My mother in law doesn't like me. She always wanted my husband to marry a rich woman with a masters degree. Instead he married me, a single mom who was barely making it at the time and going to community college. She has been on my case for years, always putting me and my children down. For the sake of keeping the peace in the family, I just let her say whatever she wants. It bothers me that my husband never tells her to stop with the bad comments. A few months ago, I just had it with her, she crossed the line big time. She made some very rude comments about my 8 year old daughter and about our religious beliefs and that just did it. I felt like I had to stand up for myself and my family since my husband sure wasn't going to do it, so I told her exactly what I thought about her and you can say I wasn't very nice. After that, she stopped the bad comments for a while. All of the sudden I get an email from her telling me that she will absolutely not stop. I told my husband and he seemed unconcerned. I gave up, so I replied to her email telling her fine, that she could do and say whatever she wanted, I wasn't going to stop her and I apologized for being rude. Well, I haven't heard from her since then, she hasn't called the house and she hasn't written anymore emails. I was under the impression that my husband hadn't had any contact with her either. Just the other day he told me he had not heard from her. She lives in a different country by the way. Well a little bird told me yesterday that she has been calling my husband at work and emailing him regularly for the past weeks. My husband and I know each others email passwords, we have always been opened about it. So when I logged in to his email yesterday, the password didn't work, he changed his password and never mentioned it, strange enough, this is very unlike my husband. I'm not worried that I can't spy on him, I'm worried that my MIL has influenced him to the point that he feels like he can't trust me anymore. I asked him last night, "So, how are your parents doing?" the question took him by surprise and he said they where fine. I feel bad that he has been keeping these conversations from me and that he feels there's things to hide bad enough to change his password. I'm so tired of fighting about his mom. I have told him in the past that if he doesn't want to be with me all he has to do is say so and I will be gone by the time he gets home, but he assures me that he loves me. I'm just afraid that it's going to come down to the point where we will break up because I really have nowhere to go and lets face it, he's my husband and I love him. This entire thing is getting to me, and it's hurting.
My husband is a marriage and family counselor. He is licensed in both TX and California(the two hardest states to obtain the license). He he can help you two if you both want the help. email Joel at ____@____.com
There are three people in your marriage.
When a man marries - he puts you first, not on equal standing with his mother or in second place.
That is not to diminish his parent's value in is his life, but to put you above it.
YOU are his primary family now. She sounds very selfish to be pulling so much emotional energy from him.
This will continue until your husband puts his foot down and stands up to Mommy in Law Dearest. He is NOT defending you to her. Can you live with that?
I could not.
If you feel the same, I would strongly recommend marriage counseling. Go on your own if you have to.
If someone puts you down long enough - you run the risk of eventually believing them. At the rate this is going - she is going to get exactly what SHE wants - you OUT of the picture.
Ditto to "Boundaries."
I feel for you. Hold strong to your boundaries otherwise you'll end up resentful and mad. My bf always tells me, act on it at the moment with a simple statement and then let it be: I didn't ask you, I could see why you would see it that way, (wait that sort of sounds passive aggressive, don't do that, you'll both just look foolish and childish. Take the higher road, sister! Let her be the one to "spin her wheels" and exaust energy. As far as the hubby, he doesn't know what to do, he's a man. This mom sounds controlling and he's use to being controlled by her. I guess you can only control how you react...civil boundaries!
Good luck
Just wanted to say that I really feel for you. My inlaws have always been 'challenging' as well. For years, it has broken my heart since I want my children to know and love them as much as my children know and love my parents. I won't bore you with all the details...I will just share that for MY CHILDREN's sake, I have stopped asking my husband to choose sides (tho he SHOULD choose my side) and have just tolerated my MIL and FIL - who are both quite mean to me at times. What I have found....when I stopped hounding my husband about this, he became more relaxed and he started noticing how they treat me and our children and HE started speaking up for us. I know I got lucky on this and I sooo wish you the same luck. I know how hard this is. Hang in there....
