Trouble with Teen

M.....Teenage years are not much fun for you. Since she wants to sleep all day I would have her tested for drugs. Sounds like she parties at night and sleeps days. I suppose counseling and talking to the school staff might help. Good luck.......M. B.

Continue to get her help stay on top of it Don't just rely on the pediatrician to put her on something for depression. Make sure you also have her drug tested. She must also see a psychologist!! I hate to say this but We went through this with 2 of our daughters. Our oldest is adopted and she introduced her sisters to pot and then to my pain pills for my back surgery. But it all started with depression and low self esteem.

M., as you probably already know, this isn't normal teenage behavior. Some of it is, but not all of it. Have you ever heard of Heartlight Ministries? It's ministry devoted to helping parents of troubled teens. If you don't mind my saying so, I think you qualify. Here's their website: http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/
They have alot of resources to draw from. Hope this helps!

I have no advice - I can just say that we are in the same situation with our son. Don't ever feel like you are alone in this, because it is happening all over the place. I felt like we were the odd family out when everything started falling apart. But after many conversations I realized (unfortunetly) it is more common than not. Continue to be strong and stand by your convictions. She may "hate" you now but will grow up and realize you did the best you could. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Living with a bipolar teen is vey difficult at best. My daughter was not doagnosed until after high school. Depression is a huge issue and it sounds like you are on the right track for diagnosis. Trust must be earned and your daughter has broken your trust. She should have to earn the trust again little by little. Hang in there. Being firm, fair and always consistent is important for bipolar children. You can never choose your daughters friends but you can set rules and limits. Good luck and God Bless!!!!

well, you could have been describing me at that age so i have some advice for you. she is not trying to get attention, and her nehavior is not because of the people she is associating with. if anything she is hanging out with those people (or that boy) because she feels he understands here and is in the same boat. she will probably continue to see him whether you allow her or not, so the best thing to do is make sure you have taught her enough in her earlier years to make the right choices now. my mom tried to rule with fear and threats and that just didn't work for me. my dad on the other hand let me know he trusted me and even let me get away with things from time to time. when i was in a situation where i had to make a choice it was never based on whether or not my mom would ground me, but rather i didn't want to let me dad down.

you know, she is at that rebellious age and won't want to talk to mom a whole lot, so i am wondering if you have any females she can talk to like a close family friend or an aunt or something. if not, try to find a female counselor or something. as a young woman it will be good for her to talk to another female, and you're just not "cool" enough for simply being her mom...lol.

also, if depression runs in your family, i would have her evaluated like you said you were going to do. my parents didn't belive in counseling or phsychiatry so my teen years were filled with alot of struggle until i turned 18 and sought out treatment on my own.

good luck.

PS. i used to sleep all day at that age too and my mom always accused me of being on drugs. i was sleeping because of my depression. i also felt so insulted when she would insist it must be drugs. i noticed alot of other moms said they thought this was your daughters issue and i just wanted to say mom's can be wrong. i am looking at this from your daughters point of view having been there at a point in my life.

First off I am not trying to offend you, I tend to be a little blunt and sound cold hearted. Tactless is what they used to say now they just say I call it like I see it and don't sugar coat anything.
I don't think depression is the only problem here. She may be using drugs. Possibly alcohol. It sounds like there is some real ODD going on along with depression. Have you had her tested for learning disabilities? If not have the school test her for those as well.
I never let my children "go spend the night at a friends house" unless I had spoken to the parents at the other home to make sure they had been invited and an adult would be there to supervise. My children did not "date" at her age unless it was a group date and there was a definite curfew and an adult drove because they were not allowed to "date" until 16 and the driver was at least 18. I think you may need to stop the part time job and be with the children more, but that is my opinion.
You are not there to be "cool" you are there to be a parent and you have to be there to give direction. You do have a relationship with her, it just isn't the one you would like to have. Yes, she would be grounded for the report card. The only freedom she would have is to have a friend over on the weekend but there would be no overnights, no telephone except for if she had done her chores (I am sure she has a list of chores she is to complete during the day at home, doesn't she?) and had a really polite day and then it would be limited to one call of a ten minute duration, and if my husband or I were not home to supervise then I would have an adult there who could. Any violation and she loses the telephone for the night and the weekend visit with a friend.
You have to understand the education your two younger children are getting and how they are going to treat you as they get older as well. They are watching and believe me, they are learning the ropes and obsorbing it all.
Seriously you should consider family counciling because the problem isn't all her behavior some of it is how you are reacting as well, and perhaps a "Stop Over" program or camp for your daughter.
I assure you the choice to change has to be a family choice and the rules at home have to change and be enforced. Unfortunately to be an enforcer you have to be present. This will not make you "cool" or her "friend" and everyone is going to miserable for a little while but the end result is worth the torture. And "no" I do not consider her behavior "normal" if it is then this entire country is in serious trouble because we have "no" control or "parenting skills" left and I am terribly concerned for whatever children they will have because they have no idea what honesty and responsiblity for someone else is.
I had ADHD (not diagnosed until 15 when the requests had been made at 11), ODD, Depression, and Asperger, two house fires, my father's death from cancer and we were part of the care giver team since he came home to die from round two, and my husband's massive heart attack involved in our teenage years so I know part of what you are going through.
My son was so bad I had to turn off the radio, TV, and sit in the room with him while he did his homework and I drove him to school and walked him to each classroom to turn it in when he was in 8th grade until he figured out he didn't like the embarrassment. I had to make arrangements with my boss to be late for work to do it since my husband was the head custodian at another school and had to be there at 7 a.m..

