Trying to Reconnect with My Husband After 2Nd Baby

Dear B.,
boy do i understand! I have a 3 yr. Old and a 13 mth old. After both of my babies it took about a year for me and my husband to get back on track. Not that things are the same,they never will be, but we are better. My advice is to get yourselves time. I am a sahm but working and caring for babies is hard. I tried to get my husband to understand how hard it is with 2 and what my life is like now. This worked. He's not perfect-he doesn't help around the house much-but he does help with the kids. I say sit down and ya'll have a good talk. Let him know how you feel and let him know the family needs him. We have now "family time" after dinner. My husband plays in the floor with the kids and i just chill on the couch watching them. He gets to spend time with them and they love it. My youngest is starting to like daddy a lot better. Get him to help with getting ready for bed,maybe have him read a story to your oldest. They will eventually start wanting daddy around. We try to go out after the kids go to beed. Just dinner or sometimes ice cream. We don't get to do it oftern-maybe once every 2-3 months. Even if we are at home we spent time watching some tv or talking. We just hang out together. Just remember that you and your husband make a famly with your kids. I believe that a happy couple make for a happy family. I hope things get better.

Hi B. - I understand how you're feeling b/c I've gone thru the same things w/my husband, but I only have 1 child (dghtr)! The other responses are right on track, but it IS soooooo hard to put those words into action....the fragile state of my marriage is the main reason why we (most likely) not have another child...I don't think my marriage would survive. There is a REALLY good marriage resource out there that I strongly encourage you check into...it's: "Laugh your way to a better marriage" (www.laughyourway.com)...it's a hilarious look at marriage problems & ways to improve them...it IS so true as well to put your marriage BEFORE your kids b/c your kids DO really sense how you & your husband interact & will display that in their behavior. Sex is a very important activity to most men & really defines their self worth and your love for them, so make sure you keep that going(and this is the hardest part for me, so it's way easier to say than do!) Hang in there & don't give up!

Hi B.,
I have to agree with a lot of what Rosemary said. you do seem to make excuses that make this situation seem impossible! It is very hard, no doubt! But not impossible, especially if you have already been married for 10 years. I have worried about this happening with my marriage and I am determined that I will not let it happen to the point that we give up. I have one child, 2 years old, and we are in the process of trying to have another. I work full time and it is very hard because I too do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc... However, my husband is very involved in caring for our son and that really helps! he gives him his bath every night while I do the dishes. Every morning, he takes care of our two dogs and gets my son ready for the day while I pack his daycare lunch and make our coffee. It wasn't always like this. I did almost everything for my son and of course, that is the way he wanted it! I then realized that something had to give or I would go mad! So, my husband started to bathe him. The first two nights, he screamed for mommy, but we didn't give in. Two nights is all it took for him to get used to it. Same thing with my husband going in his room in the morning to get him ready. See if your husband is willing to work on this! I can get dishes, laundry and lunch prep done while he is with my son (I'm talking 20-30 minutes here). Then we all play together after his bath before bedtime. My husband and I take turns putting him to bed, but I do it mostly. i don't see why playing with them has to be one or the other. I am just like you, I don't get much cleaning done and i am fine with that. I can't even begin to remember the last time I dusted!
After our son goes to bed, that is hubby and me time. A lot of TV, yes, but sometimes we read together. What about sitting out on the patio with a bottle of wine and the monitor next to you? I think it would be better to do this than have him go over to someone elses house. he should also share in the night time wakings if he is willing. Sometimes the girls can't get their way with mommy all the time. I know it is hard and first, but the reward is great in the end. My husband and I never go out, we don't have a sitter. We really are fine with that because we have 8:30-11pm to spend together before we go to sleep. i know I don't have two kids, but when they are asleep, they are asleep! I wish you luck and i hope you realize that them spending time with dad for 30 minutes in the evening time is just as good for your girls as spending it with you. They would much rather have mommy and daddy stay together I'm sure!

ok you seem to be to primary parent here. you and your husband needs to share the parenting responiblity. if he doesn't like to wake up in the morning- fine, he can put them to bed at night. you need to allow him to do it the way he wants!!!! if you want to reconnect with your husband then you have to spend time away from the kids. they are not gonna turn out bad because you and your husband went out and you didn't spend that 1-2 nights a months away from them. they are gonna turn out bad cause kids know when the parents aren't together, and they work that to their advance. this is a hard time- everyone that has kids knows that- but you have to spend time together. instead of watching tv- have sex with your spouse. close and lock the bedroom door so that if the oldest gets up she can't come in.
just last night my husband and i had our 2 youngest ones at home, we didn't want to go out so we turned on the sponge bob movie on nick and had the kids eat in the living room while we ate in the kichen by candle- light.

