Tired of comments...but What to Say?

you already stated the perfect response: "I don't feel I need to go into my whole medical history to justify my choice."

I don't know that there is an answer for this. People who breastfeed seem so far out there to me it's like they join some sort of cult. They don't just do it and enjoy it for themselves. They have meetings and whole groups and they seem to lobby from mom to mom trying to make us all believe it's the best way. That's a load of crud. My one child I never breastfed had the healthiest baby and infanthood. She was a very normal child as well. I hated breastfeeding. I was and am a very affectionate mother and grandmother. I love giving and recieving hugs and kisses. But I HATED having anyone hanging off my boob.

I would say "medically I can't breastfeed so rather then starving my child to death I chose to formula feed"

I think this is a pretty common problem. Whether it is breastfeeding or something else, other mothers will always find a way to put down your choice/decision to do things differently than they did.

In your case, I would probably just say something like "My medical history doesn't allow me to breastfeed. Luckily, formula is so good these days that my son is a really healthy guy."

If you don't want to bring up the fact that it is medically related, you could just say something like "I know that my choice isn't right for everyone, but it worked well for my family and I don't feel I should have to justify the decision."

And I totally understand that some women truly can't. One mom I know had MS and was STRONGLY advised against breastfeeding. She chose to do so anyway and was left temporarily paralyzed! For the first year, she needed a full time nanny because she could not care for her new baby girl on her own. Not worth it, if you ask me! And that happened after only a few days of breastfeeding and then she was forced to stop anyway.

You sound like a great mom.
K.
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I CHOSE not to BF simply because I didn't want to. I had no calling or desire to do it. My daughter is extremely healthy, smart, well adjusted and totally normal. I have NO guilt about not breastfeeding and honestly don't know why in the world it's anyone's business how you feed your child. If someone judged me on that choice I would be very upset....I don't judge them for how they choose to feed their children. I would simply say that you don't talk about your boobs with anyone. That's what I told the waitress who asked me at a restaruant if I was BF! Just know that you are a good mama and don't stress about what other's say...they're covering up their own insecurities.

I had a breast reduction at 17, and could produce very limited milk for my daughters. I did so because I felt incredibly pressured. It drove me nuts being attached to a pump every other hour of every day. Neither daughter would latch because my nipples weren't ideal after being surgically reattached. So, I did what I could. Some women simply cannot breastfeed for many reasons. I just tell other women, if they they start a "holier than thou" roll about breastfeeding, I did what was best for my child and for myself. If they keep up with the BS I smile, say "have a nice day" and leave. Don't subject yourself to judgement and other women playing the "my dick is bigger than yours" game. They are just being callous and non-compassionate because they are too ignorant to know any better.

Wow, Michelle, you do sound like a conscientious mom.

My favorite response is to simply smile and say something like, "Thanks for your advice. I'm sure you mean well. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" Say this in a light, friendly, cheerful voice – no irony is usually required for even the densest inquirer. It's kinda fun to watch the blush that often starts at the collar and creeps up into the cheeks.

I would just say, "Well that's the choice I made, I am very content in my decision." and then I would change the subject. I also was a non-breastfeeder (I tried, but my son never latched on properly.) There are SO many women who tried to push it on me too, but I realized early on that my son is healthier than their children and seems to be more well-adjusted as well. Does this have to do with not breastfeeding him? Who knows, but I figure he hasn't suffered from being bottle fed. Congratulations on your choice to NOT breastfeed. Suzi's comment about it being more like a breastfeeding cult is SO true! :)

I couldn't agree with you more!!! Women have gone ballistic on me for not breastfeeding. I don't get it. When did this become such a huge issue? I have had a laundry list of comments made to me about it. Anything from "ohh its a type of bonding you just can't get with feeding them a bottle" to "You are feeding your baby toxins by giving them un-natural milk." WTH? I was told by my doctor to stop breastfeeding. I don't regret not being able to, my baby and I bonded just fine, she is smart, happy, and healthy. And when a woman makes a rude comment about me not breasfeeding, I simply respond with a smart a** comment. This to me is almost getting to be where you need to answer "I plead the 5th" or else you risk getting berated, and what a shame that is. I received a ton of advice from my mom friends who did breastfeed (while I was trying) however they never once made me feel like a bad parent like some other mothers have. Stay strong!

Some people have nothing better to do with their time than to try and put down other mothers for "not doing it right". By behaving like this, they feel better about themselves and their decisions and can pat themselves on the back pretty heartily! I feel sorry for women like this; they're unable to just be happy about what they can do and derive pleasure from putting down others because of their choices.

It's hard, but try to have a sense of humor and/or come up with the most wicked and outlandish thing you can think of! For example, with my child I say things like "Oh, well we're hoping the formula makes it so he grows a tail or a head so we can get a sweet reality gig!" or "Nope - the boobies are all mine and I don't want to end up looking like fried eggs nailed to the tree" or "We prefer to poison our child" and my favorite one "Well, I just don't love my child as much as other mothers do". These comebacks are usually so ridiculous that people have no idea how to react and they just drop it completely.

