Trouble with Neighborhood Friend

Hi L.,

Wow, I think we have all been in this situation and it's a tough call. It's like taking on the responsibility of mothering someone else's child. Not only is it a huge responsibility, but a thankless one, and it may even make the other mom mad. Talking to her about it at all will definitely make her mad and further alienate the little girl.

It sounds like she is completely ill equipped to handle social situations. Even as an only child if her mom were up to the task, she would have social skills in place by now, but if she started school without them, it is really hard to catch up, and kids don't forget.

If you wanted to take her on and help her, I think that is a really good and noble thing; and while it may be thankless now, she will always remember you as someone who invested in her and she will be better for it. One day, she may do for someone else what you did for her.

At my house, the rules are the rules for any kid that enters. If they break the rule there is a consequence. If they don't want to deal with the consequence the other choice is to go home. I never put my hands on another persons child. But, for instance, not being a good sport means not playing the game. Running in the house means sitting down. Hurting someone else means being seperated for a time. In giving her boundaries you are going to teach her the social rules that she needs to know about what is acceptable and what isn't. You will also be staying consistent with your own kids. My friend even goes a step further. If kids are going to be riding bikes at or two her house, she goes to the library and gets bike safety videos and makes the kids watch them before they can ride a bike at or to her house again. I would also have activities that are planned to do when she is there so it is not so self directed. She seems to have trouble making choices when she is left on her own. When she comes over say something like, "We are playing with playdough now, and you can play if you want to do playdough." It also helps because then when she comes over unexpectedly you will already have things in hand.

She will care that someone cares enough to guide her.

Hope this helps.

Here's what I think, it's unfortunate that some parents are not actively involved in their children's lives, but the thing is, it's not up to us to "fix" that. There's nothing wrong with talking to her mother, but it's a definite risk. One of my friend's son is a total bully, but if anyone says anything to her, no matter how well intentioned, she completely loses her cool. She thinks that when you are saying her child has some issues, she automatically assumes you're saying she's a bad parent. The only thing I think you can do is if the child is acting inappropriately at your house, telling her she is going to have to go home. I would explain to your kids that if she says a bad word, is violent, or just plain causing trouble, to please come and let you know so you can deal with it. I would be honest with your kids and explain to them that she hasn't been taught the difference between inappropriate and appropriate behavior, so you are trusting them that if she does something she shouldn't be, they will come and tell you. I would also explain to the girl when she comes over that your kids can play with her, but if there is any hitting, fighting, or inappropriate language, she's going to have to go home. After a few times of being sent home, maybe she'll atleast learn what behavior is expected of her at YOUR house. My son, who's 5, has a friend who is the son of my husband's friend. This little boy has not been taught anything about what's appropriate when it comes to behavior. It's sad because it's not these kids' fault, but that doesn't mean that it's acceptable to allow the behavior around your own children. I don't say anything to my friend's parents because I know it wouldn't do any good. But, while he's here I tell him to stop when I see him doing things I don't approve of.

You can only control what belongs to you. Set guidelines for behavior for your own children and at some pint they will get it and stop hanging out with this child. You can also bring other kids to play at your house and this would control who your kids are hanging with. In re: to the other child. You can always try calling her mom and just see how she is doing and let her know some of the things her child has said. If she's not receptive then you are going to have to bite your tongue. It's hard not to want to do more. If you are a church going person take the them to church. IT sounds like mom needs some guidance herself.

L.,

Strange, this sounds exactly like the situation my sister is going through right now. The only differences are that the child is a boy and the problem he is having at home is that his mother is battling stage 4 ovarian cancer. But he's got some of the same problems handling his emotions and my sister also worries about the choices her children are now making due to his influence. He walks right in her door almost every day after school.

You know, there is a storybook scenario that this little girl will cherish your input and strength and you can be the beacon to guide her through whatever rough patch she's going through at home, and she will become a confident and caring human being due to your 'meddling'. She may even become the President or win a Nobel Prize and thank you for all you've done for her.

