Troubled 7 Year Old

Hi wow that sounded just like one of my 9 year old twin boys. I am also currently working an overnight job as a nurse and like you my bro and husband help the kids with their homework. It was very difficult for him in the beginning but i sat down and talked with him it didn't seem to work the first time so i then had him write me a letter to let me know how he was feeling beacuse he would always tell me that he didn't know either. Believe it or not the letter worked and i was able to talk with him and now i dont have such a hard time with him anymore. Just keeping telling your son that you love him and he is a big importance in your life. Good luck to you and please let me know if it works for you like it did for me. Kathy

He misses his mother and he is acting out to get you back home. Dad and brother are fine but its is mommy that is the cure. He may in time get better but maybe talk to him about it. do something special for him.

Hi J.,

I definitely agree with all the posts that suggested counseling. He would most likely talk more about his feelings to an outsider looking in rather than his family. Counselors do different types of therapy to figure out what is bothering the child. It just sounds from your email that something is seriously bothering your son. But hopefully it is not too serious. But I think the best thing to do is to get counseling if everything you're doing to help is not helping. Good luck!

I really wish that I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. Hopefully though, you can take comfort in knowing that others are dealing with the exact same stuff! I have a 6 year old and a 12 month old, and I too am 25. My 6 year old has the same kind of problems, but it has been going on since he was 4! My son seems to do better if I give as much time as I can. That is very tough, I know, but it might help. I see that you are in Lakeside. Is that anywhere near Murrieta/Temecula?

Dear J.,

Well, I don't know either, but one thing is for sure, children do not know what is bothering them, that is the truth. They just react to a feeling that they have or a situation that they do not understand or can't handle.

Stay close beside him, let him know that you are on his side - no, don't say that, DO IT. Do not complain to him, just ask him to talk things over with you when something happens.

Be sure that you listen to your own voice and make it confidential, as if you were talking to your husband or a very close adult friend. Do not be angry with him, it will make him even more defensive and confused. Treat him like a beloved son that you do not blame for his actions.

Ask him how you can help him, go for long walks with him and go fishing and do things with him that he loves to do. If he is playing ball games go there and watch like you are interested. Talk to him about it afterwards, fix his favorite foods, do not fuss at him if he doesn't eat vegies or something else that he hasn't learned to like yet. Yes, and again be on his side.

He will come out of this slowly, but you have to get his confidence back. You have to earn it. Children are very very sensitive and intelligent about the atmosphere in the classroom and home. They might not be able to put it into words, but they FEEL it and TRY to figure out what to DO.

This is the truth. Children cannot be bullied by families into 'being good', they have to be led and loved and respected as well as given guide lines for their behavior.

Pretend that your child is inside of a fence and in that area he or she can just be a kid and make mistakes and not have to have corporal punishment. Just guidance and firm consistent guidance.

If they go beyond that 'fence', then you have to make sure that they know full well that what they did was dangerous, rude, unacceptable, and they have to be removed from the situation immediately - no second chances, no warnings, just removed to their rooms or wherever you decide. No warnings, and no second chances. and your life will be lots happier.

Parents have to do a lot of observing and analyzing and thinking and planning together to raise a child nowadays - actually always - but things are much more complicated now and SCARY. Yes, what I have told you is true.

Sincerely, C. N.

Kudos to you for realizing there's an issue that requires more of your time but sorry you had to quit your job to work on this. Hopefully, it won't be too much a financial burden on your family. I agree w/the other mom.....therapy. We have a 7 year old son , too, who had a lot of anger & transition problems last year in K so he started seeing a therapist & has been for about 6 months now. It's made a big difference for him. I think it helps that he has an objective outsider to talk to. He also seems more ready to listen to the suggestions of the therpist in terms of coping skills for problems. What also helped w/our son was fur us to be super positive. If your son is like our's, it may be hard to find some positive things but they're there. It really helped boost his self-confidence. We also did a star chart...he got a star for any positve thing he did & then once he reached the agreed upon amount, he got a reward, usually an extra book or a special outing w/my husband or myself. What has also played a factor in our house & I'm sure your's, too, is the addition of a younger sibling after many years as an only child. Our boys are 4.5 years apart & it's still a struggle for our older son & his little brother is almost 2.5 yrs. So, maybe try the star chart along w/the therapy & see what happens. Good luck & hope this helps!