Your house, your life, your child - you'll do what is best for your family and at the end of the day that's all that matters :)

Practice, in the mirror, saying the following: "I'm finding what you're saying to be incredibly rude. Let's please change the subject. So...(insert new subject here)." I would say this as lightly and without malice as you can. After all, while the person is being rude, it's not their fault exactly that they're the 100th person being rude; they shouldn't bear the full brunt of your frustration.

If the insister persists on insisting, I would say something along the lines of "since you're clearly interested in talking about personal things about my body, surely you wouldn't mind sharing as well; do you find your sex life satisfying?"

Continue to disengage from the conversation. It's doesn't matter who's right, what matters is that the conversation ends.

The only other caveat I suggest is to be very careful not to find judgement and guilt tripping where there is none. I've found that people are just generally very casual discussing their bodies when it comes to childbirth/nursing, but it doesn't always mean that they're pushing their choice on you. Clearly this is a hot-button issue for you, so just be aware of that.

Good luck.

There are two ways to respond to clods like these woman who are holier than thou about their methods. The non-confrontational way to deal with them is to just lie. The boob Nazi's won't know the difference and it'll save you the grief. Just lie and say that you've just weaned or yes you are still breastfeeding.

I tend to go the other direction with sarcastically-confrontational after telling the truth and getting attacked because I was unable to breast feed. I'd reply, "It's wonderful that your life is so incredibly perfect that you want to spread your ways to the masses. What's the name of your organization? Do you have a newsletter I can subscribe to?" Then walk away and never talk to them again.

Sorry to hear you are given such a hard time. Be prepared, it will continue to other topics! :) We homeschool, so now that is the comments I get. Before that it was why didn't we have children, we had been married 7 years. I got tired of telling everyone we had lost a pregnancy and then been told we had fertility issues and had to do invitro. We didn't have $15,000 lying around. After getting our precious miracles, I could careless about what people said. I am so privileged to be a Mom I can raise tham as I see fit. Also debates on breast fed or bottle fed and then MDO or no MDO. The list will never end! Good luck and enjoy your bundle. You will get to these people twice as much if you don't care what they think! :) Trust me on that!

We've since had 3 children who are now 11, 8 and 8. We now do foster care and that gets its own looks, approval, thoughts, disgust, etc. Everyone has an opinion. We appreciate the kind ones and let the others go. Life is too short and we are too blessed!

Oh, wow!
I guess, I would just say, "I can't believe you just said that!" and walk away!

You should never have to justify yourself, or feel guilty for not being able to breast feed! I wanted to, but was unable to also. No one has ever put me down for it. If they did, I would have said just that! My children are all grown and healthy, and no one would ever know whether or not I breast fed them!

Sometimes people who want to appear knowledgeable, make themselves look so ignorant!

I would just look them right in the eye and say
" Thank you for your concern, but i was unable to
Breastfeed because of medical reasons. And my son is happy and healthy so there is nothing to worry about."

And then change the subject.

= )

That is wonderful you are able to breastfeed, I wish I could but my doctor said for me to stay healthy it was not an option. I have had problems in the past, I dont care to bring up right now, but with the doctors help and advice I am able to feed my child in the best way I can.

Hang strong! Formula fed babies are just as wonderful as breast fed babies!

I'm sorry you couldn't breastfeed. How awful for those women to try to make you feel bad. Even IF they were right to say those things (which they are not) it's not like you could do anything about it now; he's 14 months old (I breastfed and all the literature and doctors assert that there is no nutritional benefit to breastfeeding after 12 months).

In my experience with rude comments (my daughter is adopted and my husband is disabled) the best response to rudeness is a question. It always catches the rude person off guard and in thinking of their answer, they usually realize how intrusive and ignorant they have been. I would caution you to be the better person, though, and not be rude or hostile in return. That just makes you look bad and makes them feel superior. Besides, it's just not the way God wants us to be.

With that said, I can think of two good responses for you.

1. He's 14 months old. What are hoping to accomplish by saying these things to me?

2. Have you stopped to think about how hurtful you are being to me? You don't know my reasons for not breastfeeding, but if you did, you would know that what you are saying is cruel.

Try not to let it get you down too much. There are rude people everywhere, and if it weren't breastfeeding, they would find some other topic to lecture you on! I would avoid those people if I were you.

Be proud of yourself for trying to be the best mom you can be.

~A.

If they ask and you have answered and they still harp on you, just ask them, "Why does it matter to you? I do not care what you do with your child, so please stay out of my family choices."

I just think some women are so convinced their way is the only way, they forget there are many ways to raise children.

They need to learn to MTOB Mind their own business..

