I am not having a baby shower (for a lot of reasons not worth going into). Instead I'm having a fun, baby 'brunch' - no gifts for me. Instead everyone comes, pays their own way at a restaurant with a fixed menu (extremely reasonable cost, actually cheaper than it would be to buy a gift). It's all you can drink. Many of my friends do not have kids - I want to have fun with them before I give birth. I won't be drinking but want my friends to enjoy themselves and I want to have 'adult' fun with them. I am excited to be a mom but don't need to do the traditional baby shower stuff...it's not me. Anyway, a few friends of mine do have kids. They did not ask to bring them and it wasn't stated obviously you CANNOT but from the way the invite is stated, its not a kid friendly event. One of my friends has a few kids. She asked a week before the shower to bring her youngest - a 6 year old daughter. Something apparently 'came up' with her sitter or something. Normally I understand these things BUT this is coming from a woman who parties constantly - has a boyfriend (she's divorced) and OFTEN spends weeknights (school nights) sleeping over his place, going out until 3am etc. She clearly can find a sitter for those nights - I've known he for a few years and never once has she ever said she can't go out b/c of her kids. Now she can't find someone to watch her daughter? And its not even like its the day before - she tells me this a week in advance. So I feel like a jerk to say no to her but this now puts everyone else in an awkward position - friends who don't have kids now have to police their language and behavior and the women who have kids may be annoyed they were not told they can bring theirs. Truth be told, I want my friend there but am baffled that she never seemed to have any issue leaving her kids behind when its for HER to go out and socialize. But when its an event where kids were not invited, she can't find a sitter 7 days in advance of the event? She has family. She has a boyfriend. She has an ex husband. Siblings. The kid must have friends who have parents who can sit for a few hours....am I overreacting here? It's less about me, its more about the fact that my other friends now can't joke around and say adult things -and honestly I want to do that too! I will have all baby stuff from the time my kid is born. I want one last adult time with my friends. Is that too much to ask? If I am selfish, do I have a right to be?
Thanks - all great advice. Turns out she never really found a sitter for her daughter. The other kids are older and she was able to link them to activities but it seems she just planned the entire time to bring her daughter. I find this a bit rude only because she knew about this 6 weeks ago - now only brings it up this last week? Anyway, I did not tell her outright she cannot bring her but I brought up all the points about it being adults focused etc. I bascally said if you 'really cannot find a sitter in the next WEEK then I'd rather see you than not" but kind of gave her the impression she is putting other guests out. I think she got the hint since she did say she would try to find someone. We'll see what happens. Thanks again!
ALTHEA from North Bergen - not sure you read my update or not but I did mention that this friend of mine never made plans with a sitter. She lied to me and said she had made plans and they 'fell through' but when I asked her if everything was ok and where her other kids would be during the time of the brunch, she admitted that she planned to bring her daughter the entire time. So for more than a month, she knew she'd bring her daughter, who was an 'uninvited guest'. I'm sorry but this was an adults event. Other friends of mine have kids and are not bringing them. The reality is - the world does not revolve around anyone's kids. Adults still have lives. I had one friend who said to me, I'm not going to come b/c I work full time and my only time with my kid is the weekend. I completely respect that - we made alternate plans where I met her by her office for a lunch, we had a lovely time and I appreciated her frankness and also, the fact that she's got limited time and she prioritizes her kid. I completely understand that, I respect it and who knows I may be that way when I go back to work as well. What I don't get is a) my friend lied to me about having a sitter who fell through b) she just assumed she could bring her kid and did not even try to make plans until the last week when she knew about this event for weeks c) she parties all the time during the week so clearly she doesn't feel the need to spend time with her own child but suddenly I have an event and she's got to spend 'quality time' with her daughter??? That was my point. I am not exaggerating when I say that my friend will go out during school nights, get drunk with her boyfriend, stay over his apt that is an hour away from her kids, she will go to happy hour, she goes out Sat nights. I do not judge anyone for their lifestyle. She's making her own choices. But my point is - if you consistently act a certain way, then why all of the sudden, when I ask for ONE afternoon (it's 3 hours really) of her time alone, she's suddenly mother of the year and needs to have her daughter with her? Also the whole reference to 'the kid' - I think you're being just a little sensitive as far as saying it's offensive. You didn't read the details of the circumstances but you hone in on that one reference, when I referred to my friends child as "the daughter" or the 'child'. There's only one reference saying 'the kid" and I meant nothing by it - not really clear how one could be offended by calling a kid a kid. If I called her a rug rat or a parasite or something negative, yes, I could see how that could be seen as negative. Also 90% of my note does not focus on her finding a sitter. My focus is on the other guests and their comfort level. Also not offending all my friends who HAVE kids who managed to find daycare for the three hours that my brunch is happening, so I am not sure where that 90% number comes from.
I'd tell her it's a no kid event, period. If she cant see you on that particular day ask her when would be a good time for you two to get together.
