Treats Your Son like He Is Hers

Everything Cheryl O said, with the addition that if you invite her to the shower and interact with her maybe you'll be able to observe and gather more info about what's going on

The bottom line is you want to have a good relationship with your son, his girlfriend, and the new baby. Stay focused on that. Put the hurt feelings and jealousy aside. If it were me, I would work on strengthening your bond with your son.
For some reason, he is turning to that other woman as a surrogate mom. She isn't doing this all on her own. I love my kindergarten teacher too. She and my mom were best friends my whole life. She was always there for us kids. Well, my brother latched onto her a little more than the rest of us because he was disapointed in our actual mother. He would send her Mothers Day cards and call her when he needed a mom. It hurt my moms feelings, but mom had to admit that he sought her out for something she was providing that his own mom wasn't. I'm not saying that to be cruel to you or to her. My mom did a good job with us. And I know you did a good job with him. But sometimes kids go looking for something they think they are missing.
Start there. Have a heart to heart with him about what he needs from you as a mom. IF he and this woman have had a mother/child relationship going for the last 15 yrs, he isn't going to dump her cold turkey. But you can start to be there for him in the way that she is and get him to rely more on you than her. I would invite her to the party. It will make him happy and give you a chance to analyze what payoff he is getting by latching onto her. Dont be afraid to let him know how hurt you are by all this and definately keep the girlfriend on your side. She is a great ally to have when battling for your son.

Like others have said, there are some holes in this story. You need to have a good talk with your son and find out what is going on here. Whatever has driven a wedge between the two of you, you must resolve it. He needs to step up to the plate since he is going to be a father and he must learn to treat the mother of his child with more respect. If he is under the age of 18, I would be calling the police on this school teacher. I used to teach elementary and while I have kept in touch with some of my former students that are now high school and college age, the relationship you describe between this teacher and your son turns my stomach. It does NOT sound normal at all. I WOULD NOT invite her to the baby shower for two reasons: the teacher sounds like a creep and she has been very disrespectful to the guest of honor!!! This relationship is toxic and you need to investigate what is going on. I hope everyone can get their act together before the baby arrives!!!
Good luck!
A.

Wow, love some of the posts.

Okay so here is how I fill in the blanks. She was his kindergarten teacher but has a daughter your son's age. This daughter is not the girlfriend having the baby. Am I good so far? Now that would be kindergarten so five years old, your son is now 18 so there is a 13 year time span. So you have been dating your boyfriend for four and a half years. So you had to be divorced for over four and a half years. So that leaves around 8 years unaccounted for. So for that 8 years I am going to assume they were connected through his friendship with her daughter?

So, why did you son turn on you when you divorced? Did you cheat with said boyfriend? I am just throwing stuff out here since boys don't turn on their moms easily. My son was 17 when I divorced he is rather protective of me and hates his father for what he did, ya know? Just trying to piece this together so I kinda have to use my experiences to fill in the blanks.

So you did something that caused your son to end his relationship with you. Now my kids have had several friends that, well mom cheated, that caused them to not want to have any connection with their moms. I am a good mom, my kids like me, their friends like me. I have had a fair few turn to me. I can assure you I have never slept with any of them, ick! Would they defend me against their mother, yes. Would they defend me against their girlfriend, only if they thought their girlfriend was a slut as well or they thought it was mom who passed that along to the girlfriend. Granted even if I thought someone was a slut I wouldn't call them that, classless if you ask me.

So what I am seeing here is you distorting the facts because it hurts that he turned to this woman. What I see is your insecurities pushing this woman away. Other than the slut comment that was distorted by the telephone game, there is no reason why the girlfriend wouldn't want her at her shower. I think you should be the bigger person and invite her. I also wonder how it got back to the girlfriend, ya know, these rumors.

I hope my blank filling is just as off as the people who think he is sleeping with his old teacher. Because if I am right you are going to drive your son and his girlfriend, and your grandchild away with your insecurities. You cannot force or manipulate a relationship with your son, he has to want to come back.

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Not enough facts about ages, relationships here, but a kid doesn't replace a parent with a surrogate for no good reason. I speak from experience. My bio-mother is not the go-to person for me, my sis and MIL are my "moms". You say that your relationship was "on the right track" before this - but that implies that it was on the wrong track before. There's more to your story that you need to deal with. You can't do anything about their relationship; but you can do your best to strengthen YOUR relationship with him. Her issues and his issues are separate from YOUR issues and his issues - concentrate on that.

For a split second I thought you were expecting your kindergarten-aged son to call and text you, but he preferred his teacher.

:P

Well, this is a little confusing and hard to follow and you didn't give ages for anyone. I see it like this. Your son is old enough to get his girlfriend pregnant so he must be old enough to make his own friends, even if they are his old kindergarten teacher. You sons girlfriend is old enough to get pregnant so she is also old enough to block anyone she darn well wants to without her boyfriend having a fit and "making" her do anything she doesn't want to do. This whole thing screams DISFUNCTION all around. What should you do? Be the best mom to you kids and grandma to your grandchildren that you can and stay away from the drama. Good luck.

I suggest that you tone down your criticism. You may be right about the relationship and it having caused difficulty between you and your son. However, you've made it difficult. I suggest that you cannot control your son and it feels to him that you're trying to do that which causes him to rebel. He's an adult and has to be responsible for his decisions about friends. It's really none of your business.

I suggest that if you treat him in a loving and non-judgmental way you
can heal the relationship. Start by apologizing. Tell him you're sorry you've tried to intervene in the friendship. Tell him you're hurt that he seems to spend more time with her than you. Suggest that you know it's because you've been disapproving and difficult to be around and that you're going to work on letting go of needing to make judgments about his friendships. Invite her to the shower if his girl friend wants her there.

