Volunteering Nightmare - How to Bow Out Gracefully

To whomever coordinates the volunteers - "In past years I've volunteered in various roles. For this upcoming school year I would like to request all my volunteering time be spent in the cafeteria, since I enjoy that area the most."

"I have to work at my paying job at the time you need me to help, so sorry but I won't be able to help with that".

"I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that. It's not something I will be able to help you with".

"I am very sorry but is there another volunteer able to help with that? I have a job outside of my volunteer work. I have to leave now. Again, I am sorry but no, I can't do that".

My guess is, this is not the first time she has ticked off a volunteer. If she is complaining to you about her general workload, she's being unprofessional and crossing a boundary between staff and volunteer. If the book fair is an added responsibility that she shouldn't have had to handle, that's one thing - but it's not your thing. She should have said "no" or she should have recruited additional volunteers. So, if you still need to get stuff done for the book fair, I'd try to recruit an additional person or two to attend to the details. You could go to the parent organization, the front office or even the principal and ask if there are additional parents or other community members (is there a high school club that does community work?) who are looking for volunteer hours, and say that the book fair has morphed into a massive undertaking with the librarian unable to do anywhere near what you had expected and now you are over-committed. This isn't to get her in trouble, but just to say you have to get this project done and more bodies are needed.

I would then look for another volunteer area for next year. I don't think you have to explain yourself, but you can certainly say:
"This year's book fair was way too many hours, and I have paralegal and parental responsibilities that demand my attention. I'm sure you'll find someone else."
"I'm looking to expand my skills by working in a new area. I think it's good for people to move around and diversify."
"I think someone else with more time would be better suited to the library."

If pressed, the answer is a simple, "Sorry, I've made my decision. Good luck next year!" Big smile, cheery wave, and off you go.

There is no way this should be awkward for your kids. If it is, you've got a huge unprofessional problem on your hands, and you report it. But it should work just fine for you to enthusiastically move on to another area.

I'm not sure about working right in your child's own classrooms. Our schools are careful about that - it's not always a good idea for a variety of reasons (confidentiality, crossing boundaries, child doesn't know whom to focus on, and more). So find something else that intrigues you, and volunteer for LESS than you think you can manage. There will always be something special that comes up (end of year field day, special reception for parents, 2nd grade play...) where you can kick in a few extra hours if you really find you have time on your hands.

Then work on a few handy phrases that help you say "no" to tasks that should be done by a staffer or when the conversation gets into an area where you feel you shouldn't be hearing some of the stuff that a staff member is saying.

Offer to do a specific job (or jobs) rather than an open ended offer to help. Set your own limits right up front.

Tell her you would love to help but you have taken on more responsibilities else where and you can't commit to helping in the library at all or more than X hours a month.

Tell her you have more work at your paying job and can't volunteer as much as you did in the past.
She's not treating you like a volunteer.
She's treating you like an indentured servant.

So sorry that this is happening to you...I would just let her know that your schedule at work has changed or is changing and you will not be able to help in the library next year.
And you can still help out during lunch every so often
Don't worry about being blackballed

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I also volunteered in our elementary school library for four years. (But book fairs were not handled by those of us who were the regular year-long volunteers unless we wanted to volunteer to work them--and the librarian did the organizing herself.)

I am wondering -- why are you walking on eggshells and so concerned about being delicate? Do you think you and your kids will be punished somehow if you don't volunteer for the library next year? Is there some culture of this kind of thing in your school, where a parent who doesn't volunteer at some supposed level of involvement is treated differently by someone? Teachers, the librarian, the PTA? Or do you think the librarian will be rude with your kids next year if you don't volunteer?

I'm asking this in all seriousness. If your school has instances of teacher or other staffers or the PTA holding it against a parent who stops volunteering, then there is a far, far larger problem in the school than one librarian or one book fair. I hope that's not the case in your school.

If, instead, there is not any real culture of cold-shouldering parents who stop volunteering, and the issue is just that you are by nature a "people pleaser" and tend to worry about offending or upsetting people -- then can you see that in yourself and maybe just push it aside here? Simply say, "It's been great to be involved over these past four years but next year my work and family obligations mean I can't volunteer in this capacity/this many hours any more. Thanks for letting me participate in Child's library for so long."

That should be enough. You put in four YEARS of volunteering which is vastly more than most parents ever do, so why worry about awkwardness as long as you end the volunteering clearly and without leaving things hanging?

That is key -- would it leave things hanging if you quit now? Has the book fair taken place yet? I think it has, from the post, but it's absolutely clear to me, though it sounds as if you're maybe referring to whether to volunteer next fall--? If the fair hasn't happened yet, I'd stick with it so as not to leave the kids in the lurch; but if the book fair is already over now, go ahead and say that this week is your last as a volunteer. I would not just vanish; do be sure to speak to the librarian and/or anyone else who coordinates your volunteering there, and say clearly that you'll be available until date X and then you have to stop, and you won't be volunteering in the library next year.

