Tired of Judgmental People

I heard a story once; I hope I can remember how it goes...
In a time of famine, drought and tough times, people were packing up their families and fleeing to the big cities in search of a better life. Standing at the edge of the city was a wise, old man. As the cars would pass, many of them would stop to ask him about the city...what the people there were like. He would ask them, "What were the people like where you come from?"
If their answer was,"Oh, what a rotten bunch of ignorant fools they all were", the old man would nod sympathetically and tell them, "In the city, you will find the people to be much the same way" and he would wave sadly to them as they continued on. If however, their answer was, "Oh, the people where we come from were wonderful and giving and we will miss them so", the old man would nod and smile and tell them, "In the city, you will find the people to be much the same way" and he would wave happily to them as they continued on.

Why does it matter what others think? No offense, but we all have a sob story, it is what you do with it that matters.

I agree that it sounds like you have been through a lot. However, it is also judgemental on your part to refer to your neighbors as "ignorant locals"

They may not know you and not know what you have been through either because some form of communication with you was never there or maybe they were going through their own personal struggles.

We live a plane ticket away from all family and when you are in that situation, you make the best of it. After 20+ years, I would have it no other way. I have made some of the strongest friendships and best networking in my life just by being thrown into a situation where it is up to me smile and make nice and in turn end up with good friends. Oh yes, we have been through some very tough times as well but we keep on going... Never Give Up and our motto is Failure is Not and Option.

Just like your neighbors have not walked in your shoes to understand your struggles, nor have you walked in theirs to understand where they may be coming from.

Try to be a positive role model for your daughter, get involved with her school, friends, etc and you'll see that people who are positive and upbeat end up with more positive, upbeat people around them because it is a lot easier and happier to be around positive people who try to make things better.

Hang in there.

You do know that everyone goes through stuff. You aren't the only one who has things they've needed to overcome. Referring to someone as an ignorant local is quite demeaning on your part. Instead of wasting time on people you obviously don't like you may want to choose to surround yourself with more supportative people.

You've been through a lot in your family and shared a lot of your family's struggles with us, but I'm not sure what there is that you need to forgive your neighbors for. You say that they are judgemental, but if this is the topic of your question, you gave no information about their behavior. I don't know what your neighbors have done to you, so really, I can't give any advice, but good luck to you. In calling them "ignorant locals," it makes me think that they may not be the only ones passing judgement in this situation, and you may be right - they don't know what you've been through, especially if you have not shared with them! People aren't going to know what crises and struggles you've been through and make allowances for that unless you've given them that information!

If you don't tell someone your story - how are they supposed to know it?

You are an adult. You've made choices in your life. This meant moving away from your family. I'm sorry that your home did not sell so that you could move back to help family. I'm sorry that you feel people are judging you.

I haven't lived near my parents in 16 years. In that time - my father has had skin cancer, went into a diabetic coma, one of my grandmother's died, my mother has had skin cancer and surgeries to remove it (as had my father) and my other grandmother has had a heart attack and now a new pace maker at the age of 96. I have had two children and lost 3 babies in these 16 years. I don't expect sympathy from people who don't know me. There is more - but you get it, right? You didn't know this about me, right?

Get involved in your community!!! Georgia is a great place!! I have family and friends down there - one friend just moved to Athens to be closer to his daughter at UGA and LOVES it. His wife makes her own cakes and even though they just moved in March - her business is going well!!!

Now that I have digressed - no one will know your story unless you tell it to them. But you can't just walk up to someone and tell them your story. You need to get to know them as well. It's not something you just start a conversation with. Don't assume the worst in people. Give them a chance!!

You need to forgive yourself for feeling like you have let your family down.
You need to stop thinking people are judging you.
Remember you cannot control someone's actions - but you CAN control yours. Set your expectation levels right and all will be well!!

No one will understand what it's like to be in your shoes, just as much as you don't know what it's like to be in their shoes. What have you done to get to know them and make friends with the locals? I guess I don't see the connection between your family-life and your relationship with people in your town. I guarantee every person you walk by in that town has a story of their own. It's completely up to you how you choose to deal with a difficult situation. If you want everyone to pity you then you won't have many people around for long. If you make the best of a bad situation; make lemons out of lemonade, then you'll find yourself surrounded by people. Making new friends in a new community is hard, but YOU have to make the effort and having a sour look on your face isn't going to speed things along anytime soon. My advice is to put on your big girl panties, bake a couple plates of treats and deliver them to the neighbors. :)

No matter where you live or what you do there are going to be people like this. I wish it weren't so, but unfortunately it's the case. Some people will always walk around with an "I would never...!' attitude. Some people will always decide someone else's worth, even though they have no right to do so. Some people will decide they don't like you for no better reason than that they can. The world is full of some really great people, but the flipside of that is there are some who are not so great.

You can't control those people, V.. You can't change their minds, you can't reason them out of their unreasonable position. If people are determined to make an uninformed opinion, very little you do in the way of informing them will get them to change it. The did what they wanted to in the first place. Sometimes they will have a change of heart but it will be something that occurs within themselves and has little or nothing to do with you.

