Ungrateful 5 Year Old

Although embarassing I don't think it was abnormal. I think at 5 they don't always have empathy for someone else's feelings and express thier own feelings a little too well. I would talk with her about what "we" have that many other children don't have and how lucky she is. I would also explain that we can't always have what we want. NOT because you can't afford it, just because it isn't real life. Then make an effort to say no sometimes when at the grocery store and she wants some candy, or at a store and wants a little toy or something. Even take her to McDonalds and say no to the happy meal, just get a meal without the toy. Don't do it all the time, maybe half of the time. Teach her that she is not entitled. Maybe she will start to be a little excited to get a gift, instead of expecting it. I'd also let her feel the joy of giving a gift to someone, maybe grandpa. Let her really put thought into it, then after she sees how excited Grandpa is and how good it felt to give the gift.... Talk to her about how awful she would have felt if he didn't thank her for the gift. Has worked for my kids in the past. Good luck!! :)

The rule I always follow whenever I want to teach my children something -

Teach by example
- it will always work - if you act grateful for everything you have(even the little things) then the child will see that and be grateful. But the catch is - you have to be consistent with it - every single time.

My son is not yet 5, but he is the only toddler I know that says "please" "thanks" "bless you" "excuse me" - and we have not once told him he needed to say these things - it is because we say these things on a daily basis and he has learned by example

In addition to all of the other great ideas, I would also have her do something for her grandfather. She should make him a thank you card, and/or send him a letter of apology. If she needs help writing it - write it for her, but make her come ip with the words, and draw him a picture, etc. If she has money of her own, have her use some of it to but something for him too. If not, have her help bake him a cake or something. She needs to learn the manners of gratitude and the joy of giving.

Well, don't be to hard on her or you. I mean I too have gotten some gifts I was disappointed in but of course being an adult I said nothing. I do remember as a kid being disappointed on some gifts but didn't say anything since my parents would have died. I suggest you explain to her on her level that for anyone to say out loud how disappointed they are isn't what we do. I'm sure by helping her with her feeling rather then tossing out toys would teach her how we deal with things. To toss out stuff even if you're just saying it to yourself well it would give her the wrong message.
Lets remember she is only 5 so you have to deal with her on her level.

I'm sorry that happened. I agree that you should talk to her about how she hurt grandpa's feelings. Also mention how sad you feel. Kids seem to respond when we say that what they did made the parents feel bad (rather than saying "you were bad.") If you didn't already, you could ask her why the bear disappointed her, and start a conversation with her that way about what she wants and why. Of course, modeling gratitude is important. I've also heard the suggestion that to raise grateful, generous kids, you should try to plan something regular, like once a month, where you do something kind for others -- visit sick people, make cookies for the neighbors, offer to take an elderly person grocery shopping....etc. You do this together and also talk to your kids about how nice it feels to do nice things for others and how important it is for everyone to look out for each other (family and friends, but also others who aren't in your daily path.) Of course, it's a big energy commitment, but I hope to do it with my kids when they're a little older. One last thought -- I would scale way down the amount of stuff you give her, not as punishment, but just as a way of life. It will help her to understand that things are not what's important in life and you can even explain to her that all our stuff is bad for the environment, because it pollutes the world to make it.

Well thank heavens she is only 5. You do still have time to turn this around. It is good that you are seeing the reality that you may have created this situation. It will only get worse as your child gets older. It may be time to do the tough love thing and remove some of her toys. Don't throw them out, but she may have too many to appreciate. I have heard it suggested when my son was young, to rotate them. In six months or so, bring in the "new" ones and take out some of those she has had to play with. She can't be playing with ALL of them if she has too many. Also another way is to start making her aware of what other children don't have. Teach her about the children of other countries like Africa or Haiti who do not have even the basics like we do. Maybe it will make her want to help them in some way. Bead for Life has parties where ladies can come and purchase paper jewelry made by African ladies to support their families. That may be a great way to teach her and also have fun by inviting friends and their mom's to a Bead for Life party. (BeadforLife.org) Whatever you do, the best of luck with it as you have just had a light bulb moment to be able to turn this around. I know not every mom is going to agree with this, but take it from someone who is looking at it from the 19 yr. old perspective. When they get to this age, they will want the best of everything...cars, phones, computers, electronics it will go on and on. It is definately a good idea to teach her the value of money along the way as well.

