Very Upset over Social Issue Concerning 5 Yr Old Son - HELP

Ahhhhhhhh! I just want to scream.. and I mean this in a very gentle and supportive way - really! We Mom's love our kids so much don't we? The teacher isn't concerned, please don't be either. I'm no expert but I spend a lot of time at the kids school (ages 3-6) preschool and kindergarten. Kids are all so different. The fact that he doesn't have a best friend is nothing to worry about. The fact that he likes to play with the girls - again, nothing to worry about. The only way he is going to have social problems moving forward is if he picks up on your concerns. If he senses that Mom thinks something is wrong with him, then he will think something is wrong with him and just based on what you wrote - he sounds perfectly NORMAL!!!! Please get some books on child development, I promise, they will put your fears at ease. Or just trust the teacher - if she thought there was a problem, I'm sure she'd tell you. I know boys in my daughters class that are similiar. There are 24 kids in her kindergarten class and each one is so unique. I could never say, this kid is normal or this kid is not.. they all come in to the world hardwired a certain way - unfortunatly, we often want to try to change them. Don't. Accept him for what he is and just enjoy the heck out of him! I think it is great that he is friends with everyone and shows how smart he is favoring the girls! LOL! Most of the boys in my daughter's class are pretty wild and there are a few boys that just don't run with them and I don't blame them. They are all great kids - just different.

You said any advice would be appreciated so I hope I didn't come off too harsh. I'm a believer though that our fears get projected on to our kids and what we so hope doesn't happen, does because we obsessed over it. Relax and just enjoy this time.
M.

Hi A.:
You've received some great responses. I agree,that your concern is unwarranted.As a matter of fact, your sons choice of girl friends should come as a positive note.Professionals agree,that even at a young age, girls mature a lot faster than boys. They learn quicker,and act more responsible. Your sons preference,would tell me, that he feels more comfortable around those individuals.My son, worried me,when at an early age he would voice his disappointment,and tell me he no longer wanted to play with some friends he had made. When I asked him why, He would tell me "Because,they act so stupid" Your son probably feels more in tune with the more mature crowd,and the more mature crowd around him happens to be the GIRLS.You can pat yourself on the back,as it would appear,he doesn't lack respect for his opposite gender.I wish you and your Ladies- Man the best : ) J. M

Just wanted to ad from my experience. My middle son has always prefferd to play with the girls while in pre-school & elementary school. He is now in high school plays football, wrestling has a few good "guy" friends but has a ton of "girl" friends they call him all the time for advise he really is there best friend. He dates girls and manages to stay friends after they break up. Girls, love him. I wouldn't worry at all your son will be fine. He's probally just a ladies man. lol

Hi A.,

I'm sure that is quite normal.

My daughter is almost 4 years old, and as long as she has been in school (2 years) she has always played great with all the kids but mostly with the boys. I was a little surprised at first, because she is the most feminine girl and I thought she'd have more fun playing with other little princesses. Her best friend at school right now is a boy and they are two peas in a pod. She has just always gotten along better with the boys.

My son is 18 months old and when I drop him off, there are two little girls who come running to hug him as soon as he gets there. And when I pick him up, he is usually playing with the girls and not the boys, or a mix.

I don't think there is anything to be worried about and I don't think your son has any gender issues what so ever.

-Char

I can sympathize with you, but I can tell you do not worry.

Your son seems fine and perfectly normal.
At this age... they do not yet concretely make "best friends" nor keep them from here on out. Friends changes all the time, for boys or girls. And in the next year, it will be a different mix of friends and classroom.
That is how my daughter was in Kindergarten. She's now in 1st grade, and she has different friends. BUT... on MY part, I keep in touch with the Moms of her Kindergarten friends, and whom I know my daughter 'still' considers as friends, and I make play-dates for them to "keep in touch" even though they do not have each other in the same class this year. I "nurture" the "good Moms" and the "good" friends of my daughter. It is the upkeep of their social network... if not for now, then later as they get older.

