Toddler Tantrums: Seeking Advice!

Hi M.,
This sounds, the way you describe it, like a "behavior." Not like there's anything wrong with him.

When I see my son doing a behavior I don't like, it takes a consistent and simple response from me and my husband to decrease or end the behavior. If you two agree on an appropriate response to a behavior (keep it simple), and stick to it, you'll get rid of it.

Remember: *you* are the parents. I see how hard you're trying: keep up the great work!
T

Hi M., I'm not going to question your own answer on him manipulating, it sounds pretty accurate. I keep advising this book to everybody, and the people who have bought it, have emailed back saying thank you... 1-2-3 MAGIC. It is a great book on childrens behaviour and how to deal with it. Also, just in case, I would have him checked out by the pediatrician to rule out anything really physical. Has his diet changed? My daughter went through a year and a half of severe pain caused by food allergies, and chronic appendicitis. She was crying all of the time. Even wake up crying because her stomach hurt so bad. Food has a way of making us misserable if we have allergies. If none of this is what is wrong there is a great child/family psychologist at the U of A (if you are in Tucson) Joanna Katsanis PhD ###-###-####. She would recommend the book I mentioned. If he is not ill or in pain, I would start out by recommending going into his room, make sure he is ok. Offer to bring him out. If he still is screaming LEAVE the room. Check on him every 5 minutes, but, DONT TALK to him. Just glance in. He might just get the message that you aren't going to fall for his behaviour. Get the book. Its so easy to go by. I guess that's why it's called 1-2-3 MAGIC!! Make sure you reward him with praise for good behaviour, or if he stops. If he shortens the screeming phase, congratulate him on that. He will understand!! Good luck

Sounds like he is having night terrors (which can happen during a nap too). They can be caused by stress. I'm not sure what to tell you but a child I baby sat as a teen had them (the parents failed to tell me before I actually experienced him having one).

The child seems to "wake up"- sits up, eyes are open but kind of vacant, and the child screams, kicks and basically has a huge tantrum that one caanot do anything to 'help' with or calm the child down.

Try googling the term to see if it might fit what you are experiencing and talk to your doctor. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I can certainly empathize with you. It is hard to know what to do because each child is different. My second oldest son (he's now 10) had a similar experience when he was about 1 1/2 years old. He would go to sleep at bedtime, then oftentimes during the nights he would wake up screaming as if he were afraid of something. He would tremble and have a glazed look in his eyes as if he weren't really "here" and he would just scream--loudly at that too...He was unconsolable. Then, after what seemed like an eternity--because it seems longer when you can't do anything to help your child--it was more in reality about 30 to 45 minutes--he would just stop. He would go back to sleep and not remember any of it in the morning.

We asked the child psych about this and what caused it and what we could do about it. His reply was that we described what is known as "night terrors" and that the only thing that we can really do for him is to watch him to make sure he does not hurt himself. We could hold him to help sooth his "fears" and reassure him that we are there and that we love him, but that we can't make him stop. "Night terrors" will eventually fade away with time, occuring with less frequency. My son did this for months--but not every single night. Sometimes, he even did it a few times a night. That really got us worried. But, sure enough, in due time, the "night terrors" did subside--Thank-goodness! But it did not happen overnight. It was a gradual decrease. By the time he was 2 1/2 or 3, he did not have any more "night terrors".

As for the temper tantrums your son is having, that is a phase he will (eventually) grow out of. Yelling at him does not help, neither does giving in to his wants/demands. The best thing for temper tantrums is to put him in a relatively alone place--such as the hallway in school, let him work it out and you tell him that when he has calmed down and is ready to talk, that you'll be glad to talk to him. But, then you ignore his tantrum actions (it's best if you can put some distance between him and you, say about at least 10 feet)--unless he is hurting someone or destroying something, then remove him from any potential harm. By putting him in a boring place where he cannot hurt anybody or anything, his attention-getting scheme will diffuse sooner. Sometimes the temper tantrums can last a very long time--depending on the strong will of the child. Do NOT let him get the upper hand!--you always STAY IN CONTROL--NO bargaining--and BE CONSISTENT!! If you say,"NO" then STICK WITH IT, no matter how badly your child acts--if you give in even one time, then that makes your job 10x harder because they know you will falter and will continue to "push those buttons"' til you give in again... and they will keep trying. Be loving, understanding , and patient.