Stare at them blankly and say, in a very non-commital voice, "hmm...I've found a lot of people feel the same way you do..." then change the subject. If they press the issue, say "well, look at the time, lovely talking to you, I have to go now". My approach would be just don't get into it with them. Smile, nod, then walk away and keep doing what you're doing. Although you have the right to defend yourself, self-righteous people like the ones you're encountering, will take that as you feeling guilty and being defensive. NOTHING you say or do will change their minds or make them think you're doing the right thing. You're actually just giving them more opportunities to feel self-important and RIGHT. THEY'RE the ones who can't see other points of view and are stuck in their own little boxes. Take pity on them, won't you, and leave them to their own shortcomings. Then go home and keep doing what you're doing.

You are right, it is none of their business and it is rude for them to comment. However, like Peg, I wonder if you're upset by their comments because you do wish you could breast feed and their comments open the wound of not being able to breastfeed. Perhaps there is a way that you can deal with your own grief over not being able to breastfeed and then what other people say won't matter so much. One of the reasons I make this suggestion is your comment that you have the right to defend yourself.

Yes, you do have that right but why do you need to defend yourself. You know that you are doing the best that you can do. What does it matter what anyone else thinks? Perhaps you're still defending yourself to yourself on some level?

I suggest that wanting to bf and being unable to do so is a situation that needs to be grieved. Focus on your loss, cry about it, talk about it with someone who understands and cares about you. Unexpressed grief can cause anger. I suggest that once you've fully grieved, what others say won't be so upsetting to you.

I just saw your "so What Happend." Why are you accepting their guilt projected onto you? You have a choice on what you take on and what you don't take on. Why do you get angry? Anger always covers up some other emotion. I agree with you. I don't think it's guilt.

Back again. I don't understand why you have to explain that you don't feel guilty. Something is going on here that has nothing to do with others comments. I'm reminded of the saying, "me thinks he protests too much."

It sounds like you want to make a comment to put the other person in their place. Have you considered the possibility that the other person is thinking that since you are doing all the other "mother earth" sort of things that they are, without thinking, making a comment out of surprise. I've put my foot in my mouth more than once and have appreciated the other person's grace at either "not noticing" or saying something that puts me at ease. Communication is a 2 way street. If you respond in anger then you've perpetuated a negative comment. I would prefer peace for myself. Why stoop to their level?

You don't have to make a comment. In fact no comment at all is a way of letting the other person know that their comment was not appropriate. A put down comment makes them uncomfortable. What is the purpose of doing that? Does it make you feel better? Or you could say somthing like, I'm not able to bf which would elicit understanding from them.

There is too much anger in the world as it is. Deal with your own pain without causing other's their pain. Please do not assume that they are intentionally trying to hurt you. Yes, it's possible, but not likely. As other's said, some people are rude. That's their problem and shouldn't be yours. How does being rude back help? Two rude people does not a happy world make. I'm not saying that you're wanting to make a rude remark. This statement is in response to some of your answers.

You may not feel sad that you can't breastfeed but I feel empathy for you and your pain. My mother couldn't breastfeed and my daughter had difficulty when she tried. Both of them had inverted nipples. I could never get pregnant. Maybe I'm projecting my grief on you? I don't know. I do know that I don't understand your need to defend yourself or why others thoughtless and sometimes rude comments cause you anger.

Life is what it is. Each of us has the responsibility to choose how we react towards it. You do not have to take on their comments as judgmental ones towards you. You do have a choice. I was in my thirties before I realized that I do have a choice over how I react to other people and the way other people act towards me has more to do with who they are than who I am.

I might ask the question about breastfeeding, since it seems to "fit" with some of your natural philosophy. Just as a topic of conversation that we might have in common. But I would just move on to another topic if you said you didn't. It doesn't matter if you chose that or couldn't breastfeed. Both sides get judged at times (with my last I BF until he was almost 3 and got a lot of judgment based on that). Personally, I try not to judge other people. I have an opinion about various topics, but my opinion counts for me and my family only and it varies depending on the situation. Everyone is different and family dynamics are different. I think my SIL should have given up on BF much sooner than she did. Her two oldest lost so much weight until they were on formula. (I should clarify that I did not offer her any advice about this - she didn't ask me). When people are judging me, I don't try to justify anything; I just move on to another topic, or leave the conversation altogether. People who are so set in their own way will not listen and I don't need to waste my time. If someone is genuinely interested in my opinion, or my situation, I am glad to share.

I went through the same thing. I couldn't either. I have thyroid disease and there was a chance that the meds could get into the milk. I didn't want to take that chance. So I didn't. I would actually get into heated debates with ppl over this. Eventually if someone asked I told them my story and just walked away. Other times I would just say I don't want to talk about it. That is YOUR choice and no one should tell you what to do. Yes breast is best but you have to do what is right for you and your baby. We shouldn't have to explain to anyone what our choices are. And if they don't like it TOUGH!!!

