Random, but Curious

7th grade was when I started to listen to them about what they wanted to wear, but I still made the ultimate decisions on what was school appropriate until they graduated high school.

At whatever age they take an interest (my son is almost 2). For me, it is important to support my son's ability to make decisions and have personal preferences - it will be the foundation of his sense of self. As long as my son's choices fall into the realm of "appropriate" and are safe, I let him exercise some freedom. If, for whatever reason, I have a strong preference, I give myself the right to trump his choices...I consider that being part of my job as his mom.

Our daughter did all of this since she could voice her own decisions. She is pretty practical, but we really did not have any problems with any of her choices in music or clothing.

My son has been participating in his clothing choices since he was a toddler - Elmo over Cookie Monster at that time, and now colors and styles and brands at age 14.

Music choices have evolved through his exposure to various genres - now he prefers popular music, aka "what all the kids listen to". I tune in also so we can discuss the lyrics or the themes of the songs and I can identify to him what and why I feel some lyrics are inappropriate.

Literature, TV and movies- he has developed preferences also based on exposure to genres. I still limit what movies and TV shows he can watch and we have a great librarian who recommends age appropriate books for him in the genres that he prefers.

Open dialogue - communication and, as as parent, knowing what the current teen trends are have helped us to find a balance between what I want and what he wants.

Good Luck and God Bless

Its definatley all about the maturity and readiness of your child. Its also the amount of trust that you have in them, to allow them to make those decisions. I personally always let my daughter pick out her own clothes. I started letting her shop with friends at 13yrs old. Now at 17, she's a trend setter. Musically, some of what she listens to suprises me. She has a variety of different types. A lot of times I find myself singing songs that I hear her playing on her ipod! Lol. But, I trust her. I think that's very important.

it's not a hard-and-fast thing. my kids always had a lot of input on what they wore and listened to. when they were little we had some veto power, but never with explaining why. it just naturally moved into trusting them and letting them be in charge of their own bodies as much as possible. they didn't always make decisions i liked, but they never did it from a place of rebellion or without thought, which is ultimately all i wanted.
khairete
S.

16?!?! Your friend sounds like she's planning on raising completely inept adults incapable of making any of their own decisions. Either that, or once they are allowed to have their own minds, they're going to go absolutely crazy with it.

I let my 10 year old daughter know when either clothing, music, tv shows, etc. are inappropriate, but otherwise she makes her own choices. My almost 12 year old son has the same rules, but he doesn't care at all about clothes, or music really either, though I do regulate his video games.

I think they can have input as soon as they can express a like for one color shirt over another (my 3 year old is allowed to decide if she likes shirt A or shirt B, etc. when we shop) but the final say is yours until they get a job and can purchase things with their own money and even then you still get to say you are NOT wearing that trashy number to school.

Son number one chose his own clothes at age 3, and he was good at it! His choices were much better than the clothes I would have picked for him. Sons number 2 and 3 couldn't care less, though #2's default choice favors green shirts. They're now 24, 20, and 18, and they're still behaving much the same way.

All of them, by the way, were choosing their books and music by the time they were 7 or 8 years old, with some discreet parental oversight, since all purchases were charged to my credit card anyway.

It isn't something that can be learned overnight.
I am working it in gradually. About the age of 6 or 7 mine wanted to explore the stores and pick start picking out her own.

There are times when she can't where what she wants....like shorts and a miranda cosgrove shirt to church. But that is when the lesson of a time and place for everything comes in.

I agree, when they show they're ready. I have a neice that's been able to pick out her clothes and dress herself better than her mom could since the age of 2. She's very fasion aware and will be a GREAT designer when she grows up. Her brother however is 8 and has no clue on how to pick out his own clothes and needs help every day. (usually his sister!!)

I think you slowly give your kids independence as they grow. the only time they can make ALL their own decisions is whn they live alone and supporting themselves. But as for music i don't care what my teen (13 and up) listens to as long as it is not disturbing anyone else- ie I don't want to hear swears, screaming echoing thru house -if its on your earphones fine that is your decision. Clothes I ask that clothes are clean, and holes don't show anything inappropriate and not too revealing. That said school has a pretty good dress code so I don't have to worry to much there- The only time I say anything to my kids is if we are going to a function where we need to dress up..ie church. Mostly I think each child is different and its on a case by case basis..

I have NO idea.

My own 8yo has been responsible for dressing himself (I buy the clothes) since he was 2... and is now 80% responsible for what clothes we now buy (I get veto).

On music... it's been about 80/20 since he was a toddler. We have something like 10 or 15 thousand songs in our library (dad's a musician)... he can listen to nearly all of them. (We do the full range from classical to punk). I'm pretty arbitrary in my vetos on music. He can listen to Nina Simone sing all about sex, but not nine inch nails. His favorite artists (currently) are GreenDay, Bob Marley, Sugarland, Crystal Method, Benny Goodman, & Wanger.

