My older sister has always been very needy. She makes poor decisions and then expects everyone to pick up the pieces for her. She thrives on drama and talks about everyone. In the past she has asked to borrow money from me; $10 here $20 there, usually for gas or something like that. Most of the time she paid me back but not all the time. I do alot for her, (she is single mother). I help her out for example give her daughter rides to and from work if my sister is not available, I have helped with her electric bill and food, my husband helps her out with thing around the house or her car etc...So, I feel like we are always there for her. By the way, she works.
So, I am sick of lending her money. I don't have much and what I do have is going toward my business. Last night she called me and asked if she could borrow $20 for gas and I said that I didn't have it. She then called my husband and asked him and he said he is short this week and can't lend her any money. She knows that my 11 year old daughter cashed in a bunch of change and has a little bit of money, so she is now asking me to ask my daughter if she can borrow the money from her. I didn't really respond, then later that evening she texted me asking if my daughter has any money. I did not respond, she has been calling all morning and I have not answered because I do not want her borrowing money from my 11 year old.
I feel guilty but at the same time, I think it is inappropriate for her to ask me to lend her my daughters money. I know that if she has the chance she will ask my daughter herself.
And, Family always does come first for me, however, my sister does not take responsibility for herself , why can't she budget for gas like everyone else does. I have gone above and beyond for her and she does not appreciate it. I have dug her out many many times and my husband and I are just tired of it. She frequently gives me little digs about clothes that I wear, my parenting or other things, I usually just ignore her because gettting in a fight with her is useless - she can get very nasty.
I know 10-20 dollars is not much to some people, but we are just getting over my husbands year long lay off, and me being out of work from a neck injury on top of trying to save every cent toward a business that we are starting.
So what do you think, am I being selfish by not giving her the money?
Thanks Moms! sometimes you jusy need a lttle validation for your feelings. Someone mentioned borderline personality and yes, she definately has some traits. This is not the first time that I have said no to her regarding money. She has been relentless, what really ticks me off is that she would ask my 11 year daughter.
She does cross the boundaries and I am sick of it. It is a hard situation because she is my only sister and both of our parents have passed, I have 3 brothers but 2 live out of state and 1 that is here not that close to. So I hate to have her out of my life, however, she is very toxic, a downer, very negative.
She has taught her daughter to spend, spend, spend, apparently her daughter doesn't have any money either. Who knows!
No one is helping her. You all are enabling her.
She is a grown up woman and needs to act like one.
Love her, but do not get pulled into her drama.
L.:
OH MY GOD!!! Stop the enabling!! Seriously!! She comes to you because she KNOWS you will "take care of her". You need to start the "tough love" program.
Give her books by Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. Take her to the local social services office and find out if she qualifies for State help. Unfortunately, I foresee her being a permanent member of that, if she's not already. sorry. I'm NOT trying to be rude. BUT OH MY GOD!! Asking my kid for money?? NO FREAKING WAY!!!
She doesn't budget because she doesn't HAVE to.
She isn't responsible because she DOES NOT HAVE BE!!!
You are NOT being selfish. I admit - I would take care of my sister - but my sister wouldn't ask my kids for money. And if my sister asks for help - she's in DIRE straits...that means she REALLY needs something....
The best thing you can do for your sister is tell her NO. And keep telling her NO. Seriously - give her budgeting books. But do NOT give her money anymore. PERIOD. End of story. At some point in her life, she's going to have to grow up. It will take longer if you keep giving her money and helping her.
good luck!
Just think - by the time she hounded all of you endlessly she could have EARNED $20 by cleaning out someone's garage, helping a house-bound senior, baby-sitting, dog-walking, etc.
I'm sorry I do not believe that siblings are *entitled* to be supported or financially aided by other siblings. When a true lightning strike happens it's nice for family to rally around, but for foreseeable events like gas money - HECK NO.
It sounds like family enmeshment. Learn to say no and live with the guilt (which is unearned by the way) and she will stop asking and you will stop feeling guilty.
Good luck.
ETA: I would rather starve in the street than ask my nieces/nephews for $$$$. Good grief.
You're not being selfish. You're being an enabler. The dynamic of your family is such that you have been conditioned to feel GUILTY when you set a boundary.
Learn to say no. And not explain. And not justify.
Sorry, I can't.
You're not being selfish. Stick to your "No" and don't let your 11yr old lend her aunt any money under any circumstances.
I'm sorry but you need to get more assertive with your sister. You are responsible for YOUR family. That is your husband and kids. Put her on notice that you will NOT be giving her anymore money period. I would also be very strong and tell her that if she asks your daughter for any money she will be cut off from the family for a period of time.
I have no use for users. Especially those who would use children. That is WRONG. You need to protect your daughter.
