Uncomfortable Conversations

Don't waste time calling the Mom --- call the police. File a report and get CPS involved. This child needs to be saved and sometimes it is the only way to do it.

Call her, and if you need to, call CPS. That is not normal behavior - he is potentially dangerous. I like how AV worded what you could say.

I haven't read all the responses but I would talk to my son and then call the police. What he did is against the law. I would not call the mom as she would then speak with her son who might retaliate.....do it now!

Before you call you need to ask yourself is there an upside to calling.

If the only reason you call is to make yourself feel better that you did the right thing, that is not reason enough.

I say this because it doesn't sound like your call will change anything for the better, things will stay the same but now you will be on that list.

If I were in your shoes I would be controlling what I can control which is to not let your son go over there anymore. It doesn't sound safe. I would think the most the mom will do is talk to her son about it which means her son will know you told her and most likely retaliate making it less safe than before.

Another thing you may want to consider is that she may already know and just not talking to him because it sounds like she gave up on parenting. So you call and now she has someone to blame talking on.

Guess I am seeing no upside to you calling her.

Okay since everyone is saying call call call then call the police! It was a crime.

What if that boy had cut your son's throat? Would you hesitate then?

HELL no, and you need to address this before your son or some other kid isn't as lucky.

It's not fun and games anymore, this is serious.

You'd report it if you saw a theft, a house fire, etc... this falls into the 'very seriously important' category.

So take a deep breath, get off the computer, call that mom, and know you're doing the right thing!

Tell her, "I don't know how to say this, but you need to know." At the very least, I would tell her why you will not be allowing her son at your home or you won't be encouraging the friendship or WHATEVER the result will be.

When you get the jitters about it, think about your child and how he felt with a knife to his throat. This was done in front of another child, who was so worried he told his parents who were so concerned they told you. THEY were brave enough to tell YOU so you need to be brave enough to tell the other mom. Do it before that boy harms someone or himself. If it goes unsaid and something happens, wouldn't you feel worse?

I'd also be having some heart to hearts with my own child. He didn't report it to you. Why? Was he afraid you'd be mad? That you'd make him give up his friendship? Does he think he can handle that sort of thing? This is going to be a series of talks but take a deep breath and start talking before someone is hurt.

ooh man!! Good thing you aren't me!!! I would've been in both her face and their face the day I heard it.

I would've told my son that I was disappointed that he didn't tell me so I could help him deal with it.

If I were that mom? This is what I want to hear from you: AND NOT via the PHONE:

Hey Cheryl - the other day, Jack, John and Luke were playing a video game at your house. Jack got upset and John then got a knife and held it to Jack's throat. We really need to talk about this. It scared both Jack and Luke. Can you tell me how you want to handle this?

ETA: I didn't read anyone else's responses prior to posting. Since the child is 10 - call the school talk to the counselor. LET THEM INTERVENE. If the state learns about this - by law - they have to report. They will conduct their own investigation. This mom MAY get the parenting help she needs.

You make the call by stop thinking about yourself and thinking about her son and about yours. I have some concerns here as well. Your son didn't let you know. That's a major red flag for me as a mom. I'd be concerned about my kid not feeling comfortable enough to come to me and let me know something this majorly powerful happened to him. If it would help perhaps the other family could participate in that conversation too. It really does take a village.

She is overwhelmed and needs help. Her son needs help. And you are your son's best and only advocate this is why you speak up but have a plan of what you need to say as well as being willing to listen.

You would be responsible if he hurts another child while you are debating how to handle this. That child's parents won't have any understanding of why you are sitting around thinking rather than doing something. I don't see the point as not allowing the child in your house anymore. I think the point is to help a 10 year old child develop into a healthy adult, not a danger to society.

Don't let that boy back in your home.
Even if it did not happen at your home.

The boy has impulse control problems.
AND is unpredictable.
AND should not be, without supervision.

And, I personally would not let my kids, be friends with this boy.
Your son... is certainly old enough to understand, the rationale to all of this.
What if there were no parent around and that boy grabbed a knife?
Then what?

Absolutely CALL that MOM NOW!!! This child could have KILLED your son. This isn't an uncomfortable conversation - it's one that needs to happen NOW! There should be no hesitation on your part - just DO IT NOW!!

Oops! Forgot to put the spech part in!.

Sometimes it's hard to find the words. OK, so read this through. Change the names to be accurate.