If she won't take a bottle then how do you go to work everyday? My 11 month old refuses to take a bottle as well. Both of my kids were that way. However, we still go out to dinner for anywhere from 2 to 3 hours once a week. I feed her just before I leave. We never go far, so we are only a phone call away. It would only take 10 - 15 minutes at most to get home. Crying that long won't hurt her. No offense to you, but your marriage needs to be more of a priority, your making excuses. If giving your marriage and your husband 2 hours out of an entire month (which is what most of the moms have posted) is too much to ask then it would seem to me that you have given up on your marriage. Also why can't you and your husband play with your girls together? You may also consider him playing with one and you with the other (seperately) then switch. This would give each child one on one quality time with each of you. That would make them feel special. Play together as a family as well. Maybe I read it wrong, but from your post it sounds like you won't even consider sharing time with him. If you don't want him to share in the household responsibilities that is your choice, you can't complain about it if you don't want his help. However, DO take care of your marriage and family. Even though things are hard right now, stop and think what it would be like if your husband was gone and you were a single mother. REALLY think about it, how would it affect the girls to have to leave on the weekends to go spend time with their father. You wouldn't have them for days at that point. Is it really worth the scrafice your making to your marriage? Give your marriage a few hours a month at least or loose your girls for 48 hours every other week. Hmmm...you do the math. Sorry for being so direct, but you asked. Plus just because some of us are stay at home moms doesn't make it easier on us to balance our jobs at home, our kids, our relationship with God, and our marriage. It's hard weather you work inside or outside of the home. BEING A PARENT IS HARD....PERIOD. Everyone makes sacrifices, I am sure you look at other people and wished that was you, however, you never know what trials they are going thru. Value what you have.