No I do not think you are being selfish. And I think it would be extremely rude and inappropriate for her to expect to take money from your daughter. My sister also leans on a lot of other people. I is tiring and I am glad I am too far away for me to be a big provider for her. You should not have to toatlly sacrifice yourself to support her. I can see helping out in an emergency but she needs to support herself and budget for her needs.
Stop ignoring her and tell her point blank that she can not borrow money from your child, and that if she ever asks her to she will have to deal with momma bear.
We have very similar sisters. I don't want to get into the details, but I would like to share with you the advice I was given. Approximately 5 years ago, my sister's behavior started impacting my marriage. My husband and I ended up in counseling. For me, a lot of the counseling was learning about how to set boundaries with my family - particularly my sister. I started by establishing rules (limits on lengths of phone calls and times of day, limits on types of things she could not talk about,etc.). Needless to say, this did not go over well. It all got turned around on me and how terrible I am as a sister. It is part of the mental illness. I told her that for us to continue to have a relationship that I need her to abide by these conditions. She was angry, tried, was beligerant, and then became an absolute monster when I began to have consequences for her failure to respect my life. In the end, I had to terminate all communication with my sister because of the toxicity. It is so hard and so sad. I long for the times when we got along, but my life has never been better. My house is so much calmer and happier because of the lack of constant drama. This is not to say that she doesn't still try to call, write, or get messages through other family members, but now I am in control. Next week I am going to my niece's graduation (my sister's daughter that lived with me for a good portion of her life). My sister will be there. In fact she booked her flight to arrive 1 hour before mine so that she can greet me and my mother at the airport (oh, and get a ride with us since I rented a car). I can't say no because I don't want to stress out my mom. I am completely stressed about it in one way, but in another I feel like a completely different, empowered person. I hope you are able to take control and set the boundaries because it is the only way that you will be able to find personal peace. It is not easy, often heartbreaking, but it will make you and your family unit stronger. Your sister's behavior is inappropriate and it is okay for you to tell her this and to tell her that she can't ask to borrow money again. Just make sure you are consistent because these people feed on weakness. Good luck.
Not selfish, but you have set up a pattern of behavior and she is now dependent on it. Instead of expecting her to set up a budget, help her set up a budget. Teach her the things that she obviously missed in fiscal responsibility. Tell her if she can't keep to the budget, you can't help her anymore with cash.
Then make it clear she is NEVER to ask you daughter for money, EVER. That is beyond rude and irresponsible.
You are not being selfish; your sister is!!! You have helped her waaaaay too much as it is. You need to have a face-to-face talk with her and be very firm in saying you are cutting her off. She's old enough to stand on her own two feet.
Does she get any help from her child's father? There are ways to make him pay. Also, if she really needs money, then she should apply for public assistance.
In the long run, all you've done is enabled her!! Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Good luck!!!
I think you are doing the right thing.
In fact, with her track record - I would never lend her another cent.
To ask for a CHILD'S money is just WAY over the line.
You (nor your husband nor your kids) are not her personal bank.
It's way past time for her to swim or sink on her own.
She needs to figure this out and you HAVE to stop helping her.
And if she keeps being nasty - stop talking/texting/communicating with her.
Once she realizes no one at your home is going to come forth with money she'll probably stop calling you anyway.
(Are you sure she doesn't have some sort of drug habit?
Looking for money from anyone/anywhere is something addicts do.
Warn your kids to lock up their money or put it in the bank for them.)
Not at all. I think you NEED to text back "No, and it is not appropriate for an adult to borrow money from a child. Please do not ask again".
You do not need to feel guilty. Can you change your way of thinking from guilt to "I am giving her a wonderful gift: I am no longer enabling her. By not lending her money, and by allowing her to find solutions for herself, I am giving her the opportunity to grow, I am helping our relationship in that I will not be resentful of her".
I would also give your husband and child a heads up. While your child does not need to know all the details, I think it would be appropriate for you to say something like, "honey, Aunt Phyllis may ask you for money sometime soon. I know that you love Aunt Phyllis however it is not appropriate for an adult to take money from a child. Also, why don't we go open a savings account for you today and deposit this so we can keep it safe?"
Time to lay down a boundary big time!
Okay-I am not usually harsh when I respond to things like this-but you have got to be kidding. It isn't just inappropriate for an adult to ask a child for money-it is disgusting and outrageous, and you as a parent need to not feel uncomfortable or even allow for the possibility of her-or HER daughter- putting your daughter in that position. Talk to your sister and in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS let her know that she IS NOT to bother your daughter again and to knock it off-and then STAND BY THAT-no matter what anyone else says! You will not be wrong, and the guilt trip of "family does come first" DOES NOT APPLY in this case.