My daughter (who is VERY girly) at one time, only played with a boy, her 'best' friend at the time. So what. That didn't mean she had a gender issue. It's just kids. And we still get together for play-dates and socials, even though they are in different classes/Teachers now. His mom is great and we get along too.

The thing is, nurturing friends and what not, is also what you can take part in. While respecting that a child will change all the time in "who" they play with.

My daughter tells me all the time "your'e a cool Mom.... you let my friends come over....and they are nice." She KNOWS what "type" of friends are good or bad... and she can make decisions about it. She has good social judgment... which to me, is a better ability than how many friends they have or just copying other kids..... it is quality over quantity... and social acuity versus gender based.

Your son seems to KNOW in himself, that the other boys are too rough, and he does not like it. Good for him. Yes, boys can be rough... and even my friend's son complained about that to her. He didn't like the boys in his class, because they were indeed "trouble-makers." Even I did not really like those boys either. And, I wouldn't want my daughter to be friends with them either.

My daughter is now in 1st grade, and her class is full of trouble-making meddling kids. She knows this, I know this, the Teacher knows this. My daughter will say very confidently "I don't have friends in class this year... they are not kids I want to be friends with, they are not true friends, only 'sassy'... next year will be better." And that is that. She is happy in her class and says so, she is fine with the mix of kids but "knows" these are not the kind of friends to take home to Mommy but she plays with them and does not have social problems, she knows that she can navigate herself amongst them, she knows she is fine and okay about the whole thing, and she is happy going to school, despite the mix of kids. I know, because we talk about it... and it really does not bother her that the bunch of kids in her current classroom are "yucky" according to her. I observe this as well.

So... its about the QUALITY/character of a child's friends...versus the gender of the friend or the 'quantity' of friends they have.

At at this age, it doesn't matter to them what gender a friend is. Later as a teen, they get more "clique-ish" about it and then start to separate according to boys or girls. Just like at a school dance where all the boys line up on one side of the gym and the girls hang out on the other side, while giggling and gossiping about each boy or girl.

It's all developmental. It does NOT make or damage a child.

I don't think there is a concern or problem. But, its GREAT that your son knows himself and "WHO" is yucky or nice.
That is a good sense of social analytical skill, that he has. He has "discernment" about people. That is good.

Boys do NOT have to be rough-n-tumble, or play football or soccer or, play with trucks or talk like cave-men to be a "boy." They can also be articulate emotionally, love music and art and other hobbies. What about Bill Gates? Yo-Yo Ma? Einstein? They are not typical and are not the stereotypical "macho" men. Does that make them "less" of a man? Heck no, they are so successful and follow their hearts and talents and know who they are.

All the best,
Susan

A.,

In my opinion, your son is awesome! He's making social judgments for himself based on the boys being too 'rough'. I wouldn't classify this as gender issue at this age. If he's getting along with everyone and having fun, then I see no problem with that. Boys can be rough and have expectations for play that isn't always pleasant.

I think the idea of a best friend really evolves as kids get older and develop the need for one person to depend on and really I don't think I ever had a 'best' friend. But, a solid group of friends who depended on each other and are still friends today...in fact, the four of us ALL keep in touch no matter how far away we move.

When I worked in a Kinder/1st Grade Combo class there were never really clearly defined best friends, but those whose parents seemed to gravitate to each other also hung out together at school. If you can, or if you already are, make friends with some of the other Moms and make playdates with them. Give him some 'boy' time outside school so he can develop bonds with them away from the classroom and the playground. This might encourage him to feel more comfortable with 'boy' play.

But still, I have to agree with Susan...it's about nuturing all relationships and creating the ability to trust and bond with others. I'm not sure it matters WHO those individuals might be, especially if it's a healthy and happy friendship. My best friend for years and years as an adult has been a male, and he is the most insightful person I know when it comes to me. But, I have my strong circle of 'girls' who I keep in touch with always.

Just be patient! It'll all work itself out.