When will I give him total control? No idea whatsoever. Theoretically at 14.5 he gets a "full vote" in all matters (aka adult status in our family is given at 14.5). So PROBABLY by then if not before... but even adults need to take other people into account. Meaning if my mum hates a song I'm playing, I change it... and neither of us are YOUNG adults, like he would be.

I've found, however, that especially in regards to children... what I "plan" on happening and what actually does are often 2 entirely separate creatures. Until it actually comes to pass... I can only answer with a "We'll see."

It depends on the child. More their attitude than anything else. My son, 12, has already formed a lot of his opinions about music (my husband is an audiophile) with early guidance from us. But he isn't allowed to have anything with lyrics we disapprove of.
Daughter, 9, has not really formed any hard and fast musical opinions yet.

Both kids are particular about their clothing, so they have had a "say" in it for years now. There is really no point in me spending $ on something for them to relegate it to the back of the closet and never wear it. That is a complete waste. So I always get input from them before I buy. Does that mean they get to choose whatever they want? Heck NO! But we work together on choosing---that is how they learn to look acceptable and what is NOT acceptable attire.

My kids decide what their preferences are for both clothing and music. Ultimately, I get a veto. Luckily, Britney Spears is no longer appealing to little girls because that would have been a VETO. My little girls like age-appropriate music- spongebob songs, disney songs, fresh beat band, with a little bit of Justin Bieber and Hannah Montana mixed in, which is fine with me.

As far as clothes, I also get the ultimate say but I have respect for their preferences. My 7 year old tends to be a bit trendy while my 4 year old is more practical. As long as their clothing is weather and age appropriate, I let them have at it.

My girls are 9 and 7. Up until recently I bought all of their clothes without them with me. They were the ones who picked out the actual ensembles (some of which made me cringe, but they were never inappropriate) Now they shop with me and I rarely have to veto anything. I guess they're still "little" enough to be happy with the cute matching shorts and tees at Target. As far as music goes, as long as it doesn't have curse words I let them listen to whatever they want. They both have little "boom boxes" in their rooms, so I can hear what they're playing. 9 times out of 10 they're playing current music that I actually listen to also. We're having a little issue with Avril Lavigne's song "What the Hell" - I don't want them saying that, but the song is on EVERY radio station these days. Part of the problem is that I actually like the song and listen to it in my iPod when I run - ha ha! Anyway, I've explained to them they they can listen to the song, but the minute I hear them say "what the hell" it'll be gone. So far so good. I think having dialogues like that is important. Just be able to talk about what is OK and what is not.

I let my kids help pick out clothes. My 4 year old and ^ year old are very picky dressers. My four year old likes ''smaller shirts'' He likes being able to see his tummy sticking out through the shirt. Not hanging out under it but just tight so he can stick it out for a good laugh. My 6 year old, is very picky about what his shirts say and look like. Since i pick my battles with them and clothes is not one i want to fight...I let it go. as long as they are dressed weather appropriate I let um choose:)

I will put my foot down if they want to wear shorts in the middle of winter...no coat on the play ground at school or things along those lines. Their safety is still kept in mind when it comes to dressing.

Are we talking about modesty clothes-wise or jsut picking out stripes vs. polka dots? My kids have had a lot of freedom in term of which clothes to wear on any given day since they were toddlers - if they wanted to go to preschool in PJ's one day I'd let them (with a back-up bag of street clothes). But we have hard & fast guidelines as far as modesty & decency.

My oldest is 14. Our rules are as follows - mom and dad pay for shelter, food, clothing, school needs, activities, etc. Since we take care of neccessities - and kids have to follow our guidelines - as long as they live with us. Once they are grown up adult people taking financial responsibility for themselves they can do whatever they want - including the types of video games, body piercings, tattoos, etc. They can wear their hair anyway they want as long as it's neat. They can pick out the color, length etc. If my son wants purple hair, or wants to shave it - that's fine. It's only hair - but we've already told them no tattoos or peircing until they are grown and out.

As for clothing - as long as it's modest & decent they can wear it. Boobs and butts cannot be popping out. "daisy duke" shorts & low cut shirts are never allowed. For my son t-shirt with designs are fine but we don't allow profantities or skulls. (Personally I think skulls are part of a culture of death - I mean, really , when do you see a skull? ...on a dead, rotted corpse. Not gonna be on our clothing - but I know many other people don't see it that way.) But my kids have known this for years and they don't even bother trying anymore - they know the rules. That being said we go shopping quite often and they find lots of stuff that they like. American Eagle seems to be a place we can all agree on and we frequently find good deals and use coupons.

