Not Eatting I'm Beyond Stressed

~~~~~ NO JUDGEMENT HERE! ~~~~~

K.,
I was 19 when I had my daughter (19 yrs. ago), I lived at home and I didn't get along w/my mother. I also suffered from depression (still do) but it was undiagnosed at the time. So I understand your frustration. First, you need to see a therapist along with a psychiatrist. Reason? The psychiatrist can write scripts & get info about your progress from both you and your therapist. Also, you need to talk to someone about what you are going through. Your meds aren't enough right now. I am going by what you are describing. While you might feel better than before, you aren't there yet. Remember, your mental health will determine your parenting.

Oh, I DO understand that you know yelling at her is wrong but that you can't control it. I really understand the lack of control part. I'm ADHD & understant the lack of impulse control. So, I am not judging you, I promise!

Ok, the eating problems. Your daughter is picking up on your frustration and is getting frustrated too. Being upset & angry only makes it harder for her to calm down to eat. If she wants a bottle...let her. She needs the nutrition. So, instead of paring down the # of bottles, increase the amount of bottles given. The more hungry she is, the harder it is to calm down enough to eat. So give her as many bottles as she wants & offer snacks of healthy food before or during a bottle. Make the desicion to not get angry re her eating. (I know, easier said than done.) Just decide that you can do it for one hour. Bite you tongue if you have to. Offer her bottle & whatever else she will eat for a while. If she doesn't eat, tell yourself "that's ok, we'll try later". Tyr to feed her away from the table for a while. She might associate the table with punnishment & not want to eat there. You will start to see improvement, I promise. If not, call her Dr. & explain EVERYTHING that is going on. Ask him for help with your daughter's eating. Also, DCFS may have some good parenting & anger management courses. Ask. They will be happy that you are trying to get help.

Remember, you are doing this for your daughter's health & well being. Her mental health is part of that.

*IMPORTANT If you get to the point where you just can't handle it and you are too upset to care for her, ADMIT it to yourself. It is what it is. You daughter is the most important thing right now. So if you are honest with yourself & realise you can't do it right now, call DCFS & be honest with them. Being a GREAT parent is making sure your daughter is in great care. If you can't give that care, making sure she gets it is a loving decision to make. Seriously, if you can't do it w/o yelling at her all the time, some time off from parenting could give you the time to get the help & medication you need to be a better parent later on. I am not saying you are at that point now, but think about that in case it does get to that point.

Also, you need to take care of YOU. You need to eat well, eat three meals w/snacks in between. Your blood sugar needs to be regulated to help with your moods. Get enough sleep! Try to go to bed the same time each night. Depression is worse when you don't get enough sleep. Get exercise! Again, it can help your depression. It won't make your depression go away, but it can help a little bit. Go for a quick stroll w/your daughter. Lay out your clothes (& your daughter's) including shoes the night before for your walk. Pack your diaper bag & put it in your stroller. Then the next morning, you have everything ready for your walk! Getting out of the house helps! It also is good for your daughter. If she is in a better mood, so are you!

You are AWESOME for asking for help. That shows you CARE! I am praying for you and hope you the best. Again, asking for help is not giving in. It is being a parent.

Please, please, please get the help you need and DESERVE. You deserve it, your daughter deserves it. You both are WORTH it!

Lovingly,
J.

Hi I wanted to say that I completely and totally understand!!!
I had my son when I just turned 20 and it is hard ....Its still hard (hubby is not very helpful but anyways)
I have found that having a destructive outlet helps
I bought a punching bag and hung it up outside the back door and every time my son or husband gets me to were I want to scream or hit I go out the back do and wail on that bag.
You can normally find them cheap at places like ebay.
Do still yell sometimes ( Not at the top my lungs but kind of under my breath, still not good but I am also working on it.) I also started to extreme sports and Tae Kwon Do to give me a adrenalin rush and it gives me another way to take out my frustration. I hope this helps, I feel for you! Also to help get your son to eat get the cookbook called deceptively delicious…its by Jessica Seinfeld I kind of had to take to using it on both my husband and son neither one would ever eat anything I would stick in front of them so I resorted to this.

K....you are fighting a battle that you are NOT going to win. You can't force your little one to eat if he doesnt want to....and you might end up making food an issue for the rest of his life.
I would start trying to cut down on the bottles...I think that 5 bottles for a child his age is too big a percentage of his calories coming from a bottle. Start introducing sippy cups...or straws...whatever intrigues him.
At meal time...offer him the food...if he doesnt eat it..he doesnt eat it. If he starts acting like he is hungry before the next meal just put some finger foods out for him and let him eat what he wants.
And I agree with what one of the other Mamas said....BEFORE you sit down to eat...remind yourself that there may be issues come up and tell yourself that you are going to remain calm...keep a smile on your face and handle it in a positive way!! ( I know I know, easier said than done!!!) But you are teaching your children by example...you don't want them to grow up with anger issues, so start controlling your anger now and when it gets to be too much...put him in a stroller and go for a brisk walk around the block or take him to the park to swing...something to get rid of your anger in a positive way!!! Hang in there..you can do it!!
R. Ann

Hello K.,
Hang in there Mama. I have a couple of suggestions. The first is address your stess. I tried Prozac years ago and it made me worse. If you are feeling that much stress and irritation then it means the Prozac is not the right solution. I am not a doctor but I would reccomend trying Wellbutrin paired with Celexa. This combination keeps me feeling peaceful and serene. It doesn't make you sleepy or anything it just evens everything out.
The other thing is that I think your little one wants to feed himself. Mine did the same thing. Try finger foods and also some kid spoons and dippers. Show him how to use the dippers in yogurt and he will catch on very quickly. He can also dip celery in peanut butter or apple slices and carrots in ranch dressing. He will be messy but much happier. Just keep a big box of wet wipes in the kitchen and try to let go a little. You are going to be fine, but take action right away and see your doctor to change your meds before you lose control.