If there is tension between your son and the girlfriend that too is none of your business. He has to learn from his own experiences. You may be right about the teacher but there is nothing you can do about it. As you've seen, trying to get him to stop the friendship has driven him from you. If you want him to be around you more you have to stop criticizing his choice of friends.

In response to the suggestion of going to her school. Her son is an adult. They are consenting adults. Whatever is going on is not illegal or a violation of work rules.

Same goes for suggesting that she investigate. They are consenting adults. It's none of her business.

Keep your friends and your loved ones close.... and keep your enemies closer.

For whatever reason, your son finds this woman important. He looks to her as a mother figure, probably BECAUSE you haven't had a good relationship since your divorce from his father. He didn't like the mother he had so he chose a new one. Justified in his feelings or not, weird situation or not, this is how he feels.

But how you're handling this baby shower situation isn't working. If you try to force this woman out then you're going to end up encouraging the opposite. You'll be the Big Fat Meanie and she'll be the Understanding Compassionate Mother Figure. If the mother-to-be is willing to have this woman at her shower for the sake of your son, then I think you ought to be gracious in this situation. But I think that first, you need to invite her out to lunch to "get to know her" and see what's what. I think that's extremely important.

If the mother-to-be doesn't want that woman there, then your son is going to have to honor her wishes and be respectful of that fact. Part of being a successful parent is being a successful co-parent, and if he's still with the mother of his baby then he needs to keep her happy ahead of anyone else. Whether that woman throws fits or not. She sounds extremely manipulative, and I have to wonder why. I have to wonder how long she and your son have had this sort of relationship and how they came to know each other. It's irrelevant that she was his kindergarten teacher... so how did they get to know each other all these years later?

Mainly I wouldn't go into lecture mode or combative mode with him. You need to listen to him when he talks. "Mmm hmmm. I hear you. Mmm hmm." Lots of nodding and listening and letting him know you heard what he said. That's what he needs, and that's probably what she gives him. But you can give him that too, except without all of her drama. Be supportive without letting him walk all over you. He's still very immature, his brain won't even stop growing until he's 21, so he's still very much a child even though he can produce children and his license says he's legally an adult. He still very much needs a mother who's secure in knowing that she's his mother regardless of what some poser believes.

My advice: Stay out of it. It reads dysfunction all over. Don't buy into it.

M

Okaaay, that is just bizarre.

Very weird. If they aren't having some kind of sexual relationship, then it's just a very odd relationship. In that case, just bide your time, because she is definitely off her rocker, and that will get old to your son pretty fast.

Calling the girlfriend a slut? Crying because she was blocked off the gf's Facebook page? Am I really understanding this post? Because it's all just too strange.

I'm sorry - your post is rambling and doesn't seem to give all the answers...

1. Your son is now an adult (not a student in high school right?) and is having some sort of weird relationship with his former kindergarten teacher?

2. Your son is old enough to get a girl pregnant but is not married to her? And the Kindergarten teacher was upset that he got a girl pregnant - calls the girl a slut but NOT your son? (sorry - that's a double standard).

3. Your son is upset with your for a divorce? Did you cheat on his dad with the new boyfriend?

4. This teacher made your son's pregnant girlfriend unblock her on FB AND apologize? Twisted..really weird and twisted..

your son will need you more than ever now that he is to be a father. And he is further upset with you because you won't invite his twisted relationship teacher to the baby shower? What will it hurt to invite her? he has obviously included her in his life for some reason...while it is twisted...he is old enough to chose his own friends...do you want to be the bigger person or continue with the anger you have going on? it will only further deteriorate your relationship with your son and hurt you further..

GOOD LUCK

Something is defiantly going on here, how old is your son and how old is this teacher lady???
I would definitely look more into this, because this already sounds wrong in so many ways is there anyway that you might be able to look at your sons phone and into his text messages? You just might find something, more than likely she texting him as well. Keep your guards up with this situation...

whooooooaaaaaaa there is something very wrong with this picture! something is definitely not kosher if you know what I mean. you need to find out how she is involved with your son. whatever you need to do. maybe you can get into his phone to read text messages. I don't normally condone this type of behavior but this sounds like a bad situation bout to become Mary Kay Laterneau like.

sigh....
Yah ya know... this is not normal.
It is way, inappropriate.
But what can you do?
Both your son and his former Kindergarten Teacher... have a dysfunctional dynamic between them.
And, why the heck, is your son even having a girlfriend, since he treats her as low on the totem pole?
And they are having a baby.
And your son is acting this way.
Whoa... that REALLY is not going to bode well, for his Girlfriend or his relationship with her.
And, what if, your son names his Kindergarten Teacher... as a Guardian of his child or what not?

And gee, the Kindergarten Teacher is acting like your son's Mom. As you said.

Whatever is going in between those two.... is not, very healthy. It is, weird.

somethings not right!!! Run a background check on this lady!

ugh yeah theres something going on... that lady shouldnt be calling your son period she is an adult and your son isnt. she needs to keep the relationship as teacher and student and nothing more. he is going to be a dad and should step up and quit that junk. you dont have to let that woman in your home and if your son doesnt like that tough! your going out of your way to help him and his gf.

this doesnt say how old your son is? First of all I would sit down with your son and ask him what is going on why this woman is so involved in his life if you dont get and answer go to the woman- tell her you have your suspicions and would like to clear it up.

Maybe its as simple as you chose to leave the Dad/family and so he is drawn to a mom figure that he chooses thinking that she can't technically 'walk away'... not sure if that makes sense.

Basically, you need to talk to the sub-mom and your son separately and come to an understanding.