Visitation When the Child Is No Longer a Minor?

Usually child visitation is done when the child is no longer a child. When the adult comes to visit it should be by their choice to spend time with their family.

When an adult person comes home to visit a parent once they are an adult it is pretty much when ever they want to come visit. There's no set time or day of the week unless the family is one that has a typical weekly family dinner....you know, like every Sunday at grandma's house is family dinner, everyone is expected to be there.

So if he comes over he can pretty much do what he'd normally do when he came over and lived there. He's coming home to visit for the day, weekend, spring break, etc....it's an adult offspring coming home to visit.

Visitation doesn't apply to adults. He can come and go as he pleases.

At 20 years old, he's past the age of child visitation. He is an adult, so this visitation is just habitual, not mandatory. Sounds like his visits to dad were more of an obligation than him wanting to spend time with dad.

I'm assuming the 20 year old is in college or working? I'm wondering how someone that age has every other weekend to spend at dad's, and why he's not at work or with friends or a girlfriend/boyfriend during that time? Now, at 20 years old, if he's working or a college student, if he spends his time at his mother's or his own apartment on the weekends watching tv and playing video games, that's a reasonable thing for a young adult to do during the time they're not at work or class.

At his age, perhaps he has simply outgrown these formerly mandatory visits. He should live where he lives, and if he wants to spend time with dad, they should make plans to go to a sporting event or out to dinner, or invite him over for dinner, which means that he is a guest at the table eating, not parked in front of a video game console. He is an adult now. It is time to transition to an adult relationship. I don't think that he should spend every other weekend at your house playing video games and watching tv, and not interacting with the family, out of habit. Would he still be doing that at 25? 30?

Even before our divorce we never expected the kids to come home and engage with us. It is their home, they live there. They were always expected to keep their rooms clean, clear their plates, pick up after themselves but beyond that it is their home.

Sure if they are home for meals they eat meals with whoever is there as we have always done.

They come home and live.

Does he continue to come over because he has no where else to go on the weekends?
Two of my kids are home from college now and spending a lot of time with friends, and in their rooms. They're mostly just around for dinner, and they don't really have any "chores" other than cleaning up their own messes of course, and doing their own laundry. Of course when I need help they help, like bringing in/putting away groceries, taking out garbage, stuff like that.
So I would say the interaction is pretty limited but I'm glad they're here and I know they are too. They both had big semesters and are enjoying some down time!
If your SS is so isolated in the back room that he's not even coming out for dinner that is pretty sad. Does your husband make an effort to talk to him and/or spend time with him?

The key word in adult child is ADULT. He's not a child anymore. He's just visiting. Dad should talk to him about common courtesy, eating with the family when he visits at least once in a while.

But here's the thing. According to your description, he wasn't incredibly social when he was younger...why do you expect that to suddenly change? If he wasn't a chit-chatter before, why would he be now?

Did you all eat together before, or is that a new desire on your part - nothing wrong with it, but if it's not how things were before, it's not the young man's fault that you're disappointed now.

Did he help around the house before? If not, then again, no surprise. But dad can say - "Adults clean up after themselves, son. So please do when you visit."

As a child of divorce, there were no set expectations from may parents once I was out of high school.

I lived with my mother but I would often go to my dad's to chill out or visit with him and his family.

My daughter is 19 today and she lives in her own condo 20 minutes from us. On Christmas Eve, she came over and spent 2 nights with us. Again, she was home and I had no expectations of her to do anything more or less than she did when she lived here 24/7.

I don't have a problem having a 19+ older child in my home doing what they want. I would be glad they wanted to be with me and in my house period.

If you do have certain expectations.. please make sure they are communicated so everyone is on the same page.

Encouragement.

Our adult children love to have holiday dinners, not bring anything, not cook, but show up and eat. Then they sit around and chatter at clean up time.

I usually pick a name, don't care who's child it is, and ask them to come help me. I'm that aunt.

All I can answer is when I can home from college for visits...the same old house rules applied...I didn't have a curfew, but out of respect I told them where I was going and with whom and when to expect me home or not home, etc.

If I was there on Sunday the whole family when to church together, it was a house rule living or visiting.

I helped with dinner, set the table, did my own and helped with family laundry, hung out and visited with my mom and ran errands with her, hung out with and ran errands with my dad.

I respected the house rules and followed them...I don't see how this would be different even in a split family situation.

DH (since we can't use your name!! LOL), you've allowed this behavior the whole time.

The conversations - well - sorry - but they should have been going on the whole time...having a kid relegated to the back of the house is NOT a relationship.

His father lives there too. So I say - it's STILL his home. I can't imagine having a step child - even as an adult - come over and relegate him or her to the "back of the house" and NOT have conversations and the expectations set many years ago...