As for music - it's so so so hard. Again, I don't care about the style of music, but the lyrics are a problem. Definitely more than half (maybe as much as 90%) of all music on the radio involves, sex, alcohol, or some kind of mysogeny. Women are subjects, items to be used & discarded - even when woman are the artist their words are frequently about being subjected - how about about beign injected with their lovers' "poison". Really? Is this the kind of healthy relationship we want to foster in our kids? My kids know I won't have most of this music playing in my presence. I won't have it on the radio in the car - we'll have the radio on and as soon as I hear disturbing lyrics I ask them "What does that mean?" and let the kids come to their own conclusions and tell me what they think it means. The 14 will roll her eyes and tell me - but she and her friends know what the message I'm trying to impact to them - they do know, Then we turn the station. ;o)

At this point my 14 yr old daughter listens to alot of Christian music: rap, hip hop, female rock groups & Taylor Swift. But she doesn listen to the radio when her ipod isnt' charged. yuck. I anticipte pushback in the future as she gets older. Her former "boyfriend" listen to alot of hard rock and she couldn't stand it. My 11 yr old son is more concerned with what other kids think so he's going to be more of a problem with the music. I honestly don't know how we're going to handle that as we go along.

We are a very conservative family - I was a teenager in the 70's and in retrospect I truly believe I was influenced by alot of the music I listened to over the 10+ years of that time - and for the most part not in a positive way - and the music was really much more tame than now. I shudder to think of the impact of today's music on young women and they men they're hoping to be their partners in life. The sexual revolution did not do us ANY favors.

I have to say there seem to be alot of parents who've just given up on these fronts however. Either they've thrown up their hands in defeat, or they don't see it as disturbing. There have been MANY MANY times I've seen teenage grils get dropped off at school wearing attire that is shockinly appropriate only for streetwalkers - seriously. Skirts so short their butts show as they get out of the car, black fishnet stocking, leather boots over the knees, tiny shirts, I could go on. Then I see the typical suburban mom in the driver's seat of the car waving bye to her dear daughter as she walks in to school. I don't know what to think...

I think maturity level is always the answer. Kids don't magically get ready to have a date or make decisions suddenly, with no practice, on their birthdays.
As for CLOTHING and MUSIC: I don't really care. I hold veto power, but if my son wants to wear his cowboy hat or a polo shirt, I couldn't care less. My husband doesn't let him go out in cowboy boots and shorts, but if he wants to play in the yard like that, more power to him. We have tshirts that are folded in the dresser that are just "hang around the house" shirts (painting, messy play, yard work, etc) and the shirts that are hung up in the closet are what we wear when leaving the house. If you mean issues with how much is too much for girls? Start teaching them at a young age what is appropriate and encourage that...don't be giving them knee high boots and short skirts as a 4 year old and then suddenly they have to wear modest clothes after age 12. I walk past clothes like that and marvel--what are parents thinking? As for music, that too is up to them (within reason). My kids are very small but the youngest likes....nearly anything. That includes The Wiggles, who are NOT my friends (ha). My oldest likes Justin Bieber and Vanessa Black's "Friday" song, which cracks me up but whatever floats his boat. I play different genres of music constantly though, so they hear a wide variety (classical to ska, country, rock, oldies, pop-punk, doo wop, some rap, some pop, lots of praise and worship, world beat, raggae, swing, all of it). I get the "clean versions" of some songs downloaded (he likes Black Eyed Peas "Boom boom pow" but it's the "child friendly" version that I download, etc). He knows that we do not allow certain bands or songs because the lyrics or people are ridiculously offensive, and why I don't like that. Styles of music, I don't mind. Specific songs are not ok, especially at his young and impressionable age. If they're mature enough to discuss it with you, they may be mature enough to make their own decisions. I don't know though, we'll "feel it out" when they get old enough. (Mine are 4 and 17 months).

But it isn't like flipping a switch, it's a learning process. It's not like you get to decide when they get opinions or what those are. When they start expressing opinions, that's the clue to start letting them learn to decide and defend opinions. I still usually pick what my 10yo wears because she doesn't care, but on the days she does care she picks a combo and we can discuss what look she's going for and where she'll be wearing it. When she sheepishly confessed to liking a certain music of a different style from our normal, we talked about what attracted her to it so she gets the difference between her taste and "because my friends do."

I was 9 when my mom let me start picking those things (with her veto power). However, I let my kids (almost 5 and almost 2) make choices now. I'll let my son pick a music genre in the car (kids music, classical, or rock--he thinks it's funny to hear about music that was popular when I was a kid or what Gramps likes). I buy my kids clothes, but try to honor their preferences (pink, pants rather than dresses, and hoodie jackets for my daughter, and my son goes through phases such as a favorite color, pattern, or style--right now he is into button down shirts). Then I let them pick them out as long as they are appropriate to the weather/situation. So, my daughter wore a pink sundress with tights (pink strips), a hoodie (pink), and uggs. Not what I would pick, but she was happy and I hope she will grow up feeling confident about her ability to make decisions (I did not). She did also make a number of moms I saw today at my son's preschool smile as they've been there too (although there are plenty there who clearly pick their children's clothes carefully too). When I do have to set limits I try to say why so my kids can learn about our family values and hopefully they'll learn how to make decisions that way. Also, my kids are really strong-willed (as are my husband and I) and I can't imagine how horrible it would be if I fought every little thing.