Understanding My Daughter

I am of the opinion that parents should focus on the grades, attitude, stress level, happiness factor rather than on reading material or music of choice.

7th graders are finding their "niche", their "group" into which to fit.

If she is not showing signs of anxiety, drug use or depression, then she's probably a typical 7th grader!

Keep the communication OPEN so she can talk to you if & when she needs to!

I had to look up what "emo" means. This website http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Emo that also has articles to understand the culture. Here is what it said: "Have you recently felt depressed? Alone? Abandoned by your family and friends? Misunderstood by the world? If you have, and like to express your feelings and emotions through poetry and music, chances are you're what today's society considers "emo".
My daughter is 13 and we often text or email and she has even asked me questions and requested that I respond "in cyberspace, not in the real world". I think a lot of changes are happening, and kids this age want to be grown up but also still feel like a kid half the time. I am glad my daughter communicates even if it is mostly on text/email, and in person she is at times very distant and at other times almost hyper talkative. Having periods, girl friends that are no longer interested but are now into boys, new friends that have similar interests but that she is just getting to know, mom going through peri-menopause (haha, we are both hormonal which is not a great mix!), a kid sister who adores her but also bugs her with her when she wants to be left alone, all are things that are hard to handle. I would maybe write her a letter and re-read it many times before leaving it in her room to let her know you love her, that you praise her for finding out who she is, that you are there for her when she needs you, etc. but also set some ground rules: no rudeness, you need to know where she is (my daughter had to text me back or else she loses privileges). Then ask if there is anything she would like to change in your relationship. You might be surprised to find that you are still treating her like a pre-teen and she may want you to back off and let her make her own mistakes. It is also common when kids open up to offer all kinds of advice when really they just want to vent and reason out loud, not get our solutions. It is a journey, but the time to walk beside her is almost over so tread carefully. Good luck.

K.K.,
I'd start by actually talking to her and really listening to what she says. This is such a fragile age, their bodies are changing and hormones have their emotions all out of whack. Outside influences can sway them in one direction or the other, they really are delicate, trying to be more grown up, yet still be a kid. Just be there to listen without any judgement and build her up . Let her know it's ok to be different, and some people don't have the confidence or courage to be different and be their own person,so,.. they point this out when being around someone who is. I would also talk to her guidance counselor at school and ask that she talk with her to see what's going on in her head. You want to be the one she talks to, but, she may not open up completely because you are her Mom and they usually feel you are a little biased. Don't take it personally. She does appear to maybe have some depression and you can talk to her Dr as well about that. You may even ask that a eval be done. She may need some therapy, (and from experience with my granddaughter , it can mean the world .) As for school, well , they all hate it at one time or another. What are her grades like ? They can be a big indicator of what's going on.
Above all, be positive, love her, build her up and be there for her. I wouldn't be too concerned about the other stuff just yet, you have a bigger battle to fight. Although you can talk to her or ask her about why she likes that kind of music, just don't pass judgement about it. Ask her what the song is saying in her own words, this could be an eye opener as well , as to what she's feeling and if she relates to the lyrics at all. I'd also try to get her involved in extra curricular activtity of some kind,..., when they have too much time on their hands, sometimes they have too much time to think/dwell on negative thoughts.
This too will pass, eventually, and it can either bring you two closer together or tear you apart. Step lightly and Lovingly. Best wishes , C. S.

I used to say that I dropped my daughter off at the bus stop for the 7th grade in a pink courduroy skirt and matching sweater and when I picked her up, she was wearing black eyeliner and a black leather coat. The change happened so quickly! I think kids at this age are very cliquish and if you don't make it into the "cool group", you struggle to find a niche. Unfortunately, that niche is often something a little more alternative than we'd like. Stay close to her and communicate with her every day about what is happening at school. Even though she may push you away, keep trying, make it light and brief - not to nag her, but just so she knows you are interested in her and how things are going. Find out what types of after school activities the school offers and see if you can interest her in anything (maybe something a little artistic to fit with her image, like working on the set for the school play or a photography club) and encourage her to join up. If she's not interested in that, look for outside community classes - like maybe a class in poetry or writing. You want to keep her socializing on a positive plane and involved in positive experiences as much as you can. Good luck.