Peace~

I have a 19-month-old with many of the same issues (plus I'm on Pristiq to help deal with depression/anxiety/losing control). We struggled with his refusal to eat, causing much tension in our house. The wasted time, food and money, plus a gigantic mess as he throws food, coupled with worry that he wasn't getting any nutrients was really getting to us. I know they say kids will eat, but it seemed he never did!

Yesterday we had an appointment with a nutritionist at Children's Mercy Hospital. She reviewed his food choices and schedule and made some modifications to help him be hungry and interested in food. One of the big ones is cutting back his milk. I agree with the poster that says 5 bottles a day is too much (unless they are small bottles). Today is the first morning we are not offering a wake-up drink. He has to be served breakfast first, then only 4 oz. of milk/soymilk, while still seated. No more strolling around with milk. Once he is out of his seat, only water is offered. She mentioned it's a lot easier to drink than eat (plus they get back to play faster) so of course he'd rather have things in a sippy cup all day.

The rest of his day allows just 12 more oz. of milk/soymilk, always offered in 4 oz. cups in the high chair after a snack or meal. I really hope this works! But she did say it would take a few weeks for him to get used to it and over the ease of drinking so much.

Also, all of his meals and snacks must be in the high chair. This sets the expectation that food is now and doesn't let him slowly top off all day with something. Once a meal is over, nothing else until the next meal/snack time.

As I write this, he is feeding his waffle, peach and apple to the dog. So much for eating breakfast! But in time, maybe some will make it into his mouth, too.

I encourage you to take advantage of the services at CMH (if you are in the KC area). Although we presented our insurance card and there is a co-pay, we weren't charged anything yet (but a bill could still come!). Our Parents as Teachers person was a help with more information as well.

I admire your desire to do the best for your kids and commitment to being a good mom to them even when times are tough. I hope you get some chances to relax and regroup. It's hard, I know. Mommy meltdowns used to happen frequently at my house! One thing that has really helped me is the advice from another mom: It's all just a phase. No matter what they are doing, it's a phase and it will pass! After all, that way they can annoy us with something else!

K.. They have mood stablizers out that could go along with your prozac that your doctor could give you. They could help you tremendously. Ask your doctor about them. You will be able to help your child better by having more patience once you help yourself first! I wish you much luck!

My first suggestion would be to get your son off the bottle. Give him only a sippie cup 1x a day (replacing one bottle of milk). Slowly increase the sippie cups and decrease the bottles.

Second, I would offer him food when it's meal time / snack time but if he's not eating, there is not much you can do about it. Maybe he's full (are you giving him a bottle first?) If so, don't offer it until after you've offered food. But then again, he may be teething, so eating may be painful.

As far as yelling, we all do it. Even though we shouldn't (I mean they are kids/babies and aren't doing this to make us mad, right?)....but it's normal. I know you said taking a breather/time out isn't awlays possibile, but it is. Go to the bathroom for 1 minute. Breath deep and remember how much you love him!!

You are doing fine!! Keep up the good work.

Good Morning K., I am a Mama and Gr mama ( Nana of 5 ) I lose my temper at times and have been known to raise my voice a tad, but never yell at a child. Our youngest gr son Zane is 22 months today and he is very picky eater, he wants to feed him self, always has wanted to do that. You can't use a spoon with him he will knock it away. Only thing I can get this child to eat is cheerios, Kix, Cheetos's, once in a while a banana slice.
Put some finger foods on your little ones highchair tray, then sit him in it. Or have several bowls of finger foods set around for him to have access too. If he is growing ok according to his Ped or Dr. he will come around to eating again.

Now I know you said no criticism, it's a little hard to pick and choose what people say hon. If you know you do this, you can Stop also. If you feel your self getting stressed walk away!!!!!Hold your breath Don't say ONE word!!!!!! He's not going anywhere for a few minutes. You need to find some peace in your home, play some soothing calming music.
Put up Signs to remind yourself I will not YELL FOR ANY REASON!
My Mom ( God rest her soul) yelled, screamed,put down, was verbally abusive. I Made it a Point in MY Own life Never to behave or act like she did. I have kept that promise to myself and my kids and gr children. I have yelled at one Daughter in law when she gets verbally abusive. I shouldn't let her get to me but she figured out my buttons. Grrrrrrrrr

Anger is not Manageable IT is "CONTROLABLE"!!
You can't manage your anger issues K., You Have to Control them. Or they CONTROL you. DEEP Breathe K., post some reminder signs around the house, love your son, hold him, read to him, sing songs to him, play with him as much as you can. Change your thinking. You can do this K., all it takes is a change of attitude and hard work on your part.

I could of gotten angry when Corbin dumped baby powder from his head to his toes right before leaving for Dr. app. I could of been angry when he finger painted with Pepto bismol on the foot stool and carpet, I could of been angry when he dumped a full box of cornmeal in a skillet with oil in it. I could of been angry when the oldest two grand kids decided to color on my hallway walls. I didn't I signed it created by my Rembrandts. That wall is now Nana's Angels Art Wall.
You have to decide K. not to get angry to the point of yelling at your child! He is a CHILD you are the adult. You can change your behavior, He can't yet! BUT Let me tell you he is learning by what you do! So keep yelling and screaming at him and he will go up to do the Same.
I had to remind my gr daughter the other day that when she pouts, cry's, stomps off, slams doors, she is acting just like some one else when they get angry and don't get their way. That is all it took.