"Hi, Mary! How's it going? Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads' up. Remember last Thursday when Johnnie & the Smith boy were playing video games at your house? Well, I got a phone call from Suzie Smith later & I thought maybe you'd like to know about it. I know Johnnie can be a pain in the butt and that stuff happens when kids play together. Well, apparently Johnnie must have really annoyed your boy Jim. I'm sorry -- I know Johnnie can be a pest at times. When he did, it seems Jim picked up a knife & held it to Johnnie's throat. No one was hurt or anything, but I thought you should know. Like I said, I'm sure Johnnie made Jim mad; probably something about the game.

"I'm not calling because I want Jim to do anything or whatever, I just thought I'd want to know if my kids ever did something like that and I figured you should know what was going on. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

Now, take a deep breath. Pick up the phone and dial. When she answers, just read this to her and see where the conversation goes.

When you hang up, give yourself a pat on the back.

Hug...

What are you going to say?
What are your "demands" or parameters?
Are you planning on asking for an apology? No more unsupervised playdates?

While I don't think it should go undiscussed, have some kind of plan in mind when you do call her. In fact, I would call her and ask her to come over for a cup of tea and talk. Let her know that you are concerned because of what happened the other day. Ask her if she is aware of what happened? Fill her in on what you know (not any assumptions or apologies for your son's role in the incident) and what you will now be doing as a result.

If this was my child put in an unsafe situation, I wouldn't ignore it b/c that sends a message to your son that you aren't taking action to protect him. However, just calling to tell her what happened isn't going to change a thing. Letting her know that your child can no longer be at their home and that if her son wants to come over he can only do so when you are home AND able to supervise sends a very different message.

In the meantime, let your son know your plan. He didn't tell you for a reason. Find out why he didn't tell you. That's more concerning to me... someone nearly hurt him very badly and your son kept his mouth shut. Not good.

Forget about MAKING yourself pick up the phone and call her....pick up the phone and dial 911....I'm worried for the saftey of your kids if you can't see the danger in what you have just told us.

Okay, you need to pick up the phone and call CPS ... not just her!

She needs to know right away. Her son needs therapy. Please dont let him around your child any more.

How long ago did this happen? If it's been within the last day or so, then call the police and file a report. It sounds like the mother has given up on parenting and doesn't care what he does anymore. Calling her isn't going to make any difference.

Keep your son away from this boy. Don't let the boy into your house. Don't let them play outside together anymore. Nothing. No contact at all.

Good luck mama!

Hmm. After reading the other responses, my vote is for you to let the police department handle this issue. This kids sounds volatile and you want a trained professional to handle things.
As to the last part of your post, don't be so judgmental. When you have a difficult child you unfortunately have bigger things to go head to head with your child about than the stuff you listed as proof of neglect.

Once again I offer the good-good-bad approach. (and YES, you DO need to call. Just base it on the fact that you'd want to know if your child did that to another human being. That's enough reason for me! I would WANT to know--so I could make sure he knows I know, so I could supervise WAY more carefully, etc.)

So offer some positive things about the kid first, then drop the bomb.

You: "Hey Susan. Jeremy really likes having Jim as a neighbor and they really do seem to get along well for the most part. I am concerned about something that happened while they were playing last week and I'm telling you because I know I'd want to be aware. As a matter of fact, I want to make sure you know that I want to know ANYTHING that Jeremy does at your house that concerns you, OK?"
Her: "O....K....what happened...?"
You: "Well apparently while they were playing xyz, Jim got annoyed with Jeremy over something--and he CAN be QUITE annoying--but there was a knife involved and that really concerned me...."

It will be an easy conversation after that.
Pick up the phone.
Good luck.

You definitely can't let this go. He threatened your son with a dangerous weapon. If I were in your position, I would encourage the mother who called you to give you back-up and I would make that call. She has a right to know so that she can get her son help. This is the type of offense that you can call the police over, and frankly I WOULD CALL THE POLICE and file a report.

I'm sitting here stunned that someone here actually gave you advice to sit back and do nothing, to not make the call because nothing would change. It takes a village to raise a child, including that child. I'm just appalled someone would suggest leaving this situation alone. It's not fair to your son or that other boy and the discomfort of making that call is nothing compared to what the boys are going through.

I would not allow those boys to spend time together again. But I'm serious about calling the police. I believe you have an obligation here to everyone involved. Your son could have been seriously injured and he didn't deserve to have a knife held to his throat whether he instigated the other boy or not. THEY'RE 10 YEARS OLD. You are your son's first and best defense. He needs to know you'll do everything in your power to protect him in spite of any discomfort to yourself.

