Venting About My Ridiculous Husband!

He's a functioning alcoholic. It's better than a "falling down drunk" alcoholic in some ways, but it's harder to convince a functioning alcoholic that that he IS an alcoholic. He'll say, "Look, I go to work. I do what I have to do. My drinking is not a problem!"

But if he would rather drink than spend time with his kids, then his drinking is a problem. It's ruining his family relationships and it's affecting his marriage.

You need to sit down with him and talk about this (when he's not drinking, if possible). He will get mad. But don't be afraid of his anger. Men can use their anger to manipulate women, to.bow us into agreement. As long as he is not a violent man (he doesn't sound abusive or violent to me), you need to confront him and let him know how much his drinking is affecting the entire family. Maybe he never thought about it that way before.

If you are nervous, or if you do think he may get violent, have a friend of his, a relative, or religious leader there with you. He needs to know this is serious and things must change. He must seek help.

Ask him to try, for the sake the family. If you approach him positively, without being too accusatory, and if he is a good man, hopefully he will be receptive.

I wish you the best. http://keystosimpleliving.com/relationships_marriage.php

Some answers are so harsh. There is a problem but when problems arise, divorce isn't the only answer!! Geez.
This is an issue that will take lots of hard work and time to resolve. You have created a family and keeping it together is worth hard work!!
I'd be mad too....

Al-anon now. Biology does not make a parent. You need to keep your kids and yourself safe. Just because he doesn't want to admit he's an alcoholic, doesn't mean you can't deal with it and take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.... please consider attending an Al-Anon meeting in your area if you haven't already.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

it's awesome that he works hard so you can be home with the kids. it's hard to carry that amount of responsibility, I'm sure. I'm a SAHM too, and I understand it gets overwhelming having kids around 24/7.

my husband works outside the home and provides the bulk of our finanicial support. I provide in-home daycare to augment our income. I don't want him to be completely burdened with supporting us. He helps me with the kids when he gets home. We compromise with our situation because neither of wants to be completely burdened with either sort of task. Thus- he provides 2/3's of our money and 1/3 domestic/child support. Whereas I provide the opposite numbers. It works for us. We also take turns getting out of the house without the kids.

more than anything what I'm getting from your rant is that you and your husband need to sit down and have a talk. sounds like neither of your are getting your needs met, and both of you are struggling with the level of responsibility you have collectively and seperately.

you need to figure out what isn't working
you need to figure out what needs to change
you need to figure out what you're each willing to do to fix it
you both need to be willing to compromise and meet each other in the middle

having kids isn't easy. keeping a marriage together isn't easy either.
both take a lot of work and a lot of compromise.

best wishes!

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband isn't being ridiculous, he has a drinking problem and it seems he'd rather drink than take responsibility for his children. You have every right to go out once in a while (to a church function, no less, not out with your girlfriends).

My question is - what will your children remember about their father when they look back at their childhood. Will they remember having fun and their dad interacting with them and taking them to say, the park for fun - or will they remember that he would rather come home and "get a buzz" instead of playing with them.

I agree with Nicole M. I too had this problem with my ex-husband. It was awful. I never got to go anywhere without my 2 boys. We went to a marriage counselor who picked up on his 'functioning alcoholism' right away and he refused to go back. I asked him to get help because I was struggling and our marriage was going no where. We seperated when my youngest at the time was 2. He kept drinking. I now know that he came to pick up my boys after drinking a 'couple' beers. He was diagnosed with psorosis of the liver in December 2009. He died in January 2010.

It also sounds like he is being manipulative because every time you have plans he guilts you into taking the baby. He needs help. He is an alcoholic. For the sake of your marriage and you children, help him get help.

Good luck.

My husband and I are working on a similar situation. I don't know what I would classify my husband as. He drinks 3-6 beers everyday. It is as if he can't handle everyday life/stress/situations without having the edge taken off by alcohol. It is very upsetting to me because I feel like I can't talk to him. If he has 3 beers, he is still a normal person. Once he gets over the 4-5 mark, he really starts showing signs of the alcohol. His speech starts slurring, he makes giant issues our of everyday problems and starts in with a "poor me" attitude. I was to the point, the first thing I did when I walked in the door from work was to look in the garbage can to determine if I wanted to bother telling him about the day or if I was not even going to bother because after a long day at work and a long commute, I don't feel like listening to someone who is drunk.

About two months ago, I finally got up the courage to tell him how I hated coming home and even though he did not think he acted any different, he was much different and I did not like that person. I told him that I had made arrangements to spend some time away with the children and determine what was next. He was very upset for two reasons, one was that I was going to disrupt the lives of our children. He told me if it ever came to that, he would be the one to go because our lives should not have to change because of him. I almost starting crying when he said that. I sometimes forget how much he loves us and would do anything for us even if he does have his faults. The second reason was that he felt bad that I did not even want to be home. That is suppose to be everyone's safe place and I hated being there. He also explained that he was not happy about how much I have pulled away from him and the two of us don't really have a relationship. It is just about the kids.

So we have both made a decision to work on things. I am not a drinker so I don't understand, the whys behind the beer everyday, but he is making an effort to minimize it to 2-3 drinks per day. I am working on getting back into the relationship. It has been about 2 months now and I have to admit he is doing a much better job than I am. He even told me yesterday that he hadn't had any beer in 3 days and he was a bit upset that I did not even notice. I apologized all night. I felt terrible, he is really working on himself and I did not even notice. Reading your post today made me realize that I need to put as much effort into making myself and us better as he is.

