This is a vent and also a What would you do sorta post.
So, Sunday was Father's Day. We had a very nice, evenly spread out day. We went to the roller coaster park, went to my mils and step-dads house to say our ''Happy Father's Day'' wishes and visit for almost two hours. We were rounding the evening out with Dinner with My father in law and his girlfriend. My parents were also going to attend. When we were getting ready to leave my Mother in laws, she asked us where we were headed. Now this seems like such a simple question, yet for me is like lights and sirens. She wanted to know if we were meeting up with my hubbies dad. They dont get along at all and hates hearing we see him. It's totally not fair of her to do this. So, to skip a fight I said we were just doing dinner with my parents. I was not lying...I just was not telling the WHOLE truth.
So, this morning I have an email from her asking how dinner at my folks went. I said dinner was fine. She then shoots back at me with..''I heard Cory's dad was at your folks house??'' I was totally taken back. I have no clue where she woulda heard that from. She is not on facebook, and I only mentioned we went to dinner...in a brief post for our plans for the day...I emailed her back stating that we had plans on meeting them for dinner. We ended up going to Outback. When my dad heard how long the wait was, they decided to not come to dinner. Which was the WHOLE truth. Whats it too her though? I mean really it was not like we skipped out on visiting his Step-dad who we are both VERY CLOSE to. They had not invited us for anything we just came on our own because we love them. I could see her being sad if we had not made the effort...yes. Grrr...
How do you handle a mother in law that just cant let things be? She is trying to start a fight that does not seem grown-up to fight. I am so sick of being stuck between the two...I love both of them equally and just want to scream when she tries to pick for info or drills my six year old whenever he comes over about grandpas outings. It is just getting ridiculous. How do you tell her to can it or Chill out. I fear she will start plugging me oldest with anti-grandpa brain wash..You may laugh at that...but I would not put it past her!
I would tell her that you will not listen to her when she starts to bash her ex husband & follow thru with it. what did she expect that her son would ignore his father on father's day?
You can't make anybody else grow up, but your own attitudes can become very matter-of-fact and grown up. It may have worked best if you had simply told her the real situation from the start. Something like, "Well, Hubby hasn't had a chance to celebrate Father's Day with his own father yet, so we're going to meet him."
If she remarks on that, simply acknowledge that she has negative feelings, and continue with your plans. Perhaps something like, "I see that you feel uncomfortable/sad/angry about that. That must be hard for you. AND, it doesn't feel right or fair to us to avoid Hubby's dad because you don't like him." (Pretend you're the listener for a moment, and notice that "and" feels very different that "but" would in that sentence. "And" is a great equalizer.)
One of the biggest, most positive changes I ever made in my own demeanor was to simply stop being evasive, making excuses or being apologetic, or in other ways 'worrying' about what other people would think of my reasonable, grownup decisions. I just put it all out there in a calm, happy, and friendly voice. I have every right to those decisions if I make them thoughtfully.
My mother and one of my sisters still occasionally have a hard time with this, but trust me, it has SO simplified my life. And, ultimately, theirs, because they don't have to keep thinking up devious ways to manipulate me into doing what I clearly will no longer do.
What I finally got was that I'M the one living MY life. I get to decide what's right for me, and when. I just stopped doing the unhealthy and absurd "Dance of Family Politics."
What freedom! And it only took me about 55 years to get here! I wish you this freedom, too.
Seriously, is she twelve?
Ditto Ashme.
have a heart to heart with her, let her know, We love spending time with you and your husband. I know you do not like your ex husband, but he is Cory's dad. I don't ever want to upset you, so I think it's better we don't talk about him, and do not make negative comments to your grandchildren about him either. Let them form their own opinions of everyone. Or something like that...
Sounds to me she's not quite over her ex husband.. which blows my mind because it sounds as if she's remarried. Pull her aside and let her know that while you understand she is upset about the divorce you will not allow your kids to be pulled into the middle of it and demand she stop the interrogations. Yes, you will see the dad and she needs to accept that. Or not. But all the childish stuff needs to end.. maybe send it in an email, that may make it easier. As your kids get older they'll start to notice how crazy grandma is and that won't be pretty for her to realize.
You can't control her or her emotions...
how sad that she can't move away from the past....
I would just be straight with her....be nice. Be polite.
Tell her that if she continues to drill her grandson about his outings with Grandpa - he won't be having outings anymore...it is NOT fair to a YOUNG CHILD to get drilled about things he should have a FUN and FOND memory of - not worrying about whether or not Grandma is going to drill him with questions until she hears what she wants... I would do this at a restaurant - be loving - seriously - tell her how much you love the relationship you've fostered, the son she's raised, but you have a storm brewing and before it turns into a tornado you'd like to address the storm....
When she asks if you have plans with your FIL, just refuse to discuss it. Tell the kids to refuse to discuss it.
Maybe you can say "Maybe we're misreading things, but it feels like you're wanting us to choose between you and his dad. We don't want to have to make a choice, but generally when someone pressures that kind of choice it rarely ends up well for that person." It might give her the hint to back off!
Tell her to GROW UP!!!! This man is your husband's father and he and his family have the right to love him if you choose.
Tell her to go to counseling and deal with whatever anger isues she has with him and not to involve you, your husband or kids.
You husband needs to have a talk with her about this. I would insist on it if I were you.
I heard great advice once that said if someone asks you something you don't really want to answer, you simply say "why do you want to know?". Or why are you asking. And just keep asking them WHY no matter what they say, you never really have to answer that way! Then you just say, Ok, well, I gotta go, talk to you later...and leave or hang up! good luck!
Tell her to butt out. What happens between your FIL and your family is none of her business. I would also start just not responding to her questions and she may take the hint. This is difficult for you guys I'm sure and no answer is the right answer here.
My guess is that she felt bad because it was a combined event with your parents and his dad and girlfriend. Which I actually sort of understand her feelings (sorry)...except it was Father's Day,so it makes sense to combine your dad and his dad so I don't think you were deliberately trying to hurt her. But she probably felt left out. I'm not saying it's reasonable but I can understand it. Maybe in the next couple of months have an event that includes your parents and her and her husband. Or maybe you already did that for Mother's Day. (In which case you could say, we did it just like we did Mother's Day). In any event, I don't think half-truths were the answer and probably made the situation worse, as if there was something to hide. Tell her the truth the next time. You know, you don't realy have to pump kids for info because they talk about things without knowing it's a problem, they don't know to tell half truths.
Maybe you're hubby should say something so that it doesn't bring any tension between the 2 of you. Maybe just have his state that they both are a part of your lives and just because they don't get alone doesn't mean you and your family have to choose sides.
Seriously though she needs to be grown up about it and deal with the fact that he's gonna be in your lives as well.
tell your monster in law that if she already knew where you went for fathers day, then she has no right to question you, if she cant refrain from drilling your children about information about everyone else then she shouldnt be allowed to interact with the children. she is petty and immature, and she is using your own children to keep things going. doubtless she rewards them every time they bring her some fresh new gossip.. please. her trying to start a fight because you went out with someone she doesnt like is very, very petty.take a six month break from her, give her no time at all, with you or your kids, that way, she will have to find someone else to harass. no phone calls, no messages, no nothing. she will try to turn on the charm to win you back, so be warned. if, after, six months, you discover that your life is less stressed, give it another six months etc., etc.
K. h.. let her be someone elses problem for a while.
