I am not one to get into gossip or arguments with my friends, most of my friends and I have respect for each other and are differences. I do not remember ever getting into an argument with a friend. However, recently a friend reacted to something that has really upset me and has made me feel that maby we don't have the mutal respect that I thought we had. I know this is petty, but It continues to bother me:
I am good friends with 2 mothers in my neighborhood. Both have daughters the same age as my daughter and the three of them are friends. One of the woman, Sue and I are more close and my daughter is more close to her daughter. Last year, while on the bus, my daughter stuck her tongue out at Sue's daughter and her daughter had very hurt feelings. When Sue told me about the incident she made a very big deal about it, I apologized and talked to my daughter about it, My daughter admitted it and then apologiged to Sue's daughter, (I am not the type of mother that will say not my kid) End of story. Recently Sues daughter and the other moms daugher and several older boys on the bus were teasing my daughter. My daughter came home hysterical crying and when I found out what happened. I checked with some other kids in the neighborhood, kids who are neutral to the situation and they collaborated my daughters story to the word. When I called the first mom and told her what happened she was very nice and said that it sounded like things that her daughter has been saying to her brother and she would talk to her daughter about it. When I called Sue about the incident, she brought up somethint that my duaghter did about 2 years ago and Then kind of brushed me off and never even talked to her daughter about it. I know this because the next day when the three of us were outside talking the first mother said that she talked to her daughter about it and Sue said oh my daughter was sleeping. I know that she never talked to her daughter. This bugs me because, my daughter had such hurt feelings and she made such a big deal about things my daughter does and I never complain about anything that her daughter does. And she thinks her kids can do no wrong. I really like her and know that I have to let this go. How do I stop my feelings about this..
Thanks everyone, I just needed to vent. Your answers really helped. Really, I am not upset about the girls getting into a squabble, I would let that go, because it was a group of kids ganging up on my daughter, I felt it needed to be addressed, if it was just a squabble between the 2 girls, I would not have even called. Your answers have really let me put that in perspective and as one mom suggested, if there is a next time, I will have my daughter report to the principal, then it will have to be addressed. Now that I have vented and received some really good advise, I do feel better, I just had to get it off my chest and like I said, I don't really want to bad mouth Sue to the other neighbors.
There is not much you can do except learn from this experience. We can't change the past but we can learn from it. Next time, just let the kids work it out amongst themselves. Mommies have a tendency to shelter their children and it is all part of the growing experience.
In our house when a child is "ugly " to one of mine I just say Oh well. You don't have to be their friend go find someone else.
You and your daughter do not have to be Sue's and her daughter's friend, go play with someone else.
If Sue want's to be a true friend she will ask why you aren't on the best of terms, then you can have your say. In the meantime go your own way.
L.,
I am going to take this in an entirely different direction. If something happens on the bus, school rules apply. I would bet you tons of money I don't have that your school, like almost every school in the country, has a district bullying policy. Schools are taking this a little more seriously these days.
Find out what the policy is and make a report to the appropriate person in the district. Bullying is a real problem, and "making fun" is part of that issue. Groups who gang up on one kid are dangerous, and if her "friends" were involved, they are not her friends. All of the children involved need to be counseled, even your daughter and the bystanders who watched and wondered what to do about it.
I would say your mistake was ever calling parents in the first place. It happend on the schools watch, let them dole out the punishment and document the problem they have brewing and do all the notifiying. Every horrible situation starts with something small, and victims and bullies both deserve for schools to deal with it before it becomes more serious.
M.
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
L.,
Do you understand if you did not want to badmouth someone on a well known site (probably a site you have shared with others who know this woman), you would have refrained from using her name? SOMETHING TO PONDER WHILE WALKING DOWN "Gossip Lane".
Blessings...
L.,
“I’m not one to gossip”
These are the famous last words just before one usually goes down the dreaded and dangerous “Gossip Lane.”
Children who are the best of friends have squabbles all the time and do rude things. Some parents get too evolved in the resolution of an incident that the children themselves would have forgotten about (practically overnight), if one parent or the other would just drop it.
I’m not saying that a child should not be taught to apologize when one is in order. I am saying let the punishment fit the crime…and then let it go.
If you really like this other mama, let it go. If it’s just festering away, maybe you don’t like her as much as you thought and maybe she's not that into your friendship.
Blessings…..
Just stop. You did your part, your daughter did her part, now it is Sue's problem.. Maybe she is high maintenance and you will have to accept this. Maybe she was PMSing.
We are a very close neighborhood with lots of strong personalities, we just love each other as we are and do not read anything into anyone else, it saves a lot of hurt feeling..
