Video Games - Chester,VA

GET RID OF IT COMPLETELY. If it's not in the house, there's nothing more to fight over, right?

I would be concerned he is addicted. Maybe find out if it's possible and see if there is treatment available?

Get rid of it entirely-if it isn't in the house-he can't use it. In what way is it enhancing/improving his life? Maybe if you get rid of it, he would at least make a friend that has one?? Today it's an xbox-tomorrow, it will be a car-you need to nip this in the bud now while you still have control.

I would throw away or sell the game. If it's not there, he can't play it. Then I would spend time WITH him. Take him to the library and check out some books. Find out what he is interested in. Does he like art? - enroll him in a short course. Is he good at science? Pick a short course on robotics at the local museum. Do you have bikes - get on them and go. Thirteen is NOT too old to do things together. And it is certainly not too late for him to develop some real interests.

What do you want him to do instead?

I played a lot of video games as a child and it was a constant battle with my own parents. It got so bad that my mother took my nintento and put it in the trunk of my father's car so when he went to work it went with him. It was a constant battle and I'm still resentful about it all these years later. I got good grades and I didn't shirk my chores. That my mother would rather I go outside and look for grasshoppers or something rather than play a video game really rankled, considering she liked to sit and do crossword puzzles. After she hid my Nintendo from me, I rounded up all her crossword books and threw them in the garbage. Boy was she pissed, but she sure didn't see the irony of the situation.

I'm on your son's side on this one. As long as he has his homework done and isn't letting any household chores slide, what he does with his free time shouldn't be dictated. If he IS letting his responsibilities slide, tell him everyone must earn their leisure time. Adults have to go to work to make sure the needs are taken care of before the wants. So too must he.

We're an ADHD house that had video games (and tons and tons of tech) ... With no more problems surrounding them than any other thing.

Which is honestly fairly key: ADHD'ers of ALL ages tend to have difficulty transitioning, and it takes a prybar when we're hyperfocused.

A short thing on hyperfocus: it's the flip side of HYPOfocus (the distractibility). Hypetfocus always always always comes along with ADHD. When it clicks on... We have NO sense of time, our surroundings, biological needs, etc. this is the scientist who works for 30 hours straight, the sniper intent on their target, the artist who doesn't hear what people are saying to them, the athlete who is there before everyone and still there after everyone leaves... etc.

((Those are adult examples, btw, in kids these are the kids running until their feet are bloody, throwing a 4 hour tantrum, drawing while eating, getting dressed, being driven to school, and then look up and go "Wha???" clueless as to how they got there... And a thousand other examples.) in adults, hyperfocus is why so many ADHD types are phenomenally successful... In kids... ? Well it drives parents and teachers crazy.))

Sometimes we can talk while hyperfocused. Usually it's automatic / doesn't really register (ever had a conversation in your sleep?). We rarely eat, drink, pee (just don't feel the need... Not until you "finish", the hyperfocus shuts down, and then it's the RACE!!! to the bathroom, clutching your stomach in hunger, don't know what time of day -or heck, even WHAT day it is).

My point being: is that with ADHD we hyperfocus on ANYTHING we like/love... And that shifting gears / transitioning is an ongoing and lifelong thing. Be it playing sports so hard we get injured (not feeling our bodies), or gaming all day, or reading, or singing, or studying, or, or, or.

So UNLIKE a neurotypical house... Simply removing x passion doesn't work. You have to take away EVERYTHING REMOTELY INTERSTING... And that's stupid/ depressing/ has predictable results (rebellion in some serious ways, or suicide).

So gaming... Like nearly everything else in our house... Is looked at through an ADHD lens.

Meaning turn problems on their ear.

One thing I do for MYSELF is give myself 1 whole day (or weekend) to write. If I don't have that block of time... I don't. Why? Because its the only area in my life I can't work around they hyperfocus. So I set my son up ELSEWHERE (Nonna's, friends, dads, wherever), and just write. I'm not capable of taking care of myself, much less another human being when I'm hyperfocused. So if I have to be responsible, I don't write. Period.

For my SON... A similar thing works. One day a week he can do WHATEVER he wants (within reason, we're not talking flamethrowers or driving, or whatever). If he wants to spend from breakfast to bedtime plugged in, that's his prerogative. I have the other 6 days a week to chime in.

I make sure that's his "first" free day. With neurotypical kids, you make it the last day... To earn it. With ADHD kids, they'll be stuck in hyperfocus all week (pleeesase, but I wanna, gah!)Aall. Durn. Week. And they won't earn it, because they're too fixated on this other thing. So I get the joygasm out of the durn way so that we can do other things the rest of the week.