Do it now before it happens to someone else or it goes any further. Wouldn't it be awful if he did something even worse to someone else and you didn't say anything? I would not call her, even though it maybe a little easier, you should talk to her in person. I know it sucks and it's uncomfortable but you have to and will regret it if you don't do it sooner rather than later. Whatever the outcome, at least you did your part for the safety of your child and others.

Bottom line? You just do!

I am sooooo unconfrontational and I hate, hate, hate conversations like this. However, our neighbor's son is a mini almost 8 year old exactly how you have described and unfortunately, I have had this convo with his mom.

Here's how mine went: first I call her on the phone and tell her we need to talk so we can clear things up before school the next day (our incident was a school bus incident so we needed to get it fixed ASAP). I asked her to come over and she did. She knows her son (your friend does too, this won't be a complete blindside for her) and her first words when she got here were "what did he do?" I said, you know, I'm not really good at these types of conversations and I'm really uncomfortable but you need to know that x,y,z happened. I know my child has his moments too, and his part was abc, and we talked to him about it and I'd like for you to talk to your son about it too."

She went home, verified the story via her son and his older sister, talked to him, called me back at ten pm and asked if they could come over so her son could apologize, and then all four parents talked to both kids about how to be good friends and how friends don't treat friends like that.

They left, I went to the bathroom and threw up! Whew! Boy was I glad that was over! I'm dreading the next time we have to have this meeting!

I would make yourself do it because while you're stalling, he could be doing that to someone else. And maybe this time he snaps. And maybe he cuts another child. Don't let that hang over your head. Make the call!

I hate confrontations too, but I couldn't stand by and let this go. Suppose he hurt your son or another child later on down the line? I could never live with myself if that happened and I hadn't said something. Yes, it's tough, but you need to call her and tell her what happened. Explain to her that the other boy's parents told you.

That kid WOULD NOT be hanging around my child again:(

For the sake of your son, and hers, call her!

I haven't read all the responses, but I have to ask, have you talked with your son? You need to let him know that he needs to come to you if anything like this every happens again (heaven forbid), and to get his version before you make the call. Right now, you would be calling just based on hearsay from another parent/child, but he could confirm exactly how it happened. Tough as it is, she needs to know the seriousness of her son's problem. You said she really isn't a friend, so if she gets defensive and turns away from you, you still aren't losing a friend, but protecting your child. If it gets really ugly, you can just end the conversation and hang up, but you will have done what you needed to. Bottom line, that is one child I wouldn't want my son playing with, certainly not in his home, where there is little if no supervision. If you feel the parent isn't taking this seriously, a call to CPS might be in order.

He could have cut or heaven forbid killed your son. Doesn't that give you reason to pick up the phone? and don't let your son play with him. Please I don't want to see him on the news one day. There are so many resources out there I've been told if she calls a non profit she can get help maybe counseling for him. Just do the right thing and let her know what is going on.

I'm not even sure why you are hesitating. This is a very serious issue that you need to deal with. Considering that they are only 10, it might not have gotten out of control (and did not), but when they are 13, this could easily lead to someone really being hurt.

Safety is your number one priority and you need to tell her. Honestly, you yourself said you would like to know. Based on only what you said, it sounds like she needs to get her son some help. You need to tell her about this.

I just read some of the other responses and I know you don't like confrontations and everyone is giving you advice on how to be super nice. BUT, you have to draw the line in situations like this. I already know that I would tell the mom about this (I have no doubt in my mind). But, I also know that I would tell the mom that if this happened one more time, I would be reporting her child to the police. What he is doing is absolutely unacceptable and you have to tell her that. It doesn't really matter if you are nice or not. (Now, I'm not saying go over there and scream. But honestly, who cares if you hurt her feelings? Her son could have killed your son. You have to convey how unhappy you are about that).

Good luck,
L.

I have to agree with Jo W. If you call the mom, the son gets in trouble (maybe) and now the son is mad at your son kid for "tattling" even though that's not what happened. This kids sounds unstable at best and I would worry the conversation with the mom would make your kid more unsafe, at school etc.

I'd call the non emergency police number and ask them their advise. In the meantime, of course, no more contact with the boy. Not at your house, not at his house, tell your son not in school anymore either. If the mom wants to know why, then tell her what happened.

Good luck.

You pick up the phone and dial without thinking. Forget about it for a few minutes, maybe an hour. Then, without thinking or analyzing, pick up the phone and dial. Now it's too late. Even if you hang up, it will be on her caller ID and she will probably call you back.