The truth is that your children come first. Shaping THEM into confident caring human beings is your job. You need to see to their needs and what is influencing them the right or the wrong ways first. Perhaps a meeting with a school counsellor is not out of the question, but that's as far as it should go. If the girl is altering your children's behavior in the wrong way, you are totally within your right to make yourself scarce. Other playmates, keeping the kids busy outside of the house, even just saying "No. We can't play right now" is fine and you shouldn't feel guilty. And make sure when your children DO play with this girl, that you speak to them later about the way she behaves and discuss it. Maybe she's acting that way out of lonliness, or maybe she doesn't feel like she fits in, etc. It sounds like a good opportunity to teach some empathy. If she's getting picked on, make sure your kids know the right way to stand up for somebody. And that they're not participating.

My sister's problem is a little bit harder. She knows what is going on in the other household; the mother is probably dying. And no adult in the child's household is stepping up to guide him through what is likely the most terrifying time in his life. Not the father, not the grandparents, no one seems to care about this child except for my sister. She actually went to the school and talked to his teachers about her concerns. It's too early to tell, but hopefully another set of eyes (along with my sister's) will help him sort out some of the heartbreaking issues he's got to deal with.

It's a worrisome problem and I don't envy you. Just keep doing what you're doing, being a strong sincere mother figure.

Good luck to you and your family,
J.

L., you are in a tough situation. This poor little girl seems to be being neglected at home, and if there is an absentee parent, she's going to seek attention elsewhere. It doesn't seem as if she currently has a positive female role model (except you) in her life, and her life is going to be tough. I think it's great that you want to help, and it may be a bigger job than you can take on. If she's truly being neglected at home, social services needs to know. This little girl deserves the best that life can offer, and it doesn't really sound like she's getting that. Good luck with this, L.. I don't envy your position.

It takes a village... Thank you for caring. Does the school have a counselor? If so you may want to talk to him/her. Are your kids in the same class? The teacher may have some insight. Do you know where she lives? It's not unreasonable to want to meet the parents of kids your children plays with. Take some cookies over and introduce yourself. That my help you to better understand what's going on and if there is anything you can do to help. Does the child ever look like she has not been taken care of... soiled or torn clothing, bruises, cuts , or responds to injuries by saying "I was in a fight", "I fell", "I ran into a doorway"...? (I only believe in calling children's services as a last resort when you honestly believe that a child is in danger so do some homework.) Meanwhile, if she keeps coming back to you there must be a reason. Even if you can't help her yourself you may be able to help her. Have you ever seen or read, "The Best Christmas Pagent Ever"...? It's a tiny book... a 1 hour TV movie at Christmas. You may find some insight there.

You did the right thing by talking to her and telling her that she must go by your rules when she is at your house.
You need to carry it further by posting the rules in a visible place, discussing them with her and all the children in the group from time to time when needed, and sending her home when she does not cooperate.
If you are consistant with this course of action, and if it is important to her to play at your house, then I believe you will be doing her a big favor by showing her that you have expectations of her and all the children.
Also, continue to explain to her and to your children which behavior is acceptable and which is not.
It is good that you are at least trying to cope with this situation.

I babysit for a girl sort of like that. She's mean and bossy and lies all the time. I finally figured out that at home those behaviors get Mom's attention, so that's why she acts that way. When she's here, she follows MY house rules, which include time outs for her behavior. I would bet that at home, she's not getting a lot of attention. I'm sure she wants to play and be nice to the other kids, but she doesn't know how. I would watch her like a hawk when she's with your kids. You want correct any bad behavior, but also reward good behavior. You almost have to treat her like a toddler. If she does something good, even if it's riding her bike with out falling, give her praise. Of course, give it to your kids, so they don't feel left out. I've found that a simple "Great sharing!" Or "I'm so proud of your for doing XYZ! That's awesome!" has really changed her attitude. Now instead of tattleing to me, which gets no response, she'll say "Hey! look! We're sharing/playing nicely/ etc." I know your situation isn't the same, but maybe that would help. With any luck, your attention and guidance could be what keeps this little girl from going down the wrong path in life. I would bet calling Mom isn't going ot do any good though.

