What Should I Do If a Parent Asks Us NOT to Bring a Birthday Present?

I'd say she made it clear not to bring a gift...bring a bunch of balloons or a really cool cake instead.

Im thinking something to eat, but there is plenty of that there, and we all know how we overdo food these days.

How about a great zany kids card? = respecting wishes, kid's happy.

I discovered, in a similar situation, that the perfect gift is a great big shiny balloon ~ they have elmo, trucks, and other fun shapes at the super market and/or iparty, etc. You could even add a couple of smaller ones - a two year old will love it!!

I think you have to honor her request!! If you feel comfortable, ask her if she has a particular reason - as long as you don't sound confrontational. She may be thinking of the economy, or not want to turn her child into a gift freak. Little ones definitely don't understand gifts or their absence anyway. I never liked huge birthday parties with 30 kids bringing gifts - I never wanted my child to receive such a windfall and have the others sit there for an hour while 30 gifts got opened that they couldn't play with. So we never did that - we just had very small parties of "age equals guests" - when he was 5, he got to ask 5 kids. At 7, he invited 7. And so on. By the time he was 8, he wanted to do more expensive things like go candlepin bowling or to the movies, so we invited 2-3 kids, whatever we could fit in our car!

I would absolutely not bring anything at all, even a "small token", against her wishes. It's insulting to her.
I wouldn't even do the donation until you know more about her reasons.

I'd also look at the positives of not exchanging gifts - making birthdays about celebrations of family and friends, enjoying each other's company and hospitality, and so on. So many birthdays, like so many holidays, have become giant gift fests with a lot of expense and a lot of stress, and for many people it sends the wrong message. A lot of people are going back to simpler times, avoiding the big expensive extravaganzas with clowns and ponies and elaborate centerpieces/themes, and just doing simple party games like in the "old days". Instead of seeing it as a problem, it's nice to look at it as a refreshing opportunity!

Enjoy the giftless day!

As a parent of two you should know what its like to have all those toys and such around. I would talk to you sister and ask her why, Then explain to her your feelings. With that I would ASK her if she would mind if you got your nephew a savings bond. All of us could use alittle bit of help with college savings. If they are lucky enough to be able to pay for college then your nephew maybe able to buy his first car with the bonds. I have a VERY large(8 Kids)close family and we have all started to buy savings bonds for the kids.

I came across this website in Parents magazine (I think). It looks like a great idea!

www.echoage.com

A donation is made by each party-goer and half the money goes towards one gift for the birthday child and the other half goes to a charity that you select.

Perhaps you can check it out and share it with your sister. Sounds like the best of both worlds.

I read about it too late for my son's party this year, but I definitely plan to try it next year!
I would love to know anyone's personal experience with this too!

www.echoage.com

Like she asked, you should NOT bring a gift. I wouldn't even bring a homemade gift or balloon- Other people at the party who ARE adhering to her request would feel terrible. It's her kid, her party, let her do it her way and the discomfort you feel is about YOU, not your nephew feeling neglected. In fact, if you do bring something and nobody else does, what might he think of the others?

My SIl did this to us too and we felt horrible, but we wanted to respect her wishes. I suggest having your children make something for your nephew and then take the money that you would have spent on a gift and buy kids art stuff and donate it to a woman's shelter. They are always looking for items and its a win-win for everyone

L.,

There are a lot of things you can do. You can one not get anything or do something like the following. A card - one that you can record your voices on and sign happy birthday to your nephew. A ballon - I don't know a kid yet that doesn't like a ballon. And depending on what you want to spend anything from a donation to the children's hospital or any other charity or books to a charity is his name. Also you can get a family give. Something the whole family can enjoy and partake in. A membership to the science museum, children's museum, aquarium or zoo or a gym near there house maybe with a pool.

Good luck,
L. M

I have considered doing the same thing for my kids, they get SO much stuff!
If you feel bad, why dont you offer to help your sister out with the party by helping with before/after cleaning or bringing some food

I was goign to suggest a saving bond as well and also another idea, take him to the zoo or museum. Ask to make a special day with his cousins. Or if taking him doesn't work get him a gift card to go there.

M.

I agree w/ jennifer a savings bond is a great idea for the child that has everything your sister probably says not to get him anything because she already has too many toys and doesn't feel the need for more.

I know when my child was that age the house was full of toys. I used to ask the same from guests who were invited to her birthdays.