It takes time and practice to develop these qualities, but you will be glad you did because children will continue to challenge you- no matter what phase in life they are in. Enjoy the good moments...and during the trying moments--turn to Heavenly Father for that extra strength and patience needed for that particular situation. And ALWAYS give your child a hug afterwards and tell him you love him. Hint: Do NOT ask/pray for patience because then you will be bombarded by trials that will help you develop that quality that you had asked for ;->

I hope this advice has been helpful. I have learned through experience and by asking other mothers who've been through similar experiences. It seems to me that raising my 5 children (ages: 12,10,8,5,4) has given me a wealth of experience and knowledge--which I hope that I have the wisdom to apply wisely. We are always still learning.

Oh, and keep in mind, each child is different, so what will work with one child may or may not work with another child. You have to be the judge of that.
Good luck! You will do well! Hang in there! (and congrats on your second child!) :-)

--L.

(little bit about me: My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and have met many people through his military job...We have 5 very wonderful and active children who are growing up and turning out nicely despite my efforts ;-> I love to sew and cook and use my creative juices to make things that will save us money...I love people and love to help in any way I can... )

It sounds a lot like the night terrors that my younger daughter has had occasionally. They seem to wake up (though they aren't actually awake) and scream and kick like mad for up to an hour and then things are suddenly fine. It's been a while since my little one had one, but when she had them more frequently, it did seem like she was more likely to have one when she had been stressed, and/or over-tired. I first noticed this correlation when we drove to Canada last summer. The first day, we spent 12 hours on the road, and my little one refused to sleep during the drive. She was very frustrated and over-tired that day, as were we all! When we got settled in our hotel room that night, she went right to sleep but then had an hour long night terror in the middle of that night (which was even less fun in a hotel room!). Once the terror starts, there isn't much that you can do but just get through it, and there really isn't much that your child can do about either, so it isn't a discipline issue. If you read about them online, you'll find that during a night terror the child actually isn't fully awake, doesn't really even recognize that you are there, and can't be easily awoken. If/when you do manage to wake him up, he will probably be terrified. So, all that you can try to do is soothe him as much as you can until it's over. You can try to avoid having them altogether by trying to ensure that his day isn't too stressful and that he gets plenty of rest.

For more info:

http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/sleep/a/night_terrors.htm

http://www.drgreene.com/21_155.html

Tantrums are normal and they are usually caused by frustration of some kind. What you describe doesn't sound like a tantrum to me. I would like to echo what Janie said about getting medical advice to rule out something physical and also advice from a mental health professional who specializes in working with young children. Make sure the mental health professional really knows younger kids because their needs and responses are different than older kids - it always surprises me that there are some "child" therapists who don't get kids under 4 or 5 years. Anyway. . .

With the difficulty with transitions and the timing of his meltdowns, I would get some other input before responding to the behavior as a run of the mill tantrum. Good luck and congrats on the impending addition to your family.

Hi M.,
I have 9 children ranging from tots to teens, but before I had kids I worked in a daycare for many years. I saw this exact pattern of behavior emerge in the children at the exact same age. I believe this inner turmoil and rage (the conflicting feelings of love & anger at the same time) peak at this age in little ones who are forcibly separated from their Life-source (their mommies). I know this is not what you want to hear, and my heart goes out to you. There is a book that helps working moms minimize these problems and I think it would help you tremendously. It is called Home by Choice:Raising Emotionally Secure Children in an Insecure World (written by a mom in your exact shoes) and it has a section for moms who cannot stop working. Order it now...it may save you many nights of tears.
http://www.amazon.com/Home-Choice-Emotionally-Children-In...