Praying for you K., always
K. Nana of 5

My little guy just turned one and has the same problem every once in a while. I have found that he is wanting to be more independent. Usually if I let him 'help' me put the spoon in his mouth, he will eat. Sometimes we will eat the entire meal this way and other times just 'helping' me once was enough. I have also found that sometimes he won't want to eat if he knows it is not what we are eating. Another thing I have found is that there are times when he wants to do all the feeding himself. When he is in this kind of mood I have to find at least part of the food that he can feed himself. (i.e. green beans, peas) This can sometimes include cleaning up a big mess, but I would rather do that than fight him the entire dinner. You might try letting him be a bit more independent. Hope this helps.
I am sorry that I can not offer any real help on the stress level. I know that fresh air can do wonders for a mood. Maybe you could take your son with you on a walk or to the park. (I know, what you really want to do is get away for a bit, but the fresh air will be good for both of you.) The only other suggestion I would have would be if mom could watch him for a bit. Maybe if you had a scheduled night where you could go out for a bit and relax.
I hope this was at least a bit helpful and/or offered some food for thought.

Have you talked to your pediatrician? He might have a problem with acid reflux.

If that's not it, I had a friend whose kiddo wouldn't eat anything but milk until he was 2. She tried not to worry since he was getting the nutrition he needed from the milk. She would try not to pressure him, but in front of him she would start making a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for herself & start eating it, then he would want a bite of her food & eventually he would just take the sandwich for himself.

As for losing your temper, I had a problem losing my temper when my guy started throwing his food--I would just snap & start yelling. I found it helped me if I thought about it before-hand. Before meal-time I would think, "How am I going to react when he throws his food, b/c I know he will." That helped me be prepared when it happened. I know it's not easy & it's really stressful, good luck, you can do it! (Also, are you getting enough sleep--I always lose my temper easier when I don't get enough sleep.)

K.,

I'm sorry to hear that you are so stressed! It's hard being a single mom...I know all too well.

First: Your child will NOT starve to death. So breathe...if he doesn't eat this time, he'll eat next time.

Second: Schedule. Make sure he is in his highchair at meal and snack time.

Third: Be there...but not for his gratification. Don't try to control the whole situation. Don't coax him to eat or get mad if he doesn't. Let him pick. Put a variety of foods in front of him...finger foods, applesauce in a bowl with a spoon (let him try to use it), veggies, things you know he likes...and even things you think he won't (he might surprise you!). Even if he tosses it all on the floor and flips out, just let it go. He is looking for your reaction. Don't give it to him. Pull up a chair at the table and model proper eating behavior right in front of him. When he throws a fit or refuses to eat, don't react...just keep eating. Let him sit in the chair until you are finished. Comments about how tasty the food is or general conversation about baby stuff will completely throw him off his game.

Finally: Start the transition from bottle to a cup. It sounds like he is getting all he needs from his bottle...so he really has no motivation to eat anything else. Even though this might not be enough nutrients, he is full of milk (drink a glass of milk 5 times a day and see if you are hungry!). Other than maybe a nap bottle and before bedtime bottle, I'd put all other drinks in a cup. Put that on his tray during his meal and snack times only. Water only during non-meal times. If you are giving him juice or milk whenever he asks for it, and then expecting him to eat at mealtime you are setting him up not to be hungry.

I know it's so hard to keep your cool when he is not behaving as you like...but remember: Yelling will not get the results you want. Consider what you are teaching him about handing conflict and stress each time you yell at him. Is this how you want him to treat you when he is bigger? Or his peers? Or...one day...his own children?

Try to think of innovative ways to deal with this situation by getting to the bottom of his behavior. What is causing it? What is the psychology behind it? Is he getting a payoff (your attention? foods or treats that he would not normally get, but gets because he refuses to eat what you give him?)? Consider these things. Sit down with your mom or a friend and brainstorm it out if you have to. Make a list of causes and how you can fix the problem.

Everything our kids do is the effect of something they have been exposed to. If he's throwing a fit...well, mom...it sounds like he's had a role model teaching him to do that... :o)

Find the cause, change it...and you will stop the effects.

You seem like a smart, well-spoken young lady. I'm certain you can handle this.

Good luck. All the Mamas are here for you if you need more support.

~C

K.....you are right....you mentioned every thing that would normally be suggested to help your situation, EXCEPT ONE! Have you asked God for His help??? You have a serious situation. But He has a plan for your life. He allowed you to have these children. He wants YOU to be their mother. And He can give you the strength to cope appropriately. You must believe that He can do it....and He can!!!!!!!!!!! I am praying right now that you will turn your eyes and ears to Him and ask for help. You need a network of people praying for you. If you do not have a church home, may I suggest Morning Star Church on Feise Road? We have a great web site for you to look at: mscwired.org On that site look for an organization called MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) It starts September 4. It meets on Friday mornings twice a month. Wonderful for young moms. They discuss LOTS of stuff that is helpful to you moms! I am a care giver for the 3-5 year olds there and can vouch for the excellence of the organization!

You need help and support. Why don't you and your mom come to church some time???

My name is S. Goebel. I will be out of town the next two weekends, but I would love to meet you!

praying for you,
S. goebel
lake st louis

you aren't telling us what you do feed him. obviously he likes fruit. Is it just that he likes to feed himself?? Maybe you just need to find some finger foods that he can eat.

Hi K.,
It sounds like you have already received alot of anger management tips, which is great--good for you for trying to do better!

I'm not sure if any of this will help, but here are a few things that worked for me;
-If he will eat fruit, start with that. Maybe he will dip some fruit chunks into wheat germ, peanut butter (or soy nut butter if he can't eat peanuts), or yogurt. My kids LOVE apples slices dipped in peanut butter and then cheerios.
-Roll a banana in wheat germ, coconut flakes, cereal, or whatever you can think of, then freeze it. You can put it on popsicle sticks first, or slice it up before you freeze it for him to gnaw on.
-Maybe he would like his own "special" plate and/or utensils if he doesn't have them already?