Good for you for not feeling guilty and feeling good about your choice. This may be somewhat of a stereotype, but I think many women who lean towards that natural lifestyle do tend to be those who breasfeed and I've found that a lot of women who breastfeed don't know how hard (or impossible) the situation is for other mothers. That being said, they still have no right to make you feel bad, but sadly, I don't think anything you say is going to make it any clearer to them. I think that you just need to be as blunt as possible and say something to the point like I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the choice I've made...and move on. It would be really hard to continue to hear negative things and I feel for you, but you know what's right and you're doing it, so at least you have the moral high ground, right!? ;) I know, I know, easier said than done! :)

I don't know why other people think they know what's best for other peoples babies. I think every mom receives unwanted advise sometime or another. I never breastfed either, because I have had a history of an eating disorder and have problems digesting some nutrients and didnt know if it would effect my breast milk so I just figured why risk it. You are the only one who knows what is best for you and your baby.

You know, I get the same thing from men and women alike in my family. I put off taking my meds for 3 more months after she was born bc I really wanted to breastfeed her, bc its what I believed to be best for my baby at all costs. The time came when I realized that if I planned on getting on with my life, I needed to take my medication again, and THAT is whats best for my daughter. Of course once people started seeing the similac containers and gas drops, they questioned me and gave me the most disgusted looks they could scrunch their faces into. Then they would ask, "well what medications are you on that you can't breastfeed?". They were so intrusive and rude. To me, it's not really anyone's business what my medical issues are, or how I choose to feed my daughter. It is up to me to do what's best for her, and me being a healthy mother for her, is going have much more of an effect on her well being than missing out on a little bit of tittie juice. I used to get really intimidated by people questioning me, and anxious about getting the similac cans out, but now I do it with confidence, and I answer with confidence. If they pry, I just give them a look, and they know that the conversation is over.

Just tell them, "that's between my boobs and my baby, I don't talk about my boobs, it's too personal!". I've never understood, why people ask whether or not, you are breastfeeding. Such a personal and quite frankly, weird question to ask imo!

Also, I would politely tell someone that it's rude to tell me how I should feel, so you can feel your way & I will feel the way I do.

I see how many responses you have, but I have to respond b/c this hits home with me. I too did not breastfeed, and I too got the little comments. It is so freaking annoying. Thankfully I can speak from experience: All the hype you hear about breastfeeding is hype! I know kids who were breastfed who were constantly sick, whereas mine were not. My kids are smart, healthy (one of my daughters has never even missed a day of school, and she's going into 3rd grade), and they are happy. People read one little article from a "group" and tout it like they are an expert. They hear so many people saying something that they just adopt it as fact. I would get defensive because for someone to say something like that to a GOOD mother is insulting, plain and simple.

I couldn't breast feed long either cause I wasn't making enough milk. not to mention other issues. I never got the snide remarks but I would turn around and tell them well if it is so important to you why don't you breast feed them. :) don't feel bad cause you had physical reasons not to breast feed. it is natural but in the old bible days if one woman couldn't feed the others would do it for her.

I was literally breast feeding 24/7 so I started supplementing and my doc asked me how much I could pump and i told him and he told me to just go to formula only cause I wasn't making enough. you should have seen the look the wic people gave me like how dare you not breast feed your baby. you bad mother. They sent me to every breast feeding counselor they had I tried all of it and it never worked. It annoys me when the moms say well you should exclusively and only breast feed for the first year. tell my son who was starving cause I wasn't making enough milk that. just tell them if they are so worried about it they can knock themselves out and do it for you. :)

Just IGNORE them and their judgmental views. NO MOM IS PERFECT. Period.
We do what we can.

I breastfed both my kids until my kids self-weaned. But I have no problem with women who did not. The main point is that a child feeds... and grows healthily. Breastfeeding or not.
And it really irks me too, that other women are judgmental that way, towards Formula feeding Moms.

If you have the need to say anything to them, just say that you had medical problems and could not breastfeed, and that is PERSONAL. (it is really none of their business and you should not have to explain yourself nor your medical reasons why you couldn't breastfeed). NO ONE'S medical history, has to be 'advertised' to other women... for not nursing.

Hugs.... don't listen to them. Do not let them make you feel guilty.
They are NOT perfect either, certainly, with their myopic opinions.

all the best,
Susan

It sounds like it's an issue of how to change the subject when talking to this type of person. Maybe just say "No, I'm not breastfeeding, but you should talk to my friend ___, she told me all about her experience." Or find some other way to change the subject back to solid food or any other baby topic you'd rather be talking about. What's done is done, what do they want you to do about it now?! As your child gets older, the questions will stop.

Not everyone is a fanatic. I did breastfeed, but it wasn't easy and I was criticized for it. I had a pediatrician who asked me if my family was forcing me to do it and a nurse who was mad because my baby wouldn't take a bottle of pedialyte. I don't claim that it made my son healthy or helped with any of his medical problems.

How about, "No, I am not."? You are opening up the argument for yourself by making a point of saying that you never did. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that anyone should get rude about it, but you don't have to stoop to anyone's level and be rude yourself. I don't get why you feel the need to defend yourself. You made a decision based on all the factors that affect your life. If someone makes a statment, you ignore it.

It is funny that this question keeps on coming up again and again on this forum given the abysmally low rates of breastfeeding. Especially at 14 months, it has to be well below 20% at that point. I also love all the generalizations about breastfeeding moms being in a cult...that is as rude and judgmental as anything you are getting.