Is he allowed gaming the rest of the week? Yep. No time limits (I've tried that, they really didn't work well, similar to me and writing. It's just FRUSTRATING for all involved). INSTEAD:

He'd better choose his games wisely. Because you have 5 seconds to pop off WITH good attitude (or no more for 36 hits, snark twice and it's the rest of the week), and it's tome to do something else.

They key point being balance.

So 1st free day = whatever you durn well please.
6 other days = balance.

Chores, sports, friends, errands, games, school, etc. it's not about any one thing.. It's about making sure they're ALL done.

((Whst I mean about choosing wisely: real time game play, and games that don't save are NOT conducive towards popping off in 5 seconds. You NEED to be able to pause and save. ))

ANOTHER thing with my son... Gaming is important to him. For ME it's just light entertainment. An interactive novel / choose your own adventure / board games how we always imagined they COULD be. For him, it's a real passion. So I ENCOURAGE that. At age 10 he's designing his own levels in user publishing content, learning how to script his own games, we've gone on field trips to MS Studios, Bungie... And a lot of his plugged in time is really spent researching and building.

Gaming is a valid, highly creative, and very lucrative career. He may not want to be a game designer when he grows up... But he may. REGARDLESS he's being given the tools now to really explore things he's passionate about... While at the same time learning to keep the rest of his life in balance.

Did I always do this? Heck, no. I thought it was a waste. And then I thought...What if my mum had treated MY passions and interests like that?

The problem is: that their Dad.... lets them do it and for as long as they want. PROBABLY because, when they are playing the video games... it means that the boys are occupied, then when they are, their Dad.... DOES NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING with them, nor parent them, nor occupy them.... himself.
He is being, a LAZY Dad.
That to me, is the problem

We have an Xbox in our home. It is my Husband's. But, just because a home may have an Xbox, that does not mean that a kid will be constantly playing it. I have a 5 and 9 year old. THEY DO NOT, play it, even if they have their own kid, games. And even if they do, they do not play it for long nor continuously nor everyday, nor all the time, nor for long stretches of time.

So to me, the problem isn't the box itself... it is because, their DAD... is using the Xbox, as a BABYSITTER, when they are with him. And he is being, lazy. It gets the boys, out of HIS way. And keeps them busy, for him. But I bet, HE is not taking them out, or doing things with them, nor parenting them nor teaching them anything, useful or valuable or profound.

So, the "battle" is with their Dad.

As I said, the Xbox, does not control my kids. And they are not hung up on it. We are a tech house, full of tech gadgets and games and a PlayStation and a Wii, too. And my kids, do not use it all the time nor everyday. Even if we let them... they are not using it. They are doing other things, we as parents play with them, and go OUT and do other things too.

And, your sons can have hobbies. Aren't they interested in anything else? The parent also has to initiate those things.
My kids are only 5 and 9, but they have so many other, interests.

Have your 13 year old join a Lego club or something. There are many in each State.

Next time your son comes home with the Xbox, just take.it.away. despite all his whining.
Just take it away.
Doesn't his Dad care... about what the Doctor says?
How lazy can he be?
Or make him EARN the use of it. He should be doing things in the house. He is old enough. Tell him, he is NOT a BABY... and old enough, and to quit whining and lying and that's it.
Make a list of things for him to do. And he has to do it, or he gets nothing.
Make him earn his play time.

If your son is a Hermit... then it is the parents that need to address that and find some help for him. Even if that is a Counselor.

We have similar issues. We have times, such as from 11:30 till 1 in the afternoon, then from 3-5 at night can be video game time. Other times he can keep busy by helping with dinner, reading a chapter book, doing something active like basketball or skateboarding, chores... during the school year he needs to have his homework and studies done before video game time...

Just take all the videos and controls away for a while. Do not return it to him.
I think that even when a kid is doing his chores, studying well, homework and all, he shouldn't be playing that much. It is just NOT healthy. My oldest loves playing with WII, some computer games, etc., but when I started to notice that this was keeping him from outdoor activities, sports and even time with family and friends, we took all the stuff away for a while. Now he has limited hours in front of the WII and limited time in front of the computer. I know he would like to play more, but himself realizes that these things are addicted. He does a lot of things outdoors (weather permitting), sports and we as a family do many things together (gardening, jogging,reading, playing board games, visiting friends and having always friends over, etc) probably this has been the most important thing we have ever D., being together and find activities for ALL of us together. Happily my kid loves to read, so when he is not playing electronics, and for any reason nothing else to do, he reads a lot, and he plays piano as well. We are not buying anything else like xbox or so.