-Is he teething? Maybe some infant Motrin or Tylenol would help with him getting so upset. If his gums are sore, that could surely affect his eating habits.
-If you think he is teething, a frozen bagel can be just the thing for him to chew on.
-Ask your pediatrician about a vitamin supplement or maybe Pediasure for him if you are really worried about his nutritional intake.
-Remember, he will be okay if you keep offering nutritious fare. Also, children's appetites often taper off after turning 1 year, as their growth slows a little. Be prepared for MANY more phases that will likely drive you crazy!

Good luck!

Why fight with your little boy over food??? Babies start eating solids at different times, when they're ready. At only 13 months, I wouldn't worry too much if he's still getting most of his nourishment from the bottle, although just cow's milk probably isn't sufficient. I'd keep giving him formula too.
He won't starve himself, trust me. If he's teething, it may be uncomfortable to eat solid food unless it's really soft. I'd try something like oatmeal or other cooked cereal and dress it up to be really tasty & not so bland...add some applesauce & a little cinnamon & sugar, or mashed banana. Applesauce is also a good starter food. Also try some easy to eat finger foods and let him work at feeding himself and don't worry if it's messy. Messes can be cleaned up.
Relax and don't force it--he'll eat when he's ready. Offer food, but if he rejects it, quit trying to push it before he starts hollering. "Don't want to eat now? OK, we'll try again later," and take him out of the high chair. Don't get into a screaming match with him.

How to stop yelling? Well, when you feel like yelling, stop for just a sec and think how you'd feel (or how you felt) if someone yelled at you constantly. No one likes that and surely you don't like being that way. Step back and distract yourself. If he's in a high chair in the kitchen, instead of yelling, turn around and do the dishes or wipe the counter or whatever needs doing (and there's always something, if your kitchen is anything like mine <G>.) You're still right there, but your attention isn't focused on pushing him into eating. Let him just hang out there with you with some bites of banana or some of those little puffed toddler nibbles on the high chair tray. Let him experiment with food instead of trying to cram it into him.
Try talking to him, even if you don't think he understands what you're saying (you'd be surprised how much they understand, way before they can talk.) Tell him Mamma wants him to eat some yummy food so he can grow big and strong. Tell him Mamma worries when he doesn't eat. Tell him you love him and that he's a good boy. Tell him food is yummy and fun. Show him that you'll eat some of the food and demonstrate by eating a bite or two and saying "MMMmmmm, this is yummy good! Wants some??"

Grandma D.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Every mom feels just like you are feeling right now only most will never be honest enough to admit it. I have a 11 month old son who eats very little other than his bottles. I have been worried because in a month I am supposed to switch to milk and only 2 to 3 bottles per day. I have been talking to my sister in law and she recommended that I switch to a step 2 formula until he is ready to get more calories from eating foods. Not all babies are ready to eat at the same pace. This is what I have decided to do. As far as the yelling...I try to start singing whenever I am feeling stressed I picked this old man I sing it all the way to 10 as loud as I want it really does help...try it people may think you are nuts but your little guy just might love it mine does. Even if my hints dont help just know you are not alone!!! S.

not trying to preach to you. but do you go to church anywhere?? believe or not God can help you. not sure where you live but we have a place in our area called bridgeway that will help you too. please sweetheart get some help. it is great that you see you need help. I am going to say a prayer for you. if you don't have a church find one. you can talk to God just like you are talking to a friend. just ask for help and try to keep your cool. I would love to have you come to our church if you live in our area. so if you'll post where you live. I will tell you where it is. and if you would visit. you can sit with me! does he snack alot??? if he eating table food give him several pieces of meat and fruit and let him do it. maybe he want to feed himself. hang in there!! Good luck. pulling for you

Hi K.,

It is not easy being a mom at all, it is a hard and beautiful journey at once. You are really overwhelmed, so you have to take baby steps for yourself and raise your little one. Probably he is not eating because he is also stressed out because of the problems you already have mentioned. We, moms, transfer our feelings and moods to our babies, or toddlers, or even older children; it is not very good but it is a reality. About feeding your baby, just start with a little bit of whatever you will feed him, do not try to give him big quantities of milk or meals (age appropriate), JUST TINY bites or amounts. Do it OFTEN at REGULAR times, and if he rejects it, just leave him in a play pen or crib (safe place)and step aside, and do something else, just leave and go to another room and wait until you feel better. Try this little step every day, the same thing everyday ...Just try it like a daily exercise, YOU to have start at some point. One thing I am sure...your child won't starve, as soon as you learn to calm down yourself, your child will start eating. If you see that definitively you cannot do it by yourself, you have to find help (doctor, close friend, nice relative.....)I don't know if you have more children, if not try to sleep whenever your child is asleep, good rest is VERY IMPORTANT for moms to raise kids.
It is hard K., I do know. Just know that you can do it.
I hope this helps a little bit....
Take care

Alejandra

First of all, I believe your issue is not at all unusual. Children his age get very independent. I would place food in front of the baby, don't freak out, just put it there. I do believe the child will eat when hungry.
Have you talked with your pediatrician? Perhaps a phone call to him/her and talk to a nurse. They may want to check your child. I really believe this is a stage, but of course you are concerned.
Yelling at your baby is not going to help. I've found that kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They figure out early how to push our buttons. Never underestimate them, and remember, they will be teenagers before you know it!
Don't beat yourself up about your older child, you were young when you had her, but at least you're still in her life!
Good luck!

Sounds like you're in a power struggle with the food. It does not help to try to make him eat. Just offer a good variety of healthy, whole foods, and let him take what he wants. My MD stressed over and over, "There is NO medical precedent for an otherwise healthy child starving in the presence of healthy food." He WILL eat what he needs. I don't think withholding anything will help at this time. I'd even give him all the milk he wants (though I personally don't use dairy, we use soy milk), and offer other foods frequently. It just doesn't matter. There is nothing to get angry about.

