To Have a Baby or Not to Have a Baby

Hi L.-
It sounds to me as if your husband is craving couple time. You have only been married 3 years and yet you already have 2 children. Many men feel a real loss when their wives start having children. Children thrive best in homes where the parents are happy, healthy and together. I would suggest you focus more on the needs of your husband, as well as the children you already have. Insisting upon bringing a third child into the situation as it stands now could be a recipe for disaster. I understand your feelings about the age gap thing, but there is always time to have another child later, when it suits both your needs and your husbands. No good can come from trying to force a situation that may not feel right to your husband. Good luck and enjoy your family!

I totally understand the situation you are in. I am in a similar one. My husband and I agreed to three children before we were married. Then, two high risk pregnancies later, he has changed his mind. He always wanted two and I wanted four. I thought three was a good compromise. Now that we have a boy and a girl, he feels we should be done, especially considering my health history with pregnancies. I still feel very strongly that I want another, and am afraid I will resent my husband if we don't try for one more. I feel he will resent me if we have another or if something goes wrong with a pregnancy. It's a tough situation and it's one that you have to work on together. We talk about it all the time. I would not go sneaking around to get pregnant. In my opinion, this would do nothing good for the marriage. Good luck!

My husband and I are actually in the opposite situation. He keeps asking and I keep saying no. I have personal fears I have to get over. We have one boy who is six now. I know the gap is getting bigger but I dont feel the right connection nor do I feel ready to have another child. I guess I would say to talk about the reasons why he wants to wait. Maybe if you understand his point of view and he unerstands yours you can make a better connection. Good luck.

Kudos to Kristi E. - her advice is great. As for June's advice - WOW! That is very extreme. I'd try to meet somewhere in between. It is your body, but I assume your husband has a role in the household with earning money, caring for the kids, etc. etc. It would be unfair to throw his feelings aside just because you want more kids. I understand completely the desire to have more. I would love to have 3 more kids, but we probably won't have that many more. I'm 28 and we've been married 10 years. The secret to our happiness is discussion and open communication. If you don't care about a lasting marriage and just want to reproduce, then take June's advice. It really depends on where your values lie. You might be missing out on other things in life if you disregard your hubby's feelings and end up with resentment.

In my opinion, 18 months isn't a huge age gap. I've got 5 years between #2 and #3 and *that* felt like a moderately big gap for our family, but it also gave me a chance to completely enjoy my third child's babyhood. Besides, I was continually astounded at how much cooler the baby stuff had gotten in 5 years.

You may have said you wanted three kids when you got married, but having two little ones under 2 years is a HUGE adjustment. If you "accidentally" get pregnant, you'll feel guilty and he'll be resentful. Not a happy place for three children.

I'm speaking from experience.

You probably don't have time or money, but I'd say it's VITAL to find a neutral third party, a counselor or minister, to help work it out. If you can't work out the number of kids you going to have together, how can you deal with the day-to-day grind of parenting together?

I totally understand where you are coming from! We have two boys, ages 4 1/2 and 15 months. I really want to try for a girl, but my husband is very hesitant. For him, its mostly about his age, he's 39 and doesn't want to be a 'senior citizen' when his kids are teenagers. :) He's goofy.
Its not really about mone ywith us, I breastfeed, cloth diaper, we don't have daycare expense since I stay at home, and I make all our own baby food, so its really him just worried about being too old to be a dad.

So while I understand where he is coming from, its also quite frustrating to me. What I recommend is to sit down and have a chat iwth your husband. I just thought my husband was being an arse about it until we actually sat down and talked about it, and he told me his fears, which I had no clue about before.

Good luck to you.

L.
I totally agree with Stacie! As a mother of three myself, ages 8, 6, and 3 I wouldn't change our situation for the world, but times can be difficult. Two out of my three children were "blessings that we did not realize we wanted", and fortunately my husband and I were on the same page with it. Not only that but there was a huge difference in the family structure going from two children to three. And I'm not just talking about finances, although that is something that you have to think about. Instead of paying for two kids college degrees, now your talking about three, two of them at the same time. Although I know that your children are extremely smart little ones and will get full ride scholorships to school, you still have to think about those things. Talk with your husband discuss why it is so important to you to have a family of five and why it is so important to him to wait a bit and hopefully the two of you can come up with a solution in which no one is resentful.
Best of luck!
L.

L.,

I am kinda in the same boat as you. I have always wanted 4 children. Now while I do 'technically' have 4, one is my stepdaughter and while I do love her as my own, she isn't mine. I feel like I have an empty space inside. DH doesn't want another and I, too am afraid for resenting him for it. I shouldn't complain as the 2 little ones I do have were truly a blessing after 10+ years of infertility. Its a tough spot to be in. I wish you all the best.

Hey L.!