Unfortunately, kids just don't have a filter on their feelings. They haven't learned how to be "grateful" and wear their emotions on their sleeves. At around age 4 or 5, before a gift giving occasion like Christmas or birthdays, we would prep our daughter and role play, what do you say when you get a gift? What do you do if you don't like it? etc. Explain to her how she hurt Grandpa's feelings when she said what she did, and how would she like it if she didn't get any gifts. That some kids aren't as lucky as she is. Start role playing with her. Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all been in your position.

Something that has helped my daughter is having to earn her own things. We bought "Financial Peace Jr." from daveramsey.com

We don't have to put any more money into our budget for allowance, we just don't spend extra on it unless she earns it. This little program is great for kids cause it is similar to a chore chart, but it's called a commission chart. They can earn things, and there is also a spot for you to put down things that they can get money taken away for. Then on a second chart they can put a picture of an item they are saving for, how much their savings is each week and how many weeks it will take them to earn the money for that item (if they do the work). These boards are dry erase, and also come with 3 cloth envelopes (Give, Save & Spend). This has been a great way to teach our 4yr old the value of a dollar and how to earn the things she wants.

I know you are embarrassed and this may have caused you to over react a bit. If it's not too late I'd pull those toys out of the trash.

Don't be too hard on yourself either. It's all a learning experience.

It is not too late to teach your little girl values in regard to money, but don't be too hard on her for this incident. She is still pretty young. If you feel she has been spoiled it's time to back off. Give her an allowance of $5 per week to save or spend, but don't buy her toys, gum, etc... unless it is a special occasion......or once in awhile when you want to. Never buy her when she demands something. Tell her you don't want to buy that with your money, but she can use her own or save for it, etc... She will learn the value of money this way.

Definitely don't throw out her toys it won't help. This article has a lot of great tips
http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/...

I would give back the toys or she might always blame grandpa for losing her toys too. Help her to write him a nice thank you card and have her give it to him in person. Then I would try to learn from this and cut back on giving her stuff, saving it for special occasions only. Good luck and I have been there.

Don't beat yourself up. We ALL have been in that situation before. My 5yo announced at his last b-day party that he didn't like batman when he opened a gift and I was sooo embarassed. The there was the time he told my sister in law, who'd commented that a bird bight swoop down and pick her up that she was too fat for that!. (Yikes!)

But at 5, she is old enough to discuss how she made grandpa feel when she said that and how embarassed you where by her. I think it is important that kids understand that their actions affect other people.

We've recently tried to cut back on the material stuff. I think 90% of American kids (mine included) have too much stuff. I remember as a kid how EXCITED I was an the anticipation of something! Now as an adult, I find that I don't run out and buy the movie I was the day it is available, but for some reason I WANT to do that for my child. Why is this???? Even though it is just as hard for me and my husband to say no when we see something we know our little darlings will just love, we have started saying no.

Is it your fault? Well, yes, as much as it is my fault for my child's actions, but I think at 5 it is very fixable. Good luck! Wish me luck, too!!!

I think this is a good teaching incident. I wouldn't take her toys away... just explain to her about why we should be grateful for any gift we receive.
I believe every child goes through this stage of behavior... I know mine did. Once I explained to her how everyone has feelings and even if she receives a gift she already has she should smile and thank the person who gave it to her... she understood and all was fine after that.

