Visitation . . . Driving Question

You can't make it work without a court order. Those "stings" are called protection. If you don't want them.... there are consequences to that, as you are finding out.

If you don't have a court order... then his is not LEGALLY ordered to pay one damn dime and he can do as he pleases.
If you don't have a visitation schedule he can see her when and how he pleases.

As far as driving on one weekend to see him.... that is small potatoes compared to the big picture. You're focusing on the details, because it's easy to quibble about who drives when and what is fair. Instead of that... get yourself a court order for both visitation and child support, lay out who is responsible for what and deal with the bigger picture.

If you don't want that.... then get yourself some "strings" that offer some structure and accountability.

Tell him to pound sand. Honestly, what's the point of accommodating him at all? And you don't even get child support and don't want to hold him accountable for that? He's a flake. I can't imagine your daughter benefits in any way from this on-again, off-again, inconsistent relationship.

Get a back bone. Tell him that he can see your daughter when he's willing to play like a grown up - that means a formal visitation schedule and a solid history of paying child support. Otherwise, protect your daughter from the roller coaster of having a father who is in and out of her life as it strikes his fancy.

From waaay to much experience with almost the exact same situatuon, I say NO, don't let her go! You are not his doormat and your daughter is not just a convenience. It will be hard for you to say no, but stand your ground. You only want what's best for your daughter and in the long run, this is. It's not a place you want to be, but you need to look out for the best interest of your whole family now. Good luck, you can do this!

I truly think that if you don't have a court order for all this to be able to tell him no then you just have to accept that you have to do what he wants and be done with it.

A court order makes everything all nice and tidy. He should have a court order for child support. It's all very easy. You go file the paperwork with the child support enforcement agency, they find his income by his SS#, if he has no income showing on that number then they have him arrested. Once he gets bonded out a few minutes later he understands he has to pay the money and then does so or he goes to court over and over and over then has to pay attorney fees PLUS the back child support. They will also hold any income tax refund money he has coming and they'll give that money to you. He has money, it's obvious.

If he wants to see her he has to come get her.

BTW, if you don't have a court order for custody he can take her and keep her and there isn't much you can do except basically go to his town and file papers for custody then go back and forth for years to try and get her home again. All he has to do is say you told him to keep her. His word against yours.

Ok this is what I'd do. 4 hours apart is crazy hard but you want to keep some sort of relationship with him for the kid.
1. Let him buy her what ever he wants. Its for her.
2. If he treated his previos kids that way you knew full well what he was about before hand
3. He is obviously not going to do visitation any way you want him to. Dont agrue with him. It will just infuriate both of you more.And she will be the one who suffers
4. I would suggest if you feel save he is not going to steal her from you that on a day when its going to be a long weekend. No school for a fri or a monday . You will meet him half way and that way she can spend a atleast 3 or 4 days with him. It might not be every other week but it will be better quality time. I would not though give in to his every other week nor remind your daughter to call him etc. Do not even mention it is set up. Make sure you telll yoru daughter to remember its nothing she did but she has to expect that he is who he is and not expect more. As unfair as that is

I would approve time if it benefits your DD and if it fits your schedule and if she wants to go. My SD attended funerals and weddings with her mom where she didn't know anyone. And while DH's ex never paid CS, she always had money for what she wants. Let the CS enforcement people have his info and ignore the gifts, IMO.

When he calls to talk to you, ask him to hold on and talk to his child. But at the end of the day, you can't MAKE him be a good dad. Just take care of DD and let her know it's not about her. It's about him.

ETA: Visitation and child support are not mutually exclusive. You can have one without the other. Do not withhold DD for the CS if you are required for him to have some time with her. If you have no court order, get one. It has never benefited anyone I know in the long run to not have one. Even if he doesn't pay a dime, it's on the books. And if you are the primary custodial parent, then he can't keep her and say he has just as much right. Please get this in writing, even if it's just through mediation. For all your sakes. Tell him it's about making life easier for all of you.

I didn't read the other responses so not sure if I'm reapeating or whatever. I told my ex that if he paid the full amount of child support, I would meet him. Otherwise, he was more than welcome to come see them or pick them up. I waited until we settled in court again before meeting him halfway.

Since there is nothing on paper I don't see how I can advise you. These things tend to be spelled out in the parenting plan.

It does seem rather stupid to do the halfway so what about you take her one direction and he take her the other. Sure it will screw up one day more than half way but it isn't messing up two days.

He expects it because that is what he is getting. IMO, if he wants to be a part of her life, he needs to show some financial responsibility. I know you want him to be a part of her life, but I would tell him that he needs to step it up, or any visits other than what is court ordered will be if and when it is feasable to you to accomodate it. He needs to make the trip, and he needs to be the one taking care of her when he has her. If he is going to go out with his girlfriend, then he doesn't need to have his daughter visit that day. Your daughter is already starting to feel rejected (when he doesn't have time to talk to her on the phone), you need to protect her.

I know that you do not want to have the courts involved, but if you are that dissatisfied with the way things are, then I think you might need to reconsider. From my understanding (and my own experience with divorced parents) each parent is usually responsible for getting the child from one location to another. Either you will have to make the full drive out and he will have to make the drive back, or you will have to meet in the middle both times. Unfortunately, getting to and from one parent to the other is something that needs to happen in order for the child to have a relationship with both parents. If you have a court order, you will at least be prepared to expect the long drive on certain days . . . maybe your new husband can even go with you once in a while, since it will be a preplanned thing.

I am surprised when you divoriced you weren't set up with child support and visitation schedules. I would simply tell him that you have been accomidating enough and he can make the trip to pick her up and return her in place of the child support. Wanting her two weekends in a row isn't agreed upon but decide if it is worth fighting over. Perhaps he will change it only to one weekend if he knows he will have to drive both ways on both times. The best thing is to always keep in mind it is the child who gets hurt when there is fights, so it is good that you talk it through.

i would just tell him that if he wants to be able to have her whenever he wants and have no set schedule made by the courts than he has to be the one to come get her you just cant meet him half way. i dont know what kind of relationship you have with him but if i were you i woudl just say i feel like im being good about this whole situation in just letting you take her whenever you want so if u really want her on those days you need to come and get her

You really need to have a serious discussion with yourself about what the goals are here. Is it for your daughter to have time with her dad? If so, does it make sense for it to be quality time or just any old time. You need to lay out clear rules of what you are and are not willing to do and communicate those to your ex. I recommend at least speaking with an impartial experienced 3rd party like a lawyer or a mediator so that you can get a reality check. Since you sound reluctant to get the courts involved, I would recommend at least getting your ex to agree to a mediation session where the 2 of you can hash out some of these issues with a "referee" in the room to help guide the discussion.

For the time being I agree that if he is not paying anything, you certainly should not be expected to spend your gas money and your family time driving to meet him. You need to stand up for yourself. Stop feeling guilty and taking so much responsibility for your daughter not getting a good father experience. It is his responsibility to play the father role and if he stinks at it, it isn't your fault. She has a stepdad, let him become the strong healthy make figure in her life.