I'd agree with a previous poster that meds alone, without therapy, are probably not enough for you. Not because of you or anything you've said, just because I don't think anyone's problem is likely to be ONLY neurochemical. Pretty much everyone could benefit a lot more than they think from some counseling or therapy. You're asking for help right now, why not get some from a professional?

I found a book at the library called Scream-Free Parenting. It helped me a lot. Don't expect an easy method that is guaranteed to give you control over your children's behavior, but it can give you a lot of perspective on yelling at children and other parenting issues. They also have a website and blog, if you google it it'll probably come up.

Wishing you best of luck and success in your challenges!

Wow! It sounds like you are overwhelmed. It also sounds like you are young and have been through quite a lot!
First, it sounds like you need some help. Get a teenager to take your son for a walk occasionally or play with him so you can have a break.
When it comes to eating, you need to break the bottle habit. He should drink from a cup at his age. Also, five bottles is far too much milk for his age. Offer him milk in a cup at meals only (and after he has nibbled on some small bite size foods). His appetite should increase and your battles should decrease!
Children will eat when they are hungry. Do not make it a battle. If he is hungry, let him eat. If he is not, then wait until the next meal. Do not offer him a bottle or big snacks in between. This way he will be hungry for the next meal.
Hang in there. We moms all have our struggles and are not perfect! If the anger still continues, see your doctor about switching meds. There are a lot of alternatives to just prozac. Your body may simply need a change in meds. Been there, done that!
My heart goes out to you. I'll pray for you and your little boy. Take one day at a time and make the best decisions you can. You can do it!

Wow girl!!!! You need to chill out big time or you're going to have a HUGE mess on your hands when your kids are teenagers(probably sooner!!)! You are the one in control here, so stop yelling all the time. You have the power to, you just have make yourself not do it. My mom used to yell all the time and it really sucked for us kids to hear constant yelling. I don't yell as a result of hearing it all the time. As for your son not eating, my son went through the same thing. I swear for a year all he ate was his milk in the bottle. He grew just fine and got his nutrients from the milk. I think every child goes through this, so just calm down & stop flipping out. Change your reactions to what your children do and you'll be much less stressed and it will be a whole lot easier on you if you just mellowed out a bit(actually, alot!). You are probably suffering from depression and anxiety because of your life style and actions, so the first thing to change, is how you're living your life and how you react to your problems that are self created. Good luck! Back to the yelling thing...your kids are really going to disrespect you if they don't already. Ask yourself this...who would you listen to more, someone who yelled at you to clean up your mess, or someone who told you to do it in a decent calm but firm tone? Kids know what they can do to get a rise out of their parents and you are letting them win by yelling everytime they mess up. Think about their eardrums here too.

P.S. Don't listen to the women that say at 13 months he should be off the bottle. Kids will get off the bottle when they are ready. It is a comfort for them, especially in this type of environment you don't want to take your sons security blanket(the bottle)away from him. He will stop when he's ready. Our son took his bottle until he was two and one day "magically" stopped his bottle and went right to a regular cup. He hates sippy cups and prefers normal cups. I'm not sure why people think every child when they turn 1 should stop being on the bottle. Keep him on the bottle until he gives it up on his own, I promise he won't be taking it to kindergaten w/ him!

I'm going to tell ya don't feel bad very few parents have never yelled at a kid before! I still do and don't realize it till after the fact. although sometimes if i didn't yell at her she wouldn't stop doing whatever it is she is doing. I.E. standing on things or hitting the cat.

Try taking a moment and just walk away to another room for a few minutes. This has helped me a lot. no parent is perfect boy do i know that. He doesn't want to eat let him cry for a few minutes then try offering him food again. he eventually will eat when you give it to him. but you might take him to the doctor to rule out any food allergies. it could be something your giving him is either giving him gas or upsetting him tummy. I know my daughter gets an upset stomach if she eats to much raw bannanas.

another suggestion I have is try changing the times you feed him. It could be he is to tired to eat. parenting is fustrating and learning to deal with our own emotions is hard enough along with dealing with a baby who can't exactly tell you what is wrong. just try to stay as calm and relaxed as possible during feeding time. as soon as he starts to cry try giving him a toy or a spoon to hold. could be his mouth hurts. as soon as you start feeling fustrated try putting him in a playpen or on the floor to play and take a moment by yourself to get calmed down.

life is hard when you have kids wether your a single parent or not. sometimes having a partner doesn't mean you have the extra help.

Hang in there sweetheart, it's sometimes a power thing with kids to not eat. All doctors always say the kid won't starve, they'll eat when they're hungry. I heard all the same advice and it's sometimes more harmful to a mother's sanity than helpful but unfortunatly it is true. He is responding to your anger with anger. I'm not criticizing by any means because I did the same things. My mom gave me some advice that helped. She said the more I focused on what/how much he ate (I have an almost 3 yr. old now) the more of a food "issue" I'll have later. In other words, don't stress. By the end of the week they've usually eaten enough to even out. My dr. always asks about weekly meals, not focusing on day to day, meal to meal. I know it's frustating as all hell, and I know it's hard to keep your temper, I have the same problems. On meds too. I just one day decided, you know what, I'm not going to worry about it. Put it there, if he eats, he eats. I promise he won't starve. You really do need to chill and he will chill with you. If you emphasize the food, it makes him think it's something he can manipulate you with. He's young yet, but I believe they start early with food issues. Some kids just don't get anything out of eating and it's ok. You will get through this, let him alone and let him choose what he wants to eat. This way, it lowers your stress and gives him a little control. I would never criticize you honey, but I'd like to see you chill, not just for him, but for you. You can't maintain an anger all the time and be healthy. You'll make yourself sick and like you said you don't want to lose your baby. Don't worry over some food. You have a healthy, lovely, wonderful blessing that doesn't like to eat. Count those blessings. I had to and it took time, wasn't easy and wasn't/isn't still always sunshine/roses and pretty. Still get mad, still yell. Sorry this is so long, but I'm just trying to impart on you the little I know. Maybe he's still getting too much milk to be hungry for solids. Maybe cut out 1-2 more bottles and see if that helps. It's so not fair and so not easy, but in the long run, like me, 3 yrs later, I don't even remember the frustrating times of the age of your little guy. It goes fast, don't waste your precious energy on food issues. Again, not a criticism, just an observation. Keep the faith sweetie and don't judge yourself too harshly, been there done that and you know, I'm a good mom, tell yourself that. Repeat it to yourself when you feel like yelling. They are wonderful gifts that are also frustrating. Remember that,my mom says "you always LOVE your child, but you don't/can't always LIKE them" loving and liking aren't the same. Love never goes away, but the liking/disliking is so temporary. Long and short of it is, take care of you and him. Your his best friend and he doesn't want you mad, but he'll get mad too cause boy are they monkey see, monkey do. He'll mirror your moods and if they are good around food, maybe his will change for the better too. Good luck sweetie...