Breath in, Breath out.... there it is all gone..
Time cures a lot of things. Eiter let go of it or tell your friend of your concerns and let go of it. Or better still, complain to your husband or Ann Landers' replacement, or Dr. Phil and then forget it. Be the grown up and forget it.
This is so petty that its not worth the worry or loosing the friendship.
Good luck on your new amnesia.
Since you all stand outside and talk to eachother, maybe next time Sue's daughter is there I would say to her, hey, I just wanted to mention you really hurt my daughters feelings on the bus and I want you to know that she likes being friends with you and we all need to be nice and get along. Something along those lines. If the mom won't say anything to her, I wouldn't have a problem saying something to her. Good luck.
Yikes – neighborhood politics get really, really complicated when parents add their own layer of opinions, hurt feelings, cheerleading, coaching, and backroom negotiations.
It's great to coach your kids about what's proper, what's good manners, how to be a friend, when to back off, etc. But kids learn more from our example than from our words, and if they hear us calling foul, carrying grudges, or murmuring about what Ms. X is doing wrong, that's what we're teaching them to do, in reality.
Wouldn't it make more sense to talk to our kids about some simple truths: people are not always nice to each other. We're not always nice, either. People often do the wrong thing. We ourselves make mistakes all the time. We don't have to take everything personally. It's okay to feel sad or angry as long as we really need to, but then it's fabulous to get over it, forgive, and get on with your friendships.
People generally believe that other people hurt our feelings, but in truth, we hurt our own feelings with our thoughts and beliefs. Ideally, growing up is about learning who we really are and finding our own internal compass, our own sense value and authority. Unfortunately, many adults have been taught (and model this belief to our children) that an insulting remark or gesture marks us as unworthy or unlikeable.
Does our sense of worth really come from outside us? It's a question well worth pondering.
I'd like to add, after reading Martha's comment below, that your daughter could have been the victim of bullying, and if she felt threatened or publicly humiliated, that is quite another matter. There is sometimes a fine line between teasing and bullying. Ganging up on one child often crosses than line.
L.,
Welcome to Wally World. ;-) I learned a long time ago no to get involved with the other parents or my kids friendships/arguments. When my daughter was little and at Cook Hill School she had a very similar situation of which I approached the girls mother. What shocked me more was the response of this mother. My daughter was born with a birthmark on the side of her face which her daughter started making fun of and included a few of the other girls in their class, this mother decided to tell me that I need to "get that thing removed" so that my daughter would not be such a freak anymore. It is bad enough when kids make comments but an adult whom you thought was a dear friend, that is sad, disgusting and immature. It makes you realize where these girls get their behavior. My daughter is now 27 and is such a wonderful daughter, friend, and sister to her five younger brothers. My youngest is now 11 and at the same school and yes he gets picked on, only now he has the support of his best supporter, his sister. When it started with my son I called the principal rather than the parent and got much farther. My suggestion to you is to not bother with the mother next time, call the school principal if the teasing occurs either during school or on the bus. Wallingford is big on stopping bullying, though I don't know how it will be next year when my son starts at Moran and my 14 year old starts at Sheehan; keeping my fingers crossed for both of us.
Hi L.!
I have 3 children well really 1 now the other two are 18 and 19 and they all went through this. It's really a simple thing and I feel as parents we actually hold the grudge the longest, many times our kids forget about it and go on being friends and we as parents are standing there holding the bag.
It's best most of the time when this happens to tell your child that you understand how they feel because all kids say things like this at times because they hear it on t.v. or hear someone else say it but really they may not even know what it means. I would recommend just telling your child something like "they must be having a bad day today, you know how she really feels about you and then bring up something that was a good memory and talk about that, before you know it they will have forgotten all about it.
These are those little wars we have to let our kids work out and really it does hurt us worse than it does them. My dad always taught us that when we were little and I have 4 sisters. He was right, I used the same steps with my kids and it always works itself out.
You be the grown up when you see these other parents and act as if nothing ever happen, teach them a lesson sister! Now if it gets really crazy write us back and we can help out then as well :) As a parent we all want to protect our kids in every way we can and God knows I have, but really it's just not big of a deal you will see. Don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff, is a great book to read. All short stories and really makes you think about life and how we look at things. Your children will be stronger for it and this will teach them to stand up and take what the world is going to give them, and you know it really does make you proud when you see your child walk away from a fight, or when someone is making fun of them. Just give them big hugs and tell them how proud you are of them because that's all that really matters.
Take care honey! It will be okay, they will forget about it before you will :)
B. C