On the other side of the coin, I had plenty of people--parents and otherwise--say it was gross to breastfeed my baby, that I was creating a co-dependent child by bfing past a year, and it was selfish. Huh?!!?!?!

So, you can be tired of it, but it isn't going to be the last time you feel questioned or insulted by someone else's opinion. You have to accept it for what it is someone else's opinion based on their experiences and their level of knowledge.

The fact of the matter is that there is little in life with an absolute answer.

I would just tell them how incredibly rude they are and walk away. Formula fed babies are just as healthy, happy, and bonded as those who are breast fed.

Just look them up and down and say " Who died and put you in charge of me breasfeeding??"

I'm glad you've decided not to sink to the rude level (though it can be kind of fun sometimes when you're really provoked!). Some of us can't or won't breastfeed, and it's nobody else's business.

You don't owe anyone an explanation but should feel entitled to give a good "shut-up" answer to anyone who would be so rude to project their opinions to you.

Personally, I really don't let other's opinions get to me cause mother's are SO judgemental about EVERYTHING, not just breastfeeding.

But I would probably try to come up with a simple thing to say that shuts the other person up and leaves them thinking that they crossed a boundary they should not have. You don't have to be rude to do this. I would probably say something along the lines of every mother tried their hardest to do EVERYTHING perfect but sometimes choices are made to accomodate the needs of a family that are PERSONAL.

THANK YOU for posting this. I didn't not breastfeed any of my children, not always by my choice either but I'd have other issues going on that for pain relief I had to give something up and it was breastfeeding because the other issues had to clear up on their own. It angers me beyond belief the people who say you've done a "disservice" to your child(children) because you didn't breastfeed. It's every moms own personal choice to do it or not to do it and we are not BAD moms by any means because we either could do it or chose not to. I agree w/ you 100%. We as moms should support one another no matter what and we should have to lie or hide behind our choices. :)

My daughter also could not breastfeed for medical reasons. When a woman at the WIC office told her to ask her doctor for different medicines, because there "is always a choice". She looked at the lady and said "No matter what they put me on, it would make my baby immunosuppressed, since that is what I have to have to stay alive. Do you recommend that?" Which shut her right up. She cried many tears over "not doing what is best" for him, and the guilt trips that even a look can send her into. My constant answer to her was "you are doing what is BEST for your child, as any great and fabulous mom does!"

He's now 17 months old, very healthy, very happy, very well adjusted.

You just keep doing what is BEST for YOUR child.

I've found that you could always say what Miss Manners suggests. If they ask you why you're not breastfeeding you could look them straight in the eye and say "why do you need to know such a personal detail?"

It turns the question from their original question and puts them in the position of knowing they are being nosy. It's none of their business. No need to get defensive or spill out your life story. It also leaves them in mystery.

If they launch into a big explanation of why breastfeeding is good, you could listen politely and then when they are done speaking say "thank you for your opinion" and then change the subject. I would not add to the conversation any more than that. It's hard to have a discussion about breastfeeding with someone who doesn't respond.

Sorry people are being rude. I think we all do what works for us, there is no "wrong" way to do things.

you have to do what works for you. it doesnt matter what anyone else says or thinks. all that matters is what you think. if they ask - be up front and tell them you are not breastfeeding and leave it at that. if they ask why or tell you that you are not doing the right thing - then you tell them "i have to do what i have to do" and move on. its no ones business but your own. be firm, but not rude. if you seem passive on it, women who are the type to pick at anything will pick at you until they make you feel like you have done something wrong. unfortunately some people are just the type to make you feel bad no matter what you do.

I can feel your pain because I have been there. I breastfed but had to supplement (and when I say HAD, I mean I HAD to because my son was severely dehydrated from lack of breastmilk) and I used to hide to bottlefeed my son because of the backlash I received from people.....even strangers!

My friend attempted suicide because a La Leche League group told her she wasn't trying hard enough to relactate and that she didn't care enough about her child to try harder.

I applaud you for not wanting to be rude. However, you can be firm and say that you don't want to surround yourself with negativity and judgemental attitudes. Tell her that you hope she never has to know the pain of not being able to feed a child the way God intended and that you hope she can gain knowledge and compassion for situations that she cannot understand.

I am so, so sorry that you are in this position. I have spent too many tears on people who just assume that people who can't breastfeed are lazy, selfish, uneducated, undersupported, etc......
Do what you can to protect yourself, even if it means walking away while she is talking.
You are a GREAT mom!

I get the feeling you are feeling guilty and there is no reason to feel that. My mom was nursing one of the children and her milk just dried up. At that time they only had reg milk to sub and no formulas and he survied. You do what you can but at 14 mos he is beyond formulas and breast millk. By the time he is 12 mos he then should go to whole milk til he is 2 yrs old then to 2 %. So I would just tell them I was not able and let it at that. People can be crewl but hang in there and know you are doing the best you can. Regrets later had different things I did or not do then my friend told me at the time I did the best I knew to do and years later we gain experience and knowledge but we did not have all that at the time. We do what we know to do and learn our whole lives and no ones life is the same. We grow up with different parents and experiences as our children do. Love your little one and all else does not matter. God Bless G. W

The answer is you can't so you don't. Anybody that can't respect your decisions about your baby isn't worth your time and energy. You're not going to be able to reason with them, and they're too stupid to know to keep their mouth shut. Just drop it and move on. By the way, our baby was not a breast-feeder either.

