Background: My ex and I were never married, and we have had a contentious co-parenting relationship since I ended our "romantic" relationship 2 years ago. At that time, I had agreed to Joint Legal Conservatorship and 50/50 Possession of our child; however, for many reasons, this parenting plan has not worked out and my ex and I are currently engaged in a heated custody battle in order to modify this arrangement.
One year ago, my ex reignited a relationship with an old friend, who lived several thousand miles away, via Facebook. I was absolutely happy that he began this internet relationship, since he started to leave me alone after that-- no more chatter about trying to win me back :). During this time, my ex and his internet love interest skyped regularly and spent a few holidays together (he even took our child to visit her a few times).
However, recently this new internet girlfriend decided to uproot and move across several States to move in immediately with my ex. I was fine that she moved in with my ex immediately (though it seemed like a really hasty move). What bothers me, however, is that the new girlfriend also immediately wanted to be parentally involved in my child's life. My ex immediately put her on the approved school pick up list when she moved in, and I realized then that we needed to set some ground rules about her involvement in our child's life. I told my ex I was uncomfortable with her picking our child up right now, but that in a few months-- after I got to know her and it appeared that their relationship was stable-- I would be okay with it. I also asked that we agree that our new significant others shouldn't necessarily immediately play a parental role in our childs life until it was certain that the new relationship was more permanent.
My ex and his new girlfriend absolutely disagreed, and now the new girlfriend has become the main caregiver of my child during my ex's periods of possession. She picks our child up and drops our child off at school during my ex's days, and watches our child for several hours until my ex gets home from work. I'm frustrated, because I've set up after-school care through a great program at our child's school for every school day (and have to pay for every day), but my ex and his girlfriend refuse to take our child to that program. For some reason, my ex just wants his girlfriend to watch our child.
This month, the new girlfriend started volunteering regularly in our child's classroom (neither my ex nor his girlfriend gave me a heads up about that to gauge my opinion, either). Of course, I'm a little annoyed because I wish I could regularly volunteer as well-- but I work full time and am only able to volunteer occassionally. Yet, I'm mostly frustrated because I feel as though my ex's new girlfriend is moving too fast to foster a relationship with our child & isn't being respectful of my wishes.
So, my question is-- am I wrong for wanting to set groundrules for my ex's new girlfriend's role in our child's life? And, if not, what should the ground rules be? And, since my ex and his new girlfriend clearly do not agree, what should I do to fix this?
Thanks for any help!
Sue W., Christy Lee, and Marda have said everything I would say.
My husband and I have both learned how to use Non-Violent Communication. It's very effective, and can change situations that seem impossible. It takes a little practice, but it's so worthwhile. After awhile, some of the techniques and choices become almost automatic.
Wishing you well.
I really don't know what you can do. He as 50/50 physical custody and joint legal custody.
It seems to me that the biggest problem is your jealousy of the new gf. The fact that she gets to volunteer in the classroom while you have to work, etc. I don't see any problem with her picking the child up from school on your ex's days. They are HIS days; he gets to make the decisions. Personally I would be happy to have someone picking up my child so he/she didn't have to stay at an after school program. Also, you can't say that your ex's SO can't play a significant role in your child's life because they live in the same house. You certainly don't want her to ignore your child nor do you want her to sit back and let your child run wild bc she's trying NOT to be a significant factor in your child's life. It just doesn't work. If she's in the home, she HAS to play a significant role.
Sorry, but I just think you need to work on your feelings about this. They had a long distance relationship for a year before she moved in. Your daughter has been to her home before. They already have a relationship whether you're comfortable with it or not.
Of course you're not wrong to want to set ground rules. However, you can only set boundaries for ways in which your ex interacts with you since he has joint custody with you. His time with her is his time and you cannot demand that he spend that time in the way you prefer. You can discuss your concerns but you will only be able to influence him if you find a way to develop a better relationship with him. Your anger is working against you.
As to his girlfriend being involved with your daughter, I see that situation being as more positive than negative. Your daughter is being treated as a part of her dad's family. She is an integral part of his life which does include the girlfriend.
I wonder why the ex isn't paying for after school care on the days she's to be with him. Perhaps you'd feel less annoyance if it was his money he was "wasting." Of course, it would be difficult to set that up now. He'll say he's not using the daycare and thus shouldn't have to pay. Are you sure you can't go to a part time day care plan? It may be cheaper to pay the daily rate if they have one.
He's had this current relationship with his girlfriend for a year. Both he and his daughter had spent time together prior to her moving in. He knew her before reuniting with her a year ago. That is a stable relationship. I don't understand the thought that she's moving too fast. Your daughter has been forming a relation ship with her for months. She had a relationship with her before she moved in.
I urge you to do some soul searching about reasons, apart from your concern for your daughter, that are causing you to feel angry/annoyed. The tone of your post does seem to be expressing more jealousy than concern for your daughter. You didn't describe any way in which having the girl friend involved in your daughter's life has caused problems for your daughter.
You want your ex and his girlfriend to be respectful of your wishes. That is a two way street. Are you respectful of their wishes? It seems to me that the arrangements that they've made are reasonable and not detrimental to your daughter.
Perhaps it would help for you to know that you and the girlfriend are not in competition for your daughter's love. She knows you are her mother and will thrive having a relationship with all three of you. It is in the best interests of your daughter to be on good terms with her father and his girlfriend.
I suggest that you read Non-violent Communication. You can learn a way of talking with your ex and his girlfriend so that all of you are better able to understand each other and your needs and thus be able to get those needs met. They have a web site and a book. Here is a site which describes the philosophy behind it.
http://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/stories/nvc.nonviole...
As to the custody battle, have you considered mediation? I've found that talking together with a skilled communicator can iron out differences.