It is quite easy to get there and many have been there. I would look up a womens shelter or homeless shelter there is nothing like it to make you appreciate how much you have. My mom did this with her four when one was not so grateful and twice a year we would weed out old toys and donate them to childerns wards of hospitals, womens shelters, and by giving her a goal to earn them. I only buy for successes my four year old knows that he must be good and we discuss what that means for the week listening and doing what mom and dad say the first time sharing no screaming if not in danger etc.and be strong it is hard to get there sometimes you feel like giving in remember your goal

I agree with every one of these ideas. Especially with taking things away. They learn but its probably gonna take more than once to do this. I had it done to me as a kid and I remembered it even still. My grades were bad and so my mom took everything away I had except furniture and books and school supplies and left me with nothing-but thoughts on how I could fix the grades and attitude/mouthiness. It worked and so I use it on my own kids. But all kids are different so you may have to come up with something different. And I use the dollar menu with my kids everywhere, for one I am a disabled, single mom of 3 living on a fixed income and its cheaper. For two, my kids are grateful and more thoughtful on getting something that will fill them up instead of frostys or sweets/snacks. So if I give them a 3$ choice on the dollar menu they usually will get 2 cheeseburgers and fries and no drink, and since we bring it home they just drink whatevers here. I just think its ridicilous the way parents try too hard to make Christmas and Birthdays perfect and extravangant. 2 or 3 gifts (1 big and 2 little) if you can afford it suffices. The kids also need to earn stuff at other times. I expect always good grades, good attitude, controlled mouth/temper, and chores to be done properly. I make them use manners and consider others feelings. By no means are my kids perfect because its an ongoing process but they know whats expected of them always and then if they mess up and get punished we talk about it so they fully understand. Kids are kids and not mini adults so we can't expect too much out of them but we can expect respect and to follow the rules. Maybe making a chart would help yours. Use smiley stickers for good days like in school. Ask for advice from teachers, friends, therapists, even doctors. The internet has a wealth of information. And when your child is extremely good then its time for a treat. God Bless, and this too shall pass, just work on it sweetie.

This is not going to be something that you can instantly change. I understand what you are going through... kind of (my children have never been rude but we are working on them appreciating what they have and who they have in their life a whole lot more). It is important that children realize who much they have and how little others have. We always try to be involved in community service and donations to charity. My kids give away many of their toys to toy time (and really the only thing the girls miss is the play kitchen we gave up last summer... thought about getting them a new one but didn't because they didn't really play with it much anymore that is why we donated it to begin with). I am always trying to expand their understanding of how blessed we really are. This is somewhat hard because most of their friends have just as much if not more then we do so they think everyone has too much stuff. We have also been cutting back on what we give our children for holidays, birthdays, etc. when we realized they have so much that none of it is really important or means anything to them. I also purposely leave off one or two items they really really want off of their wish list so that they realize they don't always get everything they want and maybe something they really want is going to take some work on their part to earn. They appreciate what they had to work for more as well. Luckily for me my kids do get sentimental attachments to things because people who are important to them gave it to them.... sometimes this is bad because my youngest is unwilling to give up some of her baby toys just because she remembers getting them from certain family members. They just sit there on the shelf-unplayed with but can't give them up because so-n-so gave that to her. I have some great articles from our childrens ministry team on teaching generousity, gratefullness, how to unteach materialism,etc. but I would have to be about to email you a PDF.
If you are interested send me a private message.
Also- make sure that once you have cooled off a little bit talk to her about what she did, how it was wrong, how it made you feel and probably that she hurt grandpa's feeling. Ask things like How would she feel if she sent all day making grandpa (or anyone) a beautiful picture and they reacted toward her as she did. But realize she is very young and probably didn't realize that she could hurt anyone.
Hope this helps :) Take heart mom- you are realizing now that you need to change some things (better then when they are teenagers) and that is a good thing. We can all work harder to teach or kids gratefullness, charity and true love.