She is doing a lot of this for attention, and negative attention is better than nothing. You have two other children (13 yo bipolar/9 yo Aspergers) and the 15 yo is having to deal with having siblings who require enough attention that she feels she's getting the short end of the stick. This isn't rocket science.

With the boyfriend: She knows this boy isn't good enough for her, but the fact that it bothers you is enough for her to continue seeing him. If you seem not to care if she dates him or not, she might not "date" him anymore. BUT regardless of who her boyfriend is (this guy or someone else), there still need to be established rules in place. They can watch TV or hang out at your house, SUPERVISED, or go out with friends, but that's it. No sleepovers, etc.

AND...if I asked my parents about sleeping over at a friends, my mother would call the friend's parents to make sure they were going to be there, what was going to be going on (movies? Popcorn?), and what the plans were for the evening, and when I'd need to be picked up. Why didn't you do this? You know she lies, you picked this time to believe her, then ground her for a month because you didn't take the time to check her story out? (Just saying that the responsibility issue is a two way street. It's her job to behave responsibly, and yours too.)

Consider this: If she's sleeping over at his place, there are other things she's likely doing that you don't know about too. Like Dr. Phil says, "For every rat you see, there's a dozen more you don't see." Drugs? Alcohol? Other stuff?

Further: My mother always says, "You are who you hang out with." If she's hanging out with rats, then....

Further still: Yes, everybody needs ways to cope with "stress" or whatever issues they're dealing with. The answer is NOT always counseling. Sometimes it's taking part in team sports. Her friends do but she doesn't....hmmmm...what's up with that? Sometimes counseling is the way to go, but it isn't the ONLY way to go.

Reel her in; tighten the leash; whatever you want to call it, but be on her like glue. Where is she going? Who is she going to be spending time with? What are they going to be doing? How long are they going to be out? If there are any answers that are in any way questionable (if her body language and actions don't fit what she's telling you), then don't let her go becuase something's up. Your job is to know where she's going who she'll be with, what they're supposed to be doing, and for how long. AND have the friends come meet at your house - when they get there, ask one of them, "What was it you guys were going to do? How long where you planning on being out? Do your parents know where you're going to be?" See if you get the same response from them that you got from your daughter, and don't be afraid to tell them in front of dear daughter, "You know what, I just realized that (insert daughters name here) won't be able to go out with you guys today. I need her to help me with a special project."

Let her know there are consequences to her actions, and if she chooses to do things she knows will get her in trouble (like lying about sleeping over at a friends to be with her boyfriend), then there will be consequences, and she isn't going to like it either. Further, her actions are hers. It isn't anyone else's fault that she chooses to act the way she acts or do the things that she does, so don't let her guilt trip you into thinking it's your (or anyone else's) fault she is behaving that way.

Now - all that aside...you do need to spend some QUALITY TIME with her. Take her out to lunch, just you and her, to her favorite place. What does she like to do? Maybe she'd like a manicure? Does she like to go shopping? Is she artistic? Do you know what her favorite color is, her favorite restaurant, or even her favorite game to play?

NOTE: It is VERY important for her to know that even though she isn't bipolar or have Aspergers, that she's still a valuable part of the family, she's still worthy of your time/love. (OBVIOUSLY this isn't being made clear to her because if it was, the other areas in her life (grades, lying, etc.) would reflect that. Again, she's at a point where negative attention is better than nothing.)

For what it's worth, and good luck!

WOW, as I am reading this I feel like I am hearing my parents talking about me. My first thought, maybe be because the other kids can attract more attention due to there symptoms. I as a child was abused and was to scared to come out and say it so I did alot of dumb things to cry out. Its good to have her in counseling, try to be strong. Best of luck to you and your family! C.

Please be careful about trying to keep them apart. My parents did that to my younger sister and when she turned 18, she left and went to live with him...till she got knocked up and he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby, then she came back home where mom and dad had to deal with her, her attitude and raising/supporting them both.
I would allow them to see each other under the close supervision of being at your house. In the living room where you can see them at all times. Not in the bedroom, not in the basement, not in the garage. Make a deal w/ them that he can come over as long as they stay in your sight at all times. Let them know that you trust them but not their hormones!!
Good luck!