I didn't breasfeed my daughter and I got alot of the same responses but I just had to understand that everyone feels strongly about something and that if I want ppl to respect my opinions I have to do the same so I just smile and tell them I can appreciate their position and I would love for them to do the same for me and that usually ends the discussion lol

I just ignore them. I wasnt able to, either, and it really sucks that they have to be so hurtful about something so personal. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with them, too.

since no one else is paying your bills, taking care of you, helping you raise your child or anything else, i wouldn't even worry about it. yeah ppl can be judgemental sometimes but alot of times these same ppl are doing something that someone else does not like. so next time someone starts talking about how wrong you are as soon as they get started say" Hold that thought" and walk off and don't come back. that will give them time to wonder where you went and realize you don't want to hear and that their opinion does not matter! good luck

When they ask, just say no I am not breastfeeding and then drop it. It is none of their business. I did not breastfeed and I received the same type of criticism that you describe. I don't feel that I owe them an explanation, it's personal, whether it is medical issue or by choice, it is up to the mother and does not make her any less of mother because she did not breastfeed. My kids are 8 and 12 and they have never been sickly, all the other breastfed kids always have colds and the flu, not my kids they have a great immune system. So don't worry your child will be fine.

PS: I am not saying breastfed kids get sick more, my point is they have the chance of getting sick just as much as kids that were not breastfed.

Politely but firmly tell them that you don't insult their parenting choices and you would appreciate the same courtesy. You shouldn't have to defend your choice. It is after all a choice.The same one they made.

This is kind of funny because I have to JUSTIFY breast feeding my kids to my extended family......... Other than my parents, nobody else supports it for my relatives....... I nursed our first for 6 months (milk dried up and had no choice) and our second for 18 months. I would get lots of rude comments about nursing our second SO LONG! LOL. They would constantly ask how long I was going to nurse. I just said I was pretty sure we'd stop by the time he went to college. So I guess we can't win either way...........

That is just people,everyone has an opinion about parenting. Breast feeding moms get the same treatment for their choice to breast feed. I am thrilled to see extended breast feeding more common. When I did, I only new one other mom that not only did extended, but breast fed at all. People truly thought I was a freak BFing. I was harrased for over a year for my choice. I used the same line over and over again. I appreciate your concern, and or advice, but I confident that I and my pediatrician has this handled and I would appreciate no further discussion as you are making me uncomfortable.

Next it will be what you do or don't feed, then it will be your childs behavior, grades, video game time, in sports, not in sports. It truly amazes me how judgemental people can be at times. At my sons age now, the big thing seems to whom their friends with.

I am so sorry you have had to deal with that. I, too, couldn't produce enough milk for my baby so chose to not make her suffer. With that said, I have had similar reactions from people. The best thing I have done is just let it go. I want so badly to jump down these women's throats. I like to think that they are miserable and just want to share that misery on others! Don't worry about what other people say, you do what is best for your child.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You've gotten some great advice though - good luck!

I know you have received many responses already, but I just want to reiterate that you do not owe anyone an explanation for your choices. It sounds like you are a wonderful, loving mother and that is what counts.

I completely understand your feelings on this as I have gotten My share of negative comments on this sight and it is why I do not post much.
I wish women understood that we are all in this motherhood thing together and there is simply no room for negativity. Positive thoughts people!
I have not read about your situation but I do wish you the best and encourage you that the very fact you are taking the time to log in here is evidence that you are a good mom!!

Maybe I'm wrong but you don't have to prove anything to them. You know what you have to do and it doesn't matter what other people thing,they have not walked in your shoes.I learned a long time a go it don't matter what other people think.Good for you for trying to do what is healthy for your child.
Good luck and be blessed.
J. G

My honest opinion is that it is nobody's business whether you breastfed or not and why you made your choice and you should not have to defend yourself. Believe it or not, non-breastfed children ARE loved by their mothers just as much as breastfed children and DO grow up to be happy, healthy, wonderful, intelligent adults!! :-)

I would take the high road, smile, and either change the subject nonchalently (maybe you look away suddenly, acting as if your son needs something...) so as not to get into the discussion any further. Maybe you just smile and say this is a very personal subject and you prefer not to discuss it - then move onto a different subject, not giving her time to respond and push further...

Either way, I think it's your business and you should not have to defend yourself and for others to try to make you feel as if you are less of a mother or that you're causing your child harm or that you don't love your son enough because you decided not to breastfeed.

