Should I Stand by My Husband's Decision?

I would talk to him, thats a very harsh decision to make in the heat of the moment. No she should never throw anything at him no matter what the situation is and even tho he was teasing her does not give her the right to justify throwing something at her DAD. Maybe he will cool down and change his mind. I know from a girls point of view, this is something very special to them and they look forward to a quincenera. He might regret making this decision in the heat of the moment and now feels like he cannot go back on his word. Good luck.

I also agree with Lisa. Your husband needs to apologize to her and keep his cruel comments to himself.
I remember being 15 and if my dad would have made a comment like that it would have broken my heart, even more so if something as a special as my quinceanera party was cancelled.

Good for you for having doubts and searching for a better answer, sometimes we do have to step up to people we love, even though it sucks. your hubby is in the wrong here, your daughter acted like a grown up when she apologized, now hubby needs to act as a grown up too.

Good luck and I really hope your daughter gets to have her party.

Your dh may have not meant to allow it to go as far as it did, but he took a stand and I feel he would think once he makes a stand he needs to keep it.. A child will also learn from our mistakes and when we are adults enought to say I'm sorry and I made a mistake too.
Therefore I think you need to talk with your dh and let him see he needs to allow her to have this special day like he has promise it sounds like for a long period of time. If he breaks this promise for her to have it, it will be a block against both of them for yrs to come.
She did right by telling her dad that she is sorry, but even GOD forgives us.. And no one is above GOD, therefore If GOD can forgive us why can't he forgive his daugter.
Remind him that he did things wrong to his parents at one time or ther other, as we all have. Didn't his parents ever fogive him? if not then here where the problem lies, he doesn't know how to forgive and this is a great time to learn.

Think both of them need to open up with one another lay thier feelings out on the line and then make up and move on with plans.

Sitting this up without your dh ok, is going to create a bigger problem... and will show her that you can go against him and it shows her that if this happens once it could happen again.
so sweety you are in a tought place.

I wish you the best and that your dh will see and allow her to have this special day.

Paula,

Yes...what she did was very disrespectful, and she needs to be taught a lesson. However, your husband instigated it and if he treats her like a sister, she will think it is ok to react to him like she would if he were a brother. If she had done that without provocation, I would say no way she gets a party. This time, I would explain to him his actions and that she reacted that way bc of the way he treats her (like a sister) and that parents can not behave that way. There is a time to be a friend and a time to be a parent and he is crossing that line a bit. All three of you should sit down to discuss this openly. He also needs to understand that at her age, the boy issue is a big one and not something most teenagers take lightly.
At the same time, she needs to be given a different punishment than the party itself. Whatever she likes to do...phone, tv, mall, video games, whatever...take it away and explain that it is unacceptable to take out frustration in that way and there are consequences. Explain to your husband that it would be like her saying her daddy was getting fat or making fun of him going bald or whatever little thing some men get mad at. If he realizes where she is coming from, then maybe he'll change a bit. Hope that helps!

i also think that he has taken it too far. no girl likes to be teased at this age!! i do not think that her actions should go unpunished however not having the quince may be a harsh punishment...maybe you & the dad can come up with a different punishment & still have the quince to show her that the dad is sorry for teasing so much.

I would say yes. True enough he should not have teased her because girls are really sensitive about boys and how they look. But that does not excuse your daughter actions. She has to be able to control her anger, and the way she handled the situation was not appropriate. I would say this is a life lesson learned by your daughter. You also have to think about your other children because they saw how she reacted. They may feel like that behavior is acceptable if she is not punished. I would continue try to talk with your husband about the way he teases her. She is at a vulnerable stage in her life, and you want to leave the door open whenever she may want to talk about something of that nature. If she feels she will be ridiculed by your husband, then she is likely to seek advice from her friends. And no parents want that. As parents we should be able to supply our children with the truth.

If you are Christian, encourage him and your daughter to read scripture to each other and appologize to each other.
Dad should read the scripture about how fathers should not provoke their children to anger and your daughter should read the sixth commandment about honoring your father and mother.
It could be a very healing process if done correctly!

I agree that your husband went too far with the "teasing". BUT, that does NOT give your daughter the right to act that way. She is still the CHILD and should treat her parents with respect, even if they are annoying her. As a matter of fact, I don't think it is acceptable for anyone, adult or child, to behave that way. She should be punished for her actions. With that said, I don't know if canceling her quinceanera is the right thing to do. I understand your husband's point of view about following through...that's why we shouldn't make harsh decisions when we are upset (though I know we all do it from time to time!). I think your daughter is old enough to understand if you sit down with her together and tell her that while it was wrong of her to act that way, it was also wrong of her father to jump to such a big decision in anger. Everyone makes mistakes, even parents, and that the two of you have decided to go ahead with the quinceanera. This will only work if you and your husband are on the same page and both agree to this. And, you also need to make sure she understands it is not because you are backing down...you are just admitting a mistake and correcting it. IMO, she should still have some sort of punishment for her actions. Depending on the ages of your other children, you might also let them know why you are going ahead with the quinceanera, so they don't think you are backing down on a punishment. Something like, Daddy and I realized we were a little harsh with the punishment, and that it wasn't a fair consequence for the action, so we are giving Susie a different punishment that fits the crime and going forward with the quinceanera.

Good luck! I hope it all works out for you!

Wow, Paula, what a dilemma.

My son was an escort in a quince that he didn't particularly want to do - mainly because of all of the rehearsals. Maybe partly the problem with her escort. Boys usually could care less about the pomp and circumstance. Awkward teenage years at their best.

As far as the dad goes, hmmm. He agreed to the quince and shouldn't reneg. He told her she couldn't have it and now he doesn't want to go back on his word - I'm seeing two things. He probably didn't want to have one in the first place so this is an easy out or his pride may be in the way of having to apologize for over-reacting to her outburst.