What you can do is be proud of who you are. You can look at what you have been through and what you've come out of and you can know that you can survive tough stuff. You can look at your family and those that hold worth to you and rest in the knowledge that they know you, value you, and love you. You can hold your head up because these people don't decide who you are. You can make a promise to yourself to never, ever again let another person who doesn't contribute to the quality of your life determine who you are or who you should be. Everyday you live your life without giving them a thought is a day you prove them wrong and you do it by nothing more than just being you.

V., I think what is really happening is that you need to forgive yourself for not being able to be closer to your folks. I'm sure it hurt very much not to be there before and when your grandma died, and not to be there to help your mom. The neighbors don't know what you go through because they are so busy living their lives. And you probably don't feel like being part of their lives either, because you you are in pain.

Don't take it out on them. And don't take it out on yourself, either. Just do the best you can with the house. Things will hopefully get better and you'll be able to sell the house. I hope your husband's job will accommodate a move back to where your folks live.

Good luck,
Dawn

You need to work at forming a support group for yourself. We have no family here, my father passed away, hubby traveled non stop for years, etc. etc. I had to do it... it's A LOT of work, but if you want a sane existance - it must be done.

I guess I'm wondering how you know that they judge you if you don't know these people? Are you the talk of the town, or something? Are you a celebrity? I'm not understanding where you have to the conclusion that the "ignorant locals" are judging you from afar...

It sounds like maybe you are dealing with your own harsh feelings and have decided that these people are judging you, when it's you, that's judging yourself. Guilt can be an ugly thing & make you feel some pretty negative feelings, and make you see things that may not be there.

Have you given these people a chance? Gotten to know them? Opened up to them? It sounds like you need a friend & you haven't even given friendship a chance. It sounds like you are counting people out before you even know them, based on your own judgment of them. I can't imagine living somewhere where I had no friends & didn't bother to try to make it home... That's a sad way to be. You are accusing others of being judgmental, yet you are doing the exact same thing.

Get out & try to be social. Try to be open. It will make life a lot better. Life is what you make it. This place is your home now & you might as well try to make it a positive experience. If you keep thinking negative, you will be miserable, end of story.

You haven't made any friends or acquaintances? Why are they judging you if they don't even know you or your situation? I'm kind of confused. My neighbors and such don't know anything about me or my life because I don't share it or live things out publicly for one thing. I would try and maybe make some friends, seek some positive hobbies or playgroups and ignore everyone else. Small towns can be... different.

I'm sorry...I'm trying to figure out how people that you have not met, that don't know you or your "back story" are supposed to be treating you...

Usually a good rule of thumb is to treat people the way you'd like to be treated.

So if you're looking to make friends, maybe ask them about THEIR situations and circumstances. Then maybe they'll ask you about yours.

p.s. I have a good friend that lived in Alpharetta for about 5 years....she had no complaints about the "locals" and she was single with NO O. she knew in that city!

If you haven't told them, how can you be upset with them?

You don't owe anyone an explaination, but if you are feeling judged, you have to ask yourself why?

My advice is to stop looking at it as they need your forgiveness, they don't. There is no sin in not knowing what someone has gone through, the sin is expecting them to know.I

Ignorance is when the information is available and the person does not know it. You are calling people ignorant that have no way to know what you have been through.

Let it go.

Buy a t-shirt that says on the back "Mind your own business"..lol (just kidding, but hope you smiled). You can't stop them from talking, it makes life more interesting for them, but you can try to ignore them and live your life.

Try to get into a gym membership with a babysitter there. A little stress reliever. I have a friend that has a hubby in the army and he travels a lot and has to do everything for her 4 year old son but her outlet now is church, there are activities and school she is a mother helper, also at the gym she goes to classes and babysitter at the gym watches her child so she has some her time. I know you are going thru a lot but, stay positive. i know it is so easy to say but, people have no filters. They just feel that they are above everyone and can say whatever is on there mind not realizing that they are hurting people. I would just ignore people and think positive try to get in to girls scouts be a mother helper try to have playdates and see what mothers u may get along with. Hang in there.
I am sure your hubby is working hard and is stressing also and trying to figure out what to do and i am sure it will work out. I am sure. .I have to deal with my hubby working on the time but, i see it as i am here to raise my kids and guide them in the right way. I know your parents miss you. Send them cards maybe open up a skype account and not sure if they are good with the technology they could get it hooked up on there end. You can have conversations and see your parents thru internet.
Look up skype.com.. it's free it goes thru your internet connection if you have cable etc...

I'm not sure what these people did or what you think they did. But people aren't going to know your story. You need a friend you can tell your story to. I have friends in Alpharetta area and I know how so many that live in that area can be snobs, is that what you're talking about? But not everyone is a snob. Or is it that you think southerns are ignorant? I'm not from the south but have lived here for 29 years and find them nice people. There are a lot of transies from the north that are not always so nice. I'm from the north. People are people and the way to forgive them and move forward is to decide to do such. Put them in God's Hands and let them go and work on yourself, do things you like doing and forget the others.
Sounds like you miss family and/or friends and need someone to confide in. maybe
Put your daughter first and her needs and enrich her life through your kindness to her. Work on your own self for betterment and growth and to be loving and kind.
Let everyone else go and enjoy your life, this is the only one you get.
The best to you