You have made your decisions about what is best for you and your child and you do not owe anyone an explanation. I can't believe anyone would ask you about breastfeeding anyway, except for maybe close family and close friends. It's just not a proper topic to bring up at a restaurant or standing outside your child's school or wherever. I would simply say, "I am not breastfeeding," and leave it at that. If they ask any further questions, I would abruptly change the topic so they quickly get the hint that their questions are intrusive and simply none of their business. I really believe that if you feel at ease with your decision, you wouldn't be as offended by these rude people's questions. I didn't breastfeed my first because it was just too hard and I didn't want to try anymore. Plain and simple as that and I really don't care what anyone thinks. I'm fine with my decision and have no regrets. You owe no one an explanation or reasons for your choices.

Tell them to kiss your @#$#@#$ and walk away. If you didn't ask for their advice they shouldn't give it. You don't need to defend yourself. Just stay off of the subject. People should not be saying anything until they've walked a mile in your shoes. As long as the child is loved, healthy, and happy that's all that counts. Even if you chose not to breast feed because you didn't want to. There is nothing wrong with that either. It's funny, my mom had me late in life. She was 41. She is 92 now. When I told her I was going to breast feed she asked me, "why". I guess she couldn't see why you would do things the hard way. (In her opinion)

Just dont answer. I Bfeed both my kids. My sister is expeting her 2nd baby and she dont plan on Bfeed again, When they ask if she Bfeed she dont answer just say you dont feel comfotable to answer.. I dont think is anybodies bussiness. But if someone ask your opinion thats different.

GOOD LUCK.

I have not read all the responses but I'm sure I am not going to say anything that someone else has not already said, so forgive me if you've heard it all before. But I still wanted to share my personal story:

When my daughter was born, I started out breastfeeding her and it was going just fine for the first 2 weeks. Then I ended up hospitalized with blood clots that went from my legs to my lungs, plus MRSA. I almost died and had to go on blood thinners for several months. Once I got started on the blood thinners, the breastfeeding was no longer an option.

Of course I was disappointed, but I figured my daughter was better off being fed formula than growing up without a mommy. Eventually I realized that I was feeding her the best way I could, which in our case meant NOT breastfeeding. I've never had anyone question it, but all my friends and family know what happened and understand why - there really was no other choice.

My daughter is 3 years old now and is perfectly fine - she's never had any issues that formula-fed kids are supposed to be more at risk for. I think it's sad that we spend so much time and energy judging other people and their choices, when really these people that you are referring to need to mind their own business. I can understand not wanting to go into your personal medical history, but maybe that would be the perfect thing to shut them up - maybe they would realize that they don't know everything and shouldn't be passing judgement when they don't know the whole story. If someone started giving me a hard time about not breastfeeding, I would personally have no problem telling them about my blood clots, having to go on Coumadin, and being told by my doctor that breastfeeding was not possible. Because maybe then they would realize how stupid they were and be embarrassed enough to shut up.

People are going to question everything you do as a parent - if it's not breastfeeding, it will be something else. I agree, it's rude, it's ridiculous and you shouldn't have to defend yourself. But I would stop worrying about what all these people think, because if they were your friends, they would support you no matter what. And if they are not going to be supportive, you don't need them in your life. I personally don't really care what anyone thinks about me or the job I am doing raising my daughter. And not everything has to be up for discussion. I can promise you that when these kids all graduate from high school, you will not be able to tell who was breastfed and who was not.

Opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one. Hang in there... ;)

I had the same issue. I had a vertical c section and my incision opened. It was a horrible experience that required home health, 2 additional hospital stays etc...my body got to a point where it wouldn't produce milk because of all the stress and healing. I started showing the picture of my open incision. I did that because it hurt to be judged. I stopped it wasn't exactly mature. Anyway I just wanted to send a word of encouragement and read what other moms had to say. Good luck with everything!

Tell them it's for reasons they don't need to know why. Seriously. They shouldn't even be judging you anyway. You are doing an amazing thing for you baby by trying to stay "natural." And if they can't accept that sometime you just got to do what you got to do, then bugger off. I know how you feel. I too cloth diaper and try to keep away from chemicals, but I was given bad information when O was born which then he got used to the bottle and would never latch on to me after 2 weeks. I've had help from the Amazing Kate C to try and reestablish my supply, but to no avail it hasn't happened. Keep up your great mothering and ignore the hoity toity BFing mom's.

I, as well, cannot breastfeed due to cancer treatment when I was 9. It was miracle enough to have the child (My 6th child was the only one to survive). I would NEVER explain why I could not breastfeed unless I wanted to. I would simply smile and tilt my head when people thought it was their business to judge, question or remark. A silent smile does wonders for those who have let their tongues get away from them.

That said, please look into http://milkshare.birthingforlife.com/ if you would like to provide your child with human milk, which is the best regardless. We got doner milk for the first 2 years of our daughter's life and I know it made a huge difference for her. (She was 5 mos early and 1lb at birth).
Good Luck and Cheers!