I'm not taking sides, but planning and preparations are already in place and it would seem to be a shame to quit mid-stream. She may resent her father for renegging (my daughter still resents us not buying her a convertible when we promised, but when the time came carjackings were way up). On the other hand she needs to realize there are consiquences for undesirable behaviour. And somewhere in the mix, teenage hormones are probably on the rise.

Perhaps (though probably not your culture), a compromise could be made and have a Sweet 16 party.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I felt I needed to respond. I can relate somewhat when a mom is torn between the husband and child. Ultimately, if I absolutely HAD TO, I guess I would side with the husband so as not to devalue his place as head of the family.

Best of luck and hopefully someone gave you better information than I did.

It was absolutely wrong for your daughter to blow up like she did. She should be punished and her apology is definitely the right move on the road to making up for her behavior. Your husband was wrong to make the decision to cancel her quince in the heat of the moment like that as well. If he really thinks that's an appropriate punishment, he needs to revisit it with your daughter in a rational way after all the dust settles and everyone is calm.

My husband is a big "kidder" and it's extremely frustrating for the kids when he just will not stop. I try and try to make him see how upsetting it is, but he thinks it's so funny. It must be a "guy" thing or something. Believe me, when I give him a taste of his own medicine and kid him incessantly about something, he definitely doesn't like it, but he doesn't think it's the same as what he's doing to our kids. The good thing about my husband is when something like this happens at our house where the kids have just had enough and do or say something they regret, and my husband follows by punishing them harshly in the heat of the moment, he will usually go back and apologize and modify whatever punishment he gave them for their actions to something more appropriate. By doing that, I think he's teaching them humility.

I've yet to be able to get him to stop teasing, but I think he's started to lighten up a little bit now that our oldest has left and our 8 year old is ultrasensitive. She cries at the drop of the hat so he can't be as incessant with her as he was with our older son. :-)

We all make mistakes and say or do things we don't mean when we're mad. We have to be strong enough to swallow our pride and make up for those mistakes. Your husband would be a much better father if he would see this as an opportunity to teach his kids that when you make a mistake, like losing your temper and saying something you shouldn't, it's very important to apologize and make it right, no matter how humbling it may be.

If he still thinks the appropriate punishment for her actions is no quince, then he should stick with that, but if he just did that to hurt her and it really doesn't fit the "crime", you both need to figure out what would be more appropriate and make sure your kids realize this is what happens when you lose your temper and say things you shouldn't when you're out of control.

Good luck!

Oh my! You are in a very tight spot. Putting myself in your husbands shoes, I definitely would not let her have it, if that had been done to me. But on the other hand as a mother and an older version of a young girl LOL, I feel her place too. I don't like it though that your husband was teasing her but my whole family and my husbands family all tease each other. If I were you I would sit down with my husband without my daughter knowing it and have a very serious talk with him about it, because these teenage years right now write the beginning of her own personality that will later reflect on her adult life and how she views her parents. If he doesn't budge then maybe you can just cut it down to a small party. Because she has to understand that she should never disrespect her father like that. I am 27 and my father was never there so I never really had respect for him but I don't think even back then I would have reacted like that, but I don't know your daughter and I don't want to judge her. But I would stand behind my husband, but let him know that she will never be able to get this moment back, there is no redo of her 15 birthday. I hope I helped. If you ever need to talk just PM me. Let me know how it turns out. My kids are younger than 14 and I know I will have to go through things and maybe you could help me through a future incident, cause my oldest is a little Drama Queen. Lol

Just had to add my 2 cents...Lindsay said it beautifully.

Your husband is an adult, your daughter is a teenager. Both were wrong, but he started it and he egged it on over a long period of time. She ignored him for quite a while, based on what you wrote. She was adult enough to apologize. He is not acting like an adult when he does not apologize.

He need to apologize and she needs to have her quincenera.

He should know better!!!

I see my husband periodically do this with my two boys. Then he gets upset when they react. I stop him and tell him to quit egging them on as it is happening. Maybe you should step in and stop him too?!?!?!

Have him apologize and get on with the Quincenera and life. Life is too short with your kids to let this kind of thing stand in the way of something so important culturally and age wise to your daughter and family.

What a difficult situation! I don't even have a teenage daughter yet, however can definitely see your daughters side. Kids get enough ridiculing these days without having to take it from their fathers too. I personally think he took this a bit too far...these are very sensitive and emotional years for her. Sounds to me like you dear husband needs to step up to the plate, be a man & a good father and appologize first, however she owes him one as well. Once they smooth things over then talk about the quinceanera....if she really wants one.

Good Luck Girl!

Paula,
I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching but hopefully I can bring something to light....in the Bible, it says "Father do not provoke your children...". It says that because God knew that Fathers could easily take advantage of their authority position and treat their children like this....it's not a loving way to treat your children. Your daughter needs unconditional love & support from your husband especially now---or, she will go and TRY to achieve this with some boy. All the girls that I knew in college that were promiscuous, all had major father issues. Hopefully, you feel comfortable in talking LOVINGLY to your husband about this. If you attend a church, go and talk to one of your pastors and ask their advice.

Your husband was behaving like a child and he gets upset when his child reacts to the bullying and teasing he was doing? He is being way too harsh and no way would that fly in my house. She'd have her party regardless if my husband wanted it or not. He rules the roost? Well I rule the rooster.

Kudoes to Lisa's advice. How can he expect his daughter to treat him with respect when he doesn't treat her with respect? He has a lot to learn. He will reap what he sows in his relationship with his daughter. Of course you should defend her position. If he continues to be unforgiving, when she has shown adult actions by apologizing, then let it be. But continue to be supportive of your daughter's feelings.