Was I Too Harsh?

Good for you! My hubby travels Mon thru Fri. My kids are standing right in front of that door on Fri dressed nicely and a clean house waiting for Dad to come on in. He deserves it! He worked hard for us... the least we could do is be there for him when he gets home.

Nope. If it were me, I would have done the same thing. I would give them some paper and crayons to make, "I'm sorry Daddy" cards. They were rude to not acknowledge their Dad!

Yeah, too harsh. Is there more to this dynamic? Your husband's reaction was petulant and immature. If I were him, I would have run over and tickled them and teased them about not saying hi to me and would have smothered them with kisses and hugs, letting them know that I'm excited to see them.

There are any number of reasons that they didn't jump right up - maybe they have a lousy relationship with your husband, or maybe they have a great relationship and are really close and this is their way of dealing with his travel, or maybe they were engrossed in something on TV or what they were playing with, etc. And they're 4. But there's really no excuse for your husband's reaction and no need for them to be in their rooms for the rest of the afternoon.

Sorry but your Husband's reaction to them... is really childish.

Next: I hope the kids do not now, resent him. Because they are being punished for not being overjoyed when he came home.
And why is that?

"Respect" goes both ways.
It has to be toward the children too. By their Dad.
Or a kid won't respect the parent.

Dad's reaction was worse than theirs, in my opinion. I think that HE should apologize to them, and explain that he acted immaturely because his feelings were hurt. Good luck!

Yeah, too harsh. I agree with J.B. that your husband could have been more mature. In effect, you and Dad are trying to manipulate your children's feelings through guilt and punishment.

There's nothing to be gained by that except children who can be manipulated (eventually by their friends and spouses). It's fine to give consequences for bad behavior, but kids have a right to their feelings, which include a preference for whatever it is they are already doing. They shouldn't be required to manufacture an insincere response. (I don't think it's wise to require a child to say "I'm sorry" until they genuinely feel sorry, either.)

Kids are extremely immediate in their wants and needs. If I had an inkling of when my husband would arrive, I might have instigated a little welcome-home celebration. If I didn't know until he walked in, I would have gotten the first hug and kiss for myself, then given Daddy an opportunity to go sit down with each of the kids and tell them that he missed them and was delighted to see them again. The whole dynamic would have been so much happier for all of you.

It's not too late to have a small chat with your kids and apologize for overreacting. Tell them what YOUR immediate feelings were (disappointment, "sad for Dad," etc.). Then give them a chance to share their own reactions, which, for them, were perfectly legitimate. That's a great lesson by example, too. Your husband could do the same, if he's so inclined. I'll bet your family ends up having a happy evening.

What I find most disturbing is your husband's reaction.
My kids, 3 and 7, sometimes come running when one of us gets home, other times they hide, other times they just yell across the room. I understand that Dad had been away for a couple of days and your kids should have at least said hello but I don't think the situation called for any kind of punishment. Maybe just a conversation about feelings and respect.
If it were my husband he would have walked over and scooped up the kiddos and gave them hugs and kisses until they were giggling and pleading with him to stop.

You were not as much as your husband was! He acted like a child! Those kids are acting COMPLETELY normal for their age. They have been with mommy most of the time, they love mommy. They don't understand that what they said is hurtful. Your husband shouldn't have reacted that way and should have gone up to them and loved on them!

I wouldn't have sent them to their rooms- they are just too young to get it yet. They love him and weren't trying to be hurtful. I think your husband should apologize! They need to be told what is expected of them and WHY. Daddy needs to tell them it hurt his feelings instead of making some snide remark in return.

ETA: I couldn't agree more with Laurie that this was a TEACHING moment and not a PUNISHMENT moment. You punished them for behaving the exact way their father did. Does that make sense to do? I agree some redirection was in order, but not punishment, and not dad's comment for sure! You are doing a GREAT job mama - we all make "mistakes" (not even sure this constitutes a mistake), and good for you for asking for others' opinions! We can all put our heads together and do it even better! Tomorrow WILL be a better day =)

8 kids dad - Wow, as usual, you sorta missed the mark. These are 4 year olds, not adults talking about another woman's body. Where do you come up with this stuff?!

No, you weren't. Your husband sure was, though. He is the adult in the situation, he should have acted like one. Instead, he exhibited the behavior you punished your children for!! That's a pretty good mixed message.

Well it depends, why were they supposed to jump up and welcome daddy? Is it because daddy is pouting because no one welcomes him home, appreciates him, blah blah blah or is this the usual greeting and an unusual response.

I ask because that exact scenario played out in my house time and time again. My ex treated our kids as possessions and it didn't take very long for them to actually enjoy the time he was away. He felt he should be greeted with respect and admiration not because he was a good dad but because he earned money. The reason I asked was your husbands response, I didn't miss you either and flight.... It is a very Narcissistic response and actually quite immature.

This is of course my take on things based on an 18 year marriage to a Narcissistic sociopath so take it for what it is worth.