I completely understand how you feel. I just recently went through the "blow up" with my MIL. Things have been bad for a long time with my in-laws and I told my husband in December that either he needed to talk to his parents or I would. Well, I let it go and she came down for a visit and crossed the line daily and finally I had enough. I am a firm believer that people will only treat you the way that you let them treat you. I stood up for myself and our family after 7 years and although the manner in which the conversation occured was unfortunate, I have no regrets about what I said because it is truly how I feel. We are human and we have feelings. And we deserve to be treated with respect. There are people out there that are just plain TOXIC and sometimes having them in your life is more destructive than not having them in your life at all. I told my husband that I do not expect him to cut his parents off or anything, but that I REFUSE to continue to put myself and our children in that kind of negative and toxic situations any longer. If his parents will respect adult boundaries, then I will regain communication with them, but until that point I do not deserve to be continually treated with disrepect or just plain ugly behavior. I don't worry about the conversations that he has with his parents, because quite honestly I don't care. He had the chance to stop them and he didn't want to get in the middle, so I took care of it. I know that it is hard for him, but it is likewise harder for me and I am pregnant with our 3rd child and taking care of a 1 chronically ill child and a 14 month old. Control what you cna control which is you. Don't let it eat at you. Your husband has to figure out how to deal with this difficult situation, but don't let her treat you ugly...hang up, walk away, delete the e-mail. Rid yourself of the negativity! Good luck!
My family is a little on the insane side (LOL) and although they would never try to come between my husband and I, they do try to make things a living hell sometime. Luckily my husband is supportive. My suggestion would be to tell your husband that you do not want to come between the relationship that he has with his mother, that it is his mother and he needs to be able to keep in touch with her. (This way he is not on the defense, and lets face it he is not going to stop talking to his mother). The fact that she wrote you an email is just ridiculous and leads me to believe that she has a very dominant personality and that is why your husband will not stand up to her. I do not think this is not an indicator that he does not love you, just that he is scared to stand up to his mommy. I think the best thing that you can do is ignore her comments, keep her from seeing or speaking to your children (because you certainly do not want them to hear negative things about you). Although if you and your husband have kids together that wont really be an option, but since she lives in another country that will certainly limit the communication. If you support your husband and ignore her comments that only makes you look like the "good guy", and her continuing to speak negatively about you will only continue to make her look bad in your husbands eyes. The truth will prevail and you will come out on top, although it is tough just be supportive of your husband (even though he is not standing up for you). Good luck, keep us updated.
Well for starters your are blessed she is another country. That makes it a little easier.
Ignore her and continue to be polite and respectful. Ask how they are doing and move on. There is a time and a place for everything you know your limits and how far to let her go. Establish some type of warning statement. When she starts pushing those buttons immediately end the conversation. Okay, nice talking to you again. I have to go, love you smooches bye and end the conversation.
MIL is going to continue doing what she is doing until Hubby says something. He knows how to deal with his mother better than anyone. Obvisouly he has a brain because-he married you instead of what momma wanted him to marry.
Do not let her consume you and make you evil and hateful.
Finally, pray for her, the kidz, hubby, and yourself and find a way to forgive her and yourself as well. You don't have to verbally tell her unless you want to.
Please be sure to communicate to your husband make sure it is a conversation and that he will not take it as you are whining-you know how men are if they sense it is whining or nagging it goes in one ear and out of the other. :)
Good luck and remeber: PRAY about it and let it go!
Remove that negative energy and turn it into some positive energy with your hubby and kidz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow do i know where you are coming from. My MIL lives in another state and when my man went into the hospital for a week she tried to say she was going to press charges on me for neglecting her son- which i want to add she abused him for 15 years before running off with is dad's best friend. It is a hard thing but he needs to defend you on this!! He has to understand that being there for you is not meaning he has to turn on his family what so ever. I am sure that this is bothering him, but he is not saying anything because he is not wanting to lose his relationship with his mom.... Maybe he was thinking that with you knowing about him talking to his mom was going to make matters worse and that you would think he had to pick you or her... which i hope it does not get to that point. Just sit with him and have a long conversation and ask him why he does not defend you.. There could be a logical reason behind it.... When I found out about my MIL saying she was going to press charges on me I was an angry mess and wanted to do nothing but hurt her but i knew that was not the wise thing. He did not believe me until he talked to his mom about a week later after getting out of the hospital and she FINALLY fessed up and told the truth after a few days of lies.... it is sad but sometimes ppl just do not get along and you have to stay civil for the sake of the family. She is a grown woman and needs to act her age. She sounds like a child...
I would like to suggest a book that will help you deal with this issue and so many more. I truly believe everyone should read this book. My counselor encouraged me to read it when I was going to marraige counseling (by myself). It is written by two Christian men. It is called Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to say No to take Control of your life. Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. It can help you with this and so many other things. Take care and good luck.