There are takers, and there are givers, in every family. It's a role that becomes justified in each one's mind. However it's not an emotionally healthy role. Please know that you are responsible for yourself and your husband, and daughter. Your sister is responsible for herself. Give her the fishing pole so she can help feed herself, but not the fish so she can learn to take care of herself and her own daughter. Maybe you can suggest a part-time job for her in order to meet her needs or an adult ed course, or books as previously mentioned. It's highly inappropriate for your sister to ask for your daughter's money and let her know that she crossed a line by going behind your back and asking. Let her know that you don't trust her either because of this as there are consequences for her behavior. She sounds like she needs counseling as she seems to have never grown up. Good luck and please try to break the dependent/co dependent cycle that you and your sister have established. You are a good and generous person and your sister will feel better about herself once she realizes that she doesn't have to depend on anyone but herself.
thats sad sghe;d ask, but does she need it to get to work? If she doesnt have gas for work how will she get there? These arent your problems they are hers, but i wouldnt want her to end up missing work, getting fired and then living with M. either.
If I didnt have the money i would allow my daughter to decide for herslef without the aunt being involved in the conversation, but I would teach her its perfectly ok to say no if she's not willing to take the risk of possibly not getting it back.
If her daughter is old enough for you to drive her to work why cant she lend her the money?
Kids are taught all the time that they must obey adults, they are taught that adults are the authority and that they are to never say no.
So when an adult comes along and asks to borrow her money she is not able to ever say no. I suggest you tell your sister that your daughter has already spent the money on something so she'll leave her alone.
Never tell your sister anything about money your child does or does not have. Now that you know she'll try to take it away from her.
I think it's pretty sad that your sister called you then went to the backdoor to ask hubby then wanted to ask daughter. She's just a sad excuse for a person in my opinion.
I'd just tell her that she isn't to call your child at all. That's just low.
No, you are not being selfish. She works and needs to learn to live within her means. If you stand your ground this time, she may not be so relentless the next time. It's kind of like a kid that you've been letting get away with something. When you've finally had enough, they continue to push because they have always been allowed to get away with it.
You mentioned that you give her daughter a ride to work. I would suggest to her that she ask her own daughter for a loan.
I havent read all the responses yet, but just want to add as a parent of an 11 year old, your daughter is old enough to understand the situation. If it were me, I would say to my 11 year old "take your money and give it to me in an envelope so that you can say to your aunt 'I'm sorry, I no longer have that money' without having to lie to her". It is protecting her from someone who is probably hard for her to say no to.
Perhaps you don't know her. May I introduce you to Suze Orman?
http://www.suzeorman.com/
If you were talking to her, she would tell you, "No." You do not have the money to take care of your sister. You need to take care of yourself and your family before you take care of someone else.
Do you have your bills all paid off? Do you have 8 months worth of money you need to take care of all your bills during that amount of time in savings? I can''t remember the other questions she would ask you, but I imagine your answer to those two questions is NO, so NO, you may not give your sister money.
As for lending money to anyone, always take collateral before you hand out money. If they can't pay it back, you get to sell what they gave you and keep the money. So if you're going to take collateral, make sure it is something that you can get a full return of your money. If you don't want to get into the pawn business, send whoever is asking you for money to the local pawn shop. They have experience in such things. I've been burned by "friends" who borrowed money. Never again. If someone wants to borrow something, they have to fork over something and sign a paper in the presence of a witness saying they release ownership of it to me until they can pay me back within a designated amount of time. You can check with your lawyer on how to go about that.
Good luck!
No, you are not being selfish. You can offer suggestions where she can get a second job. You can suggest a garage sale. You can give her Dave Ramsey's total money makeover. But under No Circumstances should she ever be asking your child for money.
Dave would say, you can't fix people's money problems with money.
I have my suspicions about this behavior, especially with the gossip and guilting and few boundaries. Go to BPDfamily and look at the symptoms and even if it doesn't fit, look at the great lessons on communication and boundaries. You need some techniques to help you with a battle that's not going away. You are doing great saying, No. Empower your child to do so also. You are her example. You don't have to be destitute to say no to your sister. Your goals are putting in to place a financial foundation for your immediate family. Every adult should do it.
You are absolutely NOT being selfish! She is an adult with a job and with a daughter old enough to have a job as well. Even though it's 10-20 dollars at a time, it does add up overall and by giving in to her is just enabling her.
Text or call her and tell her that she will not be able to borrow money from your 11 year old. I would talk to your daughter too about this and have her let you know if your sister asks her for money. She may try to sneak and do it when you and your husband aren't around.
Perhaps offer to help her set up a budget. If she starts to fight or gets nasty, just ignore her and leave it at that. My thought too is that the comments about your clothes, parenting and other things is perhaps because she knows she's having to depend on you and your husband for things and may feel bad and/or jealous.
Your family is working to start a business after your own struggles. Nothing wrong with tell big sis "NO". If she needs it that badly she may start to budget better for the future.
Good Luck!
