Hi Moms and Dads,
Long time no see. For those of you who remember me, I'm the young mom who was eagerly trying to get pregnant one year ago. I'm not sure what my question is just yet, I think I just need to get some heavy things off of my chest.
It has been a rough year to say the least. The roughest year of my life.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a year. So many hard things were going on in our lives last year... I was struggling through my bachelor's program and running my own company, my husband was facing added stress at work, we were trying to support his grandparents, we were being sued by my former best friend...and all of the stress was just too toxic for our own needs. Then, around early October I thought I was finally pregnant and then the worst thing happened.
My brother-in-law unexpectedly passed away. I was numb... completely in shock. It was completely unreal, I couldn't believe what was happening. We flew to my in-laws to arrange the funeral and while we were there I started spotting and then heavily bleeding. To this day I don't know if it was an out-of-place period (I thought stress hindered periods, not bring them on) or if I was having an early miscarriage. Either way I knew my body and mind were not in the right state to carry a baby. Was this God's way of saying, "Not now."? I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep - I dropped below 90 pounds in the months to follow his death.
It was after my BIL passed away that my husband was even more determined to have a baby. He couldn't imagine our daugther growing up without the love of a sibling. I knew I had to get it together because there was no way my body was going to carry a baby like that. I tried to meditate and find God to cope with my brother-in-law's death so my mind would be at peace and the stress would not overwhelm me every single day. I forced myself to eat and was able to climb to 100 pounds (my weight at the beginning of my first pregnancy).
We started trying again in January, and around mid-February I got my period (what's new)... and... a phone call from my other BIL that he and his girlfriend are pregnant. I was so happy for them - and so jealous. I thought to myself, why them and not us? It wasn't fair.
Now, I am about a week away from my period and I am experiencing sensitivity to smell, fatigue, and breast tenderness. Part of me feels excited that this might be "it" although I don't want to get my hopes up...and if it is, I feel almost guilty. If I get pregnant now, I feel like I will be taking away the spotlight that should be on my BIL and his gf. I know I know, I shouldn't even worry about that, hell I don't even know if I really AM pregnant. I don't even know why I am writing any of this at all.
I just need some input. How am I supposed to cope with this loss in a healthy way that won't poison my body? If I am pregnant, how can I share this news without taking away from my BIL's moment? This is his first baby and they deserve all of the love and attention we received when we were pregnant with our first. I would also appreciate any resources for grief/bereavement support groups. I have never been a religious person but we are certainly trying to find God in all of this and religious resources are appreciated as well.
Thank you in advance and I apologize that I am sort of all over the place.
~ALIEN
FYI Dana, no one knows we have been trying. We have had such a hard time that we didn't want anyone getting their hopes up. I didn't tell anyone about what happened in October, I just told my husband that I got my period and left it at that.
ETA*****
Missy, I would never make a loved one's death about me. I did not stop eating by choice? Either you don't understand what it is like, or you have misinterpreted my statement. I have battled my pain as silently as possible so not to bring more pain to my husband - it was his baby brother and as much as I considered him my baby brother, I could never fully know the pain my husband feels and it would be selfish of me to make any of this situation about me.
I appreciate all of the input this community has brought me, especially the private messages. We have joined a support group and are working with the rest of the family to put together a legacy for my BIL to celebrate his short life and carry on his dreams he had.
Also, I am late on my period but tested negative with a HPT. I will wait a few more days before I test again and schedule an appointment.
Once again, thank you all for the input, love, and prayers.
~ALIEN
If you are pregnant, it will NOT take away from your BIL's moment. There would then be 2 joyous occasions. You would not be taking away their spotlight - it would be a different spotlight :)
I googled "grief support for siblings" and a website called "compassionate friends" came up. I saw online support and other things - perhaps this can help you in your time.
Alien:
First off - I am truly sorry for the loss in your life....an obviously beloved brother in law, a best friend and then possibly a baby. My heart goes out to you. HUGS.
