Unwanted Gifts

I would put them all in a box in the attic and call CASA. This time of year they are looking for gifts for foster kids and they'd love those new toys!

My late SIL used to do the same thing. Even though we said things or asked her to stop she wouldn't. It was just her nature to buy anything and everything for our kids. So simply we would regift, store the items until they were older and age appropriate or we would donate to charity. She was giving and generous and was overboard. Since her passing 2 years ago I'd give anything for her to show up with all the balloons and worthless knick knacks just so we could be with her she really did mean well. Please take it in your stride.

Keep doing what you're doing, and if it's an In-Law, your husband needs to take the lead and lay down the law, rules, common sense info on this.

If she is continuing to get your daughter gifts that you have asked her not to get, then she is clearly not respecting your wishes. In those cases, I have no qualms about telling the person, "this is one of the things that I told you our daughter can't have/doesn't need. I'm going to give it back to you. You can either take it back and return it, or I'll be donating it to goodwill. We don't need or have room for anymore of this stuff". If she won't take it back, donate it and don't be shy about telling her when she comes over. Maybe eventually she'll realize she's wasting her money. I had a situation like this with one of our relatives. He was was constantly getting our kids obnoxious toys and thought it was so funny when I'd get pissed, so I finally just threw it all out and told him when he asked about it. I told him I'd throw anything else like that out immediately. He finally stopped.

is she doing this to get the love from the child. is this her way of showing love? if this is the reason you should get her to find you tube videos they can watch together. your husband needs to be the one to tell her to stop. and he needs to be firm about it and offer a solution (more play time, movie night together with a RENTED movie (cheese puffs not pop corn) play date at the park. time spent together not stuff given ) in the long run she will remember the time more than the things. what if you started a collection for her. like preciouse moments (spelling and those r out of date but u get the idea) perhaps there is something more age apperoperiate she can give your daughter?

please donate the stuff that you get rid of instead of tossing it out. we often put stuff on our side walk with a free sign on it. when we dont have time to run to the store.

I'm rather assuming that this family member is an older person... ?

And that can sometimes be hard. You might need to write her a letter, so she can read it more than once. "Aunt Lizzie, we appreciate all the attention you give our daughter. It's not every girl who has a great-aunt like you! Some of the things you give her have to be saved for when she's older, because then she can enjoy them safely. She can enjoy the Pez and the Legos when she's three or four; they aren't safe for a baby. Do you know what the best thing to give her is? YOU! She loves to see you - she doesn't even need you to bring things. She'd rather play with you." Or something like that. Try to suggest safe substitutes for what the relative is bringing now, and emphasize that is it she who is important, not what she has in her hands when she comes.

It could be that giving things is this person's way to say, "I love you," and that's a hard habit to stop.

I find things for my grandchildren, but the rule is that I don't get them anything that can't go somewhere else! I'm a thrift store shopper, and I know I've saved the parents some money on clothing and toys. But, after keeping what they really love of these things, they can pass the other items on to their friends or to people they know who need them.

It sounds like there's a power struggle going on here. Pick your battles. It's one thing if she is giving you things that you simply don't want (books, stuffed animals, clothes). There certainly is a more gracious way to deal with that than throwing her gifts away. You know that she is going to wonder where they are, so just keep them prominently displayed on a (high) shelf when she comes over.

The safety issue is separate. But your child is young and presumably won't open the gifts without you. You can just say, "Oh, this will be so much fun for her when she is older!" and then put it away. She knows how you feel. She doesn't care. I wouldn't bother arguing with her anymore.

Well, really, you cannot "dictate" gifts. You can suggest IF asked what you would like her to get.
If this person insists on ignoring your gentle reminders about what is not appropriate--DONATE the stuff.
Too bad if it's gone when she DEMANDS to see it!
A reasonable person would "get it" after a time or two, don't you think?
(Who "complains" to a 1 year old? That's a little nutso.)

If you have addressed this with her before and she has failed to listen there is nothing else you can do except hand her the gifts back as soon as they are handed to you unopened and tell her again, No thank you. When she asks why tell her that your child suffers from disappointment when you have to take age inappropriate things away from her every time so you are not going to let her take the gift to open.

Other than that I would keep the gift in the top of the closet and use it for a gift for some other child. Free birthday gifts or donations.

Stop telling her what to get and not to get and stop "explaining" things to her. It's probably coming off as condescending. It's not making a difference in what she's purchasing and bringing since she's still not paying attention to safety labels or age indications. Instead she's continuing to show you that she can spend her gift-giving money any old way she pleases and she's probably pissed off that you're not being appreciative.

Smile and nod. Keep the nice and appropriate gifts, and donate the rest to a shelter or food bank (our food bank also takes toys, books, blankets, etc). When she "demands" to see the gifts the next time she comes show her what's there. If you donated something she gave, then you can say, "Oh, was that from you? We were cleaning up and doing our monthly collection for the local shelter. We're always accumulating so many baby things and she outgrows them so quickly that we figure the women in the shelter will appreciate them. It's much more environmentally friendly than just throwing them away."

If this family member is close enough to your husband to complain about you like this (which is a big no-no and also makes me ask: Does your husband back you up and defend you on the safety issues? If not, that's a bigger problem you and he have to address), then this family member is pretty close. Also if she likes to complain that you "hate her" there must be other issues here besides this issue with toys. Where is your husband in all this?

You have tried the approach of talking about what would be appropriate. Hard to know how you addressed it or how you phrased it; be open to the idea that maybe you could have been more diplomatic. But it's done now, and I would just smile and say thanks profusely whenever that person gives a gift; put it away; and when you know the person is coming over, either get it out or say, "Oh, we're giving that to (child) in a few months when he's ready for it and I'm sure he'll love it." Be sure she sees child playing with it in a few months, too. This is not worth a permanent rift in a family but if that's going to happen, ensure that SHE, not you, is the one who is in the wrong.

Also, consider -- is this an older relative, who may be just clueless about the entire concept of safety and age appropriateness in toys? Some older folks just never had that idea in their own lives or their kids' lives and figure, "My kids grew up just fine with Pez (etc.) and she's being too strict, too worried." You cannot change that mind-set. If that's the case, just put the things away and get them out when needed to placate the relative. Others will post to blast her hard for not listening to you, but honestly, is this worth a huge rift when you can just lock up the toys?

Reiterate that you appreciate her generosity for your children, but you will be unable to accept or keep gifts that are not appropriate for them. You and DH need to be on the same page and he should cut off her complaints with, "Well, Sis (or whoever it is), we have tried to steer you toward things Sally can have, so if you want her to keep your gifts, you need to pay attention to what her parents are telling you. Momto1.5 doesn't hate you, but we (use WE) are frustrated that we have to take toys because you keep getting things Sally can't have."

My DD is my mom's first grandbaby (the sks were not babies when she met them) so she went a little crazy. I had to tell her that we loved her gifts, but we were out of room for any more big things, like an art easel. She's done much better lately.

obviously this isn't someone you can just avoid, so your best bet is probably to be patient and inexorable. 'thanks, aunt jean, you sure do love our little petula, don't you?' if it's something that's safe and just unwanted, accept it and donate it, and if she asks about it later just say 'we have limited space so have to keep her toys/clothes to a minimum, but she really enjoyed it/looked cute in it.' if it's a pez dispenser just keep doing what you're doing but don't engage with her. 'sorry, that's not appropriate for her age' and that's it. she can complain to dh all she wants. i'm sure he backs you up, right?
khairete
S.