the basic rule in our house is presents are for holidays and birthdays. yes there are special occasions, but not very often! she is old enough to do chores, hope you're having her do that, not as a way to "earn" presents but because we all have to help out and because we take care of our things because we should appreciate how lucky we are to have a home and nice things to take care of. even things like sweet treats should be monitored - after eating a healthy dinner only, for example. kids today have a huge problem with being ungrateful for the things they have. also she of course should have a good example in her mom, who should be gracious and grateful when given a gift. it's not just about appreciating a gift, either. it's also about caring about grandpa's feelings. you should explain to her how much she hurt grandpa's feelings and she should be able to understand that - my three year old does. we have to teach them empathy as well as gratitude. it's about appreciating that he loves her enough to get her a nice present, whether or not she likes it.

Your immediate response to throw her toys away is understandable and I have to say that I would have taken that bear away for sure until she could properly thank her grandfather. Explain to her grandfather that you feel that it is your fault and that you are going to take responsibility for it and am sorry about the way she reacted. To help her learn to be appreciative the first thing you can do is from now on, every gift she receives you make her either color that person a picture or write them a thank you note. My son is 6.5 and I have him write a thank you for every gift and my daughter who is 4 colors them a picture and signs her name. The very least she should do is to call and say thank you. She now owes her grandfather an apology. From now on when she asks for a new toy, maybe you can say, "it's just a ???" and see how she reacts. Making her thank the person immediately and apologize should be a start, she is old enough to know her actions are not nice.

This is a tough call and there are a lot of issues at play here... and you already understand what at least most of them are. And you also understand the root of those issues. Not unexpectedly, you are merely looking for affirmation and support of your stance on the problem or vindication of your past practices. I can give you neither, nor should you feel entitled to affirmation nor vindication. You know your habit of giving in to your daughter's desires has created this 'monster'.

You say you give your daughter too much, and this is understandable. You love her and dote on her and want her to be happy, right? Bear in mind that happiness is a journey not a thing. And in order for your daughter to understand and achieve happiness she cannot attach that to things. You will do her a world of good just by helping you both learn that you don't need things to be happy and doing things to make others happy, especially those closest to you, can help make you happy too. In this case, that would be her grandfather.

It's time to sit your daughter down and explain to her that what she did was wrong. Her grandfather was very hurt by what she did and said and that was a cruel thing for her to do. - Yes, it's okay to tell a child they did something cruel! You are not saying the child is cruel or not nice, you are saying what they did was cruel or not nice and it is important to make a clear separation between the two concepts so the child understands you are not calling her bad or cruel or not nice. So tell her what she did was wrong and explain to her WHY it was wrong. Tell her you know she loves her grandfather and that she would not want to deliberately hurt him so she needs to apologize to him and thank him for his gift. Now is a good time to start helping her learn compassion for others. Explain to her that gifts are something that comes from the heart and people are not required to give gifts, they do it because they love you and care about you and, when she insulted her grandfather, she was, in a sense, saying she didn't love him! Ask her how she would feel if her grandfather told her he didn't love her and never gave her any gifts. That would hurt her a lot, I am sure. And, seeing the situation from the 'other side' can help her to understand how her actions made her grandfather feel.

NEXT big step is to stop giving her so many THINGS! Even at her young age, it is not too early to start getting her involved in modestly philanthropic endeavors. If she gets an allowance, have her put a certain percentage of that aside to donate to charity. Explain to her that there are many people who simply do not have all of the things she does. There are children around the world who don't have any toys at all. If she has been isolated from news about the earthquakes in Haiti, now might be a good time to talk to her about that and ask her what she thinks your family can do to help the children in Haiti. Contact the nearest orphanage/children's home about having your daughter come to visit the children there (some are more amenable than others to such visits). If your community has an annual clean-up campaign, join in and get your little one involved as well. Or take her with you and volunteer at a local soup kitchen or church/community 'clothes closet for the needy' store. There are always scads of opportunities for volunteerism and getting your daughter in touch with her relative wealth of privilege and the concept of giving back to her community can help her to appreciate her good fortune. Engendering this sense of sharing her wealth will not only help her to appreciate what she has but will stand her in good stead as she gets older.

