Tired of "Losing It" with the Kids!

It is hard isn't? I have the same struggle daily. I recently joined www.positiveparentingsolutions.com You don't have to pay to get some of the tips. Join the newsletter and FB and you will get tips and advice. Sometimes an occassional free video class. The site is good.
Also, sometimes it is helpful to mentally think that you have a guest in the house or are in public and that seems to help you to keep words and tone less harsh. It's easy to yell and it is frustrating to hear myself do it. Working on it too. Good luck

Just remember that when you "lose it", it's the adult version of a temper tantrum.
I find that reminding myself of that when I'm starting to crack helps me take a deep breath and reign it in quickly, given how much it gets to me when the kids do it.

This is also one of my New Year's resolutions! I also have a boy, 5, and a girl, 2. It is mostly my 5-year-old who drives me crazy, will not do anything we ask, and who dawdles so that we are late for everything. I am trying to allow lots of extra time for him to get ready and expect everything with him to take at least twice as long as it should. Then I take deep breaths, count to 10, and just try to muster all the patience I can. So far it is working!

I did an experiment that amused the absolute heck out of my neighbors a few years ago: I decided I wasn't go to yell anymore. I was done. They looked at me like I told them I was going to learn how to walk a tight rope and join the circus. They thought I was nuts. *I* thought I was nuts. I'd surely never follow through with it...
It was hard work. I slipped a few times. I learned how to use my "crazy mom" face instead of a yell. I would get little emails every once in a while from them that said things like "I thought I heard the faint sound of a long scream from across the street... was that you??" or "I've been looking out above your house and I've yet to see a mushroom cloud explosion. But don't kid yourself; I'm still watching". Yeah, yeah. It was all in good fun. But you know what? It worked!!
The kids actually listened more! Yes, I still have to repeat myself, I still have to remind them to stop doing things they know they shouldn't, but it's few and far between now. Shoot, even my neighbors noticed the difference and it inspired them to try it out.
Nothing's perfect. I still "lose it" from time to time, but not like it used to be. It really helped me become more calm and my kids don't look at me anymore like I'm going to rip their head off.
Don't know if that's what you wanted or needed to hear, but thought I'd share.

You are not alone S., I have a 10 yr old and a 2 yr old, and I've been trying (for like 10 years lol) to do the same thing. I think I've gotten a little more patient as I've gotten older, but something that I read somewhere helps me out when I'm talking to the kids (or getting ready to pull my hair out!) I don't know where I saw it, but it was something about getting your kids to cooperate and keeping your cool. It was something like this-- Imagine your boss or your spouse talked to you the way you talk to your kids. Instead of saying "Could you get that report to me by noon?" they screamed "Give me that report now!!" Or instead of "Would you mind doing the dishes tonight, I'm so tired," it was "If I have to tell you to do those dishes again I will lose my mind!" The article said that's it's hard to remember that "treat others the way you wish to be treated" also applies to our kids. If we want them to listen and not give us attitude, we have to treat them with respect, the same way we want other people talking to us.

I don't know if that will help anyone else or not, but although it hasn't cured me of my tendency to scream, it has definitely helped. I try to phrase things in a more calm and nicer way, even when I'm upset. Something about saying please actually seems to calm me down and remember that it's just a little thing and I can still be nice about it.

It kills me when I lose it with the boys, but sometimes we're just overloaded and they are too, and that's a combination for disaster :)

I hope this helps a little, it's still a struggle for me but that article really helped me see things in a new light.

Best of luck with everything!
J.

Hey, I have the same problem. I have been slowly getting better, and I mean slowly.

For me, it helps to be less hard on myself when I mess up. I used to lie in bed at the end of the day and cry and beat myself up for yelling at my kids. I over-dramatized how bad I was. I am really I think probably normal/average. I am nice a lot of the day, and sometimes snap or yell. For me, it helps me to be more forgiving and patient with MYSELF, and then with my kids. If I expect myself to be a perfect mom, I will always be upset with myself, and then I get more upset with my kids. If I just say, "oops, my bad." and not dwell on it, then I tend to have less blowups with the kids.

Another thing that has greatly helped me is realizing that I wasn't yelling out of anger, but out of anxiety. I am really not mad at my kids, just freaking/stressing over something stupid, like not being late to school. If I can realize that I need to slow down and put things in perspective, take long, slow breaths not to rid myself of anger but anxiety, that helps me too.

Time before responding helps... walk away and take a few deep breaths before saying anything.

However, assuming you'll lose it once in a while, as we ALL do, I find that apologizing helps me keep myself in check, and smooth things over for the next exasperating moment. When I say something like "I reacted very badly earlier and you didn't deserve such anger from me. I was very frustrated by the behavior, but my tone was very unfair and disrespectful to you and I'm very sorry" it makes them feel better in that moment, and it helps to remind ME that it's not how I want to behave. I also try to give them a chance to talk about how it feels for them (Mama was pretty scary, huh?) which also helps me realize how bad I make them feel when I yell. But taking responsibility for it makes feel a little better about myself, and the next time a moment comes up I am more likely to aim for the calm, respectful voice. And then the next time I am PMSing it starts all over again ;)

Great book suggestion:
"Stop Arguing with your Kids" by Dr. Michael Nichols

When I was working with preschool children and I would find myself on the verge of loosing it... I would actually put myself in time-out. Not only did it stop whatever they were doing b/c they were surprised, but it modeled to the kids that sometimes the best thing to do is take a minute to cool-off before responding.