Reading some of the other answers I would like to point out normal. I finally have normal, ya know. My kids love Troy, probably more than their dad but I didn't say that. :-/ When Troy gets home from being out of town, which is usually a week, if they notice they are all over him like a cheap suit. If they don't notice when they finally do they are all over him like a cheap suit. Here is the thing though, he doesn't go all nuts because they didn't notice the minute he walked in the door. That is normal and that is why they are all over him like a cheap suit. I hope that makes sense. :)

I've had this exact situation happen before, frequently. The fact is that at this young age the kids don't automatically know the correct way to behave so they need loving guidance. It doesn't sound as if they were disrespectful, simply quietly in the middle of reading and were content. That doesn't mean they didn't miss their dad but they just didn't feel overwhelmed enough to get up running and shouting to fall into his arms and it's not disrespectful. Ignoring him was disrespectful, but not giving him the hoped for response was not.

What I would have said to the children (and have said to my own) is, "When someone comes into the house, no matter who it is, it's polite to stop what you're doing and say hello. It makes the person feel good." That should have been acceptable. What your husband did and said was unacceptable.

K., it's okay to foster respect, and I hope your husband understands that the way he acted was immature and manipulative. Your kids apologized, did he apologize in return?

MomofMany had a great point about how they may have been hurt that he left them. 4 is a hard age to process and explain even the shortest of abscences.

And the term "Road Warrior"? I hardly think so in this case. Two days is nothing and an adult can process emotions so much better than a child can. A 4 year old reacting in such a way should not be a "knife in the back". That is a huge burden to put on a child.

I hope your husband apologizes to your kids. I also hope you can put this day behind you and look forward. Not every day, every child or every parent is perfect and you are just doing your best!

I hear all the "Dad was wrong" comments. I've come home after a terrible week on the road and if My kids had done that to me I might have gotten careless with my comments too.

That's why they sometimes refer to the peole making a living away from home, "Road Warriors". You fight the good fight all week to come home to the TV being more important than you are? I feel his frustration and hurt feelings. Some times its more than a man (or woman) can bare. The kids comments were just salt in the wound and twisting the knife in the back.

THANK YOU, K., for supporting your Road Warrior husband ! ! ! !

My dad told me that when the front line combat soldiers came back from WWll, he and some friends took some dates to see "Machinegun Kelly" in the threatre. The first time Kelly shot his machine gun it was unexpected and was a big surprise. Every front line soldier dove for cover (the floor), some dragging their dates with them. No one was stupid enough to laugh or complain. The non-soldiers got a first hand vision of what the soldiers had gone through for the last 4 or more years.

The kids snubbed the road warrior that they should have welcomed back from the war.

Ladies, think of it this way. You and your husband are out on a date. You walk by some women dressed to the hilt and showing way too much. As they walk by, you see your husband turn to look and make a comment about everything being in the right place and jiggling/moving just perfectly. How would you feel? That's the way the dad felt when his kids said what they said and ignored him. Its all in the point of view.

Good luck to you and yours.

Not at all. Thank you for being a good parent and teaching your child respect.

Gosh hard to decide because we do not know how your children and their dad usually act around each other.

If they are super involved with him and he is very loving on them showing lots of interaction and emotion, I would be surprised that they did this.

But if he is a working dad who comes home changes clothes and goes outside or plops in front of the TV, I can see they are just as excited to see him as he is to see them..

I do wish he had not reacted the way he reacted.. Telling then he did not miss them is mean. He is the adult and could have said, "gosh I missed all of you so much, I think my feelings are a little hurt.." Or "gosh, I was really looking forward to some hugs and kisses."

This was a teaching moment on his part and your part to teach them how to act, not just punish them for "doing it wrong." This is an empathy moment. If husband had not said what he did at dinner you all could have talked about "How would you feel if I was not excited to see you?"

You shouldn't yell and send them to their room b/c they didn't say anything, that won't help the situation. Feelings shouldn't be expected and shouldn't be enforced through guilt and punishment. Their dad should've reacted better. From your sons reaction I wonder if they have resentment towards him for something. It is disappointing the way they reacted, but expecting them to react the way you want is more controlling than a reasonable expectation. Dragging them over to him wouldn't have helped either. I think you were too harsh. If they don't cry at a funeral, will they be yelled at? If they don't hug grandma will they be yelled at? If they don't laugh at a joke, will they be yelled at? I hope you can see my point of view, you can't control their reactions or their emotions and punishing them for it is unfair and too controlling. Them going to their rooms did nothing but probably built up some resentment towards you and dad, who you were trying to have them be excited to in the first place, it was just counter productive. No offense, but I feel bad for the kids... sitting in their room until dinner just because they didn't say hi to their dad (I understand it's not cool to not say hi but punishing doesn't fit the crime) and on top of it their dad saying he didn't miss them just to hit below the belt. No wonder your son just said I love you mom, is that guilt thing a first time for dad or does this happen quite a bit?

I totally agree with JB and her reaction (running over and tickling them for not saying hi). Being hurt doesn't excuse bad behavior on his part, he is an adult. They are 4 years old, that is an unrealistic expectation and even at an older age their emotions/hellos shouldn't be controlled.

