Very Picky Eater= Dinner Time Drama

HELLO

I agree with robbie if he doesn't eat is ok just don't give anything else when he is hungry later so next time he will eat dinner ,and don't give him another choice he need to eat what is in his plate.

I have lots of experience on this one and this works best.

1. Serve dinner the same thing to everyone but try to serve at least one thing (bread, side, etc.) that you know he likes.
2. If he wants to eat, fine, if he doesn't fine, but you will not discuss it with him and he is not permitted to say anything negative about the food as this will become a bad example for your one year old soon
3. No dessert, it just creates a if I eat this, blah, blah can I then, etc. Dessert is only for special occasions
4. If he choses not to eat that is fine but can not create drama or make mealtime bad for others. If he does, he is either dismissed to his room or can eat elsewhere
5. You may want to tell him these are the new rules and tell him if he can't follow them he will be seated in a room seprate from the family

Don't stress about it or try to do anything to make him eat. Nothing you do will matter. Do not praise him for eating but praise him for sitting nicely, staying in his seat, not complaining, etc. Focus on not allowing the drama and attention over the food.

I was told a VERY long time ago that children crave attention, even if it is negative. It sounds like your son's eating habits are creating a great deal of drama and, therefore, attention at the dinner table. I was also told a long time ago, that a child will eat when hungry. After raising children for 24 years, I have found both pearls of wisdom to be true.

My advice: Set the table as you normally do. Serve ONE dinner to the family. Put a small portion of each dish on your son's plate. Make him understand he must eat a mimimum required amount to get dessert. Then, leave him alone. Do not say another word about what he does or does not eat. If he's hungry, he'll eat. If he doesn't eat, no dessert, no snacks, no nothing. Once he says he's "finished" and the rest of the family is finished, let him leave the table. Again, no harsh words. Just remind him it's his choice not to eat and not to have dessert or any snacks. After several times of this, he'll learn he has no choice but to eat what's being served as he will be hungry and he doesn't have any other food source.

Please try not to turn meal-time in a battle of wills. Because, in reality, no one "wins".

Hope that helps,
R. F.

I agree with Robbie as well on this one. You have to pick your battles. Also, he is getting exactly what he wants....control at the dinner table.

I am lucky to have a child who is a healthy eater and we've not had many issues in this area. Also, we are not dessert/sweets eaters at this house to that is not an issue at all.

However, as a child, I was a very picky eater. I recall being spanked, forced to eat, and vomiting in my plate. Yeah. lovely childhood memories.... There are some things I cannot tolerate (even smell) and that has not changed to this day.

For instance. Eggs. I will gag in a second if I sense eggs. It is ok if they are in bread, etc..it is scrambled, fried, boiled, chopped in salads, etc. that bother me.

My daughter LOVES eggs, but she gets them if hubby cooks them for her OR she makes them herself.

I get sick with the smell, look and cannot even cook them. I know it is a mental thing stemming back to my childhood.

As I aged, I ended up enjoying most all the other veggies that were force fed to me and can cook them today.

Just another point of view.

Those babies grow up too fast! Enjoy.

A.,

I've been there! I'm telling you from experience it is not worth the battle. You aren't going to win anyway. I'm not telling you to give him dessert for dinner, but I am suggesting take some things into considering and to let this one go.

For starters, he may not be able to help it. He absolutely could have a sensory issue, and if that is the case you could be compounding it and just making him feel bad. Think about it......why would he gag or throw up on purpose? Besides, think of a food you hate, then imagine someone sitting you down and insisting you eat it. All of us Mom's have gotten in the trap of battling our kids over something that seems important, but after awhile you have to ask yourself....."What am I really trying to accomplish here?"

I agree there is no point to making every night a battle. I doubt you will win, and if you do, at what cost? Offer a reward for trying something new, but don't insist on it. He just won't get the reward........but don't set him up for failure so that he can never get the reward. That would hurt him.

What I am guessing you do want to do is make your son feel loved and for everyone to have a calm dinner. PICK YOUR BATTLES! You will have plenty to come. If you do not want your son to have dessert unless he eats something healthy.....that is reasonable. But, again, do not set him up to fail. And do not let him sit there fooling around for an hour. Just clean up and say sorry you missed it tonight.

You will probably scoff at this, but I was a terribly picky eater. Many nights my mother made me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner while the rest of the family ate "normal" meals. My mothers friends certainly scoffed. Guess what? Out of the four children in my family I am the healthiest eater of them all! My Mom didn't turn my eating into a control issue. When it becomes about control you have lost before you start.

I've seen my husband get frustrated with the kids too. Later I will ask him, "What kind of memories would you like our kids to have of time with the family? Do you want them to remember Battles? Disapproval? Disgust? Or do you want them to remember the love, the fun, the kindness, consideration and the support and acceptance?"