Schedule game play ahead of time. Decide how many days a week/hours a day you will allow gaming, and stick to the schedule. If he misses a scheduled time, reschedule. Give plenty of warning (20 minutes) before it is time to stop. Let him be part of the scheduling process. Also, get the kids out of the house. Give them something else to do, or somewhere else to go.

This is why we don't have a Xbox. My husband saw his firstborn son get addicted (most boys do) and had similar issues.

What other interests does your son have? Friendships? Hobbies? Interests? Fieldtrips? I know this is hard. I have a 12 yr old boy. But he loves being physical and social so that helps a lot. He does have a friend who BRINGS the Xbox to our house to play and one night he was up till 5am playing. Poor kid has no boundaries.

You can try reading some kid advice book:

Lehman - Have a new teen in 5 days? something like that
Boundaries with teens

welcome to mamapedia

If it makes you feel any better, this is a common problem with boys.

If you are determined to limit his game time, the best thing to do is decide on an amount of time per day that you feel is reasonable, and then get one of those game time controller things that allows them to play for a certain amount of time and then turns it off, and they can't access it any more. A friend of mine did that, and I don't know what the thing is called, but if you want to know message me and I will call her and find out the details.

If you use the timer, that way their game time is set in cement and they know ahead of time that they only get X (two, three?) hours per day, and the gaming goes off.

However, if you do this, you will have to be strong, because you are going to have a kid sitting around with nothing to do and bugging you, and it may take a while until he adjusts to this new lifestyle and figures out what to do with himself. So be very certain you are willing to uphold this if you are going to implement it. Because as soon as you start giving in and allowing him more time, he will pester you endlessly.

And make sure he knows the exact details of this thing before you set it up -- that if he's in the middle of a level and his time is up then it's just too bad, he will have to learn to monitor his time.

He should have some friends, however. Is there some kind of group he can join so that he can make some friends? Another sport? You have to involve him in something else outside of the house.

Yeah I have a teen boy and you have to be consistant and not back down even if they get violent or arguementive. They have way more time to try and think of ways to get over on you so they catch you off guard and try to manipulate you, don't fall for it. Send him outside and let him just sit on the porch if he wants. Once you find that you stop giving in and it takes a while cause they are not going to believe you are gonna stick to what you say, he will eventually change his attitude and try to get over in some other way! But mom your tactic is to hold firm no matter what, sorry to tell you, but this will go on for years...

Hi, N.:

You need to learn how to be a drill sargeant, you know, boot camp!
If you have issues with tough love, then get into a parenting class in your community.

Don't use ADHD as an excuse.
You can do what needs to be done if you learn some skills.
You have lost respect with your children. Your word means nothing to them.

Sit down with your sons and husband and set up the rules for the family.
Then set up the consequences.

One rule: no xbox, etc,
Boys will join the Boy Scouts of America until
you are 18.
You and your husband go to parenting classes.

Chores to be done each day, etc.

If you say anything, remember what you said and enforce the rules.
Good luck.
D.

Maybe try Yuguio cards. They are really popular again, even with teenagers.

My son now spends a lot of time looking at these cards and playing some kind of game where he keeps score. I am much happier seeing him do this than playing video games.

Set a timer. When it beeps he is done. End of story. If he does not agree to this you take it away for a day. If he gets physical with you, take it away for a week, etc. You can't control what dad does, only what happens at your home. Don't let dad be your excuse not to parent.

As far as activity, and social life maybe you can do active things as a family and you could invite a friend along. Go for a bike ride or play ball at the park or go swimming.

I'm trying not to sound mean but you need to get a backbone and start being the parent or it will just get harder as he/they get older.

I do think the video games need to be limited. I always tell my video gaming son that video games are fine...in moderation. Most days he does play more than 2 hours but thats ok. He does other things too. Hut ultimately you are the parent and no it isn't always the most pleasant but you still need to stand up to him. But my son also has ADD and Aspergers and it seems when he seeks to pay video games non stop hes looking to take control of his world and get his mind back in order. I dont allow it but I understand why he wants to do it. He also had a hard tim me on the social front but on the video game controller and in the video game world he is in control and he is good at something and everyone likes him. Unlike in the real world where he might be struggling with something or having a hard time making friends. He seeks the fantasy escape. His therapist had helped a lot with helping him gain control of his emotions and give him different outlets for when his social anxiety kicks in high gear. When I see that happening, I set down and make time with him. Good luck in getting the gaming under control.