Another question: You've worked with the librarian for four years. Is this the first time in all those years that she's been snippy or seemed to push things onto you? I would let four years of good relations take precedence over just one book fair that has gone badly. And if she usually addresses you respectfully and this snippiness is something out of the ordinary, I would be more concerned that maybe she's having problems you don't know about and that have nothing to do with you. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt if this behavior is unusual. I'm not saying to go back volunteering there, with her, but at least cut her some slack if she's been fine for four years and suddenly seems stressed. And she does sound stressed; the complaints about her own workload point to that.

Did you have any other parents to help? If this book fair is over, that ship has sailed, but our library had more than one parent volunteer and in this case one doing the fair would have said, I need to contact other parents, delegate and set up a roster of who's going to do what. Maybe that's a moot point in your situation by now. But if you do other volunteering be sure that there are other parents you can call on if this happens again.

I hope you won't stop all volunteering. Just do something else that requires fewer hours so you can say in all honesty, if asked, "I needed a change after four years in the library, and also I needed to do fewer hours this year, so I'm doing this instead."

The librarian sucks!!! Shame on her! Stop volunteering in the library and volunteer elsewhere in the school. You will NOT get black balled! That sounds absurd. But if you do, go straight to the superintendent of your school district. Make a face-to-face meeting with him/her.

I am pretty active at my children's school. It is a mixed bag. For the most part, it's a wonderful experience and I'm happy to do it. However, it can at times suck the life out of you if you don't put up boundaries on what you will do.

The teachers are most grateful for any help they can get. There are times though that it becomes expected and even entitled. Sometimes they forget that this is not your job and you are not being paid for your services like they are.

My advice is to simply figure out what you are willing to do. For instance, I'm not taking off work to go wash tables, but I will do so to help with science fair. Beyond that, just smile sweetly and tell them that while you'd love to do whatever they are asking, your paid job is demanding more of your time and you simply cannot. I would still volunteer, just not in the same capacity with the book fair.

"I'm sorry. I just can't do it this year." She doesn't have to know why. Neither does the rest of the staff.

In my grandchildren's school the book fair is run totally with volunteers. The PTA sponsors it and gives all the proceeds to the library. I don't know how that fits in with your situation. Could she be upset that she has to do this and takes it out on you? The reason she pushes you may have very little to do with you. Still, I wouldn't be willing to be involved again.

Is it possible, she will consider that last book fair didn't work for you or her? She may not ask you again..if she does, "I'm sorry. I really can't do it this year." I doubt that anyone is going to respect you and your kids less.

Hi There, it sounds like you may be dealing with someone who is both overwhelmed and selfish. If I were overworked (which I am) and someone...anyone offered to help me, I sure as heck would not be going out of my way to alienate them. Maybe the librarian got a little too comfortable with you and thought she could get away with it. Perhaps there is a reason others did not step up to help out with the book fair. Not your fault. Maybe you can just tell her that you're cutting back on your volunteer hours next year and hope for the best.

If she asks you, just tell her, "I can't this year."

You know there are many, MANY parents who don't volunteer at all. Do you think they all get the cold shoulder and get "black balled?" No, they don't, because they are never around in the first place.
As someone who volunteered a lot at all my kids' schools over the years (including middle and high school) I can tell you that if teachers and staff treated me the way you are describing I wouldn't volunteer there anymore. It sounds completely immature and unprofessional.
And yes, I have a child with an IEP so I get that, but still, I would keep that completely separate from my willingness to volunteer in an environment like the one you are describing.
And like Fuzzy said, if she asks just say "I can't this year" it really is that easy.

I think what the others have said is good. At my kid's school it's a committee of people that volunteer to put on the book fair. Everything is delegated to about 7 people so no one has that much of a workload. Besides telling her you only have X hours a week to volunteer I think that you both should work with the PTA to get more people. The PTA should be able to get together a committee of people. At the same time you can let everyone know you need to back out because your other commitments mean you have less time to put into this...OR having more people might mean it is no big deal to keep helping and it might be easy for you to keep putting a little time into this.

I'd meet with her, go over what's left to be done, say you'd be comfortable handling this, this and this ... and say I have x amount of hours so this works for me.

You're helping her out.

Don't make yourself unavailable because that just makes you look bad - and you're the one volunteering your time.

Good luck :)

ETA: Re-read your question. Sorry - I thought you were in the middle of this problem (still had to put book fair on). Brain fart.

Not sure how I missed that - but if this is about next year, you just say at the time you aren't able to. Just say you have other commitments.

If what you write it true (it sound like it is), you will not get blackballed. If anything, this librarian will need to rethink how she treats people, especially volunteers.

There is nothing wrong with saying you want to volunteer in a different capacity next year. I would guess you will still be contacted for help from the new book fair parent volunteer as if you are the authority since the paid librarian may give your name out as the person who knows what to do.

I am not sure what grade your kids are in, but you may want to do something that actually benefits them directly. You have helped the whole school, that now you may want to volunteer in the classroom (assuming your kids still have parent volunteers).

Reading this question just makes me glad I don't volunteer at school. I see this a lot at my elementary school I'm barely there! My friend volunteered at her kids school, the same happened to her. She just stopped. What I do to contribute to all kids education is putting up good cash for whatever's fundraising is going on. I hope you figure this out.