I really feel for you! I went through something simular when my son was 6 and I had a new baby. He acted awful. I found that when I took him to see a counceler it helped a lot. It is an outside source that the child has to confide in and tell his frustrations to, without thinking that he will get in trouble for the way he feels. Just a sugestion. And just remember the acting out won't last forever, it is just a faze!

Get help, something you can do is find a very good child councelor and go. If it is not something covered by your insurance find away, borrow from grandparents, use a credit card, make a payment plan with the doctor. If a child all the sudden does a 180 and you can't find the reason it is time to get help. There is no shame in seeing a councelor, however there would be alot if you failed to take such an easy step that could help. Good luck! Raising kids is probably the hardest job in the world.

Dear J.,
I am glad you are able to stay home with him since being away for work seem to spark the behavior. I would give your son a little more time to adjust to having you back at home. If the behavior continues or gets worse I would consider talking to possibly a school counselor to find out what is bothering him. It sounds like something is going on. Don't give up. Keep trying to communicate and be patient with him.
M.

He is probably acting out because of your knew job and also it may be because of school.
Try and have some special time set aside just for you and your son. Even if it is just sitting down and watching a movie together, reading a book or two, or going to the park. Also, talk to his teacher and find out what is going on, and the teacher might have some good advice as well.

My son had a lot of issues last year because he was trying to understand and grasp his emotions, but he also had a difficult teacher last year. All summer we worked with him and gave him praise with everything that he did well at, and that seemed to help. We also would sit down and talk to him about how he was feeling that day, how we were feeling, and what helps when you get frustrated or angry to calm down. What works for our son is deep breathing, meditation, and visualizing something funny or a happy place. It seems that he has a better understanding on how to cope with his emotions since we have been doing this. We still do it, even though he is better about his outbreaks, actually he does not even have then any more. It does take time to accomplish this, so be patient, and take one baby step at a time. If he does not feel like talking about it, just sit next to him and humm a comforting tune, or even just hug him (if he will let you) until he is calm enough to talk to you. Whatever you do, do not punish him when he is highly emotional. It is all ready upsetting that he may not be understanding his emotions. Now, if he obviously did something wrong, have him sit down and think about it so he can understand why it was wrong. This helps a lot too because it gets them thinking. I had a few friends that mentioned we should get a counselor or get him on medications to help him with his issues, but instead we took the time that he needed and helped him, and know he is fine and has an understanding of his emotions and why it occurs. If it escalates, and you are unable to get him to calm down or anything, then possibly you should consider a counselor. But try talking about his emotions and focusing some time with your son, and see how that works. It sounds like he needs his family right now. It may not seem like it, but he wants some attention and affection, and he also sounds like he is a bit confused with his emotions.
Good Luck!

M. *~

J.:

You will get a lot of advice from lot's of mother's, grandmother's, friends, etc. The main thing is that no matter what else is going on you need to follow your Mommy instincts. They will always help you out. You have already followed them by posting this request as you know something is different with your son. Dig deaper with him no matter how hard it may be for both of you this is when he needs you the most. It may be nothing or it could be a bigger situation. Please dig deaper for your sanity and the sake of your son's spirit. If it turns out to be something minor then no harm done but, if for some reason I pray to God not it's something much bigger you'll be doing both of you a service by finding out now rather than later.

Good luck and remember your a good Mom and always follow you Mommy instincts.

Dear J.,

At age 7 he probably doesn't know. If you can afford it, you should take him to a child therapist. Play therapy is so beneficial especially for someone who can decipher the reactions to role playing with toys. I speak from experience, both my parents are therapists, and my mom specialized in marriage and children. Your son is angry and doesnt know why or more importantly how to deal with it. My mom suggested a punching bag with gloves for my 10 year old cousin when he was acting out. My aunt would tell him to stop breaking things, hitting his sister, etc and go hit his bag. She had to show him how at first, but later on he went to the garage all by himself to punch the bag. He is now 18 and he remembers the bag and said it gave him a focus point when he was angry w/o knowing why.

Hope this helps.

J.,

I agree with the previous advice of counseling and applaud your change in job situation.

I also think that there has been other things going on over the last months. Has your youngest son learned to crawl (applause), pull himself up (cheers), maybe walk (double cheers)? I envision your older son looking at all the commotion and attention that your younger son is getting for doing "nothing". Maybe he has done some positive things to get your attention months ago and possibly was ignored or didn't receive the response he wanted. Along the way he found that if he did certain (negative) things he achieved the attention he craved.