Well we know a lot about how you feel, how does your child feel? Since that is really what is most important here.
It's unfortunate that you and ex can't agree.
Do not ever forget who you are, you are MOM... your child will always know this.
I suggest that since this has been going on for awhile and if your child is healthy and happy with the relationship with the ex's lady friend, you probably just need to chill and count your blessings that your ex's g/f is actually someone that seems to care about your child... it could be a lot worse scenario, ya know?
edt
You might have a boyfriend some day that you trust with your child... it's the SAME thing.
As sad as it is she sounds lovely. I would think that her volunteering and being there for your child would be huge pluses in your eyes.
I was fortunate to have my ex's wife in my family. She was the best addition to it ever. She cared for my daughter and even made sure that my ex paid full child support and stayed working so he could pay it. She put up with a lot from him until she got him raised up to be a decent wonderful man. I don't know what would have happened to him if she hadn't been in his life. I am so appreciative of the role she played and still plays in my daughters life. I count her as a dear friend. I have even been invited, by her, to come and stay with them any time I want to visit the city and stay a few days without having to pay for a hotel. I have taken them up on that a couple of times for overnight.
A wonderful woman in your ex's life can be the best asset you ever get when your child is concerned. She does seem to be going full speed ahead and that is annoying for sure. You might ask ex to please ask her to take it slower but this woman is in this relationship for the long haul. She gave up her life to come here and is committed to him fully. She may be in your life for the next 50+ years too. It's better to have her as a friend who works with you to raise your child than to have her as an enemy that you couldn't find a way to accept and find the positives.
Good first question!
Question for you: Is your ex allowed to tell your significant other how to interact with your child, or do you think he should trust you to do the right thing when it comes to your parenting time?
Do you resent this woman because she's doing things with your child that you wish you could do?
Do you resent the fact that your child has another person in his life to love him and care for him?
Now, that said....I don't blame you for wanting to place some boundaries, but you need to figure out which boundaries are reasonable, and which are based upon resentment and jealousy.
Have you talked to her? Met her? Spent any amount of time with her? Perhaps you ought to take her to lunch and tell her your concerns in a thoughtful way. She might be more understanding than you think and willing to work with your needs for the best interest of your child.
Hope that helps.
C. Lee
I had a friend that had it written into their custody agreement that anytime dad was not with the child during his time, he had to first call mom and offer the time to her before leaving her with another caregivers or taking her to daycare. In their case it was more of an issue to.do with daycare and who was paying, ect, but this might work.in your case. You give up time with your child so she can see her dad, not some other woman. If he doesnt want his time, he can let you have more. As far as the school goes, I would address this with them and have her taken off the pickup list. I would go for sole legal custody with him having access to medical and other records, so you can head off problems like this in the future.
Yes, you sound jealous. Yes, I would feel the same as you.
I feel for you, because all situations like this are hard to navigate.
If I were you, I would do what I could to get to know the ex's new girlfriend. It's possible that she has the BEST of intentions concerning your child. Really, that's what you all want. What's best for your child. It's also possible that she's trying to impress your ex with how good she is with your child. She may be oblivious to the fact that she is overstepping her bounds.
Then, all 3 of you should get together and see if you can work it out--by focusing on what's best for your child. It's probably best that your child go to the after school program because that's stable. If she really wants what's best, then she'll agree. It's possible that your ex is not relaying the info to her, unless you are talking to her directly already.
As for volunteering in the classroom, I'm not sure that's okay in your situation. I mean, if she were a stepmom that was very involved from the get-go I can understand. Does she really like kids?
I always think woman-to-woman talks work best. I've had the best luck talking directly to my husband's ex, although I am very careful to defer to her (she is the child's mom) and her decision is final.
Is your child happy?
As a last resort, you may need to get a lawyer involved. But it's best if all parties can work things out on their own.
What a sticky situation! Best of luck to you!
I am wondering if this is really a ploy by your ex to get sole custody of your child and petition the court for you to pay him child support.
You need to have a tough lawyer on your side to help you with the ground rules. I doubt that you can say anything to him that will make him comply without a court order to back it up.
So sorry,
Dawn
As sad as it is you are not in control of this situation. Women do not want men, but then they do not want anyone else to have them either. As a teacher I see it all the time. They think they can get divorced or break it off with men and then still have everything stay the same. Men are going to bring new women into the picture usually within two weeks.
When you break it off you are no longer in control of what your child is exposed to. When it is their time they will do what they want and your child will be exposed to it. The only person you can control is yourself. If you do not want to rush into exposing your child to any new men you date then that is your choice.
Well, when a similar situation happened with my ex (husband), once I stopped wrangling with her they turned on each other and then split up.
I don't blame you for wanting boundaries - I'm just not sure how you will realistically set them (other than how she deals with YOU). It may come down to the specifics of whatever is decided legally.
That was a terrible time in my life because I was truly worried for my son and his physical safety, much less mental health. I blamed myself for the divorce (and that I had inadvertently teed up that situation). I lost about 20 pounds without even trying. I tried to stay focused on being the best parent I could be, and not putting our son in the middle. I would lay down my life for him, and at 18 I think he knows it. He's an amazing young man. He loves his dad, too, and I'm glad for that. But it was hair-raising there for a bit in those earlier years.
I would pray alot. Stay grounded mentally, physically, and spiritually. Find someone neutral whom you trust and whom you can talk to.
Hang in there Mom - always keep your child's best interests at the top of the list.
<<hugs>>
Unfortunately, I don't believe you have a choice in this unless you decide to go after full custody. Court will want to know if the child is adjusting and it's your word against theirs. Financially, it makes more sense than after care. Perhaps you could adjust your work schedule?
