Uncontrolable Behavior

It is my total opinion that your fiance should not be disciplining your children at all at this point. It should all go through you. You really need to allow your children to choose whether or not they are going to trust him. You can't force them to trust him, which is what they are going to have to do in order to what to be guided or whatever by him.

I also would not allow anyone into my life that would not respect me enough to not treat my children with much more respect than that. They are going through a major change and they are naturally NOT going to like it. Your fiance really needs to be soft and work into gaining a relationship with them before he is allowed to discipline them.

I know this is very hard because you love someone that is actually willing to accept you and your children, but don't be too desperate to have that man for yourself at your children's expense. A good man will have more patience.

I really wish you all the luck in the world. It is hard to start over with children. Just talk with him and also talk with your son. Ask questions and get him excited about your finace entering your family. He won't be excited if he already feels like he is going to be a threat.

Good luck!

This might be a bit of a controversial response but here I go.
Your fiance needs to be sensitive to the fact that your son is having a tough time seeing him as an authority figure. I'm sure you want to marry this man but yelling does not help and since your son will be emotionally hurt by being yelled at all the time it's your responsibility to put your foot down and not allow your fiance to yell at him. I know it's hard but your child needs to respect ANY adult whether they are their father or not and you should address his behavior with logical consequences.

I was in a similar situation before. My oldest son is 6 and has a diffrent father than my husband. My son was rude, disrespectful, and made it hard for my husband to want to be around him. First of all your fiancee cannot discipline him that needs to come from you. Second you fiancee and your son need to spend time alone. I know it is hard working full time. But they need to have something that is theirs. Maybe he can read a bedtime story just him. Also your fiancee needs to know that it is 100% up to him to make the relationship work. It's not the childs. He also needs to know that a child with do anything for attention. Whether it's negative or not, so that's where the attitude comes from. It's gonna take time and effort but you don't want your fiancee to be known as the dicsiplinarian only it HAS to be backed by love. Hope it helps.

Hi R.,

I can relate a bit because my little girl is not biologically my husbands. It has been an adjustment. One thing I did was talk to him and explain that anger makes matters worse. In our situation, she is very sensitive to our emotions, and reacts in the opposite way we would like when we get frustrated. Another thing is, we took a parenting class and learned the difference between punishment and discipline. The biggest difference is punishment involves anger. Discipline is to help the child learn w/o anger. We did not know the difference, because both Tim and I were mostly punished as children. I'm not sure if you are spriritual, but we look to God for help with our situation when anger rears its ugly head. Once Tim realized that anger instills fear, he backed off and really became much more patient. Hope this helps you...

Blessings,

K

I agree with all of the other mother's. Your fiance should not be disciplining him. And your fiance should be more sensitive to your son's feelings. Yelling, although we all do it ata times, is rarely appropriate. Whe we yell we have lost control. Sounds to me that your fiance needs to learn some parenting skills which would include ways of interacting with your son. He can ask your son to do things if he learns ways of making the request and redircting attention when his request doesn't work. And is able to manage his own frustration as well as understand and accept your son's frustration. Your fiance is the adult and has to be the one who maintains control of his emotions and actions.

It's up to you to teach your son to show respect to others. It's your fiance's responsibility to show respect for others including your son so that he is a role model for all of your children. He is not showing respect to you if he yells at your son and isn't listening and acting in the way you want him to treat your children. He is desrespecting your son and you.

I know how frustrating it must be to walk into a ready made family. And adult must first learn how to positively handle his own frutration before he can expect the child to handle his.

And this must make you feel like you're in the middle. This is not a good sign for your relationship. I would expect my fiance to co-operate with me accepting the way that I discipline and not interfere by forcing my child to accept him. I would expect him to give as few orders as possible and if my son did not comply let me handle the situation. Your son needs to learn from you how you expect him to behave. Having your fiance angry with him really damages everyone's relationship.