Dear B.,

All of the posts are full of good advice. The key is definately taking care of your marriage first above the kids. I am not saying ignore the kids. In our familly, it's God, our marriage, then the kids. Reading this you may think,,,,yeah...easy for you to say. It is easy to say, but it's the hardest thing my husband and I have done in our lives. We have a 3 yr boy and a soon to be 1 year old girl. I am a SAHM and work out of the house. I have totally lost at times, it's so hard. It is soooo much harder than I could have ever imagined. I have a hard time fitting in God, much less church anymore. My relationship with my husband is definately not the same. Thank God he is a patinent man! We do go out once a week for about 2-3 hours. Not alot of time. Trust me it goes by quickly when you are out, but it brings you back to each other. I don't think our marriage would survive with out that time together. You do need to get your husband involved with the girls more. You all might want to talk and decided on what kind of example you want to set for your children, because what they see happen between the two of you is what will be what they expect from relationships when they grow up. My husband and I do "Family Night" on Friday night. We can't do it everynight of the week due to his work schedule. We go to the local pool, bowling, concerts in the park, local baseball games or football games (they don't cost a thing but our 3yr old loves it!). You get the picture. Nobody interupts that time for our family. Even though we can't do family night every night, we do have good quality time as a family in the morning. The baby gets up around 6-6:30 am too. I have a bed in her room, so I put her on the floor and close her door, let her play with her toys, while I rest or sleep in the bed. I can get an extra 15-30mins rest. I too get up clean, make breakfast, etc. Then when my 3yr old gets up he cuddles in bed with his daddy and I bring the baby in. We all watch a t.v. show cuddle and play for about 30 minutes. There are many ways to include dad with out him having to do much. Once he starts getting involved then he will start helping. Have you thought about leaving the kids with dad for a few hours while you do something for yourself? Another good way to get him involved. I use to have control issues with not thinking my husband could do a good enough job with house work. Well he doesn't, but it beats the heck out me having to do it ALL! He only helps a little, but every little bit helps! He never complains about the house if it gets messy, he understands. He always says, "As long as my wife and kids are happy, that's all that matters". Maybe you need to be a peace with your self that the house is never going to look like it did before you had kids :). I could go on and on, just like the other posts probably could. Bottom line, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR MARRIAGE!!!! You kids will survive. I know it's hard to leave them. Everytime we go out on a date night we miss them terribly! Even on the days when I swear, I can't get away from my 3yr old fast enough. As soon as he hugs me by I miss him. So don't expect it to be easy, parenting isn't as you have learned. Your kids need their parents to have a happy and healthy relationship. Ignoring your husband's needs weather it be emotional or sexual is not creating a healthy marriage, but taking you down a path that will probably lead to divorce or a unhappy marriage. Neither of which are good options. Have you heard of the book "The 5 Love Languages"? You might want to pick up a copy, it's a small book, but it includes a test for you and your husband to take. You both then take the results and figure out what your love language is. Your's may be Acts of Service (i.e. wash the dishes, take out the garbage, bath the girls, etc.). His may be Quality Time...time with you. The book might be a good to help start a converstation with you two and hopefully it will grow from there. I will pray for you and your family tonight. I know it's not easy! I just booked a night in a hotel, just so we could get some time alone...I think it was the first time in 1 1/2 years. It was sooooo hard for the both of us. We missed the kids like crazy, but they were both in bed and we were back in the morning. They barely knew we were gone. There is nothing like getting away from the house to help with intamancey. There is no nawing feeling that something needs to be done or you need to take care of one of the girls. Extra....it brings you back to the couple you were before kids (kind of :)..at least as close as you are going to get. I believe in taking vacations with out the kids as well. Two, Three days. Three is probably about as much as I could deal with and the thought of it kills me just thinking about it, but it WILL do your marriage a world of good. Once you try some of the things the other posts have mentioned and I have mentioned you will see the value in spending some time away from the kids and focusing on each other. Wheeeeww..that was alot...sorry...it's just I know what your going thru, but also know you HAVE to take care of your marriage. You obviously know that or you would not have sent out yourg request. GOOD FOR YOU!! At least you are willing to put yourself out there. Good luck and God Bless. Let us know what you end up trying and how it works out for you, maybe you will find a new way to balance all of this that you can share with us! R.

B.,
I am a mother of three children, 6, 3 and 14 months. My husband and I have date night every week. And so what if they scream for you? I say let them scream, and let him take care of them. If both of you work, you are both responsible for the house work. What is the big deal if you get a sitter once a month for the two of you to go out for dinner? Remember you and your husband where there before your kids, and when your kids are gone and grown it will be the two of you again! Your husband is just as important as the girls. Keep that in mind, and it will work out. It only takes a few seconds to make your husband feel special. Get the girls to bed early and surprise him w/ a romantic dinner, music and then go from there! Good luck, and relax, it will all be okay! Remember, women are able to do it all, and so what if the dishes or laundry isn't done, take time to be w/ your man! M.

Hi B.,

I am a Christian working mom (from home) with 2 beautiful children as well. I read both of your comments and can relate to you on both! My children are a little older (4 and 6) and it does get easier, so hang in there! I would love to get together and chat more, I think having Christian women in your life is a huge positive. Feel free to call me or email me if you would like. ____@____.com or ###-###-####
PS. I am married almost 10 years too and live in New Tampa :-)

B.,
I know you know how important it is to keep your relationship with your husband strong and close. With that said, it sounds like the two of you need to take ACTION. The key word being action. Not only should you talk to your husband and let him know how you feel, but you should then make a plan on how to better your relationship and ACT on it. Maybe your husband is feeling the same way and would be relieved he is not the only one. I think it is imperative that you carve out time for the two of you. I know your children are important to you, and you don't want to miss time with them, but they will suffer if their mommy and daddy's relationship is not good. Children will learn how to be in relationships later in life by what they saw growing up. I would make it a point to start out with at least one date night a month. Get a babysitter! That time will be so valuable to the two of you, and your children will be fine. Also, after putting them to bed, (and yes I know you're tired), turn off the t.v.! It will force the two of you to talk. Play scrabble together, sit outside and talk, be intimate. I hope this helps. Take care of yourself and your family.
Becky