So what happened:
If he was excited the day before, could you have hyped him up to the kids during the day? Talk to him on the phone? My 2 yr old talks to me on the phone if I'm away and she wants to hear me :) I think reading books is worse than TV, I can watch tv and pay attention but if I'm reading a book I'm in another world. I definitely think teaching respect is important but yelling/punishing for not saying hi isn't teaching respect, that's handing out disrespect to get respect. I believe I brake for tantrums has a whole sections about greeting people and not pushing/punishing it but encouraging it... from my own childhood my parents yelling/punishing wouldn't have made me say hi to my dad when he came back from deployment. Respect is important, but I think a lot of people aren't seeing the line b/w healthy ways of teaching respect and just punishing/yelling. I think your sentence of he is always hurt when they treat him like that implies they need more quality time together. I can say I was one of those kids who didn't care when my dad deployed... he didn't spend time with me. I loved him to death, but wasn't all excited when he came home.

No, you weren't wrong to discuss this with your children. I love it that you are trying to foster a love and appreciation of Daddy. I don't know about sending them to their rooms though. I might have "encouraged" them to go make pictures/cards, etc for Daddy letting him know how much they love him. And, I would coach them on showing him exuberant love when he came back in the door from mowing. It is possible that they were somewhat upset with him for being gone (is this normal for them?). My dad was in the AF. I remember one time when I was little that I was so hurt that he had left for a trip that when he came home I totally ignored him. It was purposeful because I was hurt that he left me. Perhaps your husband can just go scoop them up, tickle them, kiss them, love on them, so that they know Daddy wasn't deserting them, and still loves them dearly. If they were watching TV or something like that, turn it off for now while they renew their love for Daddy. It's so hard, isn't it?

I don't think you were harsh, but you and your hubby should take the cue that it's time to work on your family dynamic. First of all, reactions like his aren't going to make anything better and can be rather hurtful to 4 1/2 year-old psyches. Secondly, your children should understand that Daddy is away all day working to provide for them and by welcoming him home they are expressing their appreciation for him as a father and provider. Fancy language here, but you can make it very simple for them. Take them to visit him at work some day. Pack lunch and have him show them what he does (if possible.) Right now, it's a very abstract concept. Daddy is Working, and it is getting to be time for them to start learning about what goes on in the world when they're not looking. Third, children need a lot of help learning social cues sometimes. You could help out by making announcements that "Daddy is on his way home! What would you like to do when he gets home?" "What a pretty picture! Make sure to show that to Daddy when he gets home." Antici.....pation. Works wonders.

I think as long as you have all learned a lesson and take steps to remedy the dynamic, today's events could be very valuable.

To go to their rooms until dinner is extremely harsh. Reprimanding them is fine. My husband travels a lot, gone for week or so at least once a month. Sometimes the kids run and shout and hug him immediately, sometimes they are too interested in what they are doing to really notice or care. Teaching them good manners and to appreciate people is good, but being sent to their room for so long isn't going to teach them anything about that. I would have asked them to come welcome daddy right away. If they don't they can go in time out for a few minutes to think about why it's rude to ignore a person while their dad brings in his suitcases. Then, their dad usually goes up to them and talks about how much he missed them and resets everything and they visit for a while, rough house, give lots of hugs. I think your husband way overreacted in ignoring them back and walking out to mow the lawn instead of showing interest in his kids. He is supposed to be setting the example and precedent here.

You were not too harsh IMO. I know one can not force someone to feel an emotion (excitement ect) but one can still be considerate of the feelings of others. They were rude and they hurt their dad's feelings, they should be punished for that.

I don't think you OR your hubby was wrong!! Hopefully the children learned a valuable lesson from thier disrespectful actions, even if they are 4.5!

Keep up the good work. Hopefully you gave your hubby an extra big hug to let him know you missed him!! Hopefully you had the kids tell him they are sorry and also give him a big hug... better late than never!

No, you weren't too harsh! I probably would have dragged them over to him, removed whatever they were focused on, and made them focus on him and say hi. You definitely weren't too harsh!

No, sounds completely appropriate. I'd also follow up with them, maybe a family meeting, about how people who love each other behave when someone returns home or when they are asked a question, etc. And what the consequences will be if it happens again. Plus, if you didn't take action, or allow that to continue in the future, it will affect their dad's relationship with them. And it will happen to you and other loved ones as well - that they can just ignore you if they are otherwise occupied. I can be a natural softie myself, but I really think sometimes as parents we have to be the "bad guys" or our kids will grow up to be really insensitive and self centered people. Sounds like this was a perfect opportunity to teach them proper manners and respect, and how they must disengage themselves from TV or whatever they are playing in these circumstances, to do the right thing. I'd have them go to their dad without you, apologize and tell him they love him and missed him. And I don't think going to their room was too harsh, I think it probably got their attention! I don't know how long it was until dinner, but maybe just a half hour would be sufficient.

Some have said your DH acted inappropriately. However, put yourself in his shoes, it sounds to me that he was very hurt and said what he thought. It might be nice if he apologized too. Nobody has to be a perfect person, but the whole family learning to apologize and show their love after hurting others feelings is a good thing.