Too Many tears....Need Advise on Teenage Drama...

I'd like to point out another aspect of this problem - and I am no way excusing the cyber-bully's behavior - but how would you feel if you had a three-month try out for a team and didn't make it? What was this coach thinking? I received a sport scholarship to a Div 1 school, so I've been on many teams. If a player practiced with a coach for that long, the coach should be letting the players know if they have a chance of making the team and/or speaking with them about why they didn't make the team and what they can do to improve their chances next time.

Too many girls are not playing sports and I think this was a very poor coaching style for HS girls.

I am so sorry this is happening to her. I know you want to protect her and her feelings, but mom this is her battle. Soon she will be in college and will face even more difficult situations and you will not be there to "save the day", Your job right now is to help empower her, not save her. This is one of the most heartbreaking and frustrating parts of being a parent.

A similar thing happened to me when I was in a similar situation. A girl was saying I was a "token" Cheerleader because of a change in the elections. My mom encouraged ME to speak with the coach about the situation. The Coach reassured me, even without the changes, I would have been there, but the girl who was "suggesting" I would not have been there before the changes, was actually the one who go the new spot!

I then was able to tell others (only when they asked or said something) the truth.. The other young lady spoke with the coach and found out, I was the one with the correct information and boy, that stopped her cold in her tracks..

I suggest your DAUGHTER handle this. She is in High School and needs to learn to do this herself. This is her situation. She worked hard, She got the position fair and square and she should hold her head up high and either ignore all of it, speak with the coach, speak with someone in Administration at the school or speak directly to the girl or do all of it.

Help her think of ways to handle this. One thing I would encourage her to do, is tell this girl or anybody who questions her membership to this team, "If you have a question about my qualifications, speak to coach_______. "

Also have her speak with the coach , not so much for help, but to "inform her/him" that she is having to deal with this girl, but that your daughter is working on not letting the other girl get to her.

If the girl says something directly to your daughter, your daughter could say," I will be happy to have the Coach call you in and explain why you were not selected."

If it were to escalate, your daughter could also report this girl as a Bully. I am sure the school has a no bullying policy.

Let her know to not fall into these traps. Some people are just into drama. They are the little people in the world. Your daughter has a choice of joining in, or of ignoring those people and going on with her life, without getting pulled into this stuff.

I am sending you both strength.

We have been through a similar experience and all I can say is deal with it NOW. Speak to the coach and see if a coach can intervene with the other parents. If there is any thing on the web, PRINT IT OUT SAVE IT! This is cyber bullying and against the law! Speak to school officials, they seem to be taking this very seriously. The problem will not go away on its own. It will not blow over, something must be done, to help your daughter and to teach ALL students this will not be tolerated. Your daughter may be hesitant to ask, and if she is in tears, I would go to a counselor at school and ask them what steps to take next. If school officials and the coaches know, maybe just speaking to the girl in question will make her realize what she is doing is a violation of school and team policy and it is against the law. Make sure you report it to someone now, because if it continues you have no way to prove how long it has been going on. I don't know the law out there, but where we live, 3 unwanted cyber bullying comments, the police can press charges.
Your Daughter should be able to have fun and be proud of herself! Keeping yourself conditioned is hard work! That is why they have TRYOUTS! She should be happy and proud! You are right, teenage girls can be mean, but it will surprise you how far they will take it! Maybe a school counselor can point you in the right direction, but take steps TODAY!
Best of luck to you and your family! Have a great Lacrosse season! I hope your daughter has a happy time!