If you still feel the need to bring a gift put a little bit of cash in a birthday card. Maybe his mom can take him out somewhere special with it or start a little college fund.
Better yet write in the card that you want to take him somewhere special... like for icecream.

Have fun at the party

In the past, I've either made a donation in the person's name to a charitable organization that would mean something for them, or given them a KIVA gift certificate. I realize that the two-year-old would probably not understand KIVA, but perhaps your sister would. Kiva is an organization that makes microloans to individuals in third world and developing countries to help them start a business. The individual pays back the loan over a period of time (usually around 18 months) and you are sent updates about how the individual's company is doing. It's really fun, moving and inspiring way to do good.

So there's one thought....

Hi L.,
I would just ask your sister why she does not want presents. It may be that she is already overloaded with toys and is running out of room, which I can completely understand. Maybe a savings bond would be nice, or a gift card to whatever photographer she uses for him. If it is just a problem with too many toys, there are tons of other gifts that would be great.

I would respect her wishes for no gifts. Once, my son and I made a batch of cookies to bring to a party when no gifts had been requested and that seemed OK. They get eaten, there's no wrapping paper...I like the ideas of a card with a few stickers in it, too.

If I were hosting a party and requested no gifts be brought, then I would expect to have my request honored and for people to not bring presents.
Are you the only one attending who has been asked to not bring a present?
Perhaps your sister has a purpose in her request...perhaps she wants her son to simply enjoy his friends sharing his birthday with him, yes?
Perhaps the little boy has so many things now , your sister just does not want him to have more.
If you feel so obligated to present him, then perhaps later you could get him a savings bond...a fifty dollar bond costs twenty five dollars.
Or you could do as your sister asked you and not bring anything except yourself and your son, yes?
Sometimes the gift of your presence is gift enough and a blessed one at that.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

YES! Completely respect her wishes. In my situation everyone gets gifts that I end up having to through them out or sell in a yard sale. I prefer more organic toys which are more expensive. Or they just have so MUCH I don't want anymore.
So a gift certificate or savings bond is an better alternative gift.
Their maybe other motives for this but honestly the alternatives I mentioned would be the only I would go in your position.

I would get him a suscription to a kids mag. I get a nature one for my daughter and she loves it. We look at the pic and talk about the animals. Also take him out for a fun day just the two of you. My friends son loved it when we did that. Good luck.

Hi L.,
I think a good idea in this case would be a savings bond. You will need your nephew's social security number and mailing address. Your bank can issue it - it is very easy. These are great gifts when the parents say no gifts (technically it is a gift for his future) and when the child has everything. I have given many over the years and they are well received. Enjoy the party.

I would definitely be inclined to respect the wishes of the mother. If you are wanting to teach YOUR children about giving, you could ask if a homemade gift or card would be all right. If you are wanting to make a connection with your niece/nephew, I think the idea one person suggested that you make a date to take your niece/nephew out somewhere. That's a gift to the 2 year old AND the Mom!
Good luck,

My friend also wrote "no gifts please" on her son's invite-but I had already bought him something. I think that the easist thing to do is to give the gift at another time (other than the actual party)Bring it with you though in case other people brought a gift. Most times people don't listen to the "no gifts", especially when it's a kids birthday party. Good luck and don't feel bad about generosity! Kids love gifts!

Hi L.,

At two your nephew really doesn't "get it". Your sister probably doesn't want her two year old overwhelmed. If you really want to give something, get a gift card to a store your sister likes to shop at and she can get something for your nephew at a later date when he can more appreciate it.

J. L.

It would be best to respect her wishes & no gifts. Kids get WAY too many toys & clothes & books & stuff these days that it gets to be overwhelming for both the child & the parents (to find space for it all)!

If you'd like to do something nice, get a really great card, write a special message and put a note in it saying "I owe you a day/weekend with your favorite Aunt" where you can watch your nephew so you sister can get a little time for herself. Or if that's not possible, get a gift certificate to an indoor activity center or kids gym where your sister can go with your nephew to enjoy a little time with him, on you!

Get a gift card and balloons!