I know you are trying to be a good mom and teach your son how to eat a healthy variety of foods. But please keep in mind that Your 3 1/2 year old may just has different likes and dislikes than the rest of the family when it comes to eating. My vote is to just let him know that is okay.

Best of Luck,
P.

Hi A.,
I also have a picky eater at my house; she just turned 5. I do much of what Robbie says to do (good confirmation for me--thanks). I make one meal, we all sit together for 10-15 minutes, whether we eat or not, is up to each person. When she is finished and has asked to be excused, she clears her spot and moves on. Dessert is not a daily thing at our house. I will wait and when I notice everyone ate well, I will have something to offer, but I do not want food to be centered around them so I don't even worry to much. My husband and I will have a 'snack' after they go to bed if need be.

At times I offer new foods and at other times ones I know she will eat. There are times I will serve something she normally eats and she will NOT eat it either. I don't think it is always a battle of the wills, but it easily could be if allowed.

I am noticing, now she is 5, that she truly has some aversions to foods. One bad nugget at Chick Fila and she will NOT eat them.....no matter what. If everyone else wants Chick Fila though....she has to deal with it and pick something else to try.

My husband was a picky eater as a child and STILL IS. The meals I make take his desires into consideration but I can not accommodate all his requests so I fix what I fix and whoever eats, eats. We have worked hard to make sure his pickiness hasn't rubbed off on the girls....hard to tell, but one eats very well and the other is just like her dad (in more ways than just food---).....

Allow dinner time to be more about family time and less battles.....give him a good vitamin, offer wide range of foods to keep exposure so one day he may slip and like it :-), and relax.....keep meals simple so you don't work so hard to have no one enjoy it with you......that is one thing I am learning....

A., I wish I had the miraculous answer - but the child will eat when he's hungry enough. He's obviously figured out that this particular battlefield pushes all of your buttons so it's a power trip to him. You have to let go of the rope!
Maybe concentrate on beverages - if he'll drink milk, maybe you can sneak in some Ensure, etc etc.
I recommend ignoring the gagging behavior bcz your "dramatic response" is just what he's craving...

Good luck,
V.

P.S. I typed out my response before I read everyone else's but I'll have to say Robbie's is excellent!

Could he possibly have some sort of sensory issue with textures? I have heard of many kids with sensory disorders having issues like your son when it comes to food. Just something you miht want to look in to if he has always been that way about his food.

I have heard of a recipe book called deceptively delicious where you puree veggies and mix them in with things they like. I have yet to try it with my picky eater, but have heard great things about it!

Some people are just picky-- including my husband, my kids, and myself. I personally can't possibly chew up or digest any food that I don't like. Everyone is different... I say if it is that difficult, just give in. So long as he isn't eating sweets all day and is getting some adequate nutrition, who cares if he eats PB&J every single day like my daughter, or plain yogurt with fresh fruit in it like my other daughter. To each their own!

PS: Many people said they agreed with "Robbie", but I strongly disagree. If I were told eat something that repulsed me (and many foods did/do), I would STARVE. In fact, I did go to bed hungry MANY nights, and this is cruel. I would NEVER put my kids in that position. My daughter just recently went to a friends' house overnight, and she didn't get her usualy evening snack. She hadn't eaten anything since 5pm... she called us at 1am and said she was "starving", so we told her to go downstairs and get something, but she didn't out of fear. The next morning, she woke up sick-- throwing up. And she's tiny, BTW. The point is, being hungry causes physical distress to children... my advice is from personal experience, and I realize that many people out there can eat anything put in front of them, or at least most things, but that isn't true for everyone.

i broke a very picky eater who still will challenge me, but knows he won't win. this is how: most nights of the week, serve what you know he'll eat. then a night or two of the week, put 4 things on the table. one is a definite he'll eat (say bland baked chicken), another a maybe (mac and cheese), another a definite no (for you corn!), and last a wild card (say beets). tell him he must eat 3 bites of 3 things before going back for seconds. stick to you guns. don't have intense discussions. if he refuses after a time out, then declare his meal done and no more food the rest of the day. (no desserts with average meal should be served anyway. make that a once a week at most treat, not a bargaining tool.) will he be a bit hungry some nights? yes. will he learn to eat 3 bites of corn, a kernel at a time? yes! he may even surprise you and go for the wild card and love it! you can up the number of bites as they age or as they seem to enjoy the foods. you can also up the number of meals a week that you do this. it took a good year or so, but my former picky eater knows now that he is to eat what is on the table. do i allow him certain things, such as no sauce at all, on most occassions? sure, because we all have food ticks. but you have to set boundaries, eliminate the drama, and take back control of the food issue before it becomes an issue. my almost 6 year old eats the same way with minimal complaints!

One thing you do not want to do is punish your child for not eating. This will create a power struggle.

Perhaps a different approach. Mealtime should be pleasant and a time when the family can come together and discuss the day. Sounds to me like he is overly sensitive to different textures. And it's not that he is doing this on purpose.

