I have/had this particular friend for the past year that in the beginning seemed like the perfect "best friend": we both have 3 kids, we both love to run and train for marathons, we go to the same health club, we like many of the same things, live in the same town, even go to the same church, and have personalities that just seem to fit together. Our kids play so well together and just adore each other. People have come up to us and asked if we were sisters. I just thought we were best friends. She even on occasion would send me super-sweet emails and text messages telling me how much she appreciates my friendship, how meeting a friend like me "refreshed a part of her that had been dead for too long", etc. Just the sweetest things that could ever be said to a person.
Everything was perfectly fine in the beginning right after we had our 3rd babies (they are 7 weeks apart) and then we became running partners and trained for a spring marathon together. During this time, we had gotten to know each other really well because when you spend a lot of foot miles with someone, you have a tendency to learn all kinds of things about them. Then, strange things began to happen starting in December after the ice storm when I was planning on running a long run on a Sunday morning. She couldn't run with me that day and rescheduled for the next day. Then, she wanted to reschedule for the day after that but I couldn't because DH was working and I had to be home to watch the kids by 6am. She got upset because I was going to do my long run on my own at the gym on the day I could go. She got upset because she thought I didn't care about her, but only about getting my run done. Then, in January when I went to the gym one morning to run on the treadmill and I was running next to this other lady that I've gotten to know. My friend came in and ran a couple of miles and then moved to another treadmill after the other lady left and didn't talk to me the rest of the time we were there. I left because I had to get home so DH could go to work and sent her a message asking if she was ok. It later came out that she was jealous because I was running next to this other lady. Although I diffused the conflict and smoothed things over, I should have taken these as a red flag and backed away then but didn't.
At the end of January, then 2 months later in the end of March, and now 4 months later at the end of July, we experience 3 more really bad blow-outs. Each time it has always been where she has told me in one way or another how I didn't measure up to her standards and how I had a problem here or there and because of my "issues" that she could not be close to me. I would then try to explain myself out of the situation and try to smooth things over so that we could be "best friends" again.
After the first time this happened, it coincided with me getting the Shingles Virus. If you know anything about that particular virus, it can be brought about by intense stresss. Then after the second time it happened, I had a nasty flu-like virus for about a week where I was dizzy, couldn't eat, and was experience all kinds of digestive distress. For a long time, I have been stressed and thinking about this thing way too much and trying to bend over backwards to make things "right" in this friendship. During the second blow-out, her husband even fired some words at me, as relayed to me through the email to further justify his wife's erratic behavior. Because of that, my husband lost every ounce of respect for her husband and had told me to cut things off.
I didn't cut things off and I lost my shorts on it so to speak. I have been under an insurmountable amount of stress the last few weeks as I have been going through somethings like vehicle problems and not having enough money to take care of them, etc. On top of all that, I have been dealing with this friendship, trying to be the best friend that she needed only to have another blow-out happen: This time to berate me for occasionally exercising twice in a day. Let me give you a little background on that: I am a runner, and can run during limited time, about 4-5 days every week with the "long" run on Saturday mornings with my training group. I go to the gym durning the week really early in the mornings or late in the evenings when DH can watch the kids. I go back to the gym twice a week to take the weights classes which are 45 minutes in duration and I take my kids to the gym's nursery facility. I also have a friend that has been helping me with learning to swim. I have gone back a couple other times this week to practice what she has been teaching me. My husband is cool with it, it hasn't disrupted my work, his work, my kids, home, anything. It isn't an issue. Apparantly it is very much of an issue with my friend. She had told me the other day through the email that she felt guilt because I was on my "second workout" of the day and she was not. That also happened to be the day I went to the pool to practice what my other friend was teaching me. I feel like I have had to explain myself through and through to her and "justify" my actions.
I feel like she is trying to compete with me in things and then coming out and attacking me whenever something on her end goes completely sour. It seems like she has been completely ruled by emotion and when things are going great for her then she is my friend, when she is going through a trial, somehow it is my fault. I can't take this anymore. It has made me sad because in the beginning it seemed like we were "kindred spirits" and my kids and her kids just adore each other. I feel like that maybe I've been duped and I've taken bad bait for a long time and that I need to get out of this and break things off and get away quickly. Then the other hand says "remember the good times when we did this or that, remember the things she said this day", then I get sucked back in. I also feel like the balance of my family has been disrupted because I have been emotionally drained from this for the past several months.
Another really interesting thing about this is that she refuses to talk in person or over the phone, she would rather send lengthy emails which detail everything that she is accusing me of. I had gotten to the point where I was afraid to open up my email because there might be another "hate mail" email from her because I never knew when any of this was coming. I was always blindsided by these things and all because I was being myself.
