Hi! I need some advice on the topic of "guy time." My boyfriend of 12 years has been spending a lot of time with his friends lately. We have a 9 year old daughter and I feel like I am the only "responsible" one in the relationship. I do everything for her - take her to school / summer camp in the mornings, work full time, pick her up when I get off work, cook dinner, clean up the house, get her ready for bed, help with homework, buy groceries, etc.. the list goes on. He doesn't have to worry about doing anything except what he wants to do. He works late (usually from 4 pm - 2 am) and has 2 days off every week. But when he gets off work, sometimes he will go to his friend's house and not come home until 6 or 7 am. And sometimes when he has to go to work at 9 pm, he will take off and "hang out" with his friends before work and not pick up our daughter or do any chores before he leaves, therefore when I come home, the house is a mess and I have to clean up after him. Now that it is summer, he has been fishing all the time and when I try to tell him how I feel about his "guy time," he says that I am jealous and I need to go out with my friends and not be worried about what he is doing! Honestly, I feel like he doesn't want to step up and be responsible and take care of his family. I feel like we are roommates and he just does whatever he wants whenever he wants while I am the one who takes care of everything. I feel like he would rather be with his friends than with his family. And I don't ever get to have my own free time! This is one of the reasons we are not married. I have tried to get him to go to counseling, but he refuses to go. He says it's just a "tattle-tell" session and it won't work. Can somebody please give me some advice because I have about had it!
Pack up his stuff and file for child support!!!!!!
Why are you living with this guy? He is irresponsible, uncaring, sloppy and selfish.
i agree with the other two why are you still with him? It sounds like you don't interact or have fun time together...if you want to make it work maybe start date night and hang outs with friends together, and get a babysitter. And then also require family time, and also time out alone. You need all three of those to be happy. If he only wants time alone then it seems you're not in a relationship.
Guy time? When a man gets married his committment goes from "guy time" to "wife and family time". But you aren't married. You never got that committment. You opted to be a boy toy with "sleep in" priviledges.
Some one else gave you the old question, "Why buy a cow, when milk is so cheap?"
In a REAL MAN's life that is a REAL HUSBAND, his first priority is his wife. His second priority is his children. His third priority is himself. For a REAL MAN it never changes through out marriage. When a boy "man's up", his first act is to get down on one knee and ask the most important girl he has ever known to marry him. The second act a boy does when he "man's up" is to stand at the altar facing a man in authority looking at the girl he can't keep his eyes and mind off of and manages to say "I do" at the appropriate time. While he is doing that he hopes and prayes the girl he's looking at will also say "I do" at the proper time.
You short changed yourself and sold yourself cheap to a boy that didn't think you were special enough to make a life-long committment to (marriage).
What should you do? Find some one that thinks you are the best girl he has ever met. If that is the one you have been sleeping with that is fine. If it is someone else, that's fine too.
You are teaching your daughter, by your example, and he is teaching your daughter, by example, that the relationship you have is acceptable and the thing an adult, mentally and physically mature man and woman does.
Hopefully that is not the case. It sounds like you have become aware that the living conditions you describe are not the norm and that you are too valuable to put up with it. Now that you have recognized that. Do something about it.
Good luck to you and yours.
Maybe it's time to break up with him if this is his attitude about it all. Seriously, what grown man with a family (married or not) has to stay out all night and hang out at a friend's until 7 am rather than come home after work? Sounds like he's really immature and has some serious growing up to do. If he won't go to counseling with you, see if you can go alone for yourself. It sounds like he's not bringing anything to the table in this relationship and he's like another child that you need to take care of. Not sure how much more time I would spend trying to get him to change - he is showing you who he is, so you either accept it and learn to live with it, or kick his sorry butt to the curb.
If this is one of the reasons you're not married, but he still lives with you and your daughter and you take care of everything, why would he ever change? He's got a great life - a girlfriend who does all of the grown up stuff so that he can play house when he wants to and play with his guy friends when he doesn't feel like playing house and daddy. Sounds like he's got a good thing going and I doubt he'll change. Unless, of course, you finally decide that you're done enabling his perpetual adolescence.
I think it's high time you decide what you want out of a life partner. If he can fit the bill, then it's ultimatum time - grow up and step up or move on. If he really isn't quality husband material (really, of all the men in the world would you really prefer to be with him over EVERYONE else? Or are you together because you have a kid and it's convenient?) then cut your losses and be sure to value yourself more and learn how to establish boundaries so that you don't get taken advantage of in the future. I hate the phrase "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" but in your case, it's kind of true. He has all the benefits of having you in his life with none of the responsibilities.
Stop enabling him.
You can't change his behavior. But you can change how you react to it.
Stop cleaning up the house after him. Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking him dinner...
What you're describing here sounds more like you're his mother than girlfriend.