There are some good books on step-parenting and I recommend that you check some out at the library.

You are in a difficult place and I wish the best for you as you work it out. M.

I believe that your older son may be having a hard time adjusting to a new father figure in his life. I know that people have varying opinions on this but I think that you and your fiance need to sit down and discuss what you both think the appropriate avenue of punishment is. Let your fiance know that when he gets frustrated at your son that he needs to walk away and that one tantrum at a time is all that can be handled.
I suggest that maybe your fiance and your son do something special together once a week or month. Let your son and your fiance bond. Even if all they do is go get ice cream or watch a movie or whatever. I think that it is important for your son to realize that your fiance is not trying to replace his dad, but he is an authority figure that needs to be respected. Good luck.

My situation is similar and the oldest is now 19! Children are very perceptive and selfish as a survival mechanism. They will "divide and conquer" if they sense any ambiguity on the part of the adults. We addressed this by consistently enforcing the "he says what I say" and vice versa. I was more at fault feeling a need to protect the child that he adopted. It takes years and a lot of talking and planning out how to deal with situations. (By the way, the younger kids will observe this and learn from it.) Anti-social behavior means a time out, the rest of the family shouldn't get stressed due to anothers poor choice. Fair treatment for all kids will reassure them there is no difference in your feelings and add security to the son who is having emotional outbursts.

I have a similar problem to this that I received advice for on this site. I was told to buy the book 1,2,3 Magic cuz it works. And let me tell you...I have only been using it for two days but it has been working and I am so so happy.

as far as your son goes, there is a big need for you and your fiance to comunicate about discipline. you need to be one and your son will see that- fact is your son will be yours forever and sad to say partners come and go (so it seems). also if you and your sons dad still talk, i would get with him too, so perhaps he could also get on board with the consistancy issue...im sure if he [sons father] got with a new woman, he would feel the same way you do with your sons behavior towards the new "parent." hope that helps :)

Perhaps if they spent some one on one time doing something your son picks. Some male bonding?

I don't agree with the other ladies. I understand that your fiance and you have 2 other children together and the oldest is not his. if he gives special treatment to the oldest the younger ones will not know why daddy is'nt discaplining him. I do understand that children throw fits to get attention weather it's good or bad. the fiances nees to learn to tune him out when throwing tantrums. It's hard I know because kids can go for hours. mine are very hard to tune out becuase I have thin wals in my apts and the old hag next door will come over if they are yelling long and tell me to control my children. she is such a hag. anyway. I truly think that if your son if throwing a fit fiance should leave the room and so should you. leave him alone and tell him he can only throw a fit in his room and send him away to be in there by himself. this will teach him that it does'nt work in your home and he is'nt getting attention for it anymore. your son runs you home right now becuase he is getting attention (fiance yelling) for throwing a fit. trust me I'm right. I only wish I had seperate rooms to send my kids to in my house. I live in a 2 bedroom but my brother has one room and my kids sleep with us in the master. can't send them in there because they get into stuff whe in trouble. OH the corner works well too because they cannot see what's going on around them. and if he is sent to his room chek on him the min he gets quiet and take whatever it is he is playing with away becuase then he'll know he is being punished. if you don't he'll think thia is ok. I get in truble and they send my to play. yyyippiiee! no you don't want that. good luck!

I have two boys that aren't my husbands. When he came into our lives he was really stand offish when it came to dicipling my boys. I had a sit down conversation with him when I noticed my oldest would misbehave with him and throw fits and my husband would just deal with it, although I noticed him seeming uncomfortable. I was not ok with my son thinking he can over step his boundries of politeness and manners. I told my fiance to please step up if he felt the need to ask my son to remebemer his manners or go in time out. I "do" think it is ok for your fiance to make sure possitive dicipline is reinforced so your son knows he wont get his way with him. I do agree also with the other mothers about just simply walking away from tantrums..I always have at the first sign of one and they no longer last more then a minute.