Make a donation to a local non-profit in honor of your nephew. You could give to an organization that helps young children in some way. There are plenty that need financial support. Does your nephew adore animals? Make a donation to the local Humane Society. Does the family value literacy? Donate to books to a local youth center. You can give your sister a really nice card that says, In Honor of _____ 's Second Birthday, we have made a donation to ______ in his name. It is truelly a beautiful gift and the gesture carries a lot of love. Your sister will surely tuck this card away in your nephews keepsakes. When he gets older and is looking through the memorabilia he will come across the card and read this heartfelt gift. It will be an extraordinary gift all over again.
Hope this helps.....

i'd try and do a savings bond and some cool stickers or tattoos in a card - that way your helping with the future but he'll still see something fun in the card.

I wouldn't bring a gift. Why would she tell you not to bring a gift if she didn't want a gifts. Also, you should not bring a gift to the birthday party, which would make others feel like they should have brought a gift. I would offer to take him out for lunch or take him to the zoo or something else special. Tell your sister that you want to do something special for him. No gifts mean no gifts. If she wanted you to buy a gift then she would have said, if you really want to get him something, please do, but leave it in your car until the guests have gone home.

I would respect her wish for no gifts. If that totally kills you to not give a gift, think in terms of the "gift of time" rather than a thing to give. Time can be a wonderful memory builder. Maybe a homemade card with a handmade coupon for a fun day at the park or something like that. Something simple. Or truly just your presence rather than presents.

Parents request no gifts for different reasons. With a child so young, your nephew really doesn't need a ton of toys. Our son had more fun with the wrapping paper or the box than the gift itself a lot of times! But he also has some teddy bears that have been with him from the very start...he's now 12.

Or maybe they have different tastes for what a gift should be. Our son's room is totally overrun with toys to this day. It's maddening to me! I grew up with one simple gift being given to make it special--whether at Christmas or a birthday or whatever. And if there were too many toys, we donated some we didn't spend much time with to charity. But my husband and son can't seem to part with ANY of them!

It may be that your sister is trying to guide the family in restraint, to keep it simple, to set a tone for future giving, to remind people that it is the "connection of family" more than the "things" that bind you.

My in-laws have different tastes in gifts--bigger, more, battery-powered, etc. I personally have given up on being upset with their gifts. They are what they are. (If our son wanted a small Lego set and we were thinking in terms of a $20 set, they would give the BIGGEST set in that series. And it's not like they could afford it!) He has so many families of stuffed animals (bears, elephants, frogs, beanie babies, etc.)--if one is good, more is better.

You probably know your sister better than many. If she is making a genuine request, I would honor it. If it's totally killing you to not give a gift, keep it in the car and give it to them after others have left or just give it to your sister in the background. Or keep it simple with a card/coupon. (But also ask yourself why it's killing you to not give a gift.)

As our son has gotten older, he has had parties where he has asked that friends bring food for the food pantry. They are able to bring something but our son doesn't end up with a ton of stuff. Or as he has gotten past 10 years old, we have suggested no gifts, and then treated the small group to a day of roller skating, or laser tag, or something fun for the day. The fun day is the gift.

So, as usual, I've written too much. But most important, enjoy the day of celebration of your nephew's birthday!

I always ask people not to bring gifts because I do not want them to feel obligated to buy yet another gift for a kid. But, honestly I don't mind either way. My daughter has a lot of things. Why don't you try getting a gift that is not a thing, but is rather something to do. Depending on your budget it could be tickets to a concert (Wiggles or the like) or maybe just offer to take him away to the park with a picnic for an afternoon. It can be a special time for you and him.

I did this for one my daughter's parties. I had everyone make a donation to a charity in her name instead of bringing gifts. We have TOO much! And she gets gifts from grandparents and us - we give her what she asks for, but gifts from others are always things that she is never that interested in and it just makes things more cluttered.

The savings bond idea is good too. My aunt gives my girls savings bonds every year for Christmas and birthdays.

Hi L. - If a parent has asked you to not bring a gift, then you do not bring a gift. The parent has a reason for making this request of you. The event is about your nephew's birthday and your sister has chosen the way in which to celebrate it. If it is without gifts for whatever reason... the child has too much already; they don't have room for any more stuff; she wishes to focus her son on family/friend relationships rather than material items... respect her wishes.
You say that you will feel bad if you don't bring a gift, but your nephew won't feel bad because he is two and probably doesn't have an expectation of receiving a gift. On the other hand, if you do bring a gift you will probably make your sister feel bad, and I'm sure that isn't what you want the outcome to be.
Even though you would enjoy giving your nephew a gift, his birthday isn't about how the way it is celebrated will make you feel. Let it go and attend whatever the celebration is with a big smile and do not make comments about your sister's request, even if others ignore it and give a gift. She will remember that you supported her by respecting her wishes.
Give your nephew a birthday card appropriate for a two-year-old signed with lots of X's and O's. Make arrangements with your sister to spend some special time with your nephew at some other time without connecting to his birthday. A gift doesn't have to be enclosed in wrapping paper and a bow... it can be your time, attention and love.
I hope that this is helpful.
S.