What I recommend is #1 talking to his doctor about this. Have his vitamin levels and such tested to make sure he is at healthy levels. #2 see if he will drink pedisure or even ovaltine (it has vitamins and minerals). #3 Keep doing what you are doing- put new things on his plate so he can try it (no dessert if you don't at least try is a good and reasonable rule), then fixing things he will eat.

Only try not to make it an issue if he doesn't try the food. If he likes mac n cheese- its ok... he is 3 and as he gets older he will begin to try different things. I would say if you fix something he likes and then does not eat- no snacks in between meals. One rule I had was if I fixed a meal and someone just did not want to eat, they got 1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk. I knew they were getting protein and such and would not be hungry.

My aunt had this problem with her son. Her doctor told her it was fine, that some kids will go through growth spurts and when he gets ready to grow or gets hungry, he will eat. I have noticed this with my own sons, there are times they eat nonstop, then times they get full faster.

My oldest, 5, is very picky and always has been. Food is just not important to him. I used to stress, force, bribe, punish, but I gave all that up and we are a much happier family at mealtime. We enjoy being together and talking instead of dreading the stress it used to bring. My children are allowed to eat whatever they want for mealtime as long as it is somewhat healthy. My son may have crackers, cheese and apple chunks or whole grain toast and baby carrots and then a dessert-pudding, animal crackers, chocolate chip granola bar. I do not mind preparing different foods for my kids as long as it is easy to make. So many parents try to make you feel like a bad parent for making something seperate for your child for dinner, but what's the big deal, if you don't mind it and it keeps everyone happy? My own mother always made at least one dish that everyone liked and I have fond memories of meals with my family while I was growing up. My son only eats, maybe, 10 different food items, but who cares because he is happy and healthy and has no weight issues. I, myself, pretty much eat the same breakfast and lunch everyday, so why should I expect more of my child? I hope you and your husband and son can come to a compromise at mealtime so you can enjoy each others company and not make food such an issue. Have a wonderful holiday!

Oh, my son already told me he didn't want what the rest of the family is eating for Christmas. He wants Rosemary and Olive Oil Trisuits, which are his favorite, and that's just fine with us!!

A., I think you took my son from me!! He is my middle of 5, the only boy, and the only child of mine who has done this to me! What I know for sure is that this is not him trying to get attention, and it is not a discipline issue. He literally gags! It is so hard for him to even stomach the idea of eating this new food. He genuinely does not want to be bad, he just cant do it! I am actually thinking my son may have a sensory issue. He also has an aversion to smells (notices smells immediately, plugs his nose, and swears he cant take it another minute!) He cant stand for his socks not to feel right. He used to take his binky, way more than my other kids did, after we took it, he put his hands in his mouth all of the time, and now, he is biting his nails like crazy! He is also a very physical child. Really good and loving, but when he hugs, he jumps on you to hug you..never a nice, soft hug. It is like he just feels everything MORE than we do. I have said that for a while now, and while I dont know what it is exactly, I know that this is not a battle of wills! Why do I tell you all of this..well, first, to tell you that I get it! Also, to see if you notice similar behaviors in your son..are there other things he is doing that you notice. And, to be one of the few who doesnt say.."He will eat it when he is hungry." Because I know, if he is like my son, he wont. He may try, he will gag, he will cry because he feels bad..but he wont eat it willingly. Not because he is stubborn, or trying you, or wanting attention..just because he cant bring himself to do it! My son is a VERY normal boy, healthy, active, fun..and only I notice this string of odd little behaviors that i think may add up to something. I would love to hear if you find some of these same symptoms..I dont know what the answer is..it is not severe what ever he might have, but it is enough for me to know that there is something more than just disobedience. Hope that has helped a little. Good luck..I know the frustration for sure!! ~A.~

i'm a mom and a teacher and dealing with the same issue.

DON'T GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a teacher, I see the AWFUL effects of parents who give in. I have a 28 yr old cousin who STILL only eats pizza, macaroni, and hamburgers... just like he did as a kid.

And don't make a separate dinner for him.. what lesson does that teach him? Seriously, that is setting yourself up for a life long battle if you do that.

However, I think serving the regular dinner with a few other choices as sides is a great idea. This is what we've been doing at our house and it has really worked. My son also just knows that he HAS to try his food .. bc how can you say you dont like something if you havent tried it??!

Now, if he tries it and doesn't like it of course I don't make him eat it but I always stress the importance of trying. And if he doesn't try his food - he goes to his room (even if he is crying).. bc typically after he is done throwing his food fit he calms down and is always welcome to come back to the table and TRY his food.

We've made a lot of progress with sticking to this routine. Now he doesn't even throw a fit when having to try something bc he knows daddy and I won't back down. He even tried sushi the other day and mexican food, which is a serious break through.

Also, you and your husband need to be on the sme page. It's ok to get frustrated but don't let it show! Kids feed off of your energy.