Unfounded Claims Against My Child

What are you giving up on? Your daughter sounds like she needs exactly what the school said, it is what you said yourself, she needs practice to learn to play with other children. You should ask for this from the school counselor, they run friendship groups and friend ship classes all the time. Your issue is that your daughter has few friends and they must be of a certain quality for her to find interesting and they have to accomodate her intensity, and.that is a great deal to ask of 5 year olds.

The "old girl" who your child was "associated with" (? does not sound like a ringing endorsement as far as friendships go...) was not under contract to be your daughter's exclusive play mate, she was free to make new friends. Three is very hard, and most children need some help and coaching to understand how to navigate it, especially when there is some ridgity from one party, that being your daughter.

If no hitting or kicking occured, you have nothing to worry about. This is a school issue, and since no diciplinary action has taken place, I would take the high road and just assume it never happened, because as far as the school is concenred, it never did. I would write, not speak, but write to the principal and ask for help for your daughter with the counselor, and very nicely state that you are uncomfortable with the attitude expressed to you by the parents of "new girl" that she is to retaliate violence for violence, and that you think that all the children should be instructed in school and at home that hitting, kicking, etc. is not acceptable and that you hope that the issue will be addresses with Mr. and Mrs. new girl, so that they also stop giving thier daughter instructions to retaliate violence wtih violence. It is quite possible that they already have, but you have zero right to know what they have said to Mr. and Mrs. New girl, just like they have zero right to know what the school has said to you.

In any case, this is not a police matter, and certainly, not against the room Mom. Let me share with you a perspective of a Mom who has a child who is bullied. She is bullied because she is mentally retarded and she has autism. That sounds horrible, and it can be, but why does this happen to her? Sometimes, it happens to her because kids are just fed up with some of her behaviors, and for what ever reason, they just do not want to put up with it at that moment. You know, I can't always blame them. It is in the way that they do it that I blame them, and that I always ask for help from the school to teach other children the right way to express themselves about very valid issues. I also take the opportunity to use every example of "bullying" to look to my child and what services I can get for her such that she does not draw this kind of behavior. Nasty is not OK, but feelings, like two girls who have hit it off and want to play a game that is not so "intesnse" is not forbidden, nor should it be. They all need "practice" because they are only 5 years old. Get your daughter the help she needs to be able to find all other children suitable playmates, and when that happens, she will be much happier.

M.

this is a perfect example of why it's not always a great thing that parents are so involved in their children's every move these days. yes, it's a shame that your daughter is timid and has a hard time making friends, and yes it sucks that there is friction and hard feelings between kids in her class and you and their moms, but this is so far beyond reasonableness that's it's ludicrous.
you cannot get a restraining order against another child's mother for protecting her.
both of you need to stop throwing around the word 'bully'.
sometimes kids don't like each other. sometimes they have spats. sometimes feelings get hurt. guess what. kindergarten is where they start learning to deal with this. mothers intervening over every snotty glance will not teach them coping skills.
listen to your school professionals. this is your first time encountering this. they are old hands. they might actually have something useful to teach you if you let them.
khairete
S.

Since your daughter seems "special" it will be harder for her to relate to the average kids. Little girls ALWAYS buddy up and bully up for a certain part of the elementary years. There wont be much you can do about that as it is just part of the social genre of young ladies. Teaching your daughter through role playing at home so that she can handle these situation better will be your best bet.
A team sport might be good for her to toughen her up a little and give her more social time forced by having to be part of a 'team".
Try not to get mad or think you need restraining orders on people, you are just wandering into what is going to be happening from now through Highschool. Read some of the books the other moms suggest and toughen yourself and your daughter up for the real world.

You sound like you are in denial BIG TIME. All children hit once and awhile. Even the most mild mannered do. Kids are smart and they do everything they can to make sure the adult doesn't see. When multiple kids complain a child has hit, it's TRUE.

Short of putting spy cameras on your daughter, there isn't any way for you to know since you aren't there all day long. You just need to keep reinforcing the right behavior at home by talking with her. You could move. I've seen a great many parents move because their child wasn't getting a long well with a teacher or the kids.

Restraining Order????? Dial it back a minute, mom! As hard as it is try to remember this other girls mom believes her daughter the same way you believe yours. These girls are five and they ARE learning to interact with others and at school. That is alot and is probably over-whelming for most of them. What was the end result of the meeting with the administration? Is all considered "said and done" or has another meeting been set? If it has been dealt with in the administrations eyes then I would continue on with what you are doing. Continue to encourage your daughter to make new friends. Perhaps she could learn to compromise a little as well. Not be so intense in all of her endeavors. Of course, she is five, and will need you to model that behavior for her. By going for the jugular with the school and this other mom, you may feel justified, but it will ultimately create more problems down the road. Try to start fresh, make a deal with your daughter to make a go of it when next semester starts. At the very least, talk to her about "letting it roll off her back". I know that is a hard lesson to teach at five but the earlier she learns some coping skills, the better.