Greetings Honu, Having 5 children that all were into sports and a husband that was a coach, my heart goes out to what your child is going through. Not everyone has learned the art of being a good sport and knowing that someone had to be cut. You daughter already knows that it's about envy and the girls disappointment so please remind her that she can't fix this one. It is not about popularity or even the best at it but how many can be on the team. Please tell her that her coach saw the ability she has & what it could do for the team& team spirit. To stop now is putting an end to her enjoyment and sportsmanship that is needed. She may not be able to "dump" the friend because of feeling guilty but she can limit her influence as my daughter says" pack a bag we're going on a guilt trip" kind of friend. By all means talk to the coach. This will help in many decisions and team harmony-- he he/she doesn't know how can they deal with the problem. Also if the other girl is any good- she can ask to be a backup player in case of injury to a player -- which he saw often as a coach. This is not one of those ignore it and it will go away things just look at Nancy Karrigan andTanya Hardy( not sure ofsp.) to see ow desperate some people will get. Good Luck

I hate to say it but it is a great lesson about what being a friend really means. Take her somewhere for a quiet cup of coffee and talk to her about friendships. Ask her to define one and then ask her if this person is acting like one. Does she have a friend who always supports her? Focus on that. Unfortunately this is a lesson in dealing with harsh, vindictive personalities! Make her aware that all through her life she will have to deal with people like this and how SHE reacts to it is what will either break her down or make her stronger. In all things, do the RIGHT thing.
In HS I also had a girl that made it her mission to make me miserable, to get all her friends to hate me. She would come up behind me and shove me, say mean things in my ear as she went by. This actually went on for two years. I remember coming home in tears and asking my stepmom what I should do. She said, "H., take a deep breath, put a smile on your face and tell her 'SUE! Have a GREAT day!'". I remember looking at her like she was crazy. My stepmom smiled and said, "See? That is the reaction you will get from her! She will be expecting you to be angry, to retaliate. Be kind, be sunny, be polite and she won't know what to do. All her friends will see her being cruel and you responding with kindness, they will feel confused and ashamed." And it was true. I had other girls come up to me and tell me that they were ashamed at the way she acted and thought I was pretty "cool" for standing up to her the way I did. And you know what? The last day of school that same girl came up to me and wanted to talk. She said, "I really don't like you and I don't understand why you kept saying 'have a nice day' that was really stupid....but I am sorry". It was a great life lesson. =)
And yes, I do think you should talk to the coach. If things don't get resolved in a couple weeks then talk to the vice principal and insist on talking to their parents. Tell you daughter to GO FOR IT! Illigitimi non carborundum!

You can't tell a teenager that things will blow over, because their mind doesn't work in the way to be able to see that the future will be different. Teenagers live in the moment and if the moment is bad, they think their whole life is ruined and that things will never get better unless they do something to change the circumstances. What I do with my teenage sister (16 years old) is I've always explained to her how girls are different than boys. Girls are competitive, jealous, and judgmental. Of course, I explained not all girls are this way, but that she would without a doubt deal with girls that were. So, if this were to happen to her with the Lacrosse team, I would probably explain to her that those girls are embarrassed and jealous. They're embarrassed because they worked for so long and lost a spot to someone who only had to work for 2 weeks. Since they're embarrassed, they're lashing out at the easiest target. Plus, on top of that they are jealous, which is a very powerful emotion. So, I would ask your daughter, are you going to let them win at trying to victimize you by you quitting the team? Or are you going to just accept the fact that the issue lies with not what you've done, but with their own insecurities. If your daughter quits, how would that make things different in 6 months? Would the girls leave her alone? Maybe....but maybe not. Is she willing to be pushed into something because of someone having a few bad things to say about her? What are some things she could do during the next few months while the girls are taking things out on her? Well, for one, she could stay off of the computer. If she has a facebook or myspace, how about deleting it? It would only take her a few minutes to open a new one down the road. Explain to her that she CAN'T control the way other people treat her, but she CAN control how she reacts to them. If she chooses to quit, then she gave up her control to them. She needs to remember that she's going to make lots of friends on the team too. If any of the teammates are in on this with the mean girls, she needs to see what happens. If they're mean to her, she should try saying things like "oh, you're talking about those girls who think that I made them not make the team? Well, I wasn't one of the judges was I?" Things like that that are dismissive in behavior to the ugly comments, showing that she's not bothered with them and that she's letting them roll of her shoulders. If things were to really escalate, THEN she could talk to the coaches, but if she doesn't try to handle it on her own at first, talking to them will only make things worse for her. Back in my cheerleading days, I made varsity my sophomore year, which is the first year you're eligible, and some of the juniors only made JV, so obviously they were ANGRY. They would say little snooty things to me, and I'd say to them, "hmmm...I'm trying to remember here.....WAS I a judge that day???? Hmmmm...oh yeah! I wasn't a judge that day because I was trying out! Maybe you should talk to one of them then" I swear, it stopped immediately. You see, those girls are TRYING to make your daughter upset...they want someone else to feel the pain and embarrassment they're feeling, trying to divert. If your daughter lets them know it's not working, it WILL stop