First of all I'd stop the bottles. You said that he was getting 5 bottles per day at 13 months, I didn't give my girls that many at 9 months and had them off of them at 11 months (they were easy - both just were too busy for bottles and pretty much broke themselves). I'm will to bet that once you stop the bottles his appitite will improve. My sister has to watch her almost 6 year old to this day because the child will drink a lot and then not eat. So cut out the bottles. Then offer him food 5 times per day (3 meals and 2 snacks). If he dosen't eat then fine, nothing until the next meal/snack. We've done this with both out kids. My younger one just dosen't like to eat and often goes to bed with little or no dinner because she just does not want to eat. You are not going to starve him, he'll have something in the next couple of hours. And after a while if you stick to a set routine he'll fall in line (but don't expect to happen over night). Just keep offering him food 5 times per day. And keep in mind that little kids don't need much to run on. So if he's only eating a few bites, that may be all that he needs right then. He will not let himself starve.

And on the yelling (I'm a yeller to so I know how you feel). You are going to have to find a way to calm down. You didn't say how you little guy slept, but I'd make sure that you have him on a good sleep routine also - this will give you a break in the afternoon (nap) and with a set bed time it will give you a couple of hours in the evening. That helped me a lot to know that I was going to have an hour in the afternoon of quite. Find you a good parenting class. My husband and I are doing one at our Church the series is called Parenting on Purpose by Bob Barnes. The guy is great. Try finding some books from him, read them and see if you can't get some ideas to help you.

The main thing is to not get upset over the little things. If you are making meal times stressful by yelling at the little guy he's not going to want to eat. Do you want to sit down to a meal where your stressed out or scared? Neither does he. Offer him the food, if he dosen't want it let him get down. Wait until the next scheduled eating time and offer him food again. Don't get mad because he won't eat, just let him go about his business. Goo luck!

I would start giving him a cup rather then a bottle. Maybe just give him a bottle in the morning and before bed. If he does not drink as much milk, maybe he would eat more. He may be giving you problems when he eats because he is getting a reaction out of you when he does not eat. I would really try hard to not react when he does not eat. He will eat if he is hungry. He can feel your stress and frustration. He is a baby, need to try and be more patient. He will come around. Since he is not eating food right now I would make sure he is taking some sort of vitamins!! I would also try giving him different foods. He might just not like what you are giving him.

This doesn't really sound to me like it's about food, it seems to be a power struggle and the baby is winning. I am not sure what you are feeding the baby, if there are scheduled feeding times but if I were you I would only feed him when he is ready even if he waits until he is starving- as much as we would like, we can't force things, especially feeding. In between the times he will actually eat, just leave healthy snacks out-maybe he will pick at them throughout the day and it won't seem forced. Fruit, canned beans (drained), plain cooked pasta are good things you can let sit for while. You could try giving his favorite food just before the time you think he is ready to eat. Also, not judging, you might want to get rid of the bottle and use a sippy cup, that may help him feel more in control. His reaction is a result of yours, walk away and yell into a pillow if needed, then come back. Good Luck!

Are you still giving him baby food? By about 9 months all three of mine started refusing baby food and would only eat the things that they saw on my plate as well. And we always put our kids at the table with us, we don't try to feed the baby seperately, even when she was tiny and just starting solids she ate with us. Also, try experimenting a little more, you may find something he really loves. My youngest can't get enough sauted zucchini! When she doesn't want to eat anything else, we know she can't refuse that. And talk to your child's Dr. they are usually full of suggestions that will really help.
Remember, you said that he does eat when he is REALLY hungry. I know it's not ideal, and trust me I get really stressed with all that crying too, but you know he isn't going to starve. Between the bottles and what he will eat when he gets hungry enough, he is getting nutrition. Work on keeping yourself calm, when we stress so do they and that is just making your situation harder to deal with!
I hope you find relief soon!

I really wouldn't worry about your baby eating...he really will eat what he needs if it is available. I really think the thing you need to worry about is you...you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of him. I have been there, too. It is really tough. Can you talk to your doctor about this? You may need to adjust the medicine you are on or switch to a different one. I tried several before I found the right one. Also, if your environment is adding additional stress, is there a way to move? Also, anytime you need to rant, this is a great place to do it, or just type it in a word document. Sometimes it helps just to get it out and onto paper. Hang in there, just keep trying!

I know it is hard as a parent to watch your child not eat, but sometimes you have to. They really and truly will eat when they are hungry. Offer good foods and easy finger foods along with milk and let him choose. If he chooses not to eat, don't stress. Just take it away and move on and try again later. You can only offer healthy choices, you can't make him eat.