Whoa...calm down mama. You can not get a restraining order, for something so minor. If your daughter told she she was being bullied, you would believe her. The other mom, is believing her daughter. It's that simple. She is not making threats against you and your daughter, trying to harm you and your daughter, or being aggressive. She is simply standing up for a daughter, she thinks, is being bullied. She is doing the exact same thing, any mother would do. Did your teacher say, that she knows for a fact, that your daughter has never used physical force? Kids have different struggles, at school. Their reactions often times don't reflect how they react, at home. She very well could have hit this girl. It will take monitoring, to know for sure. To be completely honest...your daughter probably IS "learning to play with multiple friends and just needs some practice."
She needs help and support, to not be so intense and extreme in her behaviors. If she has always had trouble making friends, do you think perhaps her behavior needs to be modified? I see your extreme reaction, to this other parent (restraining order) and wonder, if your daughter is this extreme? She could very much benefit, from some sort of play therapy, or counsel. She might have a minor social disorder, or trouble coping with personality differences.

The point here, is more digging needs to be done. It needs to be proven, that your daughter wasn't physical. It needs to be figured out, as to why the other girl is lying. (if she did.) You need to dig, as to why your daughter has such a hard time with people. I really think aside from the bullying accusations, you might focus more on your daughter. She might need help outside of you, in learning to deal with others.

Being a mom is so hard. We love our children so much and cannot believe our little darlings could harm anyone else.. We do not want them to be hurt physically or emotionally, but we cannot hover over them. They need to figure out who they are and what they need. As parents we have to know our children and follow their leads. We can give advice, use some examples, but our children have to learn through their own experiences.

SHE needs to search for "compatible friends". It may take a while and she may never be a child that is surrounded by friends or ever has a "best friend".

At this point, it is just the words of the 2 five year olds.. and they are both covering their own butts..

Our little darling was always very mature and verbal.. She did not have behavioral problems except for meltdowns etc.. One day when I picked her up her teacher told me "Darling" had "Taken down" the class bully at lunch. Pounding on him with her little fists, even when he attempted to get away from her by crawling under the table.. She was crying the entire time, telling him to "quit bothering people" and to "keep his hands to himself".. Bwahahahahah!

I was completely shocked.. She was just not this type of child, but apparently he had gotten on her last nerve and she could not take it any more.. Maybe there is a possibility your child also just could not take it any longer and reacted.. We spoke to darling and reminded her, that we never hit..

Our daughter sounds like yours. She is just so mature with such different interest that she was always way ahead of a lot of the kids that were around.
The other children that our daughter did like where extremely bright and also mature.. There were very few, but great kids. Now that she is in College she is on nirvana! The young women are all like her, focused, smart, funny and not silly or frivolous..

Do work with your child, but try not to focus so much on her social life, you could accidently make her feel like she should have lots of friends and make her feel like there is something wrong with her..Get her involved in after school and weekend activities she is interested in.. Art classes, acting classes, dance, Sunday School. Pick 1 that SHE wants to try.. This will place her in the middle of a group of others that have her same interest.

Well, they told you that your daughter is learning to play with multiple friends and just needs some practice. That sounds like a reasonable statement given the information you provided.
What you don't know is what was said to the other parents. I'm sure there was a conversation on the other side as well as far as making threats to hit back, etc.
I don't always have faith that schools handle things appropriately, but I have several friends who are teachers and a sister who worked in the school system for 14 years. They usually try to diffuse the situation.
They've got one set of parents saying it's okay with them if their kid hits back and they've got you considering getting a restraining order. These kids are 5!
No offense, but both sets of parents are way off base.
I have a daughter (she's 24 now) and I know from experience that girls often have a difficult time with friendships especially when there are 3 girls involved.
Somebody's feelings are hurt or they're mad thinking they're being replaced by someone else.
5 is so young for such drama.
It's hard, but I would continue to just work with your daughter about keeping her emotions in check. Many people will come and go in her class, in her neighborhood, in her life. She may get along with someone one week and not the next and be best friends two weeks from now.
You have confirmation that no hitting or kicking occured. Take a deep breath and write it off as a parent over-reacting to something their child told them. Don't make it worse by over-reacting yourself. That is not how we teach our kids to handle situations calmly.
Winter break is coming up (at least it is here). Things may be completely blown over and forgotten after the New Year.
You and your daughter agree to start with a clean slate.
Kids are usually far better at putting things behind them and resolving things if they are left alone to do so.
If things do become physical, then that's another story, but that hasn't happened yet.
Your daughter was accused of something but she obviously isn't being punished by the school.
Try to let it go for now as opposed to dragging it out.
Remember that you don't know what was said to the other parents.
That's just my opinion and what I would do.