In the meantime, be careful not to make the pain and resentment worse. Give him all the comfort and love he needs. If he seems manipulative, it's only because he knows no other way to get his needs met. Look at his heart and remember how vulnerable and weak he really is (and how scary it is to be a tiny child!) Look for some creative solutions so that you and your husband and child can ALL be together and get your needs met (without anyone getting left out). You're a family, a team, a unit. Allow that "oneness" to carry you over the hurdles and inspire you to think out of the box.
They grow up so quickly and then you miss their neediness. Seize the moment and follow your heart!
L.

I would try to totally ignore it for awhile a week or so. as long as he is not being hurt I would just let it go---- it looks like it is cry for attention. BUT before you do this get a medical physical and rule out any medical problems--- look for inner ear problems--- if that is the problem the pressure of him getting up or laying down could be hurting him and he is mad because it is not getting better---- if the doctor is not finding anything ignore it for while and see if it goes away... because you are NOT paying attention to him he will stop...

M.,
I don't know why this is coming to me when I read your request, but what about having his ears checked? He might have a low grade ear infection.
Good luck,
B.

I would record the time each night when these espisodes start. If there is a pattern, like same time every night then i would wake him up a few minutes before and give him some water or change his diaper... some thing to change the cycle. I had one child that would wake up every night at 1:20 am and sit up and cry (that was solved by taking her to the bathroom), another child would sleep walk between 1 and 2 am i would give him some milk, poptarts when he was older..., and my 3rd child had more tantrums like yours, skin to skin contact helped, i would lift my shirt and put his belly to my belly (trying not to get kicked in the process) and it would help him calm down. Some kids just have tantrums. I hope it is normal. My 3rd child is turning 13 now and he seems like a happy go lucky kid. He still talks/screams in his sleep i think nightly, but breifly. He use to have the daytime tantrums that could be very long. I used the right words and it wouldn't do any good, except to let him know i love him. Later he would give me a hug and say he's sorry. No explanations are given.
Hope this helps. If you need some of the "right" words to say there is a book (method) called "love and logic" that may help to make a consistent pattern for parents behavior/reactions. (i used 1,2,3, magic on my first child (a little old fashioned), but then discovered "love and Logic" (can be used as they grow)

Hi M.. This may sound weird and far-fetched, but it may be a food allergy. Our daughter had similar behaviors since she was 9 months old. Of course, she couldn't talk, but the screaming was relentless. There were other signs too that I could let you know about if you want.
Anyway, sometimes food allergies take on the form of a behavioral issue. Some ppl get rashes, some get diarrhea, so it only makes sense that food allergies can affect ANY part of our body, including our brain.
With our daughter, it was milk that she was allergic to. But wheat, eggs, corn, and even red food dye (#40) have been proven to cause issues.
If you want more info, just write me. Otherwise, there are lots of good websites out there on "food allergies and behavior issues" and the like.
To test for food allergies, it only takes a month or so of you time before you know. Some ppl are very put off by having to do this and ignore this idea for a long time. But if it is the food, it is 100% worth the simple fix. If it isn't, at least you ruled something out.

If I'm understanding right, your son is crying on waking and doesn't want anything from you, except to leave him alone. To me, that doesn't sound like a tantrum because there's nothing he's wanting or gaining from it. It may sound ridiculous, but my inution is telling me to say it anyway. I would take him to his pediatrician and have him checked out for sleep disorders or possibly some sort of siezure disorder. I've recently heard of types of seizures that occur during sleep. My son, who's now 22, used to have similar episodes if he got disturbed when he was first falling asleep, and sometimes during his sleep. That went on until he was about 7 or 8 and then started tapering off, as I remember. They seemed to occur more when he was really tired before he fell asleep. We never did figure out what it was, other than perhaps "night terrors" and that he's also a very vivid dreamer, but I think technology and awareness have improved a lot since then. Good luck.

I would go say hi to him when he first wakes up and then go out of the room if he starts his tantrum. Sounds like he is putting on a show for you and if you ignore him then maybe he will stop.

Good luck!
B.