I agree with what everyone has written in.........your daughter has "earned" her spot on the team and should be proud. that type of encouragment can only come from home, though, so keep trying to reassure her.

I would also give her "the words" to respond in those situations that others attack.........tell her what to say if she can be brave enough to say it..... like "I'm sorry you feel this way about me, but I tried out like everybody else, I wish you were on the team, too"..... she does need to learn to stand up for herself.......even if you help her "behind the scenes" by talking to coaches, etc.....she needs to stand up for herself, too......that's the only way she can get past this and feel good about being on the team. It will only take her once or twice to "be strong" and the comments should begin to stop........at least for my son they did, when he was forced to be in a similar situation. Jealousy can suck! Especially when they are teens!

Teach her how to be proud and secure with herself, and how to stand up for herself. That is your best solution, as difficult as it will be.

Good luck!

~N. :o)

What a difficult situation you and your daughter are in. Laurie had a great idea of having her talk to the coach. It is also important that an adult at school be aware of what is going on. (just in case there are larger issues at play)
Keep reminding her that this is the problem of the other girl. She has done nothing wrong. Isn't she happy for her friends when they do well? That is what friends do, this girl obviously isn't a friend and is jealous of your daughter. (wow I sound like MY mother)
Good luck

You might want to talk to her about the fact that aside from being in high school, she is also enrolled in the School of Life, and it is very different, in that you can't transfer out , or even be expelled. This is a very difficult "honors" type class she's in right now with this situation. She's on the verge of a huge test, and the decision she makes will set a precedent that will follow her through the years. Will she let this other girls jealousy keep her from something she rightfully deserves? Will she put herself in the place of being less than she is capable of to keep a friendship with someone who is clearly not worthy of being called a friend? We have seen what harm can come from cyber bullying, and this girl needs to be stopped before there is a problem like the young girl who committed suicide. I'm sure the mom and the girl who started the whole thing would give anything to turn back the clock and undo the damage they caused. Your daughter needs to decide if she is going to be a victim or an overcomer. She needs to know that the power is in her hands, and that you know she will make the wise decision. As you honor her ability to do the right thing, it will empower her to do that. You can offer to go with her to the coach, principal and let her give the evidence of what this girl is doing. There is a video series "Being Erica" that you can watch on Hulu, it shows a woman in a very disappointing life, and how she got there and being able to go back in time and undo bad decisions. That might be very helpful for her to see.
Blessings to you and your daughter.