If the issue is that he already has tons of toys, and plenty of clothes, how about tickets to the zoo? Or to a gymboree class or something like that? Or a contribution to his college fund?

Hi L.,

I would respect her wishes for no present, if she truly does not want anyone to bring presents. I remember when my son was 18 months and he was happy with one present at Christmas (wooden blocks) and then by the time he was four, he got so many presents (family), that he was no longer happy with just one present.

However, if she is just being nice, or you really want to do something, maybe a book or a gift certificate to a book store would be OK with her (maybe ask her and/or bring it on the side).

As a side note, when my niece turned two, I gave her a great outdoor toy, and my sister in law hid it away until she needed a toy, and I am sure my niece never knew it was from me by the time she opened it again.

Hi,

My brother always gives my kids Savings Bonds. He buys a nice card and feels good about contributing to their future.

Barb

I went to a party like this and didn't bring a gift and felt like a FOOL when everyone else did bring a gift.
I would suggest getting a gift card and a putting it in a card to the birthday boy. That way the parents could use it whenever they would like, and the child won't have too many toys all at once.
(It could even be a gift card/passes to a Children's Museum, Aquarium, child friendly restaurant, etc. It could be more about an experience than another plastic toy in the house)

I thought all the responses to this were interesting, and my answer is going to repeat some of them. My two cents--I agree with the women who say to respect your sister's wishes. But since this is your sister, can you talk to her and find out why she's really saying this? If she just doesn't want people to feel obligated, then maybe you could arrange to give a gift at another time, not in front of the other guests. You are the aunt, after all, so it makes sense for you to get a gift. I also liked the balloon idea--it's a decoration for the party as much as it is a gift, and my toddler was more excited about balloons than gifts at that age. And the special day at the zoo (or wherever) is a nice idea too. If it's materialism your sister is against, then the bond idea or the fun outing idea work for that. Giving to a charity in a child's name might work better for an older child who can appreciate the meaning of it, but a 2-year-old is not going to understand the concept of money donated in his name.

I guess my main advice would be to talk to her and find out the real reason behind her request.

Is she just saying that to be "nice" and not have people think they HAVE TO bring something, or is she really serious? If she's really serious, I would respect her wishes...he's 2...there's only so many toys and outfits a 2-year-old needs...BUT you can get him a savings bond (you say he has "everything"...college savings plans are a good idea for kids who have "everything"). Also, you could bring something to the party to make his birthday special, like a super-fun kid music CD or some party favors/treats or orchestrate an easy game that he'd like etc. That way, you've contributed to the celebration of his birthday, and respected your sister's wishes. Have Fun!!

You should respect her wishes.
I'm sure she feels that her child has too many material goods already. I feel the same way about my children's birthdays. It should be a celebration of the child, not the gifts.
If you feel it is important to give something to your nephew, a savings bond would make a wonderful gift. A contribution to his future, not his materialism.
It's respectable that your sister wants to raise her child to appreciate special time with his family and not expect "things" instead of time. In this spirit perhaps you could give him a future day at a local children's museum or sign him up for swim class and take him yourself each week. My sister gives similar gifts to my children, and it enriches their relationships.
She just paid for my older daughter to play Softball and takes her to each practice. They often have dinner together afterwards. It's a special thing that they do together and will create lasting memories.
I'm sure these are the types of things your sister is striving for in her own family.
-S.

When someone requests this, I always make a donation in the child's name and make a card explaining the charity and what it does, it's a good way for you to give a gift yet honor the request in a way that others less fortunate can benefit. I usually will donate to http://www.heifer.org/ as this gives an animal or plant (in different denominations depending on how much you want to spend) to a family and make a huge difference in their livelihood. You can give a person a fish but if you teach them how to fish, it will last a lifetime.