Go about your business. Get a sitter and DO go out with your friends. In other words, live your life without him.
You can break up with him, or you can change your own situation. Maybe both. But he sounds like an overgrown teenager to me. Treat him like one.
Take his advice. Plan some girl time. Inform him that you will be going out and he will need to watch your daughter.
Oh dear! Honestly I think you already know your answer and have already done measures in a conscious state by not committing to him because he doesn't make that kind of committment to you on any sort of level right?
Your guy sounds very immature and selfish but in his defense all humans can be selfish but that is why "compromise" is such a big thing in a relationship. The first part is commitment the next part communication, and the next is compromising and of course there are many more but in my opinion those are the most important. As women we tend to give and give whereas men just take and take but there are some women out there on the other end of the spectrum there so don't let me come off as being a man basher.
He needs to step up to the plate and if he doesn't well then you have a big decision to make. You basically already do everything by yourself so is it more stress on you to have him around and create that stress? I am a strong advocate for staying together and working things out but i also realize that sometimes its just inevitable and most healthy for you to go yur seperate ways. Sometimes for men it actually takes reality slapping them right into the face. Talk to him about what your expectations are in order to make you happy. If he doesn't want to make you happy then you have your answer I think. Leave some room for compromise though don't make all these demands on him leaving him any room for "his" time but him leaving the house a mess and not helping you parent is a big no no in my book. If after your serious talk he doesn't step up to the plate I would personally use drastic measures and work my way out of there and let it be known to a certain degree. The only problem is if he doesn't want to change then its not really going to work out for either of you-he has to want to change and sometimes because of this I think alot of times men fail because for a time things will change but then it goes back to the way it was. For some men something serious such as a "close-call" in life or their wife leaving them is a wake-up call. If he wants someone there to pick up after him, parental duty, etc. then he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship and I say if he wants to play let the little boy play and I would leave. However if he does seem like he could change for the better permananetly then I would try my best to work at it. Like the old saying goes that my momma always said "why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free". I'm not judging you for your lifestyle or the decisions you make because there are plenty of people out there who are not married and make it work better than even married couples!!! I don't personally believe that way but I am not the judge. There is nothing wrong with you asking him to do certain things that will make you happy-as women we tend to feel guilty and sacrafice our happiness and just put up with it -you don't have to put up with anything honey and you deserve the help by all means so don't feel guilty about it one bit. He is getting a free ride.........I think its time for him to get off the train if he ain't gonna step up to the plate and furthermore what type of man will your daughter pick? Think on that one for a bit.............
JB,
I'd have to let him see what it's like to care of of his own needs, quit washing his clothes, cooking for him, picking up after him, you're not his MAMA ! Your supposed to be equal partners and it sounds like he is taking advantage BIG TIME ! Now, on the flip side, if you 've allowed this behavior all this time, you virtually trained/ or untrained him to be like this, depending upon how you want to look at it and re training him may take some time, you can always play by the same rules he's playing by and see if he takes notice,..???!!! If he isn't willing to compromise and work something out you are both happy with, maybe it's time for a change, in a big way,..... you're doing most everything yourself already anyway,...... And you deserve some 'ME ' time,your daughter is old enough to go to a friend's for a night or even an afternoon, make yourself a priority, if you don't, obviously NO ONE ELSE WILL . If things don't work out, please remember this the next time around, don't beat yourself up about trying to be a pleaser, it's our nature as women, but, you gotta know when to draw the line sometimes, ..... Best of Luck to you, C. S. (I don't mean to sound like I'm Man bashing, just learned the hard way ,I don't want to be a Momma to somebody who already has one and can't take care of himself to some extent ! )
Do what your boyfriend says... take some "girl time." And don't do anything beforehand to prepare him for what he'll have to do when you are gone. Talk with your daughter beforehand and make sure she has some food she can make, some things to keep her occupied, etc. Then tell your boyfriend you are going out.
When you come back, if he starts asking questions/making comments/complaining, state very calmlly that you understand where he's coming from, but you think he's just jealous. Then go about your business.
If he says something more sympathetic, or starts giving you credit for all the things that you do while he's gone, then talk with him about how you can be a better team of parents for your little girl.
The key is to not be angry, but to give him an idea of all the things that you do alone but that you would like to be doing together and/or sharing. I think that he simply does not know.
Good luck!
To add to what others have said, I would STOP doing anything for him. Do NOT do his laundry. Cook only for you and the daughter. Buy only groceries for you and the daughter. Do NOT fix him lunches, or pick up his messes. Leave it for him to do. If his messes are in the living room, set a box or basket in the corner and just dump his stuff in there for him to take care of.
He's one of those typical guys that has never grown up, and you are enabling him by allowing it. Unfortunately, there is a child involved, so you HAVE to be the responsible one where she is concerned. If you don't like your living situation, it is up to you to fix it.