AHHHHH middle school yrs..... kids can be so mean at that age. I dont even know what "Emo" means lol.

I was like Theresa's daughter... started out preppy little girl and then by the middle of Freshman yr in HS I had all different colors of hair, nose ring, my mom hated my music, friends that are questionable.

I would engage her in conversation as much as possible.

Im sure she will be fine. Good luck :)

Hi KK, I have a 13 yo daughter in 8th grade.

Last year she started the year as an Abercrombie poster child, and finished the year as well, somewhere between Emo and a Rocker (not wearing all black, with heavy black eye liner and such, but def went from 'pretty girl' to something entirely different.

This year, the hair is going back to normal (she's a natural blonde, she had it all black with a bleach blonde stripe) and she's moving to a more mature look). With out exactly encouraging her change of self expression, I havn't FORBIDDEN it either.

But she is an excellent student, has WAY too many friends, is not especially moody and enjoys school all through the 'change'.

I guess what I'm saying is the dsire to be different and change her look and attitude is very common for girls that age. To be expected.....

But a major change in attitude towards school and friends and a consistently different mood suggests there is more to it, you know?

Are you able to discuss what's going on with her in a non threatening way?
Until you find out what her mind set is, it's hard to say what her problem is.

Keep her close, lead her into communication by asking specific questions, by maybe showing her you can relate to whatever she's going through.

Hopefully it will just be a phase (I think EVERY child goes through a number of I HATE SCHOOL PHASES especially in middle school).

But if by the end of the year, it hasn't improved, I would probably seek out some help. I would probably take her to see someone. Maybe ask your ped for a referal.

Hope this helps!

:)

I agree with Julie. She's probably just trying to find where she can fit in and is having a hard time. I would def try to encourage her in some positive directions but try do it without sounding judgmental--you know how touchy kids her age can be. I wonder if there is a book club at her school? Or if she could start one? You might encourage her to bring it up to a teacher or something. That would empower her as the leader of the club while also allowing her to meet other people who share a common interest.

Middle School years are very confusing not only to us as parent but definitely to our children. I have heard so many mothers say they hated the middle school years. That is where our children start trying to find themselves and fit in at the same time. Some withdraw, some jump in. Emotions run rampant. My only and hopefully best advice would be to make sure your daughter knows you love her and want what is best for her. Allow her some privacy, but be aware as it sounds you are of her surroundings and mention your concern in loving ways. Ask her what she likes about that particular song in a non-judgemental way, it could be she just likes the rythym or it could be that she is relating to the words somehow and if that is the case, it will give you opportunity to ask more questions. Be aware, she may look at you as if you are crazy, but down deep she truly does care and wants you to talk to her (based on statistics in our area - even when our teens/preteens say they don't want to talk they really do want to know we care). If I remember the book "The Outsiders" it is about some lonely, teens that are outcast that depended on one another. I had a wonderful teacher that read the book outloud to the class during the 7th grade. She made it sound very real and present time, that was 30 years ago! Just talk to her and keep communication open as much as possible by not being too judgemental, share your own thoughts and memories with her of being the same age. It will help her know she is not alone. It is hard as mothers to get the cold shoulder from our teens, but sometimes they will surprise you by really listening when they are acting as if they don't care. The only other advice - is don't take it too personally if you don't get a positive or even any response. Just sharing gives her the idea that you are open to her.
I have 4 children 18 and above - two daughters - one didn't like to talk, the other did and I learned a few things in between in dealing with them, but hind sight is 20/20... so good luck and best wishes - hang in there and when she is in her 20's she will appreciate you more than you could know.
M.