My daughter loved (and still does) those Gerver pasta bowls, they are very bland, mushy and quick to serve. She ate those things up! Also vienna sausages and cheese are usually good back ups. My daughter can be very picky and some days I feel like she only survives because of milk, but you truly have to let it go and start going with the flow. Even if your child doesn't eat, you and he will be much less stressed and I promise he won't starve himself. He might even start to eat more when there is a calmer environement. Good luck!

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

http://www.rosemond.com/

Both these resources have been good sources of information on how to deal with different child rearing issues.

Usually kids will eat when they are hungry. I would not make an issue out of the eating. My youngest is a bird like eater, who needed smaller and more frequent meals vs my oldest how has always eaten like a horse. Kids will set their own pace as far as food goes.

What we've also done since they were little is served them a tablespoon of every item we are having for the meal. Once they finish that they can have seconds of whatever they want. If they don't finish or say they don't want to eat it we just say 'Okay' and move on. If they are in the habit not eating and then being 'hungry' later we plastic wrap the plate for them to finish as a 'snack' later.

Also a good mom's group at a church or even talking to a counselor may help with venting frustration. Sometimes are thoughts and what we believe should be happening is what makes us angry. Check out http://www.thework.com/index.asp. She has some great resources for working through anger.

are you doing anything just for you? things that you enjoy? anything to destress you....do you like any particular form of exercise? had i not found tae kwon do ( and a bunch of wonderful people i met there) i don't know where i would be. it really has helped to have a place to diffuse. i understand how easy it is to lose your cool, but it is so important to try to keep it under control. i know you said breathing doesn't help, but don't give up on it. if you need to remove yourself from the situation, do that. before you start to yell, clean you child up and place them somewhere they can't hurt themselves and go gather you cool back - then start over again. have you taken the child to the doctor? what do they say about the eating habits?

i know it can all be overwhelming - i hope you find something that helps!

S.

I didn't read all the responses but the ones I glanced at only mentioned your anger issue. I'd like to make a suggestion about getting your son to eat. First off at 13 months old he shouldn't be drinking milk from a bottle, he should be drinking out of a sippy cup. And 5 bottles a day at his age is more than he needs. He's filling up on milk basically. Give him a sippy cup of milk with each meal. Then through out the day give him water to drink if he's thirsty. He should be drinking whole milk or D fortified right now. I'm not talking about the really big sippy cups either, the 12 oz sippy cups is what he needs to be drinking milk out of. Try offering juice at one meal also. Have him eat breakfast with milk and then a snack mid morning with water, lunch with juice, mid-day snack with water and dinner with milk. That will be plenty of milk for a day. Then before bed let him drink some water, not milk because the milk with pull and stay on his teeth and the acid can effect his little toothies. I do hope this helps you out some. Good luck with your little ones and God Bless you...you can do it, just take a deep breath every now and then and remind yourself that you love you kids and yourself. Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

Looks like everyone has food covered. The yelling. How often do you interact with him as much as you do with meals? This may sound crazy but kids will take negative interaction over no interaction at all. I work full time and go to school full time. When I am working on a project my two little ones start feeling ignored so they act up. I start yelling, they start yelling back.....I finally figured out that when they start acting up it is time for me to just put down the homework and do something with them, anything really. Heck they are happy if I just sit down and watch TV with them. My point is maybe if you do other things with him and then eat maybe it won't be such an issue. Maybe not, every kid is different.

Being a parent is hard...asking for help is even harder. My first thought is your son is 13 months old and still using a bottle. Perhaps switching to a sippy cup and then limiting milk consumption unless he is having a meal would help. He could have water or juice in between but juice can add up to extra calories too...
Try giving him a couple of healthy food choices when it is time to eat...maybe if he has a choice of foods, he'll be more apt to eat. Good luck...

Hon, I feel for you! I have been there and I know how rough it can be. My question for you is how are you sleeping? I only ask bc I had so much stress from the past year (I had separated from my husband, moved out w my 2 kids into an apt, then had gallbladder surgery, then reconciled w my husband and moved from springfield, mo to wichita, ks with no family or friends around) that I began yelling at my kids all the time. It became a very big problem.
One day i realized how tired I felt evey morning, and decided to get checked at a sleep center. They found I was waking up repeatedly at night bc of restless legs and they put me on requip. I can't tell you how much of a difference that has made!! I wake up feeling refreshed, a new feeling for me lol. And i am in control of my temper 98% of the time. There is still a small percentage where I lose it but its rare. I can see a major difference in how my children act...and how they seem to feel, especially towards me. I thought maybe my story could help you. If momma ain't sleeping& happy then nobodys happy. Know that you're not alone but that yelling at your infant son so much can cause serious issues later on. I applaud you for trying to tame your temper. Best Wishes and Good Luck!

Take a lot at what your feeding him. He likes fruit. Fruit is usally soft, smooth and sometimes cold. Maybe he likes soft or smooth things. I have a challenge child and it was heard for him to chew at one so he like sofft smooth thing. Just a thought.

Hi K.. You've gotten alot of great advice, so I'm not gonna add much. I've got a 13 month old and she eats alot less when she's teething and sore. Giving her cold, soft food helps with that--like fruit, but also avocado she likes, torn-up cheese sticks, pasta pick-ups, canned peas and green beans. She eats the canned stuff at room temperature and doesn't mind.

Maybe more types of food will help, but I'm sure figuring out a way not to force it will help too. My daughter looks me right in the eyes and laughs when I yell--"No--we do not throw food," and does it again as long as I react. It is infuriating, for sure.

Best of luck--it's most likely a phase and will be gone before long. Leave him strapped in the high-chair (or in a play crib or something) and walk away if you need to. We've all experienced at least some of what you're talking about here, and feel your frustration!