Its time for your boyfriend to put his big boy pants on. What are you getting out of the relationship? I really don't understand the "living together" and "having kids together' without marriage. Anyway. You have a decision to make. Is this relationship worth it? Is this the type of message you want your daughter to learn? Only you can decide. If he won't do counseling, I don't know what other options you have. Good luck.
Have you tried giving him a list of things that need to be done? I've found that with my husband, he needs a very specific,detailed list if I expect him to help around the house. I know it's stuff that should seem like it's obvious (like, if there are dirty dishes in the sink, wash them!) but it's just not a priority for him.
As for "alone" time...I think it's important for both of you. Our "compromise" was that he could have "guy time" after our daughter went to bed. Until then, he was expected to help around the house. Maybe you could do something similar where it's ok for him to have "guy time" until 6am or whatever, but then he has to get your daughter ready/take her to school in the morning.
Oh, and the "stop doing stuff for him" route would never work for me. He can tolerate a lot more mess/dirty laundry/etc than I can.
Don't talk about his "guy time." Don't accuse him or tell him about his failures. That will only make him more defensive, and more willing to pick at your faults.
Instead, tell him what YOU need to have a living situation that works for YOU. This may include his washing dishes or fixing meals, picking up or dropping off his child at specific times, pick up certain groceries to save you a trip, and spending some minimum of quality time with his daughter.
Let him know that you are perfectly happy with him having time with his friends, as long as he's making a thoughtful and caring contribution to family life. And if he's NOT willing to do that, then you are willing to consider disinviting him from this relationship. (And if you put that option out there, be sure you are really ready to act on it.)
It sounds like your hunny has had it pretty easy. Maybe he's bored and doesn't like what his family life has become. But maybe he's just taking you for granted and doesn't even realize it. Sometimes you've gotta clobber a guy upside the head with the truth to shock him into a more proper sense of reality. At any rate, be prepared for whatever response he gives you.
But, seriously, make this about what YOU and your daughter need. NOT about what he's doing, or failing to do. The tone of your discussion will be better for it.
Best.
Time for a serious talking to.
Sit down with him and tell him that if he can't step up and be a responsible adult and FATHER, then he needs to move out, at least for a while.
Tell him what you expect of him. Tell him that you aren't going to be HIS mother or his maid any longer. Let him know that you understand that he wants "guy time", and that's great, but that time has to come AFTER FAMILY TIME. His boss only lets him have a break if he's done work FIRST, after all.
He needs to home after work. He needs to help around the house. He needs to help with your daughter. He needs to help, period. And THEN he can hang with the guys. He's a grown man, with grown up responsibilities. He has a CHILD. He needs to stop acting like one.
Tell him that if counseling won't work, then there's no harm that it will change him, and you need to try it. Tell him it's for YOUR peace of mind, and that if he can't handle that, then he needs to leave (again, for a trial period). Maybe he can go stay with one of those guy friends he values over you and your daughter?
It's time to set him straight. And it's time for you to take action and not allow his adolescent, disrespectful behavior to continue. Don't enable him. If he doesn't do his own laundry, DO NOT do it for him. When he runs out of clothes, he'll get the hint. Don't have food prepared for him. Prepare EXACTLY enough for you and your daughter to consume. When he freaks out about why you don't have any for him, inform him calmly that "Since you've decided to act like a house-mate and not a life-mate, I have decided you can do all the things a house-mate would do. Like cook their own meals. Stove is over there."
Don't enable him. Don't let him run over you. For your daughters sake. Because all she is learning is that it's OKAY for a man to treat her that way; after all, that's how Daddy acted towards Mommy. She will grow up and find a man just like him. And, really, do you want that for her?
If you don't *need* his income... move out on your own with your daughter and file for child support. You may be able to get foodstamps to help out while you are waiting for things to settle.
YOu need to make time for yourself period. If you don't want to get married why are you still with him? Sounds like counseling is in order as there are big issues here.
I'm sorry...but that would be the day.
No way would I put up with the complete care of him AND a child.
Time for him to go...then he can REALLY do as he pleases. And pay child support.
Seems like your boyfriend is just like another child. What are you getting out of this relationship? Maybe it is time to sit down and divide responsibility and costs equally or else get rid of him.
You've been with the guy for 12 years, and have put up with this, or allowed it... He has no reason to change nor wants too... have a heart to heart with him and tell him this has to change... make plans to go out, even if it's by yourself to a spa or something... tell him, you are picking up our daughter at this time. Also, split some of the responsibilities, say, hey, I do this, this and that, what do you do besides work.. make a list, show him, sometimes that is an eye opener. If it's not an eye opener, then open your eyes... Honey, you can't change anyone, only yourself, what what changes are you going to make?
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