Tips for Building Confidence and Self Esteem for My 7 Year Old Boy

As I was reading this, the first thing to cross my mind was some type of martial arts. He is not too young to start.

Martial arts is WAY more than just physical activity.

My daughter started around 8 yrs old and achieved her black belt in Tang Soo Doo when she was about 14. It was worth every penny we spent toward tuition and class time.

Could you try him at swim, or martial arts, gymnastics, cycling, equestrian, chess club? These non team sports don't require muscling after a single ball.

Best,
F. B.

My first thought is tae kwon do or other martial arts classes. It's physical and mental exercise, it's not a team sport (and some quieter children think that's a good thing), and he can get a lot of encouragement to be more confident.

It sounds like he's a lot like my nephew who is very shy and not a big sports guy. Your child sounds like he might do well in some type of club like a chess club or some type of science activity (our school has something called "mad science"). The other thing to remember is that he is only 7. That's very young and sometimes boys are later bloomers socially.
That's not to say that he shouldn't play sports, but maybe not competitively. He may have more fun just going to the park to shoot hoops. I think people place way too much emphasis on team sports. Does he have friends he can invite over...maybe another boy who is on the shy side would be good for him.

This sounds like my daughter. Similar personality. We recently put her into Taekwondo and she is thriving. It's wonderful for confidence, self-esteem and pride in oneself. Our daughter tried team sports, but isn't competitive either. When we put her into TKD, I am noticing a difference. Wow, I just read everyone else's posts and see that they all said the same thing. Sorry for the repeat, but with our socially anxious child it does seem to be helping.

You will also need to be pushing him socially. Write down 10 things you think he needs to work on and then assign small steps to tackle those challenges. If he has trouble in large groups, start smaller, by inviting over a couple of kids to play and then work your way up to a group event at the trampoline place or something. If he is shy with adults, have him work his way up to buying something at a store, or asking the bakery for a free cookie sample. Find ways to challenge him around town. I have to do this for my daughter. I also have an appointment to have her get more help from a psychologist, since I want to make sure I'm doing all that I can for her.

I feel for your little boy. I know how that is to be socially overwhelmed. With his tics, does he get a medication or therapies or anything? I would look at the Out of Sync Child and see if any of that rings a bell. I am wondering if maybe he is so overwhelmed that he shuts down to protect himself. We all do this to some degree, but there are a lot of people who go too far and then don't do well in school.

If I were you, I would think about having him examined by an occupational therapist just to see if there is anything they can help him with. Sometimes this can really help their self esteem. Usually the first evaluation is not a problem for insurance companies, but you might have to have a referral from his primary doc.

I agree martial arts is amazing for what it can do to a kid's inner self worth. It also helps them learn to use their bodies in a smooth and functional way. And, it gives them a way to protect themselves, and a guiding lesson about how you never use it unless there is NO other option. I would give this a shot as well.

I strongly encourage you find some kid-oriented martial arts classes for him. My oldest has some...quirks and challenges too, and though he had ALWAYS been outgoing, elementary school knocked him down hard. It's still a struggle, but martial arts classes help.

My first is also a more reserved kid. He tried both soccer and basketball, but like your child, he's just not a kid who wants to jump into a scrum so he never got to the ball. But, he LOVES baseball. I think it's because it's more of a position sport, and there is no fighting for the ball. And it's more analytical - to be good, you need to think ahead: If I'm playing second base, what would I do if the ball is hit to the outfield? What do I do if it's hit to the short-stop? A good coach will encourage kids to use their thinking skills, and given your child's lego aptitude, he might like those kinds of 'think ahead' challenges.

Other good ones would be a swim team if he likes to swim, because that is all about beating your own time - but you also get the experience of making friends on a team.

Finally, summer is almost here. Do your best to encourage good friendships. Invite kids that he really likes to come and play a lot. Invite them to the zoo with you. Or the science center. He might always be a kid who has 1 or 2 really good friends, and not someone who has 10 casual friends - that is totally OK. So do what you can to enable the good friendships so that when he goes back to school in the fall, he has those to fall back on.

I understand, I have done the same with my daughter sometimes- answering for her and such. I haven't had to work on her esteem yet, but I would like to pass along some helpful information I just learned in a class. It involves self-efficacy, which is the belief of one's own capabilities. It's important in life to have successes and failures. But finding that middle ground is important too- give them tasks that they can do a bit, but that will also give them a challenge. Constant success AND constant failure are equally discouraging.
School is a tough place, but maybe find out what he feels his strengths are and involve him in that if possible. Sports are popular, but not everyone can be great at them! I know for me, people couldn't believe a tall, black girl didn't play basketball. I told them if they ever saw me play they would know why I didn't. But turned out (to my great surprise) I was pretty good at soccer. Point being, he may have a strength or natural ability in something that he didn't even think about. What does he like to do? Drawing? Reading? Interested in animals or planes or cooking? Remind him the world would be a boring place if everyone was good at the same things, and maybe point out some cool successful people who do unique things.