You really do need to let her know so she can get appropriate help for her son. It is a fine line between putting a knife to someone throat and actually cutting their throat. If he gets that worked up over a video game, his family, his teachers and everyone else who comes into close contact with him is in danger.

Obviously, it sounds like you really need to call her and, given the fact that she is already overwhelmed, she may not react well. (You already know this or you would have already called!) I had a home based business for a while and I HATE calling people. My strategy was to call when I thought they wouldn't be home and ask them to call me back. If they happened to answer, I was "stuck" talking to them. If they called back I was also "stuck" talking to them. It made me get my calls done. My situation was totally different but maybe my call strategy will help. Good luck.

Just pick up the phone, and tell her you want to discuss something that you heard, and you are concerned about it. Then go for it. I had to call a mom once, because my son was at her house, and the other boy was lighting lighters under a blanket tent. He thought it was great. Well the mom was mortified and took care of it. Sometimes parents have no idea what is going on, even when they are watching their kids and look away for a split second, or put the kids to bed. I'm sure she really needs to know this one, and especially for the safety of all the kids that may end up at her house. Just tell yourself you are doing it to protect your son and maybe it would be easier for you. Good luck.

Stop thinking about it and just DO IT!

So scary! She needs to know like A.S.A.P!

That is horrible! You have to do it, you know this. Plan a nice reward for yourself for accomplishing it. Like, as soon as you are done you can take your son out for ice cream/dinner, get a pedicure, pick out a new book, etc. Good luck!

OMG! I can't even believe I just read that! A knife to his throat? Seriously? Make sure this truly happened and call his mother NOW!! That is horrible!

You're right - it would be a hard call to make. But you need to do it before he hurts someone.

YOU HAVE TOO! What if your son's throat was cut during that incident? Would you call then? Of course you would! Call her and tell her that her son's actions were not ok. It is not right to threaten or put your hands on other people when you are mad. I would also tell her that until she can get some control of her son, he is not allowed on your property and i wouldnt dare let my child go back over there. Having a child with ADHD can be stressful, overwhelming and just flat out crazy! But if they know this child needs help, then they need to do what they need to do for him. Get him on some meds....you need to make that phone call!

I don't think you need to pick up a phone and call her. I think you need to go to her house and talk to her. Face to face. Yes, it is more difficult, but it is also more personal, and you can connect with her better. Bring her a plate of cookies or something so she knows you aren't angry at her, but actually care about her and her son. She does need to know. Her son needs to know that he is accountable for his actions. And, never, ever let your son over there again. I wouldn't put my child in that danger now that you know the truth.

Oh R., I understand about being a little timid, but this is your son. Another kid had a knife to his throat and you can't pick up the phone and tell the other mother. Have you talked with your husband? I'm not good with confrontation, I do understand that, but when it comes to my kids, it's another story. I don't ever want them to feel that they aren't important for me to stand up for. You are their voice, their mother. Don't be afraid, look at fear in the face and beat it. I would just call her and say; "I just heard that your son put a knife to my son's throat". Then pause, see what she says next. Some point in the conversation, say, I know my son is no angel and may have irritated your son, but I feel putting a knife to another kids throat isn't the way he should be the way to handle his anger. Now, I personally wouldn't' let my son play with this boy at his house anymore, but that is your call to make. That's how I would end it, "my son probably won't be playing at your house for awhile."
Talk to your son too, I'm sure you already have, but you need to know when things like this happen.
Hugs going out to you, be strong and face fear, don't let in paralyze you.

It sounds like you need to talk to your son to verify what happened. Don't just take the other kid's version for gospel truth. If your son verifies then, honey, please don't let your discomfort stand in the way of your job of protecting your son. I really do understand. We had to have a parent/teacher conference recently and I knew I needed to say some hard things to the teacher but I also know how my daughter can push buttons and I was in KNOTS about it for a week! But bottom line, if something awful happens to your boy are you going to be okay with the excuse that you just felt too uncomfortable to pick up the phone and call? Your son is still young enough to need you to help him - he can't do this himself! The other thing I would do is draw some boundaries. Again, you can talk to your son about this. I would say no more playing at the other boys' house, I don't care what video games he has. Only supervised play at your house. You're not cutting off the friendship, just putting some structure around it. I know this is sooo hard! It's one of the really sucky things about parenting. But you can do it! For the sake of your precious boy I know you can do it! Let us know how things go, okay?

instead of talking to the mom, what about having a meeting with both the mother & son? Have your son present, too.

Allow the other boy to confess his actions to his mother. Encourage him to do so. If he does not, then he is not allowed back into your home.

Safety first, always.