I don't get how things were awkward...unless of course, you were the other W., and dad left mom for you...then yeah - that would be awkward, but if not? What's the big deal - EVERYONE has a past. EVERYONE brings baggage to a relationship...a child was involved - that child still deserves to be treated like a family member and NOT shoved to the back of the house...

I would tell the adult child - I'd like to start the new year off with some new rules...here's what I propose...what are your thoughts on this?

Once they re 18 they are adults and can do whatever they want.

But you now can talk to him as an adult. Decide what you want him to be doing. What do you and your husband do all day at home? Do you sit and visit all day? Do you work on chores? Do you all run errands?

John, when you come to visit, we would like to be able to visit with you.

Or give him a heads up, when you come over this weekend, be sure to bring some clothes you do not mind getting dirty, we will be working in the yard and dad ill need you to help him spread the dirt.

Or "be sure to wear something you do not mind getting paint on, We are all going to be painting the TV room." Then put the TV in the garage..

If you cannot speak with him, have his dad talk to him about how he is not a guest in your home, he is a family member and needs to interact and help you guys.

Make him in charge of a meal, buying groceries.. Whatever you think needs to be done.

My problem at my Stepmom and dads home is that they only wanted to sit around and talk.. If I took a game over or suggested we walk the neighborhood. They did not want to do any of that. She did all of the cooking and did not "need any help", even though I am 1000 times better cook than her.

Make him and dad run errands. Work on projects, Do chores. Does your husbands family live in town? Maybe have his grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and their families come over , so he can visit with them too.

As long as he is polite, you can't force him to engage. Sometimes you just have to wait a while for them to mature. That could be many years. The interests of a 20 year old are very different from our interests, usually. And the things they like to talk about are usually very different.

You may be surprised to find that he engages more than he used to. Or not. If there is something specific you want him to do with the family, let him know beforehand.

My early 20-somethings are home, and were pleasant and did the obligatory family things. Then they went out with their friends and back to their computers.

It will all come with time, especially when you all have more in common. And that takes life experience.

I like Laurie's response.

Generally, once they are off to college they tend not to come home (either home) until spring or winter break and even then, they might be going to the beach instead of visiting with the folks.
They are busy with school and/or working (or should be) and are adults more or less.
It might be time to turn the game room into a hobby/sewing/exercise room for awhile and discourage him coming home just to play (and do laundry).
Doing what they want is fine but you're house is your house and as long as they are returning - you get to set the rules.
If they REALLY want to do what they want, they won't be coming home to do it.

I suggest that his dad engage him to spend time together. Do they have any common interests? At this age he doesn't have to legally come over but it seems he does want to be a part of the family since he still comes. Try asking him to join you for meals etc. and see if he does.

My SS moved in with us in his senior year and spend most of his time in his room playing games/watching TV (he is 22 now). He lives in one of our rentals now and spends time with us, but he and his dad were always close.

Its your home, you set the rules. My adult son visited me for the holidays. We went to an event where free alcohol was served. He drank, I put my litte bottles in my purse. I cannot drink with my son although we are both adult. It just feels strange.

Yes, this is a strange new time for you as the mom to an adult. It will come to you what to do. But remember, if you make the rules too hard, adult kids may not want to visit as much...

If you and your husband tend to think of this in terms of visitation and "arrangements" etc. -- it's time for that to end. And you refer many times to "expectations" for his behavior, your husband's expectations, etc. That too needs to end, or get ramped way back and treated like you would treat your expectations for any adult staying in your home.

As someone else noted, if he wasn't interacting before, why do you think that is going to change now?

Is it possible that you and/or dad are feeling sad or sorry that you don't have much of a relationship with this young man and what you're framing as "expectations for visitation" really is more about -- if you are able to see it -- your desires to make up for some lost time with his son? Maybe dad (and you?) now realize that, at 20, he's nearly done with you and won't be back once college is done and he's no longer needing a weekend and holiday crash pad, and you want to establish more of a real and interactive relationship, and to get to know him better than when he was a teen.

You can't force it. You can and should have expectations but only about things like him pulling his weight in terms of doing his own laundry or certain chores like those we all do to keep the house going. You can institute a rule of "no meals in rooms" which I think is reasonable and can be chalked up to keeping a cleaner house (don't make it seem as if you're saying he's a slob, though). But you cannot force real engagement.