I agree with Stacy - find out from your husband why he is reluctant to have another baby. Maybe it is the expense, maybe he's worried that you'll have less time for him. It could be a variety of things.

My husband is reluctant to have #2, but it's mostly because of expense. I'm trying to come up with ways to save money with the second one (committing to breastfeeding for a year - quitting early only after exhausting all resources since i quit early on with #1, cloth diapering - borrowing diapers from friends who cd, recycling clothes from friends if we have a girl - we have a boy now), and that's helping him come around. We've gone through our budget to determine how much money we'll need for #2. We know that we can't afford 2 in daycare, so we're waiting another year or two... and, I can wait that long if it means having another one that I so much want. Unfortunately, staying home isn't an option for either one of us, as we very much depend on both incomes.

I know what it feels like to not be "done" being a mom to little ones. :) Maybe through a lot of discussion, honesty & compromise, you'll be able to come to a good conclusion for both of you.

Good luck...
J.
mom to Chase (3)

Hi L.,

OK --gee, I had this same thing happen to me. When we got married, I wanted 6 kids, my husband (now ex-husband) wanted 3, we compromised and said 4. Well, 5 years later, and the 3rd one was born, my husband decides out of the blue that he wants a vasectomy. I was so disappointed. We had an agreement....and I wanted my kids altogether and by the same father. So........it was a month before his surgery and he was drinking a few beers...well, I flirted a little bit with him, and I seduced him. Welll, I knew I was ovolating....and I didn't really know if it stuck or not, just knew I needed to try. I found out I was pregnant a week or less before his surgery....he had it anyway. All's I know is I have 4 kids and they all have the same father! My last 2 are 11 months apart and what a journey...if I hadn't had him, I would be so sad.

I say take control of something. Who says he's the one that's opinion should matter? It's YOUR body. Stop all forms of birth control and don't tell him.Get pregnant. Trust me, if you guys get divorced in a year or 5, and you don't have making babies out of your system, you will want another and then your kids won't alll have the same dad.(not that it's a bad thing, just is helpful since he's with you now)

Sounds sneaky I know but I did it and my gilrfriend did it and we are VERY happy for doing it.

Good Luck!
J. N

Well i'm kinda in the same boat. Me and my husband have 3 kids a his, mine and ours. i want one more at least and he changes his mind from one month to the next. But one of his biggest things and i think it is w/ a lot of guys is r u financially stable to be able to raise one more child. Your husband might be looking farther into the future as far as college for all the kids and so forth. Usually w/ guys its deaper than we think. Does he spend a lot of time w/ the other kids or r they just there and he doesnt have much to do w/ them. B/c if he does love having the other ones and plays a lot and loves to be a father then I really think its deeper than what u may think. Try to get a GOOD reason out of him why he does want anymore children and dont give him any excuses (pointers) if you know what I mean...its got to come from him. All of our kids have a huge span too...16, 8, and 15 mths. I want another soon too...but its got to be a good time for the both of you.

I must say passing judgement on June is a bit harsh, however, I too tried a simular tactic over a year ago and mine was not a great out come (molar pregnancy at 12 weeks).

Don't put more strain on your marriage and sneak a conception. Bottomline, do tell him it really isn't fair to break your heart or dreams with more discussion and compromise.

I am very much in your situation (my daughter will be 5 in April) and I can't stand to be a mother ot an only. My vision was 3 but having 2 is my compromise if hubby would only commit.

Best of luck!

Dear L.; I have 4 children all 2 years apart from the next. I understand what you are thinking however, have you tried talking to your husband? I mean if he knew what you wanted, on the other hand it could be that Children are expensive. The diapers,food, the late nights, and early mornings. I assume you want your children so close in age so they have playmates, that was my thinking at first. However, My oldest 10 gets along better with my 2 yr then my 4 year old does. and my 7 year old, well she isnt that type of person, she is more of a loner. It is hard to decifer what is really best for your family unless you first talk to your husband on why, he is prolonging, or dig deep and see if you are ready for another child. Your 22 month old isnt potty trained yet I assume, so that might be part of the wait. The best answer I believe you will recieve is the one that you get from your husband. Best of Luck S.

L.,

What a tough call! My advice to you is for both of you to attend couples therapy concerning this issue--and therefore to nip any questions of future resentment in the bud. My husband and I agreed from the get-go about how many we wanted (two); when we had two, he almost immediately got a vasectomy. Even when we found out baby two was another girl and I offered to do it again in hopes of having a boy, he said two was enough, period. But I realize that not every couple discusses this well in advance, and this sort of conflict can rip a marriage apart. You say you told him that you want three, but you don't say how many he said he wanted. Regardless, I am afriad that you will get into a situation in which he or you or both will dig your heels in and both of you will come out of this feeling resentful. It's best to work out an issue this huge with an objective mediator; you will at least gain a greater understanding of where the other is coming from, and that's half the battle. Good Luck!