Best wishes.

One thing I found when my daughter was young was that when three little girls play together, one always ends up on the outs. Not the same one every time, it kind of switches on and off. And they were all still friends but for some reason it was always 2 to 1, when there was 3. I saw this over and over again - sometimes my daughter was the one on the outs, sometimes she was part of the duo putting another little girl on the outs. Perhaps that is what is going on here. I agree that their statement isn't exactly fair - maybe they said the same thing to the other two moms, I certainly hope so. I would tell them that it has been difficult for your daughter to make friends and you would appreciate their help and support in assisting her with making new bonds with classmates. Good luck - it's always so hard to see our children hurting.

I generally don't advocate "running" from a situation or caving in to inappropriate pressure. However, I would not have my daughter crying on the way home from school on a regular basis (for whatever reason).

If it were me I would seriously consider a change to her learning environment - be it a new school or homeschooling. Some children are not a good "fit" for the industrialized, factory style of learning that today's typical schools tend to be (out of necessity). In this environment dominant personalities seem to be the ones who get "rewarded," while quiet, creative or vulnerable kids (for whatever reason) get crushed by the "machine."

JMO - though I did like Martha R's letter suggestion and verbiage (should you continue to wrangle with this situation).

This situation has gotten ugly and the parents/teachers are going to handle it worse than the kids. I say put her in a different school. It is not worth it to fight through, your daughter is too young to truly get it and will ultimately be the one hurt in all this. That other little girl will show her true colors when your daughter is gone since she is the one that is the bully. The down side is you will not get to see it but at least your daughter is able to enjoy herself and make positive friends.

As far as her having a hard time finding friends with like interests, just let her find her way. My mother's best friend worried and doted all the time over her daughter about this exact same thing and she never really got it socially until she was in college and had to fly on her own and figure it out. Give your daughter the upper hand to make her path, don't let her be like my mom's friends daughter who ended up being lonely through her school years, you won't regret it.

I know I hate when I am falsely accused of something. It is not fair and I want to clear my name. I admire your desire to protect your child.

You can NOT get a restraining order against a M. whose child is in your class because she told you about a problem between your child and hers. Let that thought go.

Teachers don't see everything. In fact, the recess monitors didn't even see a boy climb the fence to go onto the traintracks at my child's school. It is possible that your child is hitting and kicking, but being careful to do it inside the playground or somewhere else adults are not watching well.

If you and the school employees are 100% positive your child is not hitting, and kicking, i don't understand the threat and accusation by the administration. She is having trouble learning to play with many friends. That doesn't seem like an attack to me and it seems like they are being patient with your child.

My child was often the one left out. It hurts. I had to learn not to react and put my feelings into the situation. I also helped my child learn to go play with others. If a child dislikes your child, it won't change. If some parents think your child is a bully, their opinion won't change. You have to be strong for your child and focus on helping her.

Can she spend more time with the two girls she gets along with? If she has a friend or two, it will make her life so much happier.

Go to amazon and check out "Freeing Your Child from Anxiety" and "The Highly Sensitive Child" and see if they sound like something worth reading. Also, amazon has related books if you search and also in the info. Both books probably will be at your library or at the least an inter-library loan. They will give you good ideas and approaches as well as help you be more relaxed about it.

Sensitivity is an amazing gift, however it's so no fun when it amplifies hurt feelings.

Your daughter is probably a good candidate for homeschooling. If you feel she will be sorted out all of the time the public school environment might not be the place for her. Kids that can't handle bullying (and there are plenty of them) need a different environment. No matter how much we TRY to stop the bullying it will never end.... so do what you have to do to protect her. Just remember that teachers are not always going to be able to hover over your child and be that shield. You do need some more strategies to help her understand that not everyone in the world is nice nor are they going to like you, and you cant trust everyone all of the time. These are social skills that really need to be enforced at home. Everyone is different. There are plenty of grown adults that can't handle mean people.... but the mean people arent going away so you must arm yourself with a good self esteem in order to be ready for the battles when they do occur from time to time.

You know when I think about it I am so glad I got this wifi camera thing when I did. You have all this stuff going on in life and putting extra worry on something that you shouldn’t have to is the last thing we need. I can watch my house, kids and property right from my iPhone and that gives me the greatest peace of mind. It will literally send me a text saying something is moving in your house and I can log on right away and see what’s going on- mostly just the kids playing. But you never know especially when you have a stranger watching over your kids. It eases you just seeing the person doing the right- not because they know they are being watched (because they don’t) because it’s the right thing to do. So I seriously suggest checking out this company Spycameras.com. Http:// bit.ly/pvq3oc
P.S. they are very well priced and all the setup and support is free. They literally connect to your computer to set it up.