What your husband CAN do is plan some activities that get son to engage. This means finding things outside the house that would interest and please both dad and son to do together. Did dad not do this in the teen years? Because that would have been great, and helpful, but it's not too late for dad and son to do some things together. Son may truly need some down time if he's working hard at college, but aren't there activities you and dad can find that would get all of you involved together? Is son so far gone into TV and gaming that he won't go out to a movie and dinner with you, or won't go for an afternoon hike in a nearby park, or whatever? Give it a try.

But it's truly time to get past the idea of controlling son beyond a certain point. I think that if you and dad really can be honest with yourselves, you might find that this comes from the realization that your son/stepson is an adult and one you don't know very well but want to know before he's truly gone.

I can't say what worked for others, but what ended up happening with me (the kid in this situation)... I had two dads, adoptive and bio. My adoptive dad and I usually met for a meal or we might do a dinner and a night over at one or the other of our places. I should add that I had my own place by the time I was 18 and I was functioning as an adult (in that I had a job and my own life). So, there wasn't a lot of 'hanging out' time, the visits were more intentional and a way to catch up. We didn't do full weekends together because we both had things to do. My bio-dad's family was farther away, so I stayed the weekend. But when I visited, I didn't just become a couch potato. There was usually something to do, a sibling to play a game with, etc.

I would say that if you have an adult child visiting for a certain amount of time, the negotiation on how to use that time needs to be between the parent and the adult child, so it's good that you are checking with your husband. I was raised that you came to meals when they happened; it was rude not to do so. No one needed to tell me this. But I will say this-- my bio dad's family always had something for us to do, even if it was just small things like making dinner together or baking or doing some gardening or going sailing. So, I never felt like I could just disappear from the family. I was there to visit.

In my house the grown adult would participate in some form of family activity or communication ( meals at the family table with the family) at least part of the time, (watch a movie as a group, this is part of what makes family... ,family-togetherness ,within reason. If they want to play video games they can go back to where they live to do that, unless everybody has down time to do whatever. They can also assist with setting the table, taking out trash, normal stuff that helps the household stay operational. I'm
not saying give them a list of things to do, but, it doesn't hurt them to help out every now and then, if you expected chores as a rule when your children were younger ,why would you expect any less now that they are grown up. it's just courtesy and respectful, I/m 54 and still offer to assist my mother with whatever she might need help with. My grown children know I have rules at my house and it's not anything they don't already know, they are expected to hang out with me when they come to visit, it doesn't mean I have a monopoly on their time, it just means we don't see each other often ,we live in different cities, so it just makes sense to enjoy each other's company a good portion of the time they are here, but, I don't expect to have them spend every minute with me.
What is the point in visiting family if you aren't visiting and spending time together ?!
Visitation ends at 18,whether the kid is in college or not. Their (the kids) visits are expected to be just that ,visits, not a place to just crash when they have nothing better to do, and to hang out for a free place to stay.
C. S.

He is a guest in your house. Whether he's a welcome guest or not is up to you.

:)

We had one sk turn 18 in HS and one turn 18 after HS. While the first one was still in HS, we mostly just went with the usual schedule, as his sister would also be there. When they graduated from HS, things changed to be more flexible (flexing started more in HS, and when they got jobs, but we kept them seeing BM EOWE as much as possible). They lived/live where they work, so when SS works in BM's town, he lives with her. He is looking to get an apartment soon. SD spent most of last summer with us and worked in our area. Being almost 20, I would discuss with him your expectations as a young adult. My SD does not pay us rent b/c she's in college. When SS graduated, he was welcome to live here...but do chores (like we do) and pay minimal rent and pay for some of his own food. He also had to hold a job and take care of his car himself. We do not pay for his phone, car insurance, or any maintenance on the car. There are times we don't see much of SS at all, and that's his personality. But he does let us know how many nights he will be around for dinner and we eat as a family most of the time. He joins us when he's here. I totally feel for you, though, with the interactions thing.

You and your DH may not want to "mandate" but I think there needs to be a sit-down, for all involved. Let him suggest things. If he would LIKE to mow the lawn, then yahoo! Take him up on it. But if he slacks, then work out something else. If his job doesn't permit visits on the same level, then perhaps do a Sunday Dinner instead.

We still trade off holidays and I assume that when they have their own families we'll work that out, too.

Communication can be hard, but I think if you and DH and SS all talked, it would be best for all involved. If you don't want to dictate a thing, you can do what my FIL does. He calls up DH when he needs a hand and DH goes there, helps his dad, and hangs out for a bit. If you think he's doing nothing but watching movies, ask him what he's into and if he'd bring it upstairs and share with you.

ETA: I can find time with just SS around awkward due to ages and interests. I'm not the "other woman". I just met and married DH when SS was a preteen/teen and it's a tough time to jump in. Especially with a boy. So don't worry about feeling awkward if it's just a clash of personalities or something.