I wish I had the answer for you. I can only offer support. I went through this with my daughter from sixth grade until she graduated high school. Jealousy in girls is very evil and when you add facebook, cell phones, the networking seems to make it easier to spread their poison making things worse. People will say horrible things over the net much easier then they will face to face so it can get even uglier. I actually lost a friend of 10 years after my daughter made cheering captain and her daughter didn't. Meanwhile my husband and her husband coached a girls softball team and her daughter made all stars and mine didn't. I knew my daughter was not as good of a softball player and she also was fine with it. So what did we do we supported her, went to all of the all star games etc. But once my daughter had something happen good for her, it was because I was the team mom, I knew the coach etc. Trust me calling the mom's will not help, I made that mistake because I thought this woman was my friend. It got so bad for us that this women convinced other mom's to not have their daughters talk to my daughter. Eventually my daughter lost a huge amount of her friends. It was very difficult, however my daughter did survive, she is now 20, a very strong, beautiful young women. Tell your daughter she made the team because she deserved it. She needs to not back down to these girls, my daughter did and they mistook her kindness for weakness. Your daughter should maybe get the girls together and talk this through, usually when cowardly girls are confronted they will back down. If your daughter allows then to walk all over her they will. I know this is easier said then done but do not let her give up what she likes for them. Girl dynamics still baffle me, it is all drama and not to much sincerity. For some reason some people cannot stand to see people succeed they would much rather see them fail. There was a book I read and eventually gave it to the school counselor called "Queen Bees and Wannabee's" it really gives you a perspective on the roles each girls plays in a group, and also helpful ways to help your daughter deal with these issues. In the meantime if it gets really bad save all messages and bring them to the principal and have them take control of the situation. When this was going on for me there were no anti-bullying laws in effect so I was on my own dealing with my daughter being tortured each day. Good luck to you and keep us posted!!

Ask the coach to talk to your daughter about how he/she does cuts and why your daughter made the team. She needs a confidence boost from an impartial source, I think.

Also, tell the girl's parents what she's doing, and print it out and show them. Then let them handle it if they choose to. They may disappoint you, but maybe not!

This is a hard lesson in letting go of friends until they grow up more! It's hard!!

Good luck!

I am so sorry to read this. Kids can be SOO evil-I know this to be true, as something similar happened to my neice. She had her so called 'best' friends turn on her, and beat her up, but my neice is one of those type of very 'forgiving' girls, and now they're all besties again (rolling my eyes here).
I wish so badly to have the right answer here. If you talk to the coaches and parents, my fear is it'll make matters worse. Has she sat down and talked with her about this? Is there anyway that you can maybe get the 'friend' and her mother to come over and you all have a sit down-not sure if that will make it worse, or better-kinda nervous about that.
I don't think she should quit. She's worked TOO hard for this for another girl that is insanely jealous to ruin it for her. She has to determine her own future, and decide if she wants to be a leader or a follower. Does she wanna stand up for what is right or let people run over her all her life.
BEST of luck on this matter and I do pray that all works out for the best!!
T.
(NC)

This is a sport, and any sport is parallel to "competition." In order to establish a winning team, the coach needs the best athletes. Your daughter is obviously the better athlete and the coach has made her/his decision. If the so-called "friend" is unable to accept the coach's decision, she not only proves to be a poor loser, but also a terrible friend and has exposed herself to be toxic as a person and probably would never be a true teamplayer.

Your daughter needs to stand her ground and be part of the team. She now knows who her friends truly are. Unfortunately, life has placed a dilemma on your daughter's lap. Ask her to learn from this. It will teach her a lesson she will more than likely come across later in life. It will be a terrible mistake for your daughter to give in to her friend's whining and pouting.

As a family therapist who specializes in teens, I would recommend you stay out of it. Be sympathetic, 'I know this must be hard/must really hurt your feelings' etc, but this is her choice to make and her battle to fight. Teens need to learn how to be adults while they still have parents to help them out. If you feel you must step in (and your daughter agrees) try having a meeting with whoever seems to be the ringleader and saying something like, 'My daughter doesn't want you to get in trouble, but I can't tolerate that she is so distressed. We'd really like it if you would stop.....' be specific here and keep the list as short as possible. The other teen may come back with, 'Yeah, well, she always....' in which case your daughter can agree to not do whatever the other teen asked (it's really a face-saving move for the other teen). Then, sum up the agreements and say, "And we'll all meet in a month to see how it's working out."
I hope it works out for you!
Oh, and avoid comments like 'it will all blow over'-- it minimizes her reality-- she doesn't care if it will blow over tomorrow cause she's living it today, and teens have trouble seeing past today.