I didn't even go through all your responses there were so many! My initial gut reaction to your question was understanding where your sister is coming from, but also thinking about your children and their reaction to the tradition of doing something special for the birthday boy/girl. You don't mention your own children's age and whether or not that might be a concern, but I like the idea of a balloon (a favorite wonder of little ones - huh?)and a card (that your kids help make) with an invitation (include the date and time so it happens)to an afternoon with his cousins to some "special" location. (Think parks to your own backyard water world when the weather is a bit warmer.
My other thought is a good book. It's the one thing a child can never have too much of and their growth and maturity constantly demands age appropriate readings. It's small and you can give it to your nephew at the end.

Depending on the age of your children - giving a gift can be a valuable lesson to them. Perhaps since you are close family your sister would understand that and not feel that you disregarded her wishes.

Have fun 8)

This is tough. I think that if you could ask your sister the reason why - perhaps she is trying to be thoughtful to the people she is inviting who may not be able to afford a gift - or perhaps she has too much "stuff" in her house and figures her son won't know any different at 2 - I think the reason could help you decide what to do. Perhaps you could give the gift at another time - not at the party - so as not to embarass others who are there - and make the gift something that doesn't take up a lot of space. Few parents object to a nice book. Perhaps you could even get him a gift certificate to a book store, and then take him on a special outing to go pick out his own book - he'd certainly remember who got him that book then. And I think that if you explain to your sister that since he is your nephew, you'd like to do this - would she object, then you wouldn't feel sneaky. Good luck.

Don't bring a present to the party. I agree with the others who say maybe the mom doesn't want any more toys right now, and I totally understand that! I would feel pretty aggravated if I asked for no gifts and people brought some anyway. The 2-yr-old isn't going to remember whether or not they got presents come next year. Go with getting a savings bond to give directly to the mom and not in front of the other parents, or arrange to take the child out for an hour or two for some special time.

I would respect your sister's wishes. If you really want to give something, a savings bond is a nice low key way to celebrate his birthday without making it seem that you are deliberatly bucking your sister's request. You could also buy a new toy and donate it to a children's home or shelter in your nephew's name.
Take care

Good Morning L.:

We just went through this. Sometimes the problem is the kids have everything already. At two is he probably won't remember not getting gifts. You could ask your sister if cards are acceptable and in the card have a certificate for a special treat with you during the summer. It could a beach trip, a trip to the park, a trip for ice cream etc. This way you are not getting things but giving him special time with you. If you wanted you could take a picture and have it developed for his photo album.

Hope this helps.

Jenn

If she truly does not want gifts and he has enough toys consider purchasing a favorite children's book and donating it to their local library. Most libraries have a sticker they will put on the inside of the cover stating who donated the book. You could put your nephews name there and bring him to the library to show him some day.

I would say to request her request since it's her child and she gets to make the rules. If she didn't want her child eating desserts or certain snack would you go along with that request? As a mother of an 11 and 8 year old we also stated on our invitations Please No Gifts. Most people were uncomfortable with this request and would double check when RSVPing to make sure this was the case. We had several reasons for this foremost not wanting our children to become hyperconsumers and materialistic. I didn't want the hassle of writing the thank you or the mess/waste of a bunch of wrapping paper and my kids have a fair amount of toys. Some kids would make a card and no one seemed to mind most of all my children. I'm probably hypersenitive about materialism right now because I'm reading the book The Price of Priveledge. It talks about how unhappy some of the most affluent kids are because they are not connected emotional to people but are fixated on money and possessions. Good Luck with your decision.

The best alternative to this is give a donation to the local SPCA (animal shelter) or a children's charity in honor of your nephew. That way you will be giving a "gift" to someone who needs it. Give a card to you nephew with the details. I am sure your sister and nephew (when he is older) will appreciate what you did.

L.,

How can anyone go to a two year olds party and not bring a gift???? I would get him one of those piggy banks that you can write his name on with 10 dollars in it. Your his Aunt so this would be a special gift from you. You can respect the no gift policy when he is over 18. I love to see the face of a young child when opening gifts, dont you!!! Go and have fun, hug your sister and tell her that the no gift thing does not apply to you! Have fun and good luck!

D.!!

I'm having the same problem- last year the hostess said the same thing, I brought the gift anyway and it went into the donation bag (which is a thoughtful idea) but I specifically picked out the gift and was hurt when she didn't thank me or even know what it was! So i would recommend just a tiny token