You hafta be strong about certain things, this would be one of them.
Not selfish at all. There are times it is just not appropriate for a child to attend..
I would just say, this is an adults only event.
Tell her that this is an adult only function.
It's your party, and you can be selfish if you want to.
Tell her you'd love to have the kids there, but unfortunately it's adults only.
Wow! It seems that there is a lot of this behavior going around. Is it the season or what? To answer your question: You have every right to be "selfish" although you really aren't being selfish. Tell her it's NO KIDS, no "ifs", "ands" or "butts". Best wishes.
Keep it adults only.
I don't know if anyone has "right " to be selfish. I don't understand how it is selfish for you to have an adults only party. Your friend just asked if she could bring her 6 year old and the answer is "no". She probably didn't pick up on the idea that the party is about adult fun, even if you think the invite was clear. Just let her know that you would love to have her there, but no kids this time.
I would have the host tell her, "I'm sorry but this is not an event for children. No one else is bringing children. Please find alternative care for your daughter."
When my friend had a recent baby shower, for many reasons it was adults only. We ALL got sitters. Sometimes, as a parent, you get a sitter or arrange a play date or something or you don't go. Tell her no. I wouldn't be apologetic or long-winded about it. Don't give her a loophole.
"This is really an adult time together, and your daughter will be very bored. There won't be any games like at a baby shower, and there won't be other kids there for her to play with, so she will want your attention. Other moms are leaving their kids at home for this one. It puts me in a very awkward position if other moms see someone else has brought a child. I'm sure you can understand that, right? I really want you there to celebrate, but I also would not want you to have to leave early because your daughter got bored and restless. How about if you try your (ex, boyfriend, sibling, usual sitter) for this one. But I really can't tell folks 'it's a no-kids event' and then they turn up and find I've made an exception...." If that doesn't give her the hint, she's being obtuse on purpose.
If your invitation was't crystal clear that this is "Girls' brunch out--please leave the kids with the significant other, ladies" then that would have helped...I hope she gets the message.
I'll call her for you :)
Some events are for adults only. She should understand this
You're not being selfish. You have your plans and you have invited the people you want to attend. I can definitely see your point in that it would put a damper on everyone's fun.
I would tell my friend just like you told us here. It is nothing personal, but I really want everyone to be able to let their hair down and have a good time and I just don't see that happening with a 6 year old in tow. Hopefully she'll understand. If not, she will get over it.
Have your party and have a grand time!
Just tell her this isn't a kids place or a kids function and you don't want to have your other guests have to watch their language. Just say "I hope you still can make it, but I think this is the best for everyone including your daughter"."
If it's a no kids party then just say so and tell her "I'd love to have you there but understand if you cannot attend." I think you are over thinking it and didn't think selfishness until you went on about how she always can find a sitter until it's an event for someone else. I have two kids, a husband, and in-laws around but they babysit once in a great while and if I were invited and my husband couldn't/wouldn't be home - I'd likely not be able to attend either. I used to think like your post - until I became a mom and understand that your children are your first priority...you'll see.
Hi welshwife,
My two cents:
Your post is titled "uninvited guests" and I'm not sure who you're referring to. If you're referring to your friend, then it's really not your friend. If you're referring to your friend's kid, then I find it offensive.
90% of your email focuses on the fact that your "friend" can't find a babysitter. What if she really can't? If it means so much to you, simply tell her it's not going to be the type of environment for kids. That way you're subtly (I think) letting her know that she shouldn't come since she can't find a sitter. Or if her presence means that much to you (doesn't sound like it does from your post), just give the other attendees a heads up. Frankly, you sound a little jealous by your tone. You refer to the child as "the kid". Not nice..
Don't think you're being selfish, after all it is your shower, but you need to make a decision based on how important your friendship is.
I wouldn't worry about the 6 year old. Just enjoy your day. In fact I feel sorry for the 6 year old (ladies only boozy brunch, BORING!) and I feel sorry for the 6 year old's mom (have to worry about her kid's bordom, her kids meal, while she could otherwise be enjoying brunch)
I don't feel sorry for YOU (sorry!) You're overthinking here. She's just one of your many guests, it's her own problem if she has to have her kid in tow. I don't think the 6 year old will personally ruin your enjoyment or any of the others. I see the issues (the other ladies thinking "huh? I didn't bring MY kids") but that doesn't really have much to do with you either. Don't lose focus here momma, you have a wonderful celebratory brunch to look forward to with all your closet ladies! Don't get hung up on a few trivial matters not going your way. I'd try one more time with a call saying "Are you sure you want to bring her, she will be the only kid there and it will not be fun for her" and then let it go.
I can't imagine not telling her that lots of drunks (a night away from the kids and might drink some doubles) and bad
language would really be a great thing for her daughter to be around.
I think your party is going to be wonderful! Have lots of fun!