You are writing this because you need to get it off your chest.
You need to place to vent. Where people don't know you personally and will give you their life experience. You will be able to read it at your own pace, instead of someone TALKING with you or TO you about it. You can absorb what you want to and walk away from what you don't need....unlike in-person....
Now, IF you are pregnant - wait. Wait until you are about 12 weeks to announce. Please do NOT stress over whether or not you will carry to term or poison your baby while dealing with grief, loss, stress...all the things you are dealing with in life.
If you are not pregnant - I can say - press on. Forget about TRYING to have a baby and just have FUN sex. Not planned sex. Not "it's TIME" sex...just FUN sex. Relax. There are things you cannot control and this is one of them. Your body might be fighting you to get pregnant. our bodies are amazing vessels...and know what our bodies can and cannot handle.
What I would suggest you do? Find an outlet for your stress - whether it be working out, walking, etc. but something like that. Then start keeping a journal of your feelings, day, etc. so that you can express it and hold it all bottled up inside. Make sure you include all that your are grateful for...it does make a difference...I promise you that.
I wish you serenity. I wish you peace. I pray your brother in law's memory is eternal. Good luck!!
Personally, I think you can't get pregnant because you think and stress too much. Best to not try and let it go. If you do, you do. If you don't, you aren't putting your one child through a time when she sees you mom stressed. She deserves better and I know you are hiding it from her but she knows.
As for the BIL, the best part of being pregnant was being pregnant with someone else. If you are, call them and tell them you are too and be excited and bond with his gf. She'll be scared and you've gone through it before. Like all new moms we like to hear experiences but we dont' like too much advice. =D
That is a lot to deal with. I just want to add that when I was pregnant with my one and only daughter, my sister in law discovered she was pregnant with her second - unexpectedly. We got pregnant at almost the exact time and had due dates that were within days of each other. At no time during our pregnancies did I ever feel that her pregnancy was taking away from my "first" time. There was no competition at all and it wasn't even a thought in my head. Please, please don't feel that this would be a bad thing. People are HAPPY about babies - all of them. Relax, take care of yourself, rest in God's love and best of luck to you.
I empathize with you completely. I lost my beloved grandmother and had a miscarriage within a week of each other. It took many months to get pregnant again because I just wasn't ready. The stress, everything, was just too much during that time. One loss is devastation, but when you are dealing with two losses, your body and soul really take a hit.
My advice is try not to worry so much. Find something that relaxes you, makes you feel at peace. For me, it was music. I listened to the same song at least 100 times- it just spoke to me and situation. If you are pregnant, it's a wonderful thing and the family will be blessed with two new additions. There can be more than one spotlight! That is no way anything to feel guilty about. If you aren't, keep your chin up and don't give up hope. I know that anxiousness that I felt when others were getting pregnant and I wasn't. But it did happen for me and it will for you too.
Here's a great resource for checking out church from the comfort of your home! Hope you'll visit http://www.lakepointe.org/live/information.aspx
PS - the Easter services are also available online
Saturday, March 30 • 4 pm & 6 pm
Sunday, March 31 • 9 am & 11 am
Romans 8:28
If your family knows you and your husband have been trying for over a year and that you might have miscarried due to stress (yes, it is possible), but that you are actually finally pregnant (when you find out for sure), I should hope your BIL and his girlfriend would be able to share the spotlight a little.
As for grieveing, all I can tell you is what my belief system says. Those who die with in the "faith" are in a paradise. Happy, whole and waiting.
You'll see them again.
Even for someone without the same faith as myself, I know some take comfort in memories of their loved one. Remembering keeps that person close. As long as you remember him and the love and light he brought into your lives, he's not gone.
If you can, take an hour every day, sit be still and meditate/pray. Calm your mind and your body.
Good luck to you!