It sounds like that is where you guys are at. Each of you needs to determine what is acceptable, compromise if need be and each of you make every effort to do what you said you would do. Changing behaviors is very difficult and we are only on 2 months and like I said, I needed the reminder so give it time and just do your best.

You go girl! Vent away b/c you DO have a reason to vent. I am sorry you have such a selfish husband. These are his children too. Remind him of that nicely, calmly, then walk out the door. don't even get upset or get fed up. Look him in the eye and say, "I raise these children 24 hours a day and if I need some time to MYSELF, I am going to take it. These are YOUR children too and if it means you don't get to drink one night, that is for you to deal with. Goodbye". Man, I would be furious too! When he is sober I would tell him that you are really getting fed up! Working hard and making money is not all it takes to raise a family! Kids need a "father" too! Kids need their daddy sometimes to show them he cares! Stay strong and firm with him. good luck.

So sorry, M.. We all need to vent sometimes. Your husband is being extremely juvenile and you are taking everything on yourself. You should hand him the keys and the grocery list and tell him you're going to sit at home tonight and have a beer (of course, you don't really have to - you're just making a point)! Ask him why you can't relax 1 night a week when he gets to 7 nights a week. You may have already tried this... I hope things start to get better for you!

Most of the time we never want to hear the truth, specially coming from a complete stranger. Their is nothing for you to do, the problem is your HUSBAND and it will only get worst with time. Have you thought about attending a AA meeting? I think you should just to listen to other story's.

Personally if my husband ever cared more about a beer than me and our kids, I would divorce him. There is no real relationship from what I have read. I don't know your full history, but from this alone, me and the kids would be long gone. Anyone that wastes that much time, money, and energy on BEER is not worth keeping in my mind.

You have a bad situation here. =( I know you're just venting...so maybe every night isn't this bad. But your husband needs to be a dad and not just a provider. And since he's frustrated that you have plans when you go to church...invite him! I'm sure he can come!

But seriously, he apparently thinks you get "free" time and he doesn't. Does he get any free time? Aside from the drinking, it's healthy for both of you to have some alone time where you can work or relax or exercise or hang out with friends or whatever you want. We have a very busy life, but my husband gets Saturday mornings until noon. He can plan whatever he wants & doesn't have to check with me first. Maybe your husband needs something like that? You need it, too. And the beer certainly needs addressed. Like others have said, he needs to know that this is affecting his family. He can drink on his free night, for example, but not on Thursday nights (again, for example). Please do address this. Seek a counselor if he won't listen to you. Even if he refuses to go, the counselor will advise you on how to handle his behavior.

I hope you see God working through this trial in your marriage!

The setup you have is not working. It's a great strain on your husband and he is not handling it well. Can you at least go through some counseling to work this out and maybe it will help him handle the stress he feels. He is is keeping it inside and it is coming out in his drinking. Long term if you ignore this is not pretty. Do it while he still has good moments. Hopefully there is someone who is at the church that offer you services. Your eyes need to be on the future and preventing things from getting worse.

It is obvious that your husband has a drinking problem, but I also see an entitlement issue on his part. I think (just my opinion) that he thinks he works all day and you stay home so he is entitled to come home and unwind and get his buzz on. I was a stay at home mom so I know some men think it is sooooooo easy to be home all day with children. Some also think that when you aren't bringing money into the home your really not working, which is bull$$hit!!!!!! I would insist on counseling and not back down. It sounds like he also resents you staying home. TOO BAD!!! Your children deserve to have their dad everyday, not when it is convenient for him. Remember your sons will learn this behavior and think this is normal behavior for a man, to work, bring home the money, and then drink every night. You deserve more and they deserve more. Now I'm venting, Sorry!! Good luck!!

Yeah for sure he needs help. Does he understand how short of a time our babies are little??? For his sake I think you'll need to find a way to open his eyes to this...otherwise he's going to be miserable when they're grown and gone and he missed it. Not to mention that the children are growing up with an alcoholic father...they will remember that, even if he's not abusive or anything, but he's checked out every night and you're doing all of the parenting.

It would be one thing if he came home, played with the kids for a few hours, then relaxed with a beer or whatever. If the kids came first and the beer was just something he enjoyed. But from what you've described, the beer comes first and that's the scary thing.

Sounds like your hubs is a functional alcoholic. Hang in there hon and maybe look into a local alanon group. You will likely need some support.

What a bummer. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Maybe the next time you discuss you're husband's regular drinking with him and he says it's not a problem or he's not a "falling down drunk" say, "Well that may be true, however your desire to drink interferes with our family's activities. So therefore it IS a problem. If you don't have to drink, then don't. See if you can be happy with the kids and me without drinking at night."

Best wishes. I know you're just venting, so be strong.

Updated

What a bummer. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Maybe the next time you discuss you're husband's regular drinking with him and he says it's not a problem or he's not a "falling down drunk" say, "Well that may be true, however your desire to drink interferes with our family's activities. So therefore it IS a problem. If you don't have to drink, then don't. See if you can be happy with the kids and me without drinking at night."

Best wishes. I know you're just venting, so be strong.