A common flaw in people today is the need to be an authority on something!
I think when the question is asked, you should politely reply, "I don't care to discuss it." No apology. It will cut their water off, but so what?!

wow- a lot of answers! I just wanted to say kudos to you for doing what is best for you and your child! I was able to breast feed my kids, but my sister wasn't able to breast feed hers(medical reasons) but she is a wonderful mother and makes sure her kids are well fed and loved- I think that is the most important!
I am so sorry that so many others seem to feel the need to put you down. I say, just find better people to be around! They are not doing anything good for your self esteem. Only you and your spouse know what is best for your child. Stay away from the comparison moms- if it wasn't breastfeeding, they would find something else to criticize.
~C.

I find it interesting that many of these so-called "liberal" breastfeeding moms are remarkably closed-minded when it comes to another mama doing something different than they do. I breastfed my daughter for eight months and let me tell you, even within the lactating community there is a bogus hierarchy. "Oh, I could NEVER put my boobs into that DREADFUL contraption!" Well, guess what? My baby had to go straight into the NICU when she was born. Unless I was willing to have a nurse buzz me every two hours after my cesarian delivery (I was but DH and my mom pleaded me out of it) I had to pump to get things kick-started or it wasn't going to happen. I also had post-partum depression for which I refused to take meds because WITH G-D AS MY WITNESS THIS BABY WILL BE BREASTFED. Buck up, Mama! I'd hear. Just wait until those endorphins kick in! Sadly, the hormones didn't quite cover everything. I got my wish, but I also alienated everyone close to me and completely screwed up at my job.

To answer your question, tell these ladies that you'll screw your kid up your way and they can screw up theirs their way. The only two people who have the right to make the best decisions for my family are my husband and me. (Maybe at some point my five-year-old will be included in the process, but her idea of a "good decision" at this point is to walk around without any pants on, eating straight out of the icebox.)

I really hope someone that the right short, but to the point comment that is both gets the point across, but isn't rude back. Unfortunately, I don't have that response! Hang in there! I really don't know why people feel the need to tell you how to raise your children or what is best, especially if you didn't ask their advice. The only response I can think of would be to say "I can see you feel strongly about this, just as I do with my choices. We probably shouldn't discuss if further for fear it will become ugly".

I'd ask them, "Why do you care?" or "what difference does it make?". In my experience, women who ask this stupid, stupid question are either a)trying to make conversation or b)looking to talk about themselves. If the woman is (a), then you can make your own judgement as to whether or not you want to pursue a friendship with her. If it is (b), then I would just walk away and minimize my contact with her.
Don't feel like you have to justify anything that you do. It's really not anyone's business buy yours and your doctor's.

Updated

I'd ask them, "Why do you care?" or "what difference does it make?". In my experience, women who ask this stupid, stupid question are either a)trying to make conversation or b)looking to talk about themselves. If the woman is (a), then you can make your own judgement as to whether or not you want to pursue a friendship with her. If it is (b), then I would just walk away and minimize my contact with her.
Don't feel like you have to justify anything that you do. It's really not anyone's business but yours and your doctor's.

I'm just seeing your post now, but I wanted to respond anyway.

First of all, you don't owe anyone any kind of explanations as to why you did not breastfeed. I would say that when you're asked if you did or not, before answering, just ask them why they want to know something so personal.

I did not breastfeed my first child for reasons that I don't want to go into, suffice it to say I had very little choice. I breastfed my second child as long as he would let me, he pretty much weaned himself around 10 months. My 3rd child, I just did not produce enough milk to satisfy him. I nursed as long as I could, but even with pumping and trying to stimulate production through nutrition, it just wasn't enough. Within two months, he was completely on the bottle.

The fact of the matter is, the only person who needs to know whether or not you are breastfeeding your baby is the pediatrician. To everyone else, especially those women that give you that vibe that you're about to be raked over the coals because of your answer, tell them that this is a personal issue that you prefer not to discuss. If they push, thank them for their interest and walk away.

In short, save yourself the hassle!

I know exactly how you feel.
I found the best thing to say when they judge you is to tell them you would
appreciate if they did not show their disappointment and judgement against you because you love your child just as much as they do and your doing the best you can just as they are. End of Discussion!

Yes, the breastfeeding issue... I'm sad to say, but when people would ask me that, I would just flat out lie! I would say, "Oh yes, he's breast fed"..while in the back of my mind, I'm like: "yeah, right.." If I was at the store, I'd wait until the person walked away, or I'd just walk away like I'm going about my business and then circle back around and grab that container of Similac Sensitive! LOL The bottom line is you need to do what is best for you and your child. Breastfeeding is not easy and it does not just "come natural" to anyone. It takes time, energy and is even difficult under the best of circumstances (ie. optimal sleep, nutrition, help from spouses, etc) The next time someone says something to you about your child, tell them you're doing what is working out best for you and your family.

Personally, I wouldn't respond. You need not defend nor explain yourself to ANYONE unless you feel the need to. I would politely thank them for their opinion and move on.

Life is too short to allow others dictate your responses or emotions. You have a child and a life to tend to. If others want to tend to your business let them do so from a distance and try not to allow it to affect you.

Just say no I am not breast feeding and change the subject.