I am really sorry to hear about your daughters situation. I am a mom of twelve, so I can certainly empathize with your position. I think high school is a
hard age for kids, that is why the teenage years are hard on both the kids and the parents. It is a transition age, kids are struggling with wanting to handle things on their own, and needing their parents at the same time. She needs to know that you are there for her, and maybe a discussion at some time about true friendship would be in order, but I am not sure she can process that right now. Girls tend to get involved in a lot of drama, but it seems to me that the problem is that the other girl is disappointed and her pride is hurt. She feels left out now that her other friends are all involved in the sport and she is not. Maybe some reassurance that they will all still include her in other activities will help. Rather than going to other people, maybe the friends should get together and talk it out. Kids are resilient, and if there was real friendship, some face time may be what this situation needs. Maybe your daughter will have to make the first move, but hopefully the other girl will find something else to be involved and and the friendship can be saved. Maybe not, but then your daughter can draw her own conclusions on whether this "friend" is worth the tears. Best of luck.

Hi!
As a former high school swim coach, I'd tell the Coaches what is going on. They are the ones that can reassure your daughter why she and not her friends was picked for the team. plus, someone already in excellent shape from another sport already has the teamwork skills and an edge in the conditioning needed for the next sport. Good luck!

I completely understand -- my daughter went through something very similar -- but it was girls ON the team whose parents and girls apparently thought she was receiving more starting time, playing time, etc, than she deserved. The jealousy turned into bullying, which continued until her coach finally intervened after it turned quite ugly. Other girls on the team texted the coach in support of my daughter -- as they were too afraid to stand up to the bullies openly. The coach called a special practice session and talked to a couple of the girls individually, and the team as a whole -- telling them that this type of behavior would tear the team apart and they would never succeed -- that they had to care about each other and work together as a team. The coaching director also spoke to the girls Everything improved greatly after that ... still not as good as could be, but my daughter is MUCH happier and playing much better as well -- the bullying had very much affected her playing. I would (a) talk to the friend's parents IF they are likely to be receptive -- otherwise could make things worse (it did when I tried this with this daughter, but the opposite happened (helped a lot) when I tried this with younger daughter and a couple of her friends). Yes, tell the coaches if the bullying occurs on the team. Outside of the team, they don't have much control. Hopefully your daughter will also find other, great athletes to be friends with -- perhaps in other sports or teams, which is what my daughter did. Good luck

I dont' have any experience about this but everything I have read before is that you should deal with this as soon as possible. Bullying is very damage to the victim and it's a behavior that should not be happening at any level. Please, talk with the coaches and try to figure out how to make it stop. It will not go away by itself. good luck!

I agree to monitor the cyber bullying---this happened at a school where I used to work, and it got so bad the police became involved because things were posted on the internet about committing violence against a girl and her family! The bully had to apologize in front of the entire senior class and do some community service.

I also agree that your daughter should be sure to respond in a neutral or "kind" way at school, and not allow herself to be lowered or antaginized.

Also, your daughter should understand that the other girl is probably feeling upset because your daughter has TWO sports while she has none---but that is how life is sometimes...and it doesn't mean that your daughter has done anything wrong. Some people think that they will have "more" in life, only if they make sure that some other people have "less".
Harassing someone who has what the bully wants will not create a more full life for the bully.

Glad you worked it out. Good for your daughter that she's not quitting. This will blow over.

Try to give her some perspective. Would she react the way her friend has if the roles were reversed? The point is that all of this drama is her friend's problem, and not hers. She can't help the way things worked out and she should not blame herself for her friend's immaturity. Tell her to cool it off with this friend for a while, take some time apart and see if they can still be friends when tempers have cooled. If the friend comes around, great. If not or if she escalates, well I guess she wasn't much of a friend after all.

Some friends are for life, but many friends you outgrow or they go in other directions and you can't follow. You can't change yourself to stay friends with other people, especially not when they aren't making any concessions for you. Its not healthy or right or fair.

To sum up, believe it or not (you and her) like the saying goes "This too shall pass" and one of these days, you'll look back and wonder what the big deal was anyway.