I would say something to her mother as hard as that may be. It's not your responsibility to look after other peoples' children because they don't want to. Pretty sad. I'm over protective too, I would never let my 6 yr old run the neighborhood. Times are just different now. It's hard to keep a balance of being over protective/ trying not to shelter them. But it is always better to be safe than sorry. Good Luck.

My suggestion will sound hard hearted but I have been there done that! As parents we can not save every child and we must always put the welfare of our own family first. My heart breaks for this child but I would hope that the school system could do something to help her. I do not think that her Mother would accept any suggestions from other parents. At our house everybody follows our house rules. Anyone who cannot follow the rules must leave our yard. If my own caused the problem they must come in the house for s specific amount of time.Your home is not public domain and there is nothing that says that you cannot send someone out of your yard. You should not have to tolerate behavior from other children that you do not tolerate from your own. Perhaps sending her home will help her understand the rules of playing with children at your house. She can be allowed to play as long as the rules are followed. Immediately sending her home or at least away from your house will give you more peace of mind and may have an impact on the child. Your children have the right to be as safe as possible in your own neighborhood.

I'm sure the girl's personality has something to do with it, but my feeling is something is wrong at home. It always stems from home. I would talk to the mother as another concerned mother, with specific behavioral examples.
Someone needs to intervene so that her whole childhood isn't spent this way. Just be prepared for the mother to be defensive, and do the best you can to come to her with humility.

Ugh. You don't want to harshly judge another mother, but I assume this girl is the same age as your 7yr. old. I would never allow my 7yr. old to come and go as she pleases as this girl does. That being said, it sounds like this girl is lonely. It also sounds like she hasn't learned to play well with others, being an only child. *I am in no way saying only children as a whole don't know how to play with others. I am only talking about this particular girl* Does your daughter enjoy playing with her at all?! Or, does she only play with her because she just shows up? This is a really, really hard one. I would want to be nice to this girl given her home environment and possibly not getting much attention. She seems to have some issues that are only getting worse with no parental involvement or at least not enough. However, you are your child's advocate and if she's physically hurting your kids (especially a 4 yr. old), there has to be strict rules. In order to make it clear what you will allow, it might be helpful to come right out and say that there have been new rules put in place at your house. Any kicking, hitting, etc. will not be tolerated. That would be for ALL the kids, but at least she would know up front that if she does become physical, she will have to leave. You could tell her that your kids have consequences when they get physical, but since she's not your kid, you can't put her in a time out or ground her, etc. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do with someone else's child as far as self esteem, etc. It would be different if she weren't mean. I, personally, am not one to call another mother unless it's a last resort. It would be hard to get your point across without coming off as saying "your kid is a mean bully". But, if you were to call with a concern about what the girl told you about being picked on while riding the bus, that may be a good opportunity to start a dialog. You could ask the mom if she's contacted the school about the problem or if the girl has told her about what she's experiencing. By the mom's response, you would at least know if she's someone you could talk to about the child or what she may be dealing with at home. It would be a starting point? You know how young kids will push you because they are learning good/bad attention? They will do things even if they know they'll get in trouble, because it's a reaction from you? Eventually they learn the good attention from bad. It appears this girl hasn't figured that out, yet. I wish I had a perfect solution for you. I wish you good luck in dealing with this! Be sure to update us if there's any resolution or to let us know how things are progressing. It's always good to hear what works for others.

HI L., you sure have a handful just being a good mother to your children. Wow, I would hate to talk to the mother because that might make it more difficult for the little girl at home but on the other hand what other recourse do you have. Maybe first try talking to the little girl and let her know what you expect when she comes to your house and if she can't abide by your rules tell her that you are going to have a talk with her mother. I too feel very sorry for the little girl because you know she is starved for love and attention that she is not getting at home. Quite possibly she hasn't even had a hug in a long time. God Bless you for trying to be a friend to her. Good luck and pray pray.