Now ... stop buying your daughter toys. If she has not learned to appreciate them, she should not be entitled to them. (My daughter once told her son that he would not be getting any toys from Santa for Christmas because he had too many already. (He was about six at the time.) He picked his favorite toys from his overflowing toy box and the rest were put into a yard sale, the proceeds from which went into his bank account. Those that did not sell, he took (with Mom, of course) to a charitable organization for distribution to less fortunate children.) Don't give her toys, give her hugs and kisses, and tickles and one-on-one time to DO - like fingerpainting (remember that?), and baking cookies or brownies (and take some to Granddad to help say, "Thank you and I'm sorry I was rude and hurt your feelings and I really do like the teddy bear.")

There is nothing wrong with taking (not throwing) toys away from a child for a period when they misbehave. This is no different from someone losing their driving privileges when they have too many violations. You break the rules, you pay the price! She needs to learn this - gently - from you, or she will cause problems for herself later in life. But bear in mind, you did create this problem so you will need to be very cautious about how you deal with the resulting behavior. That doesn't mean you can just say, 'It's my fault so I don't have to correct her for it,' You DO have to correct her for it or she will never learn better behavior and you will only be compounding the problem for the future.

Does your daughter have a tv in her bedroom? If so GET RID OF IT! Do you read to her? Instead of buying toys, which often end up getting tossed aside, broken, and/or ignored in the bottom of the closet, buy books. Up close and personal time with a book - reading to her and (eventually) her reading to you, will not only strengthen your bond with your daughter, but it will help her to learn to read, expand her vocabulary, and make her a more confident, secure human being. Some of my favorites are Sesame Street books, especially "The Monster at the End of the Book". Seuss books are simply a treasure everything from "The Cat In the Hat" and those Sneetches (with or without stars on thars!) to my favorite gift to new parents, "Oh! The Places You'll Go." Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" is an absolutely priceless addition to any bookshelf. (You may have caught the 'real' Giving Tree story on your local news last week!) Other good books to add to the bookshelf are Silverstein's poetry such as "Where the Sidewalk Ends", "Runny Babbit", "Falling Up", "The Missing Piece", "A Light in the Attic", "Who Wants a Cheap Rhinocerous?" ... The seemingly endless collection is full of entertainment and life lessons for both kids and their parents.(Although the world lost the gift of Silverstein's ongoing brilliance, there is still a website dedicated to his work and aimed at parents and educators. Check it out at: http://www.shelsilverstein.com/html/home.html ).

The bottom line is, don't let your daughter, or you, mistakenly equate things with love - the bigger the bauble the larger the love - kind of thinking can only make her unhappy in the future when the world does not live up to her expectations and greed. (Yes, GREED! Because that is what you have, heretofore taught your daughter through your mistaken gestures of love.) It's natural to want to give to our children, to see the joy and excitement in their eyes and to hear the magical, almost saintly sound of their laughter. That is what makes it so easy to overindulge them. We are selfish. It brings joy to us and it feels good to feel we are giving them joy. On the other hand, it is not easy to change a 5 year pattern. In fact, it will be down right tough. But the good news is, you have identified the problem. That's the first (GIANT) step. It's not too late for either of you and you will, in the long run, find the results so much more satisfying and rewarding for both you and your daughter ... and her grandfather. And she'll thank you for it when she gets older. And, btw, giving her a safety net to allow her to try new things and, sometimes, fail, but do so without fear of ridicule, will give her the confidence she needs to continue to try new things and learn new things and have faith in her own abilities..

Who knows? With a new approach to loving and teaching your daughter, you may be raising the first woman president of the United States! Or a multi-billionaire philanthropist praised the world over. With the right tools, anything is possible. (And be sure to teach her that, too!)

Good luck