I feel the same way! You are definitely not alone. I think life gets in the way, we get overwhelmed and stressed and as a result, our patience wears thin especially with our children. I too, am trying to do things in a new way. I think we need to take a "time out" for ourselves before we respond sometimes. Maybe count to 10, 20 or however long it takes for you to be able to respond in a calm way. I am going to try this approach. We need to retrain ourselves, start thinking and living this way: Everything else can wait, but our children can't. Meaning, we need to give our children our full attention at the moment and then get back to the other stuff. Easier said than done but we have to try. Be sure to get some good quality "me" time. If you don't, you are not only cheating yourself but your kids. Good luck!! :)

OMG...You make me feel soo good!! I am not the only mother out there with the same problem. I am TIRED of yelling! I am TIRED of complaining about the same stuff!! I am a mom of my step-daughter 14, daughter 11, daughter 6, and a son thats 3. Please let me know if you figure out anything because I feel the same way. My husband doesnt help either because I am the disaplinary in our household and it sucks. Like my kids always get to have fun Dad and I am mean mom!! I make them brush there teeth and clean there room. Dad lets them make messes that I get to clean up. Do you know when we go out to dinner as a family my kids will fight who gets to sit next to Dad? because nobody wants to sit next to me...Anyway I am tired of being the bad and yelling.... Please let me know if you find any advice I am truly interested!!

Good Luck,
T.

I have resolved to do the same! I have a 13 yo and 2 yo and I am disgusted with myself when I hear how I am when I "lose it" which seems almost daily the past months.

Sorry I don't have any advice, just know that you are not alone! I will be watching to see any advice you get though :)

i have been feeling much like you described and really wanted to find a good solution to teach myself and my almost 3 year old daughter better communication skills. i heard a woman on npr last week talking about ways to positively parent with respect going both ways. her name is laura ramirez and she has written a book called "keepers of the children". i ordered it the same day and have read just a small fraction of the book but already feel that it is a great resource. i think it's going to help a lot!

One thing that I was able to do was talk to them about it-I would tell them that I love them-that never changes, but I am not always happy with their behavior. I also tell them that I want to treat them with dignity and respect and have an expectation to be treated the same. Days were structured-a schedule was maintained, but it was not always rigorous-mealtime was set so that we could all be together-then I spent time with each of the 5 children. TV and video games-no-creative playing and reading and homework-yes. They made their beds beginning at age two and carried their llittle laundry baskets to their room and put away their clothes-not always perfect-but they were trying and got a lot of praise. They received thanks and praise nearly every time. They were handed a clean cloth to wipe up spills, cleared the table-put their dishes in the dishwasher, etc. If you treat your children like invited guests, lining up activities, making their beds, laying out meals with no participation, staying up late, etc-after three days-you will want them to leave. Be a family-everyone pitches in, stuff gets done, you're out the door on time-when you need to be-lots of time left over for fun-set bedtime-and it's pretty nice-and easy.

I can't suggest any books sorry. I can tell you what has always worked really well for me. My parents were very emotionally abusive and would say horrible things to us then turn and be totally polite and respectful to each other and it drove me crazy. I remind myself before I speak to think about how I would feel if someone were saying that to me. I find that if I live by the rule "if you wouldn't say it to an adult don't say it to my kids" works very well for me. Good Luck!

S.:

I have my moments. I love my children to death and know that they are a gift from God and that I should always hold them and love them - but I do lose it. I do NOT like yelling at them - it seems that there are TIMES when the only way I get their attention is by yelling. URGH!!!!

I have tried to take a deep breath and remember I need to treat them better....they will be taking care of me (I hope!) in my older years! I certainly don't want them treating me this way! YIKES!!!

Thank you for reading my mind - my 4 year old has to remind ME to 'calm down'. I, too, don't have advice, but like the other poster said, you are not alone. Mornings are so hectic, then I get home and the frazzledness happens all over again. Good luck - I will contunie to read up on all of the suggestions you receive.

A friend posted "22 Alternatives to losing it" a few years ago and I printed it and had it on my fridge during the younger years with my kids. I haven't read it in a while so I'm not 100% it's relevant but have a read.