ETA: I see. I still hope that your family can share. Babies are wonderful. You're not alone, I believe I miscarried back in Nov of 2011 but by Feb 2012 I was pregnant again. I have a beautiful baby boy now. If you miscarried, then I believe that baby is still waiting to meet you. If you are pregnant now, I think waiting 12 weeks is a good idea, if you aren't then keep trying. In the mean time your BIL and his GF can have all the attention while you keep having fun and loving on your husband.
I think you need to see a therapist.
I know this is long, but if nothing else, please read the last paragraph.
I'm a firm believer that things happen in God's time. I have some good friends that started trying to get pregnant, the same time that my husband and I did. I was about 4 months along when she miscarried. . . for the first time.
Over the next four years, they went through various tests, IUI's, IVF's, one tubal pregnancy, and countless miscarriages. They were exhausted - physically, emotionally, and financially.
They had given up. They were going to take at least a year off of the IVF treatments to rest her body and pay the mounting bills for prior treatments. In the mean time, her husband started his own business from the ground-up.
A few months later, she went in for her annual checkup, and was asked the standard question, "when was your last period?" It had been 4 or 5 weeks earlier, and she thought nothing of it, because a 5-6 week cycle was not uncommon. Her OB/GYN snuck in a pregnancy test, and low-and-behold, she was indeed pregnant.
Six years later, they have two healthy, happy girls (both conceived naturally), and they'd be happy if a third comes along. They know now that they were trying to get pregnant on their own terms, in their own time, not God's time. (And I think it helped that they took the pressure off of themselves, kind of like the people that get pregnant when they go on a romantic cruise or adopt a baby).
This may or may not be God's time for you. If it is, you shouldn't feel guilty about taking attention away from your brother-in-law and his girlfriend. (Two babies are even better than one!) But if it's not time, don't be discouraged, and please don't beat yourself up every month when your period comes or the test reads negative.
Enjoy this time with your daughter, because when a second baby comes, it changes things - BIGTIME. And if a second one never does actually come, I promise that your daughter won't be scarred for life. Seeing you and your husband stressed and unhappy will do far more damage than growing up without a sibling. VERY IMPORTANT: Take time regularly to reconnect with your husband. Remember that you married him -for him- and that babies are just a bonus.
well if your pregnant i wouldnt mention it till your a few months a long. however your mind can psych you out when you want something really bad. it can cause you to have symptoms. it sounds like you have a little ways to go before your really ready to carry a baby.
Stress is the worst time to be pregnant. Grief is NOT. Grief is okay. It is a perfectly natural emotion, and it doesn't carry all the tension that stress does. The trick, is letting yourself DO it. Whatever helps. Find a therapist. Cry. Scream. Eat a gallon of ice cream. Go for a hike. Anything that helps get it OUT. Keeping your grief IN - is contributing to your stress. During my last pregnancy, I sat by my grandfather's death bed, held my mom's hand through the funeral prep and literally held up his live-in g/f during the funeral, and mediated while his children fought over his estate. Grief happens, and it's okay.
If you are pregnant:
My sil was pregnant at the same time I was - for both of my kids. I would suggest you tell your BIL and his wife/gf first - and give them a couple of days to sit on the news, before you tell everyone else.
And it's fantastic! When my brother and I were growing up, family occasions were painfully boring - all of our cousins were either considerably older, or considerably younger than us. But now, our kids always have someone to play with, and the chaos of having two sets of kids playing with and off of each other is priceless! So, as a veteran, it will be up to you to deflect any spotlight of pregnancy back onto NOT your BIL, but his wife/gf - and just happily look forward to the cousins having each other.
Sending prayers your way.
I do not understand what you mean about coping with your brother in laws death without poisoning your body? You are making your BIL death about you and it is not. You stopped eating?
You worry way too much... If you want a baby and end up pregnant then who cares what your other BIL and his "girlfriend" do or think?
Good Lord just live your life.
I would definitely suggest counseling. You are trying to control outer circumstances like death and pregnancy when you can't. It is what it is...
Check into Byron Katie's stuff on line, called The Work...