K.,
if he doesn't eat, don't worry. Forcing him will only cause eating issues/disorders later. Have you checked to see if he is teething or maybe has a sore in his mouth? This could be a simple fix if this is the case. He will eat when he is ready. This is also just a suggestion, but I think 5 bottles is too much and maybe he is full. Granted I don't know how much you are giving him per bottle, but it is just a thought. He may also have gas or acid reflux which may also make him hesitant to eat right now. Don't worry, give it a few days with just a bite or two and if he isn't interested just skip the meal and wait til he let's you know he is hungry. Vary what you are trying and if still no luck, give it a couple of days before worrying and call the doctor at that time.

Hello K., I just want to say to you bless your heart. You hang in there, don't give up, and don't feel that you are all alone. I believe you really want to make this work between you and your little guy. Do you feel guilty about what happened with your daughter and so you are trying desperately to make it up with this little fellow?? Does your mom not have faith in you with your son and trying to tell you how to do it??? Step back, take some deep breaths and try to relax. PRAY for guidance. YOU CAN DO THIS. Now, a child will not starve themselves...if he's not hungry, don't force it, because he will associate it with a negative emotion. And don't assume he has to eat an entire meal, little ones may only take a few bites and then they're done!! Don't make a big deal out of it at all, he'll come around eventually. You may want to check with the pediatrician to check his weight and for some other suggestions. But most of all, have faith in yourself, and in your love for your son. Realize that this too will pass, he won't be this age forever..you want to make lasting good memories and you want to ENJOY your moments with him. Also, have you checked to see if you may be bi-polar? I know it's a lot, I am praying for your patience, and refocus on what's REALLY important. Screaming and hollering doesn't cut it. But you can do this!!!

I will say a prayer for you. Children are really fickle about eating when they are young. I think he will eat when he is ready to eat. You can also have the baby checked by a doctor to make you feel better to make sure nothing is wrong! Stay Strong.....

This is a tough one and I won't criticize...we've all probably lost our temper a time or two and yelled at our kids. That being said it sounds like this may be an ongoing problem for you and I hope you're seeking some help and perhaps talking to someone about your stresses. My honest opinion from not knowing you and not living your situation is that your projecting some of your stress into this situation and your son is feeling it. Try taking some "you" time in the morning. Read a devotional, journal, take a walk. Find time before your kids wake up. I really think it will help. I'm reading two great books right now...Taking Care of the Me in Mommy by Lisa Whelchel and Love and Logic for Early Childhood. Both are extremely helpful and I would recommend them to any mom! Good luck. Whatever you do, try to relax.

K.,
the only advise I can give you, is you need to get help or you will lose your child. I know you have problems, everyone does to some degree, and im not judging you, but please get help.

My 14 month old granddaughter eats the same food we do, yes even with no molars she can eat almost anything, just small bites and watch for choking. I think the harder foods actually help the molars break through, she already has most of her teeth. Then sit him in his high chair and let him eat at the same time you do, I'd be willing to bet that the issues are more over control of what is put in his mouth rather than not being hungry. Don't give him free access to a bottle all day. I had a doctor once tell me that a baby has more sense about food than we do, they will eat when hungry and won't starve themselves if they are offered food.
As for your yelling issues, why don't you try singing a silly song when you feel like yelling at your son. It can be anything the ABC song is a great one as you are teaching him as you sing, the singing should let you blow off steam and if it's a really silly song maybe you will laugh at yourself! Good Luck with your issues and let us know what happens.

K. I think we've all pretty much been there with the anger management at some point...it's hard to control when we realize we are no longer in control...(can't tell you how many times I locked myself in the bathroom to "break" myself from yelling at my kids). Fact of the matter is YOU NEED A BREAK! I would also recommend getting someone to help you...maybe there is something you aren't seeing with your child because you are just too upset and frustrated to notice it.

My son used to eat every kind of baby food there was but when we went to real foods it really diminshed...it was YEARS later before I realized that he had fluid on his ears which was causing pressure and pain in his ears and jaws...chances are, he's probably just as frustrated as you are. If fruit is what he will eat, then by all means give him fruit. If milk is all he will drink then try putting some of the Pedisure into a bottle for him...at least he will be getting all the vitamins and minerals he needs because it's formulated like a meal supplement for EXACTLY these reasons.

You never mentioned why you hated the parenting classes? For me, it was free daycare while I depressurized and had a chance to get away from my kids (hubby was deployed and I couldn't afford a sitter)...it also gave me great coping techniques for various problems I was going through with my kids at the time...because face it...you ask for advice...you're going to get it...LOL. 1-2-3 Magic, Common Sense Parenting and Love and Logic won't really help much with the eating issue other than to tell you that they will eat when they get hungry. My suggestion is to get him into a pediatrician or even an ENT to see if there is something else going on. 5 pediatricians didn't diagnose my kid with fluid on the ears...a speech therapist suspected it and suggested I go to an ENT!

Also, I know times are tough money wise for everyone...if you can't afford a sitter try bartering...you'll run errands for someone or take their kid for an evening if they'll take yours...where there is a will there is a way. But sounds to me like you need a break from baby too. I wish you all the best and keep us posted on the outcome!

Hello- I also have 13month old who won't eat. He is still nursing and I am sublimenting with some formula. He will somtimes eat yogurt or if he is in just the right mood walk over and take a bite of my sandwich. It is not consitant. I thought he would be weaned by now! We set at the table as he throws everthing off of his tray. Some babies need longer to suck. Some babies used to nurse untill they were 4 years old. So bottles are probably not all wrong yet. We all get in a hurry to have them on the food totally. I though my little guy would be eating like a champ by now but he is not. So every child is so different and he is probably stressed about food because you are so stressed about food. Maybe you could contact a LaLeche league group they are not only there for breast feeding they can also help with the hardships of parenting and may have some good ideas for you. They are all over the country and have a national website to find them.