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/22_alternatives.html

yes, i feel the same way, especially after my daughter (my otherwise perfect 7 year old) started school and started picking up bad knowledge right along with good. I feel myself reacting badly to what i could more effectively squash with reasonable explanations of behavior.

we are all human and we make errors. Ill be paying attention to this thread

After rushing my 7yr old out the door to school the last 3 days, I feel the same way as you. It isn't his fault we have all had a hard time getting back into the routine, but I'm sure I've made him feel like it is. Though I don't have advise, thanks for helping me know I'm not alone! Maybe we should cut ourselves some slack, and start fresh. And maybe letting them having pizza for dinner would be a good start ;)

I lost it with my son (now 3.5 years) all the time. Then I watched a video called "1, 2, 3 Magic", and we try to use those discipline strategies at home. It's a little dated, but very effective for us. I love the idea people here have of putting myself in a time out too. Even though I rarely yell anymore, I get a tone to my voice that sounds pretty mean when I'm getting frustrated, so I'm working on that. I should speak to my kids the way I speak to someone I really respect, like our pastor or my grandfather.

That soundsl like a great new Years resolution, We are always role models for our kids in how to talk to others and how to deal with frustration. I remind myself and my hubby that with very young kids less discussion (related to discipline) is more. Do not try to explain to Young kids Why they should do something or listen they are not logical adults or tweens who need to act right without adult supervision. (we frustrate ourselves) Do not try to convince them you are right (Very Frustrating!) do not put them in a situation where they want to lie. (did you break this?? did you make this mess?) Just say clean it up or no tv and walk away. just think "I'm the Mom and Because I Said So" is enough. Let them hear you say "I am so upset right now I need to go take a time out" etc
Yoga helps me feel calmer!

Hi S.,
This is my new year's resolution too! (5yo and 2yo dds) I feel awful when I've yelled at my girls for something. I don't want them mimicking that behavior! Yikes! Still it comes out and another responder was right, it was because I was frazzled and just snapped. When your kids are this young, we forget that they NEED, NEED, NEED from us so much and sap our energy almost as if they were still gestating within us. If I'm not careful and neglect my own needs, the screaming starts. Don't think you are being selfish when you cater to your own needs first. You are making sure your cup is full and then they will benefit from all that runs over the rim from a well rested, content caregiver who truly does love them and would do anything for them. Right? Easier said than done, I know. Good luck!

Funny you say that because that is what I am working on right now also. I feel like I blow up at my kids way too much. I don't want them to grow up yelling, so I know it is time for a change. So far it has been hard, but here's to hoping we both can do it!

Doing my almost 5 yr old daughter's hair this morning I told her to get back here as she started to walk away. She said to me - is that a nice way to ask? No it's not! Me- sorry kiddo, you're right.

I can't wait to read the responses cause I sure need them!

Thanks for asking this! I'm excited to look more closely to some of the responses to A) feel better and B) check out some of the suggested resources. As someone who grew up with "yellers" for parents- it is HARD to break that cycle! My husband grew up in a more easygoing family- so it is really hard for him to understand this side of me. I think the part he hates the most is that I am the nicest and most patient person- to everyone else except him and the kids. All day long I work with families of infants and toddlers doing therapy- and I think I just let loose when I am "off the clock". My kids are 5 and 7 now- and it hurts so bad when they say things like "mommy- you made me sad because you yelled at me". Or when they cry b/c of it. Or when the 7 year old defends himself and I realize he was just trying to do something good. GRRR.
One thing that sometimes helps me: realizing this is not the only you. You
ARE a good mom!!! (why else would you recognize this as something you want to change.) And I know that I am very understanding- I really try to understand my kids' temperaments and personalities, and give them lots of love, affection, and understanding. I bet that your kids KNOW you love them! And THAT is powerful!

I think just the fact that you recognize and own the fact that your communication needs improvement is huge. I think we all find ourselves in patterns of yelling or other inefective communications styles. I think just by recognizing it you can make big steps to stop it. When ever I feel like I'm going to "loose it" , I stop and count to three and remind myself of a couple of things-1- I am the example and yelling will only foster more yelling. 2-getting all worked up is sometimes just the attention and/or entertaiment my kids are looking for when they act out and lastly I remind myself my kids really are awesome kids but they are just that "KIDS" - they are still learning and testing and pushing and it's my job to lead them the right way and yelling will not acomplish this. All that being said- it's not always easy but I do find that it is more effective not to yell and you can still be firm without yelling. Good luck. These are tough ages- both really in testing and pushing stages- mine are 4 and 2 so I'm in the same boat.

Been there, still going through that. I have a 5 yr old boy and 7 yr old daughter at when Im stressed or its just not been a good day I find myself fussing, yelling more then I should. One; I pray for patience with the kids every day. I try to keep my tone at all times the same tone I use in a office atmosphere, Instead of interupting them I try to just zip my lip and listen to them, (My daughter gets so frustrated when she cant state how she's feeling or what her brother did to her, etc) so I try to listen more, be more understanding. I try to go at it with the approach 'how would you react, act if they were my sister's kids' I wouldnt be hollering going off the deep end. It takes work and patience. I just try to keep in the back of my mind that I dont want my kids to grow up and all they remember was 'mommie hollering and screaming all the time'. Take the time to listen, sometimes you may have to drop everything, sit on the floor with them and just listen to them. Over dinner hear how their day went, what made it a good day, what did they do fun, what happened that they didnt like. Hope this helps some.