Very Personal

Deja vu here. Remember that just because a man is not sexually active does not mean that he doesn't love you or that he isn't turned on by you. men internalize stress and worries which affects their sex drive. It may be he is going through a bout of depression. After our baby was born, sex was good for a couple months and then dropped dead. He quit talking to me and took another job since he thought funds were so low. He could have quit drinking and smoking but that's another story. Point is that men do not want to worry us and think they need to be strong enough to handle everything themselves. Be strong and encourage him to talk and maybe couples therapy. Remember that just because he doesn't want sex does not mean he doesn't think you're beautiful.

A.,
I hear your frustration and confusion. My husband and I have been through a similar situation only reversed. I have read books about improving your sex drive, both male and female, and then I discussed those books with my husband. We also have been to a counselor. I find that communicating about how you are feeling is essential to improving any aspect in your marriage, especially sex. Communication and compromise are essential aspects. Also researching about the topic will help you understand his perspective and give you material to discuss with him.

Dear A.,
I totaly know where you are coming from. Only it is in the opposite direction. I am the one with the low sex drive. My husband and I are very intimate. But the furthest thing from my mind is sex. I have no idea how to fix it or what is causing it but it is frustrating.

maybe your husband is worried after seeing u give birth (did he?) you need to become more assertive, start the love making, suprise him some time and have candles lit and the baby asleep when he comes home at night. Talk to your husband about it, Maybe that will help. I know my husband love that. I hope this helps. I have heard of alot of new parents going threw this after a baby.

You might check out the following post and all the responses to it: I love my hubby so much but my sex drive is dead!
From: Trina L Date: Thu. Mar. 08, 2007

I think some of the issues are pertinent whether it be the female or male wanting more sex. This is a very common problem and it may have nothing to do with his love for you. I would ask him to have his testosterone levels checked -- it could be a simple hormone issue.
Good luck -
tam

i think yo should ask him if he is awawre of what you are feeling. if not inform him. then see if he and you are willing to see a doctor about his low sex drive. he may have a problem no one has thought or suggested to get looked at. i think you are normal for what you want. i also think you re understanding of his wants and needs. but he should be of yours. it may just be he wants it as much as you do but thinks you would turn him down. but if it is not a miscomunication between the ywo of you lke that. i would ask if he s willing to go see a doctor.

First off, way to go on asking a touchy subject. You would be amazed as to how common this is with marriages, but most people are afraid to talk about it. I am not one of those people! ;) My hubby and I too have, and sometimes still do, problems in this area. In fact we go to couple counsiling, ok for many reasons, not just this. I see from your profile that you guys live very active and busy lives and I know that plays apart of it. Its great that you both take an hour every day to be alone, this is a great step!! But YOU may have to mix it up a bit. Make game night, naughty game night. Surprise him by playing naked, or better yet, everytime he wins, remove something for him. After a while, make it everytime one of you wins, the other takes something off. I really enjoy a good game of strip trivial pursuit. You can make any game into that, not just poker. Now if something like this doesnt work for him, dont get down, this could be a medical problem, like ED, which no male will talk to their doctor about. You may have to help him here too. Yes, sometimes hubbies are like really big kids too, and we as wives have to hold their hands and help them across the street! lol I hope I have given you some good ideas. Let me know if you ever need anymore. Good Luck!

A.~
Have you spoke to him about any of this? I am wondering if he is in some kind of depression or something. Sometimes a dad can get the baby blues. It is a real big change and it is something that he needs to be aware of. I think that on you next hour you should let him know how you are feeling and see it there is something that you can be doing to help him get throught this tough spot. I am sure that part of it is the stress of running 2 businesses. We run one and that is hard enough!! See if there is something that you can do that will take some stress off him!

This is a very tough thing to deal with I know. My hubby and I have been together for almost 3 years and in the beginning were very intimate. After we got pregnant and had our son who is almost a year old things in that department went down hill fast! Sometimes I want it and he doesn't or its the other way around,we rarely connect at the same time. So I imagine with your husband working so much that it is hard for him to get in the mood. I am not sure if there is any real advice I can give you except TALK TO HIM! Maybe he feels the same as you do, that you aren't in the mood and he doesn't want to pressure you. Some men just have problems telling you want they want and feel and we expect them to know what we are feeling but they are pretty clueless sometimes in this area! But if you don't tell him this bothers you then he is probably never going to know. I don't think the problem with your weight is a contributing factor as I am sure your husband loves you no matter what, but you feeling insecure about your weight might be what is holding him back; if you can show him that you feel happy with yourself maybe he will respond to this. Myself,I am overweight too but my husband tells me all the time that he still finds me attractive and sexy because I don't let my weight affect my self esteem (not too much anyway!) Maybe you could try being very straightforward and tell him that you are planning a very romantic evening for the two of you, making it clear what you want to happen and if he comes home from work on time you will know he is on board! If not, then I think you should have a long talk with him and tell him how you feel about the lack of intimacy and how hurt you feel. I know it is hard to put into words what you need but he needs to know so he can help make the situation better. I hope you get this sorted out because you will both be happier, Good Luck! Shane