Is this a toxic relationship that I need to put a poison label on or is this just a trial and I need to stand back and be patient?
I apologize for the length of this, but it has been on my mind and it is completely beyond me and this online network of moms has been very helpful to me.
God bless!
I would most definatly end this friendship. She dosnt sound very stable, And if it is causing you so much stress it just isnt worth it. The next hate email she sends, I would just tell her that you cant be the the friend that she needs and that maybe it would be best if you just went your seperate ways. Good Luck.
I agree with M L on her reply. This has happened to me at least 3 times. I don't agree on the switching gyms or church. That is a part of your life. You shouldn't have to up and change your lifestyle. In saying that, I also would not sit down with this person at all. If her husband is backing her the way he is it could turn hostile. You really don't want to be put in that sort of situation or yelling match, in either a home setting or restaurant setting. I would delete the hate email. I know it's easy to say this instead of do what you have been doing... backtracking. I have been there and done that. That's just one of her ways to feel better than you. She is pretty much sucking all the energy out of you. You and your family are what is important. Not her. I also want to tell you that you are such an awesome person for getting out there and running, working out, and learning swimming. I have been starting running. I was just recently able to run my first mile without stopping to walk. You deserve a much better friend than what you have received. You need someone to bring you up, not down. This is a very toxic friendship. Don't switch your routine because of her, if she approaches you tell her you do not want to talk until things have settled down. If there is security at the gym, you just might want to let this be known to them in case it turns out to be a hostile situation. My gym does this for other people that go there and it's fine. Don't let her take advantage of you anymore with all of these emails and making you feel like you have to explain yourself. You are a child of god and need to stand up for yourself. Don't let her run over you. Your children look up to you. Don't set this as something that their rolemodel does. Break the curse.
Since she is intangeled in your life (church, same gym etc.), I would just stop reading the hate mail, delete or save for evidence later in case you need it. I would totally ignore her and go on about your life, if necessary. And, if she asks tell her that you cannot tolerate the hatred directed toward yourself and your family any longer. Unless she has something to say that is constructive, then you are no longer listening. Period. Let this one fizzle away. If you have to change churches and gyms.
Dear MJH, I've had two friendships go sour like this over the past several years and its always traumatic. You end up feeling like you were conned because the person wasn't being true to themselves from the beginning. For the kids sake you want to hang on but don't. You need to run, not walk, away from this one. You have identified all the problems: She is jealous, competitive, insecure and basically a chicken. She is an energy parasite. You sound like you have you priorities in order and have worked hard to make a routine work for you and your family. What you may need to do is take a break from church and change gyms for a while. Sometimes a clean break helps. You have only been friends for a year so its not the end of the world.
In the future, you might do as I do and tread very carefully with new friendships.
As far as "breaking up" you can just fade away gradually or you can just be up front and tell her you need to cool your friendship for a while because it's not healthy. Your call- Good luck!
M
I would sat down with her one last time and try to found out if there is a problem in her life that can be fix within a reasonable lenght of time. If so I might be willing to hang in there to see it work itself out. If she this way just because she id this way you need cut ties. Also kept in my that nothing is more inportant that things being good between hubby and you So if you need to cut ties to kept things good on that front do so and do not feel bad about it.
Wow, this has "toxic" written all over it. Reminds me of a boss I had not so long ago but that's another story. I think it's great that you can identify that this is not a good relationship and can pick up on the triggers. No one that is supposed to love you or be your friend makes you feel the way you do with this friendship, especially the phyiscal symptoms you expierence at times.
I know it's hard to imagine completly severing ties because this is YOUR life and expierence but it sounds like for your sanity and the health of your family it is what is in store. You know it will take time to heal but I think in the future you will know you made the right decision. Hopefully once she knows your serious she'll back down. Keep your documentation just in case.
Good luck, I feel for you!
It sounds as if your friend may have a personality disorder (just throwing that out) and honesty anything you do could trigger her. Good for you for knowing that this isn't healthy and take the steps to heal yourself and family.
It is wonderful to have a best friend, but this is "your life" and happiness. You have a wonderful family and support. If your workouts give you pleasure and the time is right for you - do it. If she is so possesive of you where it is making your health suffer you need to wean yourself away from her. You can do it gently. She needs to know the world does not revolve around her. Change your email address so she cannot send her childish emails. Does she not have anything or anyone else but you? Follow your routine. If she wants to join you - fine. If not that's her decision. You really don't have to interupt your life and routine for anyone but your immediate family.
Been there, done that.
Gramsof18