I think the best thing to do is confront it, maybe you or your husband can take him to a special meal or treat that you can sit down and talk. Don't expect much from him, just tell him how you feel. Saying that your sorry for (possibly) taking him for granted will go a long way. Explaining that the little one has been achieving so many milestones but that does not negate the achievements that your older son has been achieving. Apologize for hurting his feelings and that you will try your best to not do it again. But explain that you are fallible and that if he is hurt or feels wronged he needs to speak up and communicate to you or your husband.

Keep your eyes out to see positive things that he does and mention it. "Catch him at being good"

I think that family counseling would help this all along. It might be worked out in just a few sessions.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

I would err on the side of caution with this one. These signs can indicate SERIOUS trouble or trauma. Sure, you can say "It's probably this or that (minor issue)...," but you could be shrugging off something major and sending him into a downward spiral. Your comfort and convenience are NOT worth the risk that he might be in. A good mom knows in her heart when it's time to call in a professional. Listen to your heart.

J.,

Though we all hate to even consider the possibility, but are there any new adults in his life? A new babysitter, new teacher, older friend... this behavior rings common among children who have been molested. I pray that is not the case, but it most certainly is worth checking out.

V.

It sounds like he was upset about your change in working schedule, but since you quit, it may have had the unintended effect of making him think that by acting negatively, he can get what he wants.

When he starts acting up with you, I would simply say, "I'm not going to pay attention to you when you act that way" and walk away from him.
When he breaks things, picks fights or misbehaves I would put him in time out, and not respond to him. You need to be real calm and cool when he's pushing you. He wants to get a reaction, and when he doesn't it shortcircuits his process.
If he doesn't turn in his work or acts out at school, take away his privileges for the day. It works really well with my son.

I J., for starters your son is probably going through a growing spert and needs extra excercise. Does he have a TV in his room or a play station etc. If he has either I would suggest you taking them out . If there not in his room and he as a playstation romove it from his use and hide it in your room. Do this when he is gone and when he asked for it tell him that he will be taking a break away from his game. i have watched my son go from a nice little boy to a really hand full after getting a play station. These games make them agitated and angry. He is alowed toplay again but only for an hour on weekends. You will be amazed. The child does not have to know why he has lost the game initially except for that you feel it's time for a break. After a few days you will notice a difference. It's good not to talk about this in front of the child. Later on his reward for being good should be a trial period backon the play station. Good luck. He needs more excercise also I believe. Cut back on sugar and make sure he has protein with every meal. It helps to give them a small protein snack after school also. Helps keep them balanced. D.

I highly recommend this book:

Dreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to help the child who is bright bored and having trouble in school.
by Lucy Jo Palladino

My son's behavior escalated until we pulled him out of school in the middle of second grade to homeschool. This book made tons of difference in my son at home, but the school would not take any of our advice on how to curb his behavior like we had done successfully at home. I found a lot of the info great, and relavent.

Good luck!

Raising kids can be so hard at times. I would suggest that you praise him like crazy when you see him doing something good. I know that they like to get any attention and even if it's negative it's something in their minds. Maybe he is reseting the little brother. He had a lot of years that is was just him and now that little brother is getting a little older he is probably getting more attention because he is doing new things all the time and they are very exciting. Have you tried volunteering at his school? Taking him lunch? I work at my kids school and you would be amazed how many kids just light up when they see their moms come in to eat lunch with them. You could even take little brother. Try to find things that he likes and do them with him. I know you can't reward them for being this bad but you have to also remember that he is only 7. My 10 year old about a year ago was acting really funky for a few months and went had blood tests done on him and they found that he had phenmonia(SP?) The doc said that he could have had it for 3 months and not had any normal symptoms. But I am a true believer in holistic medicine. So I went to my homeopath and she gave my son two pills for the sickness and one for his mood. I was shocked. Within a few hours I saw a difference in his attitude. Every once in a while he gets in a funk and then I give him one of the pills and he is fine within a few hours. It is all natural, herbs. Well I hope this helps a little. Just love on him. Give him 10 more hugs than usually do. It may be a phase and it will over sooner than you think!

if i were you i would try counseling... he may be going through a phase or it could be something a lot worse... theres a clinic located in cypress called 'straight talk' and they provide services to all ages... they accept insurance or charge based on your income...