend decided to homeschool because she went through the same thing (she had a hard time connecting with other kids because she was a lot more mature than them). She was much happier for it. Homeschooled teenagers have a lot more freedom in what they learn and when, they can escape from the ridiculous social world that is high school, and they can be involved in activities that they choose to be involved with. If he was homeschooled, he could wake up at 7 or 8AM, be done with his work by noon or 1PM, and then he would be free to get a job, take classes in subjects he's interested in, volunteer, etc. And if you have a homeschooling group in your area, he could connect with other teens who are homeschooling as well. I know that quite a few homeschooled teens take college courses at the community colleges, have tons of activities they are involved with, and are much happier because they are away from the social atmosphere of "popular" vs "not popular" kids. Do some research and see if this is an option for you (and if your son would want to do it). Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Your son sounds wonderful! Another mom mentioned volunteering. I think that is a GREAT idea. He will stay busy and meet other kids/adults with his interests.

He needs to find and hang out with the band kids. My two are band kids and their iPods are full of classical music -- along with the other stuff. They are the most accepting group at school.
Have him join the band -- he can play triangle if he has to. Those kids are like a family. Once you join, you are automatically "in" the family.
He might to well to join a youth group or a volunteer organization. The best way to feel better about yourself is to help others.
Based on the season -- it's spring -- how about drama or theater? He can work back stage if he doesn't want to be on the stage. He's got to get out there and be with people. Just because someone doesn't ask a question back, doesn't mean they don't want to be friends... it just means that they don't know what to say. You need to be around people... If you work together, you find a common bond and something to talk about.
My kids are also on the swim team - highest GPA for a sport...
Theater - one is in the orchestra pit, the other is on the stage -- again, higher GPA type students...
Can he tutor students??
Can he volunteer in the library after school - be a page and put books away? He'll meet lots of people and help other kids research projects and stuff.
Good Luck.
LBC

I didn't read the other responses.....sorry.

Have you considered letting him GED & start college early? My son was soooo ready to leave school, felt so disconnected to the drama there....that he ended up bombing on his grades, starting skipping, & just pulled himself away from the whole school thing. But, I will say that he did have friends.... just not good ones! If we had considered GED, then he would have been a happier young man, I think....because he was so ready to move on.

Soooo, anyway, one of our neighbors works in the state/federally-run vocational rehab program. Her daughter was verbally/sexually assaulted by a group of young men at our H.S. At the age of 15, her daughter GED'd & began online college classes....ended up with a scholarship (her mom knows how/where to go!)....& is happily enjoying a cross-section of online & classroom-based courses. Using the online classes carried her over until she was old enough to drive herself to class....

Hope this helps.....

If there are any groups or clubs in your area that he could get involved with that match his interests, may be a good place to start. Is there a tutoring program at school where he could help other kids, sometimes when you have that one on one contact that you have when helping with learning connections can happen.

He sounds like a great kid. I also felt like I didn't fit in at school, and my aunts told me that I was more like an adult than a kid. I didn't fit in at church with the kids my age either. I finally was introduced to a girl who also was more mature for her age, she had cerebral palsey, but I was lucky, she had friends so we weren't made fun of when I was with her. We are still friends today 20 something years later.
How about some county or city activities? We get a mailing with local activities listed in it, like karate, or chess, or football, or softball, swimming... lots of different kids of activities. He can pick what sounds interesting to him, and then he and the other kids doing it will have something in common. They do it for a few weeks at a time and have time to make friends and you get to know the other parents and they are local enough you can drive back and forth to visit.
Hope this helps, nothing sadder than seeing your kids struggle.
L. D

Your son sounds like a great kid with very good morals. He would be a great influence for some of those kids that you call, "druggies". I have a set of twin cousins that were very anti-drug, alcohol, and smoking. These two boys ended up being a huge influence for many friends. People wanted to be like them. The thing is that they were very comfortable with who they were and are still like that to this day. Their parents were addicts and they didn't want to be like them. The thing that you should consider is that some of those so called "druggies" may not really want to do drugs, and it only takes one person that could change their life. If your son could embrace his strengths, he could be a wonderful influence for those kids that are struggling, but willing to embrace his friendship. I would also suggest getting your son involved in Harvesters (food pantry) and soup kitchens. This would allow him to be introduced to more teens that are like him and want to "do good" for people. Always tell your son that he is a very special person to have such wonderful strengths. Not a lot of teens have that much control. He could really help a lot of people. I wish you both the best!

I am not sure what advice you have received because I just don't have the time to read the responses. What I would say is help him find something he is passionate about. For my older daughter it was all things sports and debate for my older son it was as simple as bowling.

The thing with activities like this is they draw together like minded people. My son would talk to any age at the alley about bowling because they have a common interest. My daughter would talk to the fathers ad nauseam about the proper way to hurt a wayward forward. She was the keeper. :p Yes they both had friends their own age as well.

Good luck

Is there a gifted program at his school? Maybe he would fit in better with the more intellectual crowd. Or perhaps a youth group at church? Is there a chrstian club at his school?

Your son needs to learn to accept himself and be confident as who he is before he moves on much, even in college. I hope he can find someone, even one, that will befriend him. If he isn't asserting himself at church, school, with adults, etc. he needs to do this step first I think and not look AT himself but just accept who he is, talk to others, if they don't connect then move on until he finds someone to be like minded and a friend. Maybe he could be interested in some of their interests too, not ones he finds bad or not so good but just something they like too. I know it's hard to show interest in others and not get a response or question about yourself but he may have to keep trying. I would also try the suggestions you've gotten about homeschooling or early college. I know it used to be, maybe still is, that if you homeschooled your kids could go to the community college for part of high school and it counted as high school and college, some of the high schools did that too and let kids go there part day. He may not 'fit it' there due to age but other kids are doing this too. I also found that when I homeschooled our last kids from K on up they were so much more secure, confident and then when they went to school the bottom fell out due to peer pressure and they were then comparing themselves to 'everyone else'. Sad that our world is so unkind in high school. Very few are looking at others needs or how they can help. I hope you can find a good man to be in his life too, maybe through church or some person you know who will be able to help him through this time.

Something you might try is to speak with the principal, counselor, and/or teachers you feel you can trust to keep your confidence. They may be able to suggest some names to you and you could then ask your son to invite someone to join you in some excursion to visit something like the Science Center, or visit some of the 7 Wonders of Illinois, a sports event, or a campout, etc. You might be surprised to find that there are other kids your son's age that are waiting to be invited or feel included.

Much of what you describe is familiar to us. Our son experienced much of the same treatment throughout high school. He found some friends outside the school district, but looking back I do wish I had been more proactive. I know that in high school kids are ultra sensitive to parental micro-management. I am not suggesting micro-management. But, I let that fear hold me back from getting involved in positive ways. They were painful years for him and I do feel we could have done more to get him involved in things outside the school.

High School is now several years behind him and he still has few friends from the school he attended. But, he has found extraordinary friends from around the world. It seems most sad to me that there were so many who just could not see what a trustworthy and caring friend they would have found in our son.

Above all, pray for guidance, clear guidance and assistance to know what you can and should do and for him to be guided. Suggest that he pray about this and offer to pray with him. Sometimes we are religious and spiritual in our ideas and beliefs, but we don't actually use it and rely upon the power it offers us.

Keep in mind that there are many ways to be smart. Some of the most logically intelligent are not very socially intelligent. There are many kinds of intelligences. Very few of us are really sophisticated in most of them.