Find what he's good at and help him find his "sweet spot".

Team sports are not everyone's cup of tea.
I think a taekwondo class for your son would be a very good experience for him.
He sounds a lot like our son in a lot of ways.
He's always pretty quiet at first in any new situation - he has to see how it all works before he's willing to jump in - it's a learning style and it's common.
Every teacher conference through elementary school the teachers would comment how quiet he is and he needed to speak up in class - and then the REST of the year they had a hard time getting him to shut up!
He loves Legos too and loves any sort of building kit.
Lately he's into water bottle rockets - building and launching them in the back yard.
Our son plays clarinet in band and loves it and he's a 3rd Don Black belt.
He's in 9th grade now and is 6ft 1in tall.
He's popular and has lots of friends and he's kind of a gentle giant but he's not afraid to stand up for himself.

While martial arts can be terrific -- I've seen it build character and confidence in kids -- it may not be right for your son. Many posters are recommending it but from what you describe it might take him so long to warm up to it that he may end up feeling it's something he's being pushed to take.

Play to the strengths he already shows. You mention that he loves Legos and loves to build. I'd seek out a kids' Lego League in your area -- sometimes schools sponsor a Lego club; older elementary has something called First Lego League; or local libraries sometimes have building clubs or specific days when kids can come build; if there is a Lego store in your area (and I'm betting that in the Las Vegas area there is one!), call them and ask if they keep a list of local building activities, building "days" at the store and at malls and other places, etc. You might even find that you end up establishing your school's Lego club next school year....Let him do what he already likes and is good at so he builds up confidence in that, rather than putting him into another activity that's totally new to him.

Then, yes, introduce the idea of new activities later. I would look into whatever level of Boy Scouting is appropriate (or any other similar group). Seek out a small troop or group, and talk extensively to the leader about your son's tics and the importance of this troop or group being a place where he explains those things ONCE and it's done -- any good leader should be ready and able to handle the tics and shut down any teasing immediately. I recommend scouting or similar groups because they have varied activities that let your son try different things through the year -- but do check first; sometimes a troop will focus heavily on one area (for example, I know of Girl Scout troops that mostly camp and never do anything artistic, while other troops are all arts and crafts and never do anything outside--you want your son to get a balance). If a troop is very demanding, like a neighbor's son's Cub troop that camped every single month all year long, it might not be right for him. I might also seek out a small troop that already has a friend of his in it.

Be sure he has responsibilities. He sounds as if he might be the kind of kid who would do well being given tasks to do. If he already has regular chores, and does them OK, praise him and tell him you think he's a big kid and ready to do more; give him something responsible but also kind of fun and a one-time thing -- helping an adult clean out the garage; picking up every stick in the yard; going around the neighborhood or to a park with you, some gloves and a bag to pick up trash. Praise him. When school starts again: Ask the teacher at the very start to give him responsibilities in class and explain why he needs them.

What are your plans for him over the summer? Is he hanging out at home or doing camps--? I might ensure he gets enough down time and isn't overscheduled BUT I would be sure to schedule a lot of one on one play dates with other kids and have plenty of ideas in your mind to suggest to them -- at this age, play ideas can flag a bit and they might come to you saying "we're bored" but always have a suggestion. It's OK and it's not helicoptering to say, "Hey, there are about a million Legos in the living room -- why don't you see if you can build a bridge from the coffee table to the couch" or whatever! One on one playdates also will help him feel more confident around other kids.

I would be sure that he does get some kind of group activities over summer -- a one-week, half-day camp, for instance, or Vacation Bible School if that's your family's thing, or a weekly class (county and city recreation centers have lots of art classes, etc.). Be sure he does have some times with groups of kids so that he doesn't get so mellowed out by hanging at home he is in shock again when school starts.

Be sure to get on the radar of the school counselor! Do it now, even though school's nearly over. Meet with him or her yourself, with your husband or significant other present, but not your son; explain his tics, and how this year has gone, and get ideas from the counselor for summer too. Have your son see the counselor--many of them do a simple "lunch with the counselor" thing with small groups of kids each week, so kids are not intimidated by the counselor or think that seeing her always means something's wrong.

Then be sure to see the counselor again first thing in the fall and maybe set up a monthly (weekly, if things get tough) meeting for him alone with the counselor. An ongoing relationship with a good school counselor can mean a child knows someone at school always has his back (and that someone is not necessarily his teacher, who must discipline him at times or correct him.)

If you do look into martial arts the owner/instructor makes the BIGGEST difference. You really really have to find a studio that works for your child.

Our studio has an owner that really gets kids and teaching is a passion. He understands my son is there not because he wants too be but because he needs to be...he is sensitive/artistic not really athletically gifted or into sports and he will need to be able to hold his own and defend himself...he at 9 already identifies with the underdog in most fiction he reads and worries about bullies in middle school.

Anyways, our instructors push my son but don't put him in situations he can't handle they really get him.

He is not just another "number" and automatic withdrawal from your bank account for the cheaper five year contract. He is not just a warm body that if he were to stop coming to class he wouldn't be missed. Our studio is a family and that is the type of martial arts environment that will help my son be successful.

I toured and watched classes at about eight to ten studios before I found this one. Do your research if you decide to go the martial arts route. Ask about fees, monthly fees, testing fees, how much equipment they expect you to buy. etc etc..

Good luck!!

If he likes building, let him build. Not everyone is good at sports etc. Don't try to mold him into something he is not.

Martial arts are a great idea, as many have suggested, but your son would still have to be willing to compete with other kids using direct physical contact. Have you considered other sports where he would essentially be competing against himself? For example, swimming, fencing, archery, tennis, riding (equestrian), track and field, and gymnastics all require building skill as an individual, but can still be played as part of a team. These types of sports can provide him with a balance of personal and teamwork skills. What about other activities that require development of self discipline and specific skills, such as learning a musical instrument, dance, painting, sculpture, drawing, cooking, robotics, chess, and playing with experimental sciences?

The important thing is for him to understand that very few people are truly good at any of these things when they get started, and that it will take some time and effort on his part to develop a skill. Let him know that he can survey lots of options for a year or so, but that you expect him to figure out what he enjoys best and start to really focus in on that for the long-haul. He needs to understand that he will not always be able to achieve satisfaction immediately, and that there is great value in being able to delay immediate gratification in order to accomplish long-term success. In fact, the ability to delay gratification is actually a better indicator of future success and achievement than I.Q.

If he's not enjoying basketball, take him out. Put him in something he enjoys.

You may want to consider a smaller school for him, perhaps a charter school.

the best thing to build confidence is for him to work at something and accomplishe things. To help other people, to see a finished product that he made.

Explore his interests. My son had learning disabilities (he was great at math but couldnt read until he was nearly 9) but he was amazing with k'nex and legos. So when he built this giant k'nex ferris wheel, I mentioned it to his 2nd grade teacher and she suggested he bring it in. We had a tough time transporting it - but when he brought it in, placed it on the table and turned the switch and it began circling, all the kids in the room came over and were astonished, asked him questions, etc.

there are parent/child workshops every saturday morning at Home Depot where I see the kids and their dads / moms making tool boxes, and bird houses and garden stepping stones, etc. Find a food pantry or soup kitchen that encourages kids to come along. When he stacks cans of food, and helps elderly people carry bags of food he'll begin to feel a sense of doing good, helping the community. If he's good at art take him to an art workshop (a lot of community non-profit art organization have classes for kids) and he can create something that he can give to a grandmother, or display in your home. Maybe find a nursing home, or elderly neighbor her can help - clean up their yard, carry packages, take out garbage, etc.

Reading books and telling a child he's good only goes so far. Having them work at something and feel that sense of accomplishment, or seeing the effect he has when he helps others - that's what builds confidence.

I have the same child. I new she was a timid one because when I would nurse her if some one made noise or talked, she would stop nursing and her little eyes would be looking around.

I am big on encouraging them to order their own food and to go ask for a new drink if they want it bad enough. I hand them money and let them go. Of course you get the request to come with them, but I just say, "You want the drink not me".

She had no interest in sports and now that she is in them, she wants to join every one of them.

She is 8 and it does take them time to get a little more aggressive in sports. We tried to push her to be more aggressive, but really I think they learn it on their own. When you say he doesn't seem to enjoy it, is that what he says? Our daughter appeared to struggle while playing hockey, but she would not allow you to pull her out. It is important to her.

My final thought is to give him time at his self esteem, coming out of his shell, and improving his sport. He will figure it out.

Just had to add one more recommendation for martial arts. My first grader/Lego Maniac was feeling pretty bad about himself and his abilities, esp. after a child at school started targeting him physically. We enrolled Kiddo in Judo with a great Sensei and I have to say, my husband and I have been so impressed with Kiddo's personal development and we are only three months in. He also loves art and so we've been making sure to include art classes/experiences along with what is offered during the school day. :)

My child w/ some needs took martial arts !! The right teacher is key !!

It sounds like you are a wonderful mom, and you've gotten some great advice but i thought i would comment on the tic part of it, because i went through the same thing with my older son, and now my 4 yo has also developed tics and i found that by increasing certain vitamins they were drastically reduced, and went away pretty quickly. I started giving them fish oil, vitamin B, and most importantly MAGNESIUM. I order online something called Bluebonnet Liquid Calcium Magnesium. It comes in different flavors, and tastes almost like yogurt. my kids will eat it directly but you can add it to yogurt if its too sour for him. WIthin two weeks my younger sons has disappeared. Often they disappear on their own anyways, but you really might want to give it a try. Here is a link i found from another parent who gives more information about the link between magnesium